Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

It all depends on so many factors. How long has the £30k accumulated over? Could it had started before you even got together?

What are you financial arrangemrnts.? Could it be that he is left with much less disposable income than you at the end of the months?

Could it be that he actually has larger outgoings?

How much does he earns and how long could it take to repay it?

If he has spent the money using cards then it’s a simple matter to get the statements and see what he bought.

Before you start asking for any outside help, you really need to find time to sit down together and just do finances - send the kids away for the weekend if needed, but you need to try and figure this out without distraction.

Credit card debt can really escalate quickly, and I wouldn't assume that he has a dirty dark secret - it's possible that he used the credits cards over a long period to fill in gaps, or for purchases here and there.

He seems really genuine in wanting to sort it out as he has been happy enough to tell you when he has forgotten a debt.

First you need to figure out where you stand financially - warts and all. Presumably he has been paying them off, maybe just the minimum payments, so get his bank statement and go through it, and then get the balances together.

Once you have the balances, take a deep breath.

On a practical level, why doesn't he pay his salary into a joint account so you have control, and give him a Monzo card transferring money for him until this is sorted out?

You absolutely don't have to pay off all the debt at once, but having a realistic plan is a good idea, but reassure him that he's not alone as am sure that he is feeling very overwhelmed.

He hasn’t spent 30k. Much of it will be interest.

Don’t ask or allow your parents to bail you out. You are adults. You can sort this together if you want to. I can hardly believe you even told them.

Have a look at moneysavingexpert. They have a debt free wannabe forum which can offer you loads of help and support. There will be people there on both sides and it might give you a better understanding of how this can happen as well as what you can do about it.

He had to be 100% honest about his finances if you are to fix this. A credit report will tell you if he is being honest. It will tell you who he owes money to and then you can look at recent statements. You/he needs to get rid of the highest interest credit cards first.

How he handles this going forward will determine whether ir not you can or will want to save your marriage. Good luck.

In your case I’d be making sure everything was in my name, the house, car, everything. If he can spend 30k without realising I’d make absolutely sure he couldn’t touch anything that would put the kids at risk.

There’s no point in your parents bailing you out with cash and YOU and them coming up with a plan for your to fix this while he sits and wrings his hands.

The debt is only the symptom and you are ignoring the problem. If you don’t fix that then none of this will work.

You are already paying all the bills, why on Earth would you consider Leaving the house ?

What’s the point of involving his elderly and sick parents who are not able to fix this either. He is the one with the problem - not you, not his parents and not your parents.

He need to fix this - there’s plenty good advice out there that Pp have mentioned. Has he tried to get a second job in The evenings / weekends to pay this off faster ?

What counselling or self help has he signed up to ?

Has he admitted what he spent it on yet ?

The answer is no, no and No isn’t it ? He’s hiding at his parents house so his mum aka you doesn’t give him a row.

He’s waiting for you to spend more hours going through paperwork to find out and then he will confess .

Then he’s waiting for you and his GP I mean in-laws to fix it for him.

I’m worried you are married to my 16 year old son.

OP I think you need to get him to give you access to the statements on all of his credit cards, it's the only way you can figure out where its going wrong with the spending. The other thing that can also rack up debt as much as gambling is online gaming, cam girls and porn sites. But if you have a joint debt and you intend to work through this he has to be absolutley transparent with his finances now and you need to have full access to his bank statements rather than just asking him. It's your debt too.

You need to find out what it was spent on,
You are both accountable for finance and living only a little beyond means with high interest cards could get to £30k in a few years

@Pumperthepumper

In your case I’d be making sure everything was in my name, the house, car, everything. If he can spend 30k without realising I’d make absolutely sure he couldn’t touch anything that would put the kids at risk.

Absolutely.

Haven’t read the thread - just woke up

This happened to my sister - her husband hid a £30k debt. He seemed fine one day, she discovered the debt, it turned out he was addicted to drugs and alcohol - we had no idea. If it has been dealt with above - you need him to tell you what he spent it on.

If you're going to stay with him, which it sounds like you want to, you're going to have to take control of the situation. You need total honesty from him regarding how many accounts he has and how much the debt is, you'll need to manage all the finances until the situation becomes manageable again. You'll probably have to take out a loan to cover the entire debt to make repayments manageable.

