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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP’s baby and DN

155 replies

LyraBelacquaSilvertongue · 29/08/2020 10:23

Background: DP of 6 months has a 17 month old child who mostly lives with the mum. DP is a very involved dad and we have his son (‘DSS’) over 3-4x per week and one of those is an overnight (it’s my house for context).

I have a 9 year old nephew (DN) who has often stayed with me due to DSis’ physical health issues, we are extremely close and DN has always felt like mine is a second home.

Anyway due to COVID this weekend is the first that DN has come to stay since I have been with DP, so their first meeting. DSS’ mum has DSS this weekend, although when we originally talked about having DSS and DN together this weekend I said ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’.

Since partner moved we have called my spare room the ‘boys’ room’, with a plan to decorate it and use it for both boys. We have been using it to store DSS’ toys and nappies but DSS has been sleeping in a cot in our room. I’ve always previously called it ‘DN’s room’.

Before DN came to stay I tidied away all of DSS’ things in the room and put up some of DN’s things. I didn’t give it much thought but DP was really upset and said that I had excluded DSS and made it clear (from what I said previously and from tidying the things away) that DP and DSS do not have a home here. DP said any parent would feel the way he does.

I am not a parent but a very devoted aunt and I want to be a great step-mum to DSS as he grows up, so please can I have some guidance here as to whether I was being unreasonable? As above bedroom will be decorated for both boys and DSS’ things will come out of the wardrobe once DN has gone home.

YANBU - it was good to tidy away the baby things for DN

YABU - I excluded DSS by tidying away the baby things and saying ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/08/2020 12:48

He saw you coming OP.

Your poor nephew who has had your support for 9 years is thrown under a bus by a CF who you moved in and now mind his baby 4 nights a week.

What struck him first as most attractive about the single women with her own home and a garden I wonder?🤔🙄

OP, you sound unbelievably naive and desperate for a man, that you would move him and his baby in like this.

He sounds like a manipulative user, who saw a woman to take advantage of, and now is having a tantrum about your house and how you use it.

His baby is more important in YOUR home than your nephew...
Soon he won't even want your nephew visiting...

You are being used by a nasty little user.

His tantrum tells you just how dim he thinks you are.🙄

Your poor nephew should be your priority, NOT this user and his baby🙄.

Your relationship bar is truly on the floor.
You deserve betterFlowers

dontdisturbmenow · 29/08/2020 12:50

It's definitely much took soon when there are children involved.

It's because you don't know eachother well enough that you are where you are now. he probably didn't really understand the re of you in in your life and that you therefore want him to feel at home there. He thought which is fair enough that one benefit of moving in with you and paying half towards your mortgage was that his son would have a room of his own.

You need to talk a lot more than you are to get to the point of k owing each other as you would if you'd been together for a year or more.

You've already at the stage of needing validation from others that you are right and the wrong rather than communicating and getting to know each other. It's quite doomed really.

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2020 12:51

And you said he is paying rent and half bills so not like he is taking advantage

There's more than one way to take advantage.

He's been in the OP's home five minutes, having his baby round 3-4 times per week and overnight too.

Then throws his own toys out of the pram because she's using her spare room as she sees fit.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 29/08/2020 12:52

Have just seen your update and sorry but I am glad responses have made you feel unsettled. You really need to think this through very carefully. He needs someone, anyone he remotely likes, to help with childcare.

There was no need to move in with you when his tenancy ended. He could have renewed or rented elsewhere. You may have dated for 2.5 months before becoming official 6 months ago but virtually the whole of that 6 months has been during the unusual times of a pandemic lockdown.

Why don't you ask him to move out and get his own place and date properly and give it a proper amount of time before deciding whether you want to live together? Let him look after his child and only see him when he doesn't have him (so you can be sure he isn't just seeing you to help care for his son).

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 29/08/2020 12:58

Why don't you ask him to move out and get his own place and date properly and give it a proper amount of time before deciding whether you want to live together? Let him look after his child and only see him when he doesn't have him (so you can be sure he isn't just seeing you to help care for his son).

I think this is an excellent idea. Your DP's reaction to this suggestion would be very telling.

ProperVexed · 29/08/2020 12:59

No one falls in love as quickly as a man with nowhere to live.

billy1966 · 29/08/2020 12:59

Oh and if you continue with this prize, expect a proposal...he'll want to nail the house down as quickly as possible.

If he was really keen on you he would have wanted to see you when he didn't have his child, but hey ho the opportunity to have a nice home and a skivvy to keep it clean and help with childcare was just irresistible.

He saw you coming OP.

You deserve more than this opportunist....pity you don't realise it.Flowers

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 29/08/2020 13:01

Lots of reasons for giving it a go under one roof, not least that you’ll know pretty quickly if the relationship will work or not!
Well, after only 3 weeks of living together, I would say i'ts not working already.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 29/08/2020 13:02

@WorraLiberty presumably Op agreed to him having baby around 3/4 times a week and if he did this before when he had his own place then would of been aware of the situation , if he never had him much before and suddenly is now someone is there to help him then would be more concerning
I meant financially he isn't taking advantage but he def shouldn't be dictating how the room is used , sounds like more conversations need to happen and OP to be clear dn does come first for her like his ds does for him

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2020 13:02

Gosh, I can’t believe you want to be step mum to a bloke you’ve been seeing a few months kid or he wants your home to be his child’s permanent one, that’s just insane.

