AIBU - DP’s baby and DN

[LyraBelacquaSilvertongue]

Background: DP of 6 months has a 17 month old child who mostly lives with the mum. DP is a very involved dad and we have his son (‘DSS’) over 3-4x per week and one of those is an overnight (it’s my house for context).

I have a 9 year old nephew (DN) who has often stayed with me due to DSis’ physical health issues, we are extremely close and DN has always felt like mine is a second home.

Anyway due to COVID this weekend is the first that DN has come to stay since I have been with DP, so their first meeting. DSS’ mum has DSS this weekend, although when we originally talked about having DSS and DN together this weekend I said ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’.

Since partner moved we have called my spare room the ‘boys’ room’, with a plan to decorate it and use it for both boys. We have been using it to store DSS’ toys and nappies but DSS has been sleeping in a cot in our room. I’ve always previously called it ‘DN’s room’.

Before DN came to stay I tidied away all of DSS’ things in the room and put up some of DN’s things. I didn’t give it much thought but DP was really upset and said that I had excluded DSS and made it clear (from what I said previously and from tidying the things away) that DP and DSS do not have a home here. DP said any parent would feel the way he does.

I am not a parent but a very devoted aunt and I want to be a great step-mum to DSS as he grows up, so please can I have some guidance here as to whether I was being unreasonable? As above bedroom will be decorated for both boys and DSS’ things will come out of the wardrobe once DN has gone home.

YANBU - it was good to tidy away the baby things for DN

YABU - I excluded DSS by tidying away the baby things and saying ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’

Red flags all over this!

Too fast, and he’s a manipulative bastard as well.

Move him out, OP. If you want to keep on seeing him, do so, but while living separately and without involving the children.

The only thing that matters is that it's YOUR HOUSE. you've known him 6 months, how quickly did he move in? You do whatever you want in your house. He can have his baby at his house.

If DSS isn't there why not tidy stuff away? Your DP is trying to ensure you prioritise him and his child and you've only been with him 6 months.

It's too early to be step mum to a 17 month old.

Out of interest, does he do all the care of his child when at your house?

Why does this have to move so fast? 6 months and you’re living together? This has ‘disaster’ written all over it.

totally agree. very controlling to say you have to do what he says in your home, and the second home of the DN your have nurtured for 9 years. you need to rethink boundaries in this relationship

@DoesThisMakeSence

I dont mean to sound horrible but it all seems to be very fast. You sound like a very caring person who would make a great stepmum. But realistically you have known you dp for 6 months. And you see his baby child 3/4 days. Are you sure he doesnt just see you as a house and babysitter for his child.

Absolutely agree with all of the above.

I'd be wondering why a man with a year old baby wasn't with the mother of that baby. If she chucked him out, she would have had very pressing reasons for doing so.
And I'm wondering why he's moved in with you so quickly.

I couldn't answer the YABU etc because its just not that clear cut.

1. this is your house and you've been together 6 months. He is already parent of a baby under 18 months.
2. why has all the fuss been made about declaring what the room is for, who it belongs to etc, the kids wont care... Its making declarations about how things will work before you've actually tried it. Its YOUR spare room, is he contributing towards your living costs?

Keep whatever is suitable for the use its being put to for both of them. If they are not both using it at the same time, Tidy away what is not used for both of them. They are such a wide age gap. Have a quilt cover just for DN. and some storage where both their things are being kept. It will be hard given the huge age gap to make it suitable for both of them, so I suggest that you have some posters for DS and some for DN which you swap around at need. if you even have to go that far at this stage, since you may want to move in a few years time to a bigger place?
I find your DP talk of exclusion etc ridiculous and a bit petulant since you have presumably already welcomed his DS into the house as you already have nappies etc there. If it really is just a case of reorganising various belongings to make more space and make the room more comfortable, then what is wrong with that.
My other thought is why was all the work of sorting out rooms for his son left up to you to do on your own so that he could come along and complain about it later.
This is a symptom of a much bigger issue between you both than just the spare room and its better to get to grips with it now rather than later

You've only been together six months. It's all too soon. As for calling him your Step son unbelievable.

I agree that it’s all too soon, but the OP put (‘DSS’) the first time she mentioned him. I think DSS is just for ease, I can’t imagine she refers to him as her step son in real life. I don’t use any of the Dear/Darling abbreviations but if I did I would refer to my partner’s daughters as DSD on here just because it’s so much quicker to type.

Does your partner have a property that he could move back in to? If he does then I think it would be sensible if he went back there for a while. I’m not saying you should break up, but 6 months is very early to be living together when there is a child involved.
And no, I don’t think you were being unreasonable by putting the baby’s things away. He’s not even old enough to understand that they’ve been tidied away!

Complete consensus here - doubt very much the OP will be back.....

Just get rid of the DP! Find someone without all this baggage. He is just using you as an unpaid childminder. Don't be such a mug set your sights higher, you are worth more than this.

I agree with all of the previous posters.

This has so many red flags!

Also, why is your sister happy for her son to sleep in a house with a man you’ve only known 6 months?

Thank you everyone for your replies - lots of food for thought. I feel quite unsettled after reading and taking on board people’s comments.

