Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

You don't say how long you have been married/together, did he have debt from before that he has just kept "adding" to?
What other secrets has he been keeping?
Its the question of the secrecy that would get to me, if you ask him for complete transparency will he actually comply with this?
Is he prepared for you to have complete control over his finances with him only having "pocket money" or will he take out more credit cards if you try this?

Check the statements line by line, add up what the money has been used for recording the total for each area of expenditure. You will then get a good oversight of what has gone wrong. If he is getting into debt just to stay afloat, then that is a massive cause for concern and you will both need to make some serious lifestyle changes. It may be that he trying to give you the best life he can; but can't really afford it. A whole budget overview will be needed anyway, to work out how it can be paid back.

I personally would not leave my dh over this if it does not include drugs/strippers etc if I was able to see clearly what has happened to the money. I would not be able to trust him until I was satisfied there wasn't more to this.

Please keep your parents at arms length, just in case it all goes wrong and they lose their money.

If his father is saying your dh is feeling suicidal I would not be so quick to dismiss it op. You need to take it very seriously, and assume he is extremely desperate right now and overwhelmed. Threats of divorce etc will only make things worse (even if you decide that will be the outcome) Try to be supportive for now until you have all of the facts, as this could cost you more than 30k if handled badly.

So what HAS he spent £30k on?????

Is it to fund a lifestyle for both of you it's just that you didn't realise he was using credit to pay for it?

I'd keep your parents out of it and tell HIS what exactly is going on

I think you need to print all the statements and try and account for all the debt. Then deduct the interest to give a better idea if the actual spend. Unless I could try and make sense of where it has gone I don't think I could move on. It's part of the moving on process.

OP

You seem to be sorting this out or taking the initiative.

What's he going to do?

How is he going to work out what he spent the money on? What work is he going to do to try and work out why he did it? What's he going to change going forward about how he manages his money and spending habits? What's he going to do to reassure you that it's not going to happen again?

You need to be asking him all this, its his problem to fix (which doesn't mean you wont help).

For example I think he should be saying that to help manage his money better he will give you control of the finances and you put some into a separate account for him to spend over month with no overdraft and when it's gone it's gone. And he should be looking at where he can cut back eg sky sports, hobbies, gym etc.

If it's you saying these things and he is not fully on board then he is ultimately going to resent you for interfering with his money and stopping him having fun and he will use that to justify going behind your back and getting another card

I wouldn't involve parents at all.

You are both adults-surely you can go through statements, look at outgoings & come up with a plan together?

I'd probably have to leave though-the trust would be gone & he wouldn't be who I thought he was.

He has an addiction. Unless he can admit to this there is no going forward. It may be an addiction to spending.

I have a coupe of friends who had xDHs like this, and as many PPs have done. They paid off the debts only for them to accrue more in a couple of years.

One mate checked credit scores every month, had all bills and wages go into her account, but still he managed to get another credit card.

It's an illness. Not sure it can be cured. Don't take any money from your parents, you'll just be chucking it away.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I really hope you can salvage your marriage, but if he does it again you must walk away.

I have been in your shoes.

What helped us was Step Change (also I hear National Debt Advice) is good- get advice from them before going to family as they are experts in helping people.

He doesn't have to have gambled- presumably this has built up over many years. Debt is so easy to take on and doesn't feel real when you get another credit card. It's then easy to make minimum payments, the interest rates shoots up to something that ought to be illegal (25/30%) and before you know it, you need to pay back a huge amount a month- hence more borrowing.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/persistent-debt-help/

Also- a lot of people who go into their overdrafts regularly and don't consider this 'debt' are in for a horrible surprise. Banks are going to put them up to 40% very soon. I have a £7000 overdraft that luckily I am not currently using, but soon that would be £10k or more with such punitive rates and nothing actually paid back.

I would not leave someone for burying their head in the sand, and I didn't, but I did take action to secure my own future by getting debt repaid, separating my finances, and my husband being totally on board and motivated. We cleared our debt over about 6 years, not fun, but glad I didn't leave him over it.

Look at all his spending not just credit cards but also all bank accounts he has access to.

As PPs have said, interest can be a killer. Also it gets worse as he works his way through the various providers.

Month by month do a full cashflow. Cash in from all sources and cash out by category. Is he still overspending and if so on what? It's easy to get into a Costa habit which will fritter a couple of hundred away in a month.

It is his mess to come up with a plan to sort but if it is only foolishness then I think you should stay and help. If you want to stay together then walking out now to teach him a lesson won't help.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

Again, calm sensible advice, depending on your situation.

*I would divorce him.
I would not be prepared to take on this debt.

He'll probably do it again in the future anyway.
People like him never learn*

I don't think that's true. Actually, I know it's not. I had £10k on cards and cleared it, and now just use one card occasionally and pay it in full every month. And I have a few K in savings, for the first time in my life.

