Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

I think it is perfectly possible to run up this sort of debt over a space of a few years on things like a family holidays, car repairs, new washing machine, Christmas presents, short of cash one month so put petrol on it, buying school uniform etc etc
Interest rates can be high and if you are paying minimum each month you just pay interest and hardly anything off actual debt.
You are probably living beyond your means.
I think you both need to be totally honest with expenditure but you both need to muck in and take responsibility for family finances.
However if he has been spending it on an expensive hobby, gambling etc then thats a whole other ball game.

So as an accountant I would work through all of the credit card and bank accounts separately using a spreadsheet. Literally list down the expenditure by type and make sure the balances you come up with reconcile back to the statement figure at the end of the month. That way you see where the cash has gone. You need to be sure he has disclosed everything and is not holding back. I have certainly seen cases of individuals who simply spend lots of cash on clothes, music, nights out etc without restraint and run up significant bills but 30k is going some. I now he has reassured you that this is not gambling or drug related but please keep an open mind on this as well. As others have suggested StepChange the debt charity might be useful to talk to in the first instance. For note, formally your spouse's credit record is not your own, but a connection is often visible on a record so take care that you give his debt the importance it deserves. Credit card debt is usually very expensive compared to borrowing cash elsewhere.

Whatever the cause you need to find out why. We can all speculate over high interest, drugs, blackmail or prostitution, but only the OP can find out.

My reaction would depend on how much he was trying to sort the situation out himself.

Passive, acting like a naughty child who's been caught, begging for forgiveness with no change required from him, and waiting for me to wave a magic wand and make it all better = relationship over.

Getting all his bank statements together, listing out how much / where all the debt sits, working out his in-comings and outgoings, figuring out how he got into this situation, reading up on his different options for getting out of it, starting the hard work of actually getting out of it (e.g. setting himself a budget, setting up ebay accounts to sell any possessions he's willing to), joining Money Saving Expert for advice and support, etc etc = there's a chance we can get through this together.

Most importantly, he needs to take responsibility for this, and he needs to come up with a plan for change.

To run up a debt of 30k over 5 years, you would need to be overspending £115 per WEEK in excess

Not when you take into account the snowball effect of compound interest. £10k over 5 years @25% would easily come to another £20k on top of the original debt before you even start to consider penalty charges for late payment and fees for cash advances.

Some cards charge even more than that. I spoke to a client who's struggling the other day and she's paying 29.9% on some card or other. Bank of Chiselling Gougers, probably. Rates like that were common in the late 80s/early 90s, when base rates were in the mid-high teens, but I'm buggered if I can see any justification for it now that base rates are next to nothing.

I'm debt free now, but years ago I was thousands in debt as I was addicted to online psychics. I also tried to pay off my overdraft with a bank loan. I was extremely stupid.

@Beckixox sounds like your DH isn't being completely honest with you. There's all sorts of reasons for being in debt but I suspect he's hiding something very significant indeed.

He may be saying no but all gamblers are good liars I wouldn't put this on your parents he needs proper independent debt counselling either citizens advice or national debt service that way all debt will have to be disclosed and he will have to manage it himself at the moment you're in take charge mode and he's relying on you to sort it out. He's deceived you to the tune of 30k that's no small amount in my books I bet there's more outstanding. Without accountability and I mean real accountability he won't change just rely on you to sort it

I know you’ve said he was always at work or with you so have discounted a secret life but that can’t be true really as you’d have seen him spend the £30k otherwise.

My DH ran up huge credit card debts and his were on hotel rooms for his other woman and prostitutes and strip clubs. He was never exceptionally late home from work and I had no idea for 10 years what he was up to. I’d suggest you look at the credit card statements carefully to see what he was spending on before you make any decisions. If he says he doesn’t have them, he can get copies of the last 6 years worth from the credit card companies so don’t be fobbed off. He’s not going to have spent that kind of money on sweets and newspapers so if there are no material goods which you can see which represent big spends, he’s been up to something you need to know about before you decide your future - whether that’s sex, drugs, alcohol or gambling or some other secret vice.

