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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP’s baby and DN

155 replies

LyraBelacquaSilvertongue · 29/08/2020 10:23

Background: DP of 6 months has a 17 month old child who mostly lives with the mum. DP is a very involved dad and we have his son (‘DSS’) over 3-4x per week and one of those is an overnight (it’s my house for context).

I have a 9 year old nephew (DN) who has often stayed with me due to DSis’ physical health issues, we are extremely close and DN has always felt like mine is a second home.

Anyway due to COVID this weekend is the first that DN has come to stay since I have been with DP, so their first meeting. DSS’ mum has DSS this weekend, although when we originally talked about having DSS and DN together this weekend I said ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’.

Since partner moved we have called my spare room the ‘boys’ room’, with a plan to decorate it and use it for both boys. We have been using it to store DSS’ toys and nappies but DSS has been sleeping in a cot in our room. I’ve always previously called it ‘DN’s room’.

Before DN came to stay I tidied away all of DSS’ things in the room and put up some of DN’s things. I didn’t give it much thought but DP was really upset and said that I had excluded DSS and made it clear (from what I said previously and from tidying the things away) that DP and DSS do not have a home here. DP said any parent would feel the way he does.

I am not a parent but a very devoted aunt and I want to be a great step-mum to DSS as he grows up, so please can I have some guidance here as to whether I was being unreasonable? As above bedroom will be decorated for both boys and DSS’ things will come out of the wardrobe once DN has gone home.

YANBU - it was good to tidy away the baby things for DN

YABU - I excluded DSS by tidying away the baby things and saying ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’

OP posts:
EatDessertFirst · 29/08/2020 14:04

Another vote for 'he saw you coming'. Cheaper rent and bills, someone to watch his baby up to four times a week and telling you what you can use your rooms for. Well and truly got his feet under your table hasn't he? Does he do any housework?

I would tidy his and his babies things away in suitcases and tell him to leave. He can fend for himself. Make sure he has no claim on your home if he is effectively paying half the mortgage.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 29/08/2020 14:22

He has brainwashed you into believing you are somehow responsible for his dc... You aren't op .
It's up to him to house his own dc not you..
Get rid before he starts trying to claim ownership of your home as he has been paying you money. He has no rights to be there. At 6 months in you should be gf /bf not nanny /cocklodger..

AdaColeman · 29/08/2020 14:22

So he's lived with you for less than a month, and already he is telling you what you can and can't do in your own house.

How much are you involved in caring for his child? It sounds as though moving into your house all to his and his child's advantage, he's got a resident nanny on tap, and he's letting you know that he's in charge.

How do you feel about your life and your home being controlled by the needs of a man you hardly know and his child?

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 29/08/2020 14:25

Omg. This one is a massive cf!

SavoyCabbage · 29/08/2020 15:21

Did he have his baby 3-5 days a week before he moved in with you?

ILoveFood87 · 29/08/2020 15:25

YANBU your partner should buy his own house if he wants an opinion it's your nephews room (always has been) that you allowed him to store his sons stuff in. Then he moans at you. Ungreatful pig.

ILoveFood87 · 29/08/2020 15:29

Agree he saw you coming. Doormat. Don't stand it for OP.

MsEllany · 29/08/2020 16:08

Oh wow. I missed that you’d only been together for six months. That does change the dynamic somewhat.

FelicityPike · 29/08/2020 16:19

Blimey OP!!

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2020 16:20

New digs and a surrogate mum for his child, he hit the lottery with you.

netflixismysidehustle · 29/08/2020 16:33

Fucking hell.

You sound like a lovely kind person who has taken to your partner's child but he's treating your 'child' (nephew) as less than his and not worthy of your spare room. So many red flags you could make bunting here

Your relationship is moving super fast and I think your partner is very cheeky treating your house like his. He sees your nephew as some sort of threat to his son which is unfair.

TeaAndHobnob · 29/08/2020 16:37

@Backtoschoolnotsoonenough

Do is more than welcome to have a full time room for His dc in His own house.. He can't dictate about Your home... Be wary op. He is treading on cf territory imo..
Yup yup yup
Isthisit22 · 29/08/2020 16:40

@MyName007

Your DP is using you and your home as his base and after just 6 months you shouldn't be involved so heavily in raising his child. Go find yourself a new, single man, who will put you first. Don't be with someone who comes with tones of baggage and still wants to control your relationship with your DN.
This

So many red flags here.