To answer some questions -

• DP and ex were together 6 years and separated before finding out she was pregnant (she left for someone else of the same sex).
• We dated for 2.5 months before becoming official six months ago. Still not a long time I agree but it didn’t strike me as odd that he moved in after this timeframe.
• He moved in three weeks ago, was paying huge rent for a tiny 1 bed and when that tenancy came to an end it made sense for him to move in to my 2 bed with a garden with a small mortgage. He pays me rent and 50/50 on bills.
• I put ‘DSS’ in inverted commas in my OP to show I don’t call him that, but I wanted shorthand for the post. In RL I call him my partner’s baby, or by his name. I wouldn’t call him my step-son unless we were married.
• My nephew is and always will be my priority, which is why I now feel quite unsettled after reading the post.

Really? As a SW @LyraBelacquaSilvertongue what would you advise someone who had started a relationship and moved the man in to her own home within 6 months, during lockdown. Helped look after his 17month old child and had a question over whether his objections were unreasonable?

How long has he actually lived with you and where was 'DP' & 'DSS' home before this?

DP needs to be reminded it's not his house. He's a guest in your home just like his son and DN.

Your house, your choice, your rules, you are not his live-in nanny.

I wouldn't count on this being a longterm relationship.

No, it didn't make sense for him to move in so soon. I'm sure there were other options for him somewhere.

He doesn't get to dictate what happens in your house. He's effectively a lodger.

Cross post @LyraBelacquaSilvertongue so he's been there 3 weeks and he feels excluded already and yet he had 8 and a half months to get to know your set up with DN? Not a team player then?

He must have been clapping his hands with glee when his tenancy in his tiny 1 bed flat ended. Why did it make sense that he moves in to your 2 bed garden flat? Hmm so he can have a nice set up for his baby. Bet he suddenly increased contact with the baby and reduced his maintenance to his ex..... far too soon I am afraid. You hear it all the time on MN, men with young DC moving in with the now partner very quickly who happens to have a bigger house and surprise they expect the new partner to parent there DC too. Watch out for more red flags

I must say I agree with people saying your partner is massively jumping the gun expecting your house to be his son's permanent home when you've only been together 6 months and his son with another woman is still virtually a baby!

Trying to push your nephew out is very unpleasant given the context of your unusually strong role in your nephew's life because of your sister's health. It most most certainly sounds like emotional blackmail on his part and doesn't make him look like a great choice for of serious partner. As soon as children are involved moving in together quickly is really dodgy ground. Be careful.

Read the update and agree that the thing that jumped off the page to me was 6 months.
You’ve played an important and significant role in your nephews life for 9 years and after 3 weeks of moving in your DP is dictating whether you can tidy away a few toys in the spare room.
No, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

Also agree with pp saying you sound lovely and considerate. Put your nephew (who needs you) first. Tidy the room up if you want. You are being more then accommodating of your partner’s child especially given the length of your relationship with him.

My partner has a little boy from a previous relationship. At 6 months in we were very into each other and felt we loved eachother.

Still had no intention of meeting his child at that point though, way to soon I'd say. Especially for doing actual blended family stuff/step parenting and not just going for days out together etc

Honestly, the only person’s feelings I’d be concerned about, if I were you in this scenario, are your nephew’s. He’s used to having a close, second home, type relationship with you, where he effectively has his own bedroom. He’s old enough to appreciate that things have changed and may be worried about being pushed out or replaced by the baby. I 100% would have taken out the baby stuff and let your DN settle into the idea and get to know your new partner before introducing the idea of room sharing. Your partner is suggesting that his son should now have equal or greater importance to you and I just don’t agree with that. Your partner has shown no thought about your nephew and your relationship with him. I suspect your partner would prefer you not to have your nephew over regularly and devote your energies to step-mothering.

And yes to everyone who says it’s too soon. It’s a quick timeframe if you were two singletons with no responsibilities beyond each other. It’s crazy to settle into family life as soon as this. I’ve also been dating someone for around six month - my son doesn’t even know about it, I mean why would he need to, what’s the hurry?

If your partner has an issue with this then maybe you need to talk about how appropriate the whole situation is and whether, as a couple with two children who regularly stay over, you need to consider a bigger property (or he needs to get his own). I’d be very clear that your nephew is just as important as his son and needs to feel that he has a place in your home.

So

Your partner could only provide HIS SON
shared space in a ' tiny one bedroom flat' but is angry with you (!!)

Words fail.

So, he's angry that his childs stuff gets moved to accommodate your nephew- when his son ISN'T. EVEN.THERE... ?

Surely any decent man would be grateful that you are going to any trouble to dedicate space for his child-shared or not.

It is disturbing that he has the audacity to be angry with you for ' failing' to provide for his son, even though you are providing more for his child than he did.

Disturbing indeed.

You sound absolutely lovely, OP.

But what is ringing alarm bells is that your boyfriend of six months is telling you how to have your home? Yes, he now lives there but it's still your home.

His son has no need for the room when he isn't there - DN does, so why would you leave baby things out when you don't need to.

Your nephew obviously is in need of a safe space at times, don't let your partner bully you out of that.

Too many red flags. He surely knew the set-up with your DS and DN. Did he really expect to take over just because he has a baby?!
It was totally reasonable of you to tidy away the baby things and get your DN's stuff out. Do you wonder if your DN wont be so keen to stay with you when he finds out he has to share a room with a baby/toddler. I don't think a lot of thought has gone into the logistics of all this. You sound like a lovely, warm and caring person - be careful he isn't taking advantage of that.