My husband did the same thing. I found out by accident, the first time I sorted out repaying the debt and thought things were fine. Later found out there were two other large loans he hadnt told me about. OK we remortgaged the house and he did it a third time. I couldnt afford to move out and I had nowhere to go and only had a low paid part time job.
I lost all respect for him and could never feel any love towards him again. We were married for 43 years. He mostly spent it on drinking with his mates I found out and subsidising their drinking as well.
He would never have changed, he had no idea bout managing money

You said you have separate accounts and all household bills come out of your account. Does he not contribute at all or does he put money into that account?
I also wouldn't be giving up on the marriage and would work on this with him. But he would have to be completely transparent about where the money has gone. If it's credit cards, there should be a paper trail. He also needs to actively seek help for himself and to contact debt agencies. You and his and your parents should make sure he does that himself.

And it IS possible to change
For me it’s like another person did this and I am very confident I would never do it again, I don’t want to and I look back now and think WTF?
If this man is completely open now, sorts out his mess and commits to never take any kind of credit again then maybe it will be possible to change

I was in a similar situation and it ended with bankruptcy . Don't underestimate the horror of that situation, I had to show proof that I could even pay the utility bills. There was a bit of a surge in housing prices at the time and I had to buy him out of the property while still mantaining the mortgage. He has a problem and I wouldn't involve my parents in it, he has the ability to pull you all down.

Thankyou, to clear up some questions
Yes he sends me money for bills, it was easier then setting up a joint account
Thankyou for all the people that have been through this and letting me know their stories good and bad, it’s so nice to hear that I’m not alone.
We aren’t looking at remortgaging but if it came to that then that is what it is.
Thankyou for all the information about websites and which are the best places to contact.
I’ve never had a credit card, overdraft as I don’t want to risk being in this situation (how ironic) I’ve had one loan in the past to fix my car.
I am totally clueless in this situation and don’t know what to look for and even where to begin which is why my parents offered to help. Different eyes pick up different things and what not. Xx

I wouldn't be prepared to even consider marriage counselling or staying with him if he can't account for where the money has gone and/or how the debt got so big.

Yes, compound interest might explain lots of it, but it would have to have been a pretty long time with minimum payments for a tiny debt to balloon to £30k with absolutely no explanation.

The fact he's not prepared to be completely open and honest with you now and still doesn't seem willing/able to face the consequences of his actions would worry me more than the debt itself at this point, OP.

And as a PP said, do NOT bail him out of the debt - I stupidly did this for my now exH (I had the credit rating and it was 'family money') and got saddled with £30k of debt in my name that stalked me for the next 10 years till I finally managed to pay it off.

It’s great that your parents want to help and you are close to them. But can you see how you and then fixing the problem for him absolves him of any responsibility ?

It needs to be his plan, worked out by him with expert advice and agreed with you. Otherwise he will become angry and resentful at you when it’s hard and YOU are making him work long hours and have less time and money for fun.

You mention your fil isn’t in the best of health. Is it possible he’s been supporting them to a degree? Not that I’m saying he’s in the right but if he’s helped out with wee shops here and there and treats etc then been hit with the compound interest that could be part of the reason?

My ex did this. It was the beginning of the end.

If your parents help out, he'll most likely do it again. Same if you pay it off. Because why wouldn't he? There's no consequence for him if others bail him out.

This didn't happen overnight. He could have told you so many times. He didn't. The lies would be the dealbreaker for me.

Focus on finding the root cause of the money op.

Don't look or talk about anything else until that is clear.

I would be surprised if there was not more to it, given his extreme reaction. You need the full story in order to make any decision at all about whether you help/stay together etc.

You need to know where the money has gone before you do anything else, then you can make an informed decision about your next step.

As someone who has been in the same position, you need to check both your credit reports (check yours regularly) and separate yourself financially from him. Close any joint accounts immediately or he will ruin your ability to get credit too, so no chance of another mortgage.

If he's that bad he'll drag you down too if you let him. Mine even went as far as taking out credit in my name, I reported him to the police for that. I too think he has some sort of addiction, even just to spending, because there is no way you can accumulate that much debt if you live a normal lifestyle within your means.

However, I think you already knew he was rubbish with money as you pay all the bills. I did that too for the same reason. He won't change, so I think you should leave him. But first and foremost, protect yourself

I'd want to see every credit card statement.
If you simply repay the debt without addressing the root cause, the cycle will start again but you will have already put your home at risk.
Open your eyes and get digging. What is his reason for spending money on "nothing"? Is ig depression? That won't magically disappear when the debt is repaid.

You need to sort out your finances as a couple.

Who earns more? Is the split of bills equal/proportionate? How do you pay for family expenses - kids, clothes, activities, groceries - rather than personal expenses? Do you keep 2 cats and pay separately etc.

Money inequalities can be really difficult if you do t have a transparent system and and budget and are on the same page.

You can’t say it’s all his fault until you’ve sorted out what caused the extra spending - sometimes it’s not just recklessness (or not only recklessness, at least).

Go onto money saving expert, download the SOA/budget planner and start from there.