Husbands secret debt

[Beckixox]

Apologies in advance for the long thread.

So I have a major problem, Ive found out that my husband has got himself in to a lot of debt through various credit cards and loans. I was already going to meet my mum, I couldn’t look at him let alone talk to him so went with the boys to meet my mum. I told her everything. When we got back to hers and having a cup of tea, my FIL rings and says how depressed his son is and that he thinks he’s “going to top himself” and that he’s “worried about HIS son” He then said don’t tell him I’ve rung. he wouldn’t do that, he’s just shitting himself because he has been found out.
I went to work the next day, just before leaving he remembered about another £5k on a card and while I was at work another £800 was remembered. I do genuinely think he had forgotten about it as his head was everywhere but not making excuses for him.

He’s been going to his parents house every day since then and have since said that he did it with the “best intentions”
I threw the book at him and said they are enabling you and you didn’t do it with the best intentions as you have nothing to show for it, it has literally been spent on nothing.

I found out because I was sorting though what outgoings we had to get a bigger mortgage. We have separate bank accounts and all bills etc come out of mine so that’s why I had no idea about it all. My parents have offered to help us as much as they can and we are meeting with them to help us look at everything to see what the best options are. His dad has quite serious health issues to the point where he is bed bound at the moment.
I want my marriage to work through this and I’ve told my husband that all the debt needs to be sorted before we can work on us and that it’s going to be a long road and I can’t guarantee the outcome. He’s terrified of losing his family

AIBU to tell his parents exactly what’s going on and that this could cost us the marriage

AIBU to not talk to them at all.

AIBU to leave the family home to make him realise that I’m serious.

Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

I’d be worried that he didn’t tell you, you found out about it by digging into the finances. When was he going to tell you?
I could forgive some of it, but the when was he going to actually sort the mess out and/or tell you about it.

I’d definitely be thinking about leaving him, but would wait and see how and if he proactively sorts out this mess or if you have to do it. I just wouldn’t want a husband that I’d have to treat as a child with money, or have no trust with. It would ruin the relationship.

@blanchmange50

a few years ago I accrued alot of debt, more than your DH. I hid it from my OH, I thought I could manage it and tried to move it around, ended up paying lots of interest on credit cards, got a loan to try and pay it off and couldnt get enough to pay it all off. So it ended up in a mess where I was paying alot of interest. I wasnt a drug addict, or a gambler, I accrued debt over a peroid of time spending more than I earned and got into a mess trying to sort it out.

I had to open up to my OH, he was devastated, however we came up with a plan, paid it all off, we set up experian so he checks that, he has access to my bank account. I dont have a credit card and I havent got into that mess again. On looking back I should have spoken to my OH and not let it spiral, If your to move forward he needs to be absolutely transparent and honest

Goodness, he sounds incredibly supportive and forgiving. Did he pay off some of the debt too? Or just help you to do so as it was accumulated by you?