To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

[Youhavetobejoking]

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

You're working and busy - just because you're able to work from home does not mean that your time is freely available to look after nieces and nephews when your siblings can't be arsed to take care of their own children.
Compile a list of childcare agencies for your siblings, and buy your mum a self help book about assertiveness.

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.

Think up a bank of reasons why you can’t do emergency childcare so when you get the call, you’re ready with how you can say no.

Just say no then. I’m not getting the vibe they have done much babysitting for you.

Nip it in the bud now. What have they actually said?

I don't see why they would assume you will look after their poorly children or why you are so terrified. Just say you are too busy to look after them. If your mum chooses to help out I don't think you can stop her though

Obviously you don’t have to help out but in a true emergency, it seems pretty harsh, especially given the effects of the pandemic.
Unless there is a history of problematic relationships, I can’t see why someone wouldn’t help care for a niece or nephew in an urgent situation, if they could.

I don't think you should feel obliged to help with childcare just because they are your family. Are you that close? Would your siblings help you out? Do you think it would be genuine emergencies or would they take the piss?

Whatever the situation, if you can't /don't want to help out then have a response ready.

I wouldn’t wait for a request tbh. Why can’t you respond directly to these heavy hints and tell them clearly that you won’t be able to provide childcare and that they need to have some alternative arrangements in place?

Probably not the best time of night to be posting this considering some of the bitchy responses. No, you are not being selfish. Your life is your own. You and your husband have carved out a lifestyle that supports you both, at the detriment of both - him having to work long hours and you having to sacrifice a career in order to keep the household running.

I would sympathise with a sibling having childcare issues, and wouldn’t be resentful of parents stepping in to help - that is their choice as much as supporting your family yourself was your choice. But I wouldn’t step up to help if it would mean already burdening myself at a time of stress (and it sounds like you are stressed).

Pretty sure that if needs arose then they could take emergency parental leave and my support would be limited at pointing them towards various online resources with that information.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP. I would struggle with 4 kids and a largely absent DH.

Now is the time to establish some boundaries. If you’re hearing hints, you can make it clear where you stand. If your nieces/nephews are off school because they might have Covid, you shouldn’t have them potentially infecting your family. Neither should they be with relatives who are elderly/vulnerable. Ultimately though it’s for your parents to decide what risks to take.

YABU

Within that entire stealth boasting prose wall of text, I see no actual explanation as to why you think anyone would expect you to look after your nephews/nieces.

Have they even asked you? Why are you suddenly concerned they will? If you're busy then you're busy and that is reason enough to say no if they do ask you.

My sister is WFH for the foreseeable future but I would never assume she would be free to be childcare except in a truly dire emergency where none out of me, ExDH, my parents or ExPILs were able to look after DD.

If there's a phone call re pick up due to symptoms then surely the only people picking up should be members of their immediate family household anyway in case they are positive.

It’s all very well people saying you’re selfish or that you should help out in an urgent situation but the “helping out“ could be two week stints with one or more extra dc and the “urgent situation” may come up on repeat! It’s quite different to a one off favour and potentially sets you up as their childcare fall back for quite some time.

The word you are looking for is no.

I would help in a true emergency, but school closures And extra absences are not an emergency or surprise this year, they are going to happen. If you can’t be their plan a, then you can’t. Thankfully our family seems to get this because I know they are making arrangements for paid care for when their kids can’t be in school. I can just handle wfh and my own child doing remote learning, there is no way I can do both with more children.

If selfish is putting your own family and health first then I’d accept that statement tbh. But there’s nothing selfish about what you’ve said of your life. You sound intimidated by your siblings which is sad. Now may be a good time to change that, I’d start preparing your responses now-
‘I can’t I’m afraid, that doesn’t work for me’ should suffice. Please try and avoid saying the word ‘sorry’, if you can.
I would be speaking to your parents though and stressing the importance of them keeping themselves safe - all their grandchildren will be exposed to a lot more people soon and they may be at risk of exposure to the virus through contact with them.

But no one has asked you to, have they? You feel like you should help so your mum doesn’t have to, but equally, don’t want to help. So all of this is just getting het up over nothing?

YANBU. And you are certainly NBU to not want to pick up other peoples kids from school for covid symptoms.

It’s not your fault if your parents aren’t prepared to stand up for themselves, don’t feel guilty that they would get asked next. It might help if you point out that they shouldn’t be doing it either and if they do you’ll be really disappointed because you won’t then be able to see them for 14 days.

If there are emergencies and they ask you, just tell them you’re really sorry but you have other stuff on that you can’t move (just as they do) and then say something along the lines of “DH does X, Y and Z when that happens here. Can [their spouse] not do something like that?” Then wish them well in finding a solution.

@AldiAisleofCrap

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.

Are you one of OP's siblings?

Because she's not being selfish at all. She is juggling 4 DCs of her own across 3 different schools and 1 still at home, and a DH who works crazy hours and is away from home working a lot. And she does work, just not as many hours as her siblings at the moment, but is planning to take on more when her own DCs are back in school. The fact that she works at home is irrelevant.

She doesn't have to be emergency childcare for her sibling's DCs as well.

Just say you can't do it, OP. Imagine trying to pick all your DCs up from the various schools with your ill nieces/nephews in tow as well, in between work assignments.

Just say no. And don't feel bad about it.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

It’s all very well people saying you’re selfish or that you should help out in an urgent situation but the “helping out“ could be two week stints with one or more extra dc and the “urgent situation” may come up on repeat! It’s quite different to a one off favour and potentially sets you up as their childcare fall back for quite some time.

Not only a two week stint, but a two week stint that will mean her own children can’t attend school

And I can't imagine any of your siblings would do the same for you by the sound of it.

OP,

I'm a bit confused reading your post.

You have given up FT because of 4 children and being up the walls managing them and a husband who works long hours .......

You now feel that because you have reduced your hours to try and manage your children...due to Covid you will now be the go to person in the family to be their "Covid Covid Emergency care".... hell NO.

I think this is just another CF situation.

You sound very very stressed.
You did not reduce your hours to become Emergency Care for the family.

Say NO or suck it up.
This is not in your best interests.

No is a complete sentence.