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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

179 replies

Youhavetobejoking · 28/08/2020 23:25

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

OP posts:

Tristatearea · 29/08/2020 08:24

I’d invent a wfh job pronto.

WaltzfortheMars · 29/08/2020 08:27

I don't get your stress, why are they hinting you? You have 4 children, you have a very valid reason not to look after siblings' children who may potentially be ill with covid, so not to spread to your household.
If your parents choose to, it's their choice. Though if they are pressured into it against their will, I would talk to them and try to help defend them.

Crawlbee · 29/08/2020 08:28

Just say no if they ask, its ridiculous to pick them up if they're in a bubble with someone who has tested positive or they have symptoms anyway when they don't live in your household.

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/08/2020 08:31

You don’t need to justify why you aren’t doing it - just say no. You have no obligation to provide childcare for anyone, and having worked round your own children I can understand not wanting to do it now for others.

There’s nothing at all selfish about setting boundaries.

NotSorry · 29/08/2020 08:41

I’m glad there are people on here standing up for the OP because quite frankly some of the responses are appalling. OP I’m not going to add anything as there is some good advice here already if you can sort the wheat from the chaff.

Dartsplayer · 29/08/2020 08:41

@DrMadelineMaxwell

If there's a phone call re pick up due to symptoms then surely the only people picking up should be members of their immediate family household anyway in case they are positive.

^^ This.

Surely if they are being sent home with Covid symptoms only the family should pick them up and then they will all need to to self-isolate.

NotSorry · 29/08/2020 08:44

@StyleandBeautyfail

It’s possible that the schools are not that far apart when OP says 3 schools - at one time I had 1 in infants, 2 in juniors and 1 in seniors, all in the same town but all going in and coming out different times.

Not being critical of you, just explaining when you have 4 children it is very easy to be in this situation. I thought you wrote a great post.

JenniferSantoro · 29/08/2020 08:47

@ILoveFood87 such empathy!
OP it sounds like you’re run absolutely ragged with caring for your own family, never mind filling a gap for your nieces and nephews.
At the end of the day it’s for you to decide what support you’re happy to provide. Your own family of husband, kids and yourself have to come first. I don’t see why anyone should call you selfish and it shouldn’t be assumed that you’ll care for other people’s children.

TweeBree · 29/08/2020 08:48

Don't do it if you don't want to. But at the same time, we are in extraordinary circumstances, so I would take it case-by-case.

TorkTorkBam · 29/08/2020 08:52

Your anxiety is through the roof.

You are probably right that you might benefit from medication in the short term.

You obviously take on too much, can't say no and put everyone else before yourself so they all get a lovely standard of living. The panic and overwhelm jumps out from your post

I think you would benefit from counselling to get yourself on an even keel.

WaltzfortheMars · 29/08/2020 08:55

@Haenow, in true case of emergency, it's parents' responsibility to look after their own children in this situation. Why would anyone want to spread the virus to other household, especially with school age kids?

cologne4711 · 29/08/2020 08:55

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish

Why is it selfish not to want to look after other peoples' kids? Doesn't matter if they are a relative's, they're still not yours. Admittedly the OP has four of her own, so she obviously likes them. But that doesn't mean she wants other peoples, and working in your own business is work, it doesn't mean you are available for childcare.

Ginfordinner · 29/08/2020 08:57

I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets.

Apart from your husband’s job the rest is a lifestyle that you chose. Sorry, but you chose to have four children and pets.

TheShepherdsCrown · 29/08/2020 09:03

@Ginfordinner

Apart from your husband’s job the rest is a lifestyle that you chose. Sorry, but you chose to have four children and pets.

Same could be said for her siblings then. Their children. Their choice.

Jeremyironsnothing · 29/08/2020 09:04

Absolutely no to picking up. The children are being sent home to isolate because they have had symptoms or are in a bubble that has covid. No way would I be bringing that into my own family and exposing them, and by default everyone they come into contact at school etc. That's how the virus spreads.

Redlocks28 · 29/08/2020 09:05

Is anyone else feeling like this?

No, but I just wouldn’t do it.

What have they actually said?

If you can’t say no, you’re going to get stuck doing it-you need to make decision about which is harder.

WaltzfortheMars · 29/08/2020 09:05

I don't get your point, Ginfordinner. She doesn't want to look after other people's children, her life style doesn't matter. I assume she has written about her lifestyle to make it clear it's already full on. But even if she didn't it doesn't make any difference. I have only one child, but I would decline looking after sick children in this situation. Why would anyone want to risk your own children/family in this uncertainty? Am I selfish? So be it.

CatteStreet · 29/08/2020 09:08

I don't read Ginfordinner as meaning that means she needs to take on the siblings' childcare. Rather I read her as saying the OP is not a victim of circumstance, as her OP might suggest she feels she is.

Beautiful3 · 29/08/2020 09:10

Just say I cant do it, sorry. If your mum does it then that's on her, she's an adult. I'm sure she ll do it a few times before turning them down

Ginfordinner · 29/08/2020 09:13

Yes, that's what I meant CatteStreet. I read the OP as complaining about how hard her life was.

However, I agree that she shouldn't be expected to be emergency childcare for her siblings.

allfalldown47 · 29/08/2020 09:15

@alljustamoopoint dramatic? The poor op has a dh who works 90+ hrs a week, has clearly stated she's struggling mentally and has 4 kids to look after and that's the best you can offer? Bet your friends actively avoid you when they're looking for support!

I'm actually staggered at some of the responses on here. Nasty and unsupportive sums it up, please ignore them op, it's shit that you've come here for help and got so many crappy replies.

It's simple really, if anyone has a child at home with covid symptoms, you can't care for them anyway. The whole point is the child's entire family needs to self isolate until they have been tested. Just politely but firmly say it repeatedly!

MinaMurray · 29/08/2020 09:18

Really, if kids have to be picked up from school because they have Covid symptoms, then it should be someone in their household picking them up.
If your nephew / niece did have Covid and you picked them up, you’d have just exposed yourself, and potentially the rest of your family too.

It’s a different scenario to an emergency where you’re picking them up because your siblings had an accident or even just a badly timed car breakdown.

I think you need to nip any hinting in the bud though. Tell them you won’t be able to be an emergency contact because you’ll be too busy working from home / doing xyz / aren’t prepared to expose your DC to Covid.

WaltzfortheMars · 29/08/2020 09:19

Why would you read that from this post? She wasn't complaining how hard her life is, she just explained her life is already busy enough without taking on other people's children. Totally understandable from how MN recently is, people judge others and shoot them down without any logic.
Of course she didn't to need to explain her situation, but I can understand why she did.

Sparticuscaticus · 29/08/2020 09:21

What emergency are you anticipating they will ask you to help out on?

If it's because they are sent home from school because someone in their bubble had covid19 symptoms (or they have symptoms) then neither you nor your DM can provide them childcare, as they would have to self isolate at home! With their own parents that they live with.

Also, has their schools said they will have shorter hours due to Covid restrictions? Surely you will be commuting to / from other schools twice a day and unavailable to help having to drive an already full car with 5 people (you + 4DC) which won't fit more in it? If your mum chooses to help out in that type of childcare, then that's her call.

Redwinestillfine · 29/08/2020 09:23

Get out ahead of this op. Call them and complain about the amount you have to do and how tired you are etc. Thhey shouldn't ask then and if they do just refer them back to the previous conversation!

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