Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

It's not the place of your parents to bail him out. Helping to sort the mess is giving him the power that they will help and he can do it again.

I would make his parents aware of his actions, and that your marriage is at stake. Why hide it from them? You're only protecting him.

Re the debt - you need to find out what it's been spent on. That's a ridiculous amount of money to not have anything to show or see where it's going. You also need to get a full tally of the amount.

I'd check your credit score too incase he has implicated you on any on the applications for loans/credit cards.

He may have implicated your house/mortgage also, so worth checking that out.

I'd want to see his plan to clearing this debt first - his mess after all. Before getting yourself involved and it costing you.

In terms of moving forward - yes you love him, yes you have DC, but the trust is gone. He knew what he was doing, he's just been caught. Who knows what else he's hiding! I'd send him packing.

I’d be cautious about your parents lending you the money, unless they can afford to loose it. There’s been too many threads or mn about friends lending money, even small amounts and never getting it back.

Firstly, you need to get all the credit cards, and cut them up.

Next, you need to find out how much is in debt. Get a low interest loan, and consolidate the debts all on there.

budget

Use this budget planner to work out income and expenditure to see how much you afford to pay off each money.

Find out what dh has been spending the money on. Get the credit card statements and see where it has gone - gambling, drugs, women (sorry), computer games, another family (far-fetched, but it does happen), Etc. Then you need to help him to stop this habit - gamblers anonymous, Drug rehabilitation, counselling etc.

However, make sure he takes responsibility for paying it back (with your help). If you do it all, he’s not learning and the old habits may continue.

Be wary of letting your parents help.. Contact CAP or Stepchange - they may be able to help. If your parents help but your H doesn't change you could be causing them financial pressure and not alleviating your own issues..

Sorry but don’t people think that he might actually need help and support? It is scarily easy to build up debt and can happen to even nice people.

@toobusytothink didn't you know it doesn't work like that on MN? If a man builds up debt through the slippery slope of small amounts and compound interest, the OP must LTB "NOW".

If a woman comes on to say she's built up £30k of debt through small purchases and compound interest then she's told to tell her DH, who should bail her out, and if he's anything other than generous, understanding, and supportive then she should LTB.

I do think the OP is being a bit mean too TBH. Do you expect his own parents to turn him away at their doorstep? Would you do that to one of your boys (assuming when you say boys you mean your children?)

Cocaine

But I do agree with others that a bail out from parents won't help. Much easier to write down what you can afford to repay (list all your incoming and outgoing expenditure to show what you have spare) and repay all debt in small amounts.

@Howallergic

Cocaine

Some people will pull muscles with all these stretches

Surely he knows what he took a loan out for?
What sort of transactions are on the credit cards?

You need to sort this on your own not involving parents because if you do stay with him that will be forever in their minds and they don’t live him like you do

*love

I don’t want them to turn him away, but I don’t want them to wrap him up and say it’s ok, don’t worry and not actually come up with sensible solutions. There first and option option was an IVA without looking at any figures or statements.

Really... cocaine.... i have already said I have asked him about drugs, drink and gambling.

I think it’s more like someone said with interest, it seems like he has taken out cards to cover another and then just didn’t stop spending.
In my eyes leaving would be too easy, marriage is a partnership and requires work from time to time. If he’s unwilling to work at it then I would leave xx

I would firstly establish what the money was spent on. It could be nothing as you have said, but I’d definitely investigate to ensure it wasn’t drugs/gambling/escorts.

Then you need to look at if he can afford this debt - is he missing payments, is he able to make them comfortably each month. If he is making payments comfortably then perhaps that part of this is less of an issue.

If it were me, personally I’d be extremely annoyed, devastated but I wouldn’t leave my husband over it. Especially if he was able to make the repayments without financially affecting me, however I really would take a while to rebuild trust etc.

If your husband is struggling with the repayments. I would suggest he contact step change, or the money advice service, or the citizens advice to gain some clarity on his repayment options.

I hope everything works out for you OP, debt can be terrible and sometimes it sneaks up on you through utter stupidity and nativity. When I was 18, I ran up 8,000 worth of debt within 5/6 months on credit cards literally on clothes, meals out etc. Luckily my dad cleared it, and I repaid it to him (every penny)

The money can't have gone on nothing.

Who pays for for food, clothing, provided cash, days out etc?

If you pay all the household bills what is DH paying for?

You need to go through statements and work out what it has been spent on. Could it be cash withdrawals - that could have been spent on anything...

Do NOT let anyone bail him out, and do NOT compromise your security ( ie moving house).
My ex husband did this repeatedly.
Wracked up debt, got consolidation loans, gradually wracked up debt again.
It was one of the very large nails in the coffin of our relationship.
It was the money but mostly it was how easy he found it to lie and be secretive.
He was sad and remorseful the first time, and then gradually got resentful. He wanted to buy things without thinking, he wanted to pop out for lunch with the boys, didn't want to watch what he spent .

I'm repeating... do not let anyone bail him out, and do not compromise your security for this.

As pp said, this may require serious help. Or maybe he's just an irresponsible man child.
My ex never did sort it out.
He's remarried, and the kids tell me stories of how he overspend, and hides things from his wife.

Do NOT bail him out!!!