@Beckixox

Thankyou, to clear up some questions Yes he sends me money for bills, it was easier then setting up a joint account Thankyou for all the people that have been through this and letting me know their stories good and bad, it’s so nice to hear that I’m not alone. We aren’t looking at remortgaging but if it came to that then that is what it is. Thankyou for all the information about websites and which are the best places to contact. I’ve never had a credit card, overdraft as I don’t want to risk being in this situation (how ironic) I’ve had one loan in the past to fix my car. I am totally clueless in this situation and don’t know what to look for and even where to begin which is why my parents offered to help. Different eyes pick up different things and what not. Xx

With all due respect, unless your parents work in debt management or similar, their advice may be wrong, no matter how well meaning. PPs have linked to MSE. Martin Lewis is an expert on debt, read what he says, get your credit reports and fill out the SOA/budget plan. Then you contact Stepchange or one of the other charities. (Be aware that there are companies who come up on Google, pretending to be Stepchange, and they charge for their services. None of the charities charge for their help. There should be links to take you to the charities on MSE.)

Whatever you do, do not remortgage your house to pay the debts. That will turn unsecured debt, into secured debt, and you risk losing your home.

Also, do not consolidate the debts by getting another loan to pay them off. Unless the underlying cause is addressed, you'll just end up with even more debt, as he can then start spending on credit cards again.

Good luck.

Something smells off here. Even with compound interest you don't amass £30k of debt without spending it on something.

He's hiding and lying to you. The 'accidental' remembering of additional debt is a load of bollocks. It takes about 5 minutes to register for a free account on Clear Score - which tells you exactly every scrap of debt you have outstanding against your name.

If you want your marriage to survive this then it depends on him being honest. Honest with you about how much he owes, to whom and where the money has gone. And honest with his parents - rather than spinning a fairy story so that one of them will pick up the phone to emotionally blackmail you.

I would tell him to pack his bags and go to his parents. And that you will be willing to talk to him when he comes back with a definitive list of what he owes, and where it was spent. If he can't remember then he needs to look at his bank and credit card providers for historic statements - most of which can be downloaded by month straightaway from the online account.

If he's not willing or able to do that, then there is something seriously off. As it is, if he has nothing to show for this amount of debt, then my guess is that he's been gambling.

Unpopular opinion but I would tell his parents but I’d make him move out to be with his parents, I wouldn’t move out myself. I’d only make him move out for a short time though. Sort of a shame/consequence lesson thing.

1.5 years ago I discovered that my DH had run up £38k of secret debt. He attended a CAP course and promised to be honest with me. Unfortunately a few week ago it turned out that he hadn't been and had run up a further 10k.

In his case he has an addiction to spending, to that burst dopamine that is released when you buy something. He also had major issues stemming from a childhood with very little money meaning he over compensates.

It has taken huge grace to decide to stay following this second betrayal. However as it is the only issue in which we have problems I feel that it is better to stay than leave. However it is on the condition that he attends a Debtors Anonymous meeting every week for the rest of his life, that all accounts are shared so I can see where every penny goes and that I can check his credit report every month. I hold the purse strings now and under my plan we will have paid off the debt in less than 2.5 years.

If you stay then please don't make the mistake I did and give him another chance at managing his own money, take control now and make sure he can't run up debt without your knowledge.

It's not THAT hard to rack up 30K by overspending! Meals out and shopping etc. on credit cards without worrying too much about price, then more credit cards to balance transfer and then not pay that back and very soon it all adds up.

Some people are very good at earning £100 and living a £1000 lifestyle.

I worked with someone like your DH. He was friends with the bookkeeper and she would split his paycheque into two - one to give to his wife and one for him. He also had a couple secret credit cards and had the bills sent to our work's address. Apparently he was in a lot of debt as he liked being the big guy and would buy rounds for everyone at the pub as well as buy himself anything he wanted. He also had his mortgage broker work out ways he could borrow off his home equity without his wife knowing. The marriage did break up eventually and the house had to be sold. I don't know if they made anything out of the sale but I hope she wasn't left with a pile of debt caused by him.