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2020 16:44

He moved in three weeks ago, was paying huge rent for a tiny 1 bed and when that tenancy came to an end it made sense for him to move in to my 2 bed

Of course it made sense. For him! How do you know for sure that his tenancy ended? Did he tell you?

Grapewrath · 29/08/2020 16:47

It’s your house. Your boyfriend doesn’t get to dictate how you use your bedrooms.. of this is an issue I’d suggest he finds a home to do what he wants in.
You shouldn’t be arguing over who’s family member gets the second bedroom 6 months in.

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2020 16:49

Oh gosh just saw on another thread that your wife left you a year ago. Are you desperate for affection? Because that's the only reason i can see for you accepting the short straw.

MitziK · 29/08/2020 16:49

@LyraBelacquaSilvertongue

Thank you everyone for your replies - lots of food for thought. I feel quite unsettled after reading and taking on board people’s comments.

To answer some questions -

  • DP and ex were together 6 years and separated before finding out she was pregnant (she left for someone else of the same sex).
  • We dated for 2.5 months before becoming official six months ago. Still not a long time I agree but it didn’t strike me as odd that he moved in after this timeframe.
  • He moved in three weeks ago, was paying huge rent for a tiny 1 bed and when that tenancy came to an end it made sense for him to move in to my 2 bed with a garden with a small mortgage. He pays me rent and 50/50 on bills.
  • I put ‘DSS’ in inverted commas in my OP to show I don’t call him that, but I wanted shorthand for the post. In RL I call him my partner’s baby, or by his name. I wouldn’t call him my step-son unless we were married.
  • My nephew is and always will be my priority, which is why I now feel quite unsettled after reading the post.
Paying rent and a share of the bills doesn't give him owner's rights over 1.5 of the bedrooms, though, doesn't it? Especially as he's barely unpacked his bags before sticking a huge THIS IS MY PROPERTY flag over the spare room.

Next it will be 'does the kid have to be here so often? Why can't his parents look after him for a change?'.

He's trying to push your DN out so he can take over.

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2020 16:50

Get rid before he starts trying to claim ownership of your home as he has been paying you money

This with bells on.

blackhorses · 29/08/2020 16:52

The difference between your boyfriends behaviour towards the child in your life and your behaviour towards the child in his life is huge.

You have welcomed his son, made room for him, included him in your plans, had him sleeping in your room etc etc

He is trying to completely ignore your nephews needs.

Let the argument be for now and have a look at how he behaves towards your nephew whilst he is staying with you. What you're looking for is whether he treats him/looks after him/cares for him/does the same amount of work for him as you do for his son.

I think that will tell you what you need to know. . .

PatriciaPerch · 29/08/2020 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crankley · 29/08/2020 17:06

What on earth possessed you to let your boyfriend move in after six months and his baby half or more of the week? Of course it made sense, to him.

He is in no position to demand or even ask for anything and I would be giving him notice to move out.

JulesCobb · 29/08/2020 17:10

Get rid of him. His attitude is appalling.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/08/2020 17:18

So he's lived with you for less than a month, and already he is telling you what you can and can't do in your own house
To be fair, we don't know how it came about. Maybe OP is the one who brought him moving in. Maybe he wasn't sure, was concerned about moving in her house and it not feeling like home and OP insisted it would be as much his home. Maybe OP is the one who very much wanted him to move in because she didn't like living on her own.

fuandylp · 29/08/2020 17:19

@pinkyredrose

Oh gosh just saw on another thread that your wife left you a year ago. Are you desperate for affection? Because that's the only reason i can see for you accepting the short straw.
I've just had a look at that post too. I am sorry about your wife leaving. That must have been awful for you. In one of your posts you say that you were planning to have children with her and were ready to start a family. You've now rushed into this relationship with DP which has been official for 6 months - so 6 months after splitting from your wife. He's now moved in and he comes with a toddler in tow. Please please think very carefully about whether your views on all of this are being coloured by the split with your wife and whether your desire to have children might be clouding your judgement. In other words, you've kind of almost got a ready-made family here a matter of months after the future you were planning was taken away from you when your wife left.

I said upthread, but I'll say it again, he should move back out. This is all too much too soon. You are not thinking clearly and he can take advantage of this by manipulating you into you giving him what he wants - ie. a home for him and his child when he has custody - and tough shit if you want to keep the spare room for your DN.

Please give yourself some space. You've had a lot going on.

PatriciaPerch · 29/08/2020 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.