Your husband hasn’t spent £30k it will be the interest which mounts up when you are paying minimum payment (or if he wasn’t making payments the default charges etc) and despite what people say it is easy to live beyond your means and put it on a credit card, doesn’t mean it went on gambling, drugs etc, just over a long period of time If he kept upping his borrowing.
I doubt that he has been happily spend spend spending more like robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Also I expect the worrying about the debt and you finding out would have been on his mind 24/7. The best way forward is to get in touch with StepChange. Hope it works out for you and your family.

Oh OP you seem to have buried your head in the sand a little. If you stay with him he's going to think it's ok for him to do whatever he wants. Will you ever be able to trust him with money again? The children deserve a stable home and not one where there will always be friction and you constantly asking what he bought and spent his money on. If he can hide this what else is he hiding?

I would go through the statements with a fine tooth comb and work out what he’s gone on. Takeaways? Random shit? Clothes? Car? 30k is a lot to spend on nothing.
I’d refuse to let your parents bail him out though, that’s a easy way out and he won’t learn. I’d make him pay it all out of his own wages.

The debt is a symptom of something deeper.

My concern would be what that is, and having a bail out would only postpone the next time.

In this case I would want full transparency, acmes to all online bank accounts, all credit cards. I would also give a window of time for things to be remembered.

My other concern would not be losing my home and if he goes bankrupt then that might be a possibility. He needs counselling, and to only be able to have a bank account with a debit card only while he pays off the. other bills.

The main issue is what made him do it? until that is revealed then the relationship will still flounder.

@Somethingkindaoooo sadly my story is the same, and I think the moral is you can’t bail him out. He either realised he has a problem (and not the crying, he’s so sorry etc), but he actually formulates a plan and does something.

In 2014 I found out my ex had 45K of debt. Spent on crap (DVD’s and then apps etc, takeaways) and then maxing out credit cards and high interest. I forgave him. We remortgaged to cover most of the debt.

To begin with life was good. We actually, each month, had more money spare.

In 2016 I found out he had racked up another 10K on a secret credit card.

When I look back on “us” working on it, it was me trying to fix it. I was the one selling stuff on eBay. I was one taking in extra work. He was just passive, went to work, so what more could he do?

You’ll end up not trusting him. I was checking his bank accounts, pay pal and Apple each month. Always worried there would be another secret credit card.

I filed for divorce. When we split our limited assets my sols told me I wouldn’t get an add back for his debt.

My ex and I are civil, but when I drop the kids off and see the Amazon parcels etc I know he’s up to his old tricks. He’ll have spent all the money he got out of the divorce and be wracking up debt again.

Don’t rush in and rescue him. Point him at Debt Free Wannabes on MSE. He has to take responsibility for fixing this or there is a risk he will do it again.
If it is financial irresponsibility then he needs to face up to it, there is loads of advice

Stepchange, Christians Against Poverty (Debt advice not religious advice).

Dave Ramsey

MSE and OU
www.open.edu/openlearn/money-business/mses-academy-money/content-section-overview?active-tab=description-tab

The Barefoot Investor

If he doesn’t own the problem and work at fixing it then I think there is a good chance he will do it again.

Is it a joint mortgage?

Speaking from experience, don't bail him out or do too much to fix this for him. If he's in that amount of debt a new mortgage is unlikely to be approved and his credit score won't be great even if he is making repayments on time. Going down the IVA / Bankruptcy route will blow any hope of him getting a new mortgage out of the water for 6yrs plus.

Push him into making bigger repayments against the highest interest debts first - credit cards, store cards etc. Then focus on the ones with lower interest rates. Martin Lewis website forum - debt free wannabe is a good place to get information.

He can’t have spent 30k on nothing. You need to find out where it’s gone for you to make sure it doesn’t happen again. He could have an addiction to something you must get to the bottom of it or you can’t be sure it won’t happen again and you could lose your house next time. Your in laws are the least of your worries find out where it’s gone !

I have been in this position but from the other side. It’s completely inexcusable and thank God my DH stood by me. I am not going to defend your DH but I will say the following.
It’s easy to do, ignore everyone saying he’s gambling or has another family
It’s a spiral and you live every day in fear of being found out while a part of you wants to be
Once you are in that situation you try and borrow your way out
You stick your head in the sand
It doesn’t mean he loves you and the dc any less
It’s no reflection on you or your relationship

Maybe you can’t forgive and move on and that’s up to you but ignore what anyone else thinks

My recommendation if you want to see where the money has gone and have a clearer picture is, download at least the bank statements for the last three years.
Put them in a spreadsheet and start looking through them.
Look in vs out money monthly. So you say you pay all bills, does he transfer money to you every month? Is he paying the mortgage? Food/days out?
If there is deficit almost every month he clearly does need some money management skills. The debt will have piled over time and hiding it only made it worse.
Have in mind if he uses cash you may never find out where the money has really gone.
Good luck op I don't think you are in a terrible situation but definitely need a new way to do your finances if you want to save your relationship

Ok 30k is a lot of money but it’s not the end of the world!, go to see
StepChange they will help you to start a payment plan hopefully manage to stop the interest payments and reduce the debt.

Then from now on take charge of the money because your husband is not very good with it. He’s not the first person to get in debt and won’t be the last. If you still love him then you can both work through this, a lot of MN forget there wedding vow through better and worse, this
is definitely a worse, but it can make you stronger in the long run.

Remember the average house hold debt in the U.K. is just over £15,000, so you are in the same boat as a lot of people. At least the cat is out the bag now , and you can sort it together if you want to.