Good grief where do these men get off acting like 14 yo with a credit cards and ruining their families futures.

I know someone who run up a debt by being cheap. Not joking. H3 needed computer for work. He bought cheap piece of shit. He needed new one soon. and so on. Not just computer. Many other things. Essentially it all boiled down to wanting x which costs 1000 if it's good quality, but not the most expensive. But he bout x for 400. Which broke. So in the end he bought number of xs for 400 instead of one for a 1000. It happened with radiators, roof parts, furniture etc. Things which need to be done. The cheapest repairman... If you get what I mean. Honestly. Debt by being cheap. I learned good lesson and know now when to spend more and when not.

Bought... Apologies for all that abysmal grammar 😂

I wish it was something like gambling just be careful what you wish for!

As others have said the key here is to get to the bottom of what the money has been spent on. If he's addicted to something, anything, even spending in and of itself, he needs professional help.

I wouldn't stay unless he got counselling because frankly addictions don't just go away.

I had an addiction to gambling (on line slots). I am pleased to say I have been gamble free for over 2 years now.

I told my husband about my addiction, but, I’ve never told him the scale of the financial hole I got into. I am the major wage earner, and always made sure the bills were paid, and still do.

I was £23k in debt when I stopped gambling, I am now £11k in debt, and will be debt free in 2 years. I have paid all this off without my husband knowing - my debt my problem.

If it is gambling, it’s unlikely he would tell you - it’s an addiction, and addicts lie.. in part of the addiction. There is lots of help out there - I signed up for a website that prevents any gambling, best thing I ever did, I feel like it saved my life.

It’s been nice to see my debt decreasing ... a plan is really important, but not too harsh a pay off plan, you still need space for fun (Gam Care taught me that one)

My husband would never have left me over the debt, I have never told him because I’m ashamed... he was really supportive over my addiction.

Very true @ExtraOnions I did tell my husband some of my losses but kept some hidden. I have self restricted on all my accounts so I cannot gamble for 6 years. Hopefully by then I'll stop thinking about it but it's only been a few months gamble free for me. Well done on your two years :)

@LikeGlitterandGold

I worked with someone like your DH. He was friends with the bookkeeper and she would split his paycheque into two - one to give to his wife and one for him. He also had a couple secret credit cards and had the bills sent to our work's address. Apparently he was in a lot of debt as he liked being the big guy and would buy rounds for everyone at the pub as well as buy himself anything he wanted. He also had his mortgage broker work out ways he could borrow off his home equity without his wife knowing. The marriage did break up eventually and the house had to be sold. I don't know if they made anything out of the sale but I hope she wasn't left with a pile of debt caused by him.

That's crazy. What a bastard he sounds.

30k doesn't disappear I would be telling him either you tell me what it went on or I walk away now. He must have an addiction of some sort. Unless his made bad investments which I doubt is the cause. Its either drugs drink gambling or spending it in places he doesn't want you knowing his visiting. Demand the statements. If its cash withdrawals you will need him to tell you where it went. Without him being honest about where its gone I would not be staying

Contact stepchange they will help work out the best course of action based on what you can afford and get companies to freeze interest. They will set up a debt management plan or look at an iva if necessary

a few years ago I accrued alot of debt, more than your DH. I hid it from my OH, I thought I could manage it and tried to move it around, ended up paying lots of interest on credit cards, got a loan to try and pay it off and couldnt get enough to pay it all off. So it ended up in a mess where I was paying alot of interest. I wasnt a drug addict, or a gambler, I accrued debt over a peroid of time spending more than I earned and got into a mess trying to sort it out.

I had to open up to my OH, he was devastated, however we came up with a plan, paid it all off, we set up experian so he checks that, he has access to my bank account. I dont have a credit card and I havent got into that mess again. On looking back I should have spoken to my OH and not let it spiral, If your to move forward he needs to be absolutely transparent and honest

It’s not what you want to hear but I would expect full disclosure or I’d start thinking about splitting up. If the honesty isn’t there then what have you got?