A 30k loan can be paid off in a relatively short time, if he can try and do some overtime or find another way to earn extra money so the repayments don't hurt so much.

You would be better off looking on the moneysavingexpert forums for debt advice than here.

This doesn't have to be the end of your relationship - lots of people are idiots when it comes to money, hopefully it will be a life lesson and he'll learn how to manage money far more sensibly from now on.

Good idea about not bailing him out or rescuing him. He isn’t your problem to fix he’s a an adult who can operate google and sort his his problems out.

It will be very easy for him to do this again too.

I think I would want to see itemised statements and know exactly what the debt had gone on before making any decisions. But he mustn't be bailed out, it needs to be his work and effort that sortts this now. Even if he needs to take a second job or sell some possessions to cut into the debt.

I had £10k debt from legal costs when I divorced abusive ex and it was a hard slog to pay it off fast but felt amazing when I did and gave me the discipline to save hard/overpay the mortgage.

Is his income what you think it is?

Could he be getting into debt to cover up the fact that his income is lower than what he's said it is or your unspoken understanding of what it is?

And, very far-fetched, but distantly possible - is he definitely in employment/ the employment you think he is in?

You need to get to the root of what is happening and what it has been spent on. Otherwise you may be throwing good money after bad and the debt will start up again. You need to sit together and get hold of all his income and expenditure over the years and go through everything.

I don’t want them to turn him away, but I don’t want them to wrap him up and say it’s ok, don’t worry and not actually come up with sensible solutions. There first and option option was an IVA without looking at any figures or statements

You can't dictate how they behave with their son. They're trying to be supportive, as would you be if it was your son.

People REALLY misunderstand IVAs, definitely don't go down that road!

He doesn’t know what it’s gone on

Of course he does. If he - or the two of you - want any chance of getting out of this, then he needs to start being honest.

Mine did this online gambling. I found at when he was "only" at 6K which is a huge amount of money for us. I started divorce proceedings but he begged me to stay. Long story short, I stayed. But I now have my own bank account.

Yes the secrecy is not ideal but maybe he just found it really hard to tell you

Which is no excuse.

I don't think people are saying LTB because of a MN kneejerk response. It's because it is a symptom of big problems. Its irresponsibility, deceit, immaturity and had seriously put her and her children at risk.
It's a lot to unpick.

OP can support if she so chooses, but there are many pp suggesting that OP sort it out in some way ( keep an eye on finances, budget etc). That will allow her DH to stay in the mindset that created it.

HE needs to take responsibility- with support of OP if she wants.

This isn't a small thing. Her DH not only lied, he put the whole family at risk.

Agree with downloading to spreadsheet - certainly with my bank I can go back for years. Sort each card.bank account into the same format, and combine it, with an additional column to denote which account.
Go through item by item, categorising type of expenditure.
Do this together, rather than doing it for him, or letting him doing a half arsed job on his own & lying to himself.
However many years back you go, it should help understand what is contributing to the over spending, although as you go back further it's more likely to be cash withdrawals than card spending where you can neatly see where it was spent. I expect a lot of it will be interest and finance charges,
You mentioned that you were looking at remortgaging - was that for something specific, or general living costs?

When you've got to the bottom of that, budget! Look at where costs can be cut back, see if interest can be frozen, work with a debt counsellor at some of the organisations mentioned above. (also look at Quaker Social Action, who have money management courses).

Going forward, once you have a budget, sit down weekly to review spending and check that he is keeping to it.

Good luck, it sounds like it will be a long slog.

I wonder if he was taking cash out of an ATM? That is a very expensive way of borrowing money.

I'd be wanting to know where its gone...... Is it a case of there isn't enough money coming into the house and it's gone on day to day 'getting by'?

30K is massive. How long did it take him to build up that debt? How much of it is cash withdrawals?

Another who has been in same situation and it turned out to be gambling.

As others have said, do not bail him out!

I did with my Ex two times. Both times similar amounts to what you've mentioned. It was when I caught him lying about a loan he was taking out I realised our marriage was over.

I know look back and regret the 60k+ I supported him to pay via remortgage and inheritance that was mine.

He may not know exactly where the money has gone, I didn’t
No designer handbags, shoes etc just the odd £100 here and there over a few years and then huge amounts of interest and even taking cash out to put in our bank account if a bit skint
I am not saying he isn’t gambling etc but people who say he MUST be are wrong