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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands secret debt

253 replies

Beckixox · 29/08/2020 07:10

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 29/08/2020 07:15

It’s not up to your parents to bail him out. I wouldn’t stay with him. And I suggest you check your own credit score too.

Florencex · 29/08/2020 07:18

I would not talk to my in-laws or my own parents about our finances.

I do not see how moving out or threatening him will help the situation. Would you not be better sitting down and coming up with a plan to deal with this together, or is there a long history of having already tried that?

Frownette · 29/08/2020 07:20

How much is the debt in total? What was it spent on?

Quartz2208 · 29/08/2020 07:23

What is he is debt for? By your account you know where the bills etc go for so what spending was it on

Original poster
Beckixox · 29/08/2020 07:24

In total about £30k and as far as I can see, absolutely nothing. We have dont any big holidays, no extravagant purchase.

OP posts:
MNX42 · 29/08/2020 07:24

Do you know what he's been spending the money on? How much debt is he in, as to some people 10k wouldn't be a big deal, to others it would be shocking? I sympathise as I was in a similar boat 10 years ago with my husband hiding 36k of debt from me. We sold up and downsized to pay it off and I now keep a very close eye on finances.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 29/08/2020 07:25

Is there a backstory? Whilst it’s irresponsible he seems to want to sort it and I think your being a bit mean.

He sounds embarrassed and unless your 100% sure I wouldn’t be so dismissive of what your FIL said

I would want to sit down and work out a plan to sort it out - you haven’t mentioned how much but if you were looking to get a new mortgage you might be able to include the debt within that

MNX42 · 29/08/2020 07:25

Sorry, crossed post! You need to find out what it was spent on.

Original poster
Beckixox · 29/08/2020 07:25

I have told my parents we don’t want them to help us but they have said they will do what they can because of the boys, which is why we are going round to se if they can help us in looking at the monthly repayments and see where we can pay more etc

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 29/08/2020 07:27

If he's got nothing to show for it could he have been gambling?

You really do need to get to the root cause of how he's managed to overspend by such a massive amount, or you'll be back in the same situation in a couple of years time.

Gingernaut · 29/08/2020 07:28

You need to know where the money's bèen going.

Frittering that kind of money, he might have a gambling problem.

Frownette · 29/08/2020 07:30

£30k is a little large if you're working but you do need to find out exactly why and what it was spent on.

You may be able to work through this but it's between you and him.

Original poster
Beckixox · 29/08/2020 07:30

I have asked all that, drug, drink and gambling. He says no and I can’t see any names pop up in the statements.

OP posts:
FOJN · 29/08/2020 07:30

I'd want to know what he had spent the money on to make sure he didn't have a problem, such as gambling. Clearing this debt and moving forward is one thing but not sure I would sign up for that if I was likely to find myself in the same situation in a couple of years time.
You need to see all the paperwork related to the debt and see where it's gone and how long it took to reach 30k. I'd also be concerned that he's blown 30k and the family have not benefitted in anyway, fine if you are very wealthy but otherwise suggests incredible selfishness.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 29/08/2020 07:32

I actually think that financial infidelity is as bad as sexual infidelity. You have been lied to. Your husband has taken and spent all all this money, and only now it is this bad does he hand the baton to you to sort it out.

DrManhattan · 29/08/2020 07:33

What a mess!
I would be really cautious about getting your parents involved. They will have good intentions but you don't want him taking the piss out of them.
I'd be raging. You can't solve this until he works on any underlying addictions.

EggysMom · 29/08/2020 07:33

You have two reasons to be angry, but also therefore two things to consider in terms of what has to be resolved for you to continue your marriage:

  • the debt
  • the secrecy

Ironically the debt is easier to resolve (and your marriage vows probably did say "for richer or poorer" Grin ). You need to assess your income and expenditure, work out where you can save money, and then work out a repayment plan starting with the debt with highest interest first. Helpful tools are YNAB (you need a budget) and MSE (money saving expert). www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

But you will also be angry because he hid this, and you only found out by accident - if you hadn't been looking for a larger mortgage, you wouldn't know. So it's time for honest conversations, not just about what he's spent it on, but also why he couldn't tell you; for example, was it spent on betting and he has a gambling problem? Has he been bailing out his poorly father or another family member who used to rely on their father?

rottiemum88 · 29/08/2020 07:34

I'd suggest contacting StepChange or similar, they may be able to help him with a voluntary arrangement. In your shoes I'd sooner have him consider this than taking money from your parents in the first instance. If you have joint debts it could affect your credit rating too though, but if you're determined to stay with him this may be the lesser of two evils.

In your shoes, £30k down and nothing to show for it, I'd be leaving. No question.

Frownette · 29/08/2020 07:36

Is he prone to largesse?

You really do need to find out what it was spent on first, and keep family out I'm of it.

Then when you know more you can make a decision.

kidsdrivingmemad · 29/08/2020 07:36

I'd be leaving him and letting him move back to his parents and sort his own mess out. You'll never trust him again and who's to say he won't get in this mess again?

Frownette · 29/08/2020 07:36

Out of it

RichPetunia · 29/08/2020 07:37

This happened to me. I told him to leave and now couldn’t be happier. It also happened to another member of my family, they went into a trust deed, but old habits die hard and now - many years later, the debt is starting to accumulate again.
Funnily enough, it was men who’d got themselves into the mess both times. Sorry, I’ve no magic wand but wanted to let you know you are not alone and it’s a common problem.

user1471538283 · 29/08/2020 07:37

I would want to know the full and final figure. This drip feeding of amounts is a worry. What has he been spending it on? Why cant he live within his means? What is HE going to do to sort this mess out? Is there any debt in your name or against the house? If he doesn't sort it out for good without your and your parents help then I would leave. He will financially ruin you

Potterpotterpotter · 29/08/2020 07:37

I don’t think you’re being a bit ‘mean’.

Running up 30k worth of debt behind your back is unacceptable and a shit thing to do! It doesn’t just effect him but also you. You now have to help fix it when you didn’t creat the problem.

My partner knows that if he ran up any kind of debt like that then is he gone.

I’d personally move out to show him how serious this is... then decide down the line if you think you can work through it.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 29/08/2020 07:38

I'm a bit unsure why you say his parents are enabling him. Are you saying they are loaning him money?

If so, please make sure you don't compound this by accepting financial help from your parents. I hope they are only offering help on how you should deal with the issue.

As your FIL is worried your husband will harm himself, he clearly knows something of the problem. As you feel they have enabled it, YWNBU to tell them your marriage is at stake as a result. However, I would want to make sure they didn't offer any more money, especially as FIL is bed-bound and vulnerable.

YANBU to leave to show him you are serious. He has been deceitful, told many lies and been secretive over a long period for you not to know about this. This is something a lot of marriages wouldn't survive. (My hairdresser split up with her long-term partner over a similar situation).

Not talking to your ILS about this isn't going to help.

I would want total access to my husband's bank statements to determine why it came about and what money has been spent on.

Also, who decided all bills should come out of your account?
Do you know, for definite, how much he earns?
Does he have a gambling problem or other addiction?