Didkdt · 29/08/2020 13:02

Look i suspect you've been exposed to a completely different perspective by the replies on here, and it may be pennies are dropping or it may be that people are a bit off the mark but really you're partner should have been a bit more sure for his son's sake before moving in with you.
That is his responsibility as a parent not yours.
Both boys need stability and calm because it's difficult for both of them. I think a toddler will notice his stuff has gone and a 9 year old will notice it's there.
But where is your nephew's dad in this? What about other family members. You can't put your life on hold to help raise your nephew as much as you love him, you can be there to support him but is this arrangement going to inhibit you living a fulfilled life. Is this your first long term/serious relationship?
Going forward whether it's with this DP or another you will want a family of your own one day how will balancing that fit in with your responsibilities to your nephew. What if you or your partner want or need to move? I think this is an opportunity for you to explore your options in life because life seldom just slots perfectly into place.

@billy1966 that really isn't a very nice post andthe partner's son isn't spending 4 nights there it is 1.

liveitwell · 29/08/2020 13:04

Totally agree. The relationship is probably moving too quickly. In no way are you, or should you, be step mum yet.

Of course DN takes priority, you barely know the baby compared to your DN.

Why don't you ask DP to contribute so you can afford a larger home with a room for each.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 29/08/2020 13:05

Also OP doesn't say that he leaves childcare to her or she cleans up after him like people are implying we know none of this from what the OP has written just that he is being unreasonable about the room and not understanding of her relationship with DN

DuncinToffee · 29/08/2020 13:08

Oh dear, so on this thread he is trying to dictate how you use your spare room, on your other thread he is trying to dictate when you shave your legs and you are only 6 months in.

Viviennemary · 29/08/2020 13:11

I don't think it's an important issue at the moment to be stressing over. You'll have to wait and see how things work out.

WitchenKitch · 29/08/2020 13:12

@DuncinToffee

Oh dear, so on this thread he is trying to dictate how you use your spare room, on your other thread he is trying to dictate when you shave your legs and you are only 6 months in.
Err, that thread was from 2018. Enthusiasm for sleuthing clouding your maths skills there.
aSofaNearYou · 29/08/2020 13:13

He is incredibly presumptuous to be angry at you for this. He's managed to find a girlfriend willing to put up with the fact he has an infant child and even let him move in to her home, he doesn't get to make further demands. He should be incredibly grateful for how welcoming you have already been.

No all parents would not feel the same as him 🙄

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 29/08/2020 13:15

I've voted YABU because the whole situation is ridiculous.

You are being manipulated and gaslit.

Get fucking rid.

kierenthecommunity · 29/08/2020 13:15

I’m also pretty surprised that the ‘ex who left him for another woman‘ is happy with the set up too. Like hell would I be allowing my kid to be looked after by someone I didn’t know and sleeping at their house so soon into the new relationship. I’m assuming they were all bunking at yours before he moved in too? Have you met her? Does she even know about this new permanent arrangement?

But where is your nephew's dad in this? What about other family members. You can't put your life on hold to help raise your nephew as much as you love him, you can be there to support him but is this arrangement going to inhibit you living a fulfilled life

Some more excellent points.

Sanjii · 29/08/2020 13:17

he moved in three weeks ago. Brings his DS over half of the week and is already dictating how you use your spare room?

Sorry OP, but there are a lot of red flags. I would run/split up (I know, easier said than done) but this will not end well. Trust me.

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 29/08/2020 13:18

@titchy

Frankly this is what happens when you move a bloke in after only six months. Give your head a wobble. He needs to move out. bet he won't have his kid 4 times a week if you're not around to help look after him

It's supposed to be fun fun fun at the six month mark. Not this.

This. If he wants his child to have a nice room he can do it in his own house for a few years first.
lockdownalli · 29/08/2020 13:21

@titchy

Frankly this is what happens when you move a bloke in after only six months. Give your head a wobble. He needs to move out. bet he won't have his kid 4 times a week if you're not around to help look after him

It's supposed to be fun fun fun at the six month mark. Not this.

This.

He saw you coming.

DopamineHits · 29/08/2020 13:27

He moved in three weeks ago and got pissed off at you tidying HIS child's toys away?

Move carefully, and very slowly.

cornflakecritter · 29/08/2020 13:29

I think with moving in so soon you possibly have seen earlier the difficulties with this relationship. I would ask him to move out and see how the relationship goes from there if you wish.

fatgirlslimmer · 29/08/2020 14:03

@LegHair

I am no longer a SW but have never worked with children and families - only older adults with MH issues. But a CP SW would only be involved if abuse and neglect were suspected and that is certainly not the case with either child!!
@LyraBelacquaSilvertongue / @LegHair No one mentioned CP, that is not in question. However as a SW you study, receive training and have safeguarding responsibilities. Are you suggesting that as an adult MH SW you would have no insight into family relationships? What if the adult client had an adult and child living with them?

What if the older adult had a partner who had moved in 3 weeks ago and was causing concern? What about the knowledge and awareness required to recognise signs (or red flags as quoted by many pp).

That is why I asked what your own advice would be in your situation.