AIBU - DP’s baby and DN

[LyraBelacquaSilvertongue]

Background: DP of 6 months has a 17 month old child who mostly lives with the mum. DP is a very involved dad and we have his son (‘DSS’) over 3-4x per week and one of those is an overnight (it’s my house for context).

I have a 9 year old nephew (DN) who has often stayed with me due to DSis’ physical health issues, we are extremely close and DN has always felt like mine is a second home.

Anyway due to COVID this weekend is the first that DN has come to stay since I have been with DP, so their first meeting. DSS’ mum has DSS this weekend, although when we originally talked about having DSS and DN together this weekend I said ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’.

Since partner moved we have called my spare room the ‘boys’ room’, with a plan to decorate it and use it for both boys. We have been using it to store DSS’ toys and nappies but DSS has been sleeping in a cot in our room. I’ve always previously called it ‘DN’s room’.

Before DN came to stay I tidied away all of DSS’ things in the room and put up some of DN’s things. I didn’t give it much thought but DP was really upset and said that I had excluded DSS and made it clear (from what I said previously and from tidying the things away) that DP and DSS do not have a home here. DP said any parent would feel the way he does.

I am not a parent but a very devoted aunt and I want to be a great step-mum to DSS as he grows up, so please can I have some guidance here as to whether I was being unreasonable? As above bedroom will be decorated for both boys and DSS’ things will come out of the wardrobe once DN has gone home.

YANBU - it was good to tidy away the baby things for DN

YABU - I excluded DSS by tidying away the baby things and saying ‘I don’t want DN to feel left out’

I am no longer a SW but have never worked with children and families - only older adults with MH issues. But a CP SW would only be involved if abuse and neglect were suspected and that is certainly not the case with either child!!

Switched profiles! I’m still the OP!

@Pickleypickles

Sorry but you have been seeing DP for 6 months? And he has moved in and you are playing step mum? You dont even know each other! Why have you moved so fast?

This x 100. Also the one where they mention that DSS has a room at his dad's house surely - oh wait, does he only live at yours?

Suggest he moves out and then he can call the shots in his own home. It's been just over 8 months all in, so he's your boyfriend, not partner.

Just seen your update, Jesus OP. Get him out.

So many red flags that I don't know where to start!

He screams cock lodger.

Meant to say as well... this behaviour is the thin end of the wedge. After 6 months, this is very telling.

Read your update OP.

No it didn't make sense for him to move into your two bed because he has a child he is solely responsible for.

You are not his child's mother and you are also an unofficial carer for another child.

Tell him if that is his attitude to your nephew, who may end up staying with you more often if his mother gets sicker and could end up living with you full-time if the worse happens, then he needs to move out.

OP, I’m not sure why people are knocking you for moving in after 6 months. Ok it’s quite quick, but this is pretty common in my circles, and can make a lot of sense financially, if you live far apart, or in terms of spending time together if you have jobs, kids, commitments elsewhere.
Lots of reasons for giving it a go under one roof, not least that you’ll know pretty quickly if the relationship will work or not! I know people who’ve wasted years dating living apart and then move in together and realise they can’t stand each other!

Been in a similar situation myself but for the first year of living together, DP kept old routine & would stay with family when he had DS (weekends). We would go out to park etc all together so I got to know him but he didn’t stay at my home. Would this be a possibility for you just to slow things down a bit? As other have said it’s way too soon for him to dictate anything to you about your home, Just be sure he isn’t using you. He’s maybe just feeling a bit insecure about things and knows the shift of power is in your favour now. People can be funny about that.

I don't think YABU.

There's absolutely no need to leave baby things or when the baby isn't actually there.

I agree that this has all moved very fast. I find people these days move in more for financial reasons, than reasons of commitment and it can lead to feeling trapped.

@Somethingkindaoooo

So

Your partner could only provide HIS SON
shared space in a ' tiny one bedroom flat' but is angry with you (!!)

Words fail.

So, he's angry that his childs stuff gets moved to accommodate your nephew- when his son ISN'T. EVEN.THERE... ?

Surely any decent man would be grateful that you are going to any trouble to dedicate space for his child-shared or not.

It is disturbing that he has the audacity to be angry with you for ' failing' to provide for his son, even though you are providing more for his child than he did.

Disturbing indeed.

^ This with bells on. The cheek of the guy 😲

He has only moved in 3 weeks ago and he’s already trying to call the shots.
OP, watch yourself with this one. Your poor DN.

His attitude makes me wonder whether he sought you out, knowing his tenancy was coming to an end.

Single woman with no kids and a two bedroom house of her own?

Sounds ideal for someone in his position and now you're nephew is 'messing up' his plans, he's not happy.

FFS, the lengths to which people will go to have A Relationship never fails to blow my mind. 'DP'? You've known this guy six months and already consider him a 'partner', have moved him in and have him dictating to you what you do in your own home?! He's some loser with more baggage than T5 bullying you to swing his dick around. He's not a 'good dad', he doesn't even have his own place for his baby son?

FUCK that! Your nephew was here first. Your loyalty should be to your own family to the extent where your first response to any Johnny-come-lately trying to tell you otherwise should be 'Fuck off!'

FAR too much, too soon. More red flags than a Labour convention. This guy needs to parent his child on his own and you have no business being a 'step mum' (you're not even married to this git, thank fuck).

He needs to move out.

You need to raise your standards to sea level at least because right now they're in the Earth's mantle and it shows.

He moved in three weeks ago, was paying huge rent for a tiny 1 bed and when that tenancy came to an end it made sense for him to move in to my 2 bed
Translation: He didn't want to be fully responsible for HIS child so chose to move in with a woman who he could manouevre into taking on the parental responsibilities.

If you broke up tomorrow - would he be expecting his 'rent' back???

He moved in three weeks ago, was paying huge rent for a tiny 1 bed and when that tenancy came to an end it made sense for him to move in to my 2 bed with a garden with a small mortgage. He pays me rent and 50/50 on bills.

How convenient for him...
I don't think he should be making a fuss about you tidying away some baby things because of your DN's visit after he's been living there for 3 weeks and then making a fuss about being excluded and not having a "home" here.
A "home" takes time to establish. You don't just move in and after 3 weeks it's your home so you start dictating to the gf who's home it actually is. The arrangement with DN has been going on for several years. It's his second-home.
Obviously if the relationship was to continue longer then it would become DP's home but this takes time and takes discussion as to how to make the home work for everyone - and in this case this would include DN as well as DSS.

If the DP was so bothered about a "home" he should have continued to live in his one-bed flat or moved to another property which would be more suitable for visits by DSS.

Get him moved back out. He's only going to get worse.

I can't believe the cheek of him. He's only been there 3 weeks and is dictating how you should organise your home. He's not a keeper OP.
He's on to a good thing and should be grateful you are happy for him to live there and happy for his child to stay over so frequently. Absolute cheeky bastard.

Sorry but you have been seeing DP for 6 months? And he has moved in and you are playing step mum? You dont even know each other! Why have you moved so fast?
This.

Sounds like your DP just seeking a new partner quickly to share childcare.

Did DP have his own place when you met or has he moved straight from his ex's to yours?

The room is your nephew's room. Don't make him share it with a toddler who is not even a relative.

I would end it now. It will only last if you toe the line.

He is marking out his territory in your house by claiming the spare room as his baby sons. Now he's getting affronted at you trying to use it for your DN as you always had.
Reminds me when l moved into our first jointly owned house with DH which we put fifty fifty into deposit etc.
Dh's son still lived with him at 19 so obv.moved in with us.
What l didn't reckon on was SS strutting around the house with daddy deciding which room he would have, plumping for the one with en suite wet room, then declaring he also wanted to have regular baths in our bathroom. Then he carried on his tour, musing whether he would use the spare room or the garage for a pool table.
Needless to say l had to point out to SS and DP that it was half my house too so l was buggered if l was not going to even have privacy of my own bathroom with dh and the spare room/spaces in the house, couldn't be used by me for any purpose as were going to also be commandeered by SS.

He really needs to understand your nephews role in your life - maybe that’s been less apparent to him because nephew hasn’t been visiting over lockdown?

You need to make crystal clear to him that right now your relationship with your nephew is more important than your relationship with his baby. It’s always been your nephews room, and he will stay with you as often as you want. If your sister’s health worsened presumably he would move in with you for longer periods or even permanently.

Any parent who knows anything about parenting would also realise that a toddler couldn’t care less about his stuff being on display, whereas a 9 year old is likely to care a lot.

It’s not a good sign that he’s emotionally bullying you by playing the card that he’s a parent.

Ask yourself honestly - how much are you looking after this toddler? Would your partner have as much time with the toddler if you weren’t on the scene?

Agree with User43210: out of the four people directly involved, DN is by far most the likely to be upset or confused by the fast changes. You're right to protect him and ease him in to the new situation. I can see DP being disappointed about skipping his regular weekend, but you've been extremely welcoming and accommodating to his son; how about his showing the same consideration for your nephew?

If DP is genuinely upset that you tidied DSS's things away before DN arrived, HIBU. DSS isn't even using the room yet as he's sleeping in yours. Once DN understands what's happening and you've got the room redecorated and both boys are using it, you can leave it mostly "as is" no matter which of the boys (or both) is with you.

Is it possible DP is feeling bad about the situation in general, and feels it's more acceptable to say he's mad or hurt for DSS rather than for himself? As he's moved into your place (and not kept his own place?) perhaps he is feeling like it's yours alone instead of both of yours (which may actually be the truth, depending on how you're handling and splitting up household responsibilities and expenses). I'd encourage him to stop sulking (if he still is) and talk honestly about how to go forward.

Too much too soon. He sounds quite controlling and that may red flag other areas he is expecting you to concede on. How convenient that his lease expired just after lockdown. Your dn has been part of your life for longer and his child has less claim on your property and time until such time as your relationship is permanent. Was this not discussed beforehand?

I think what you have done is reasonable putting babies stuff away etc and your dp is being unreasonable as it sounds like you have only put them in the wardrobe
Those saying about moving in after only 6 months I am sure plenty have done that , sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't ( i moved in with dh after about 4/ 5 months and we have been together 21 years )
And you said he is paying rent and half bills so not like he is taking advantage
You just need to have a frank discussion that the room in your house is for both children to use and that you dn has always stayed with you and will continue to do so when you want , he either accepts that or not .

I would worry about his attitude to your dn.. I think your dn is going to stop wanting to come to your place within the next year, possibly sooner.

Too many red flags. He surely knew the set-up with your DS and DN. Did he really expect to take over just because he has a baby?!
It was totally reasonable of you to tidy away the baby things and get your DN's stuff out.

Couldn't agree more.

All this hassle for a kid that's not yours... he should move out and get another little room to stay in with this son.

This would just put me off him.

Hmm, your DP's reaction to this would be settling off alarm bells if this were me. He's been living in your home for 2 months and is already trying to lay down the law about how your second bedroom is used for your DN, who has been in your life for 9 years. You need to take a very firm line with this man and remind him whose home it is, and for god's sake don't marry him. Be vigilant about anymore entitled behaviour, this could be the first sign of a man who thinks he gets to call the shots by virtue of him having a penis.