To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

[Youhavetobejoking]

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

I think there is such an easy 'out' to this - as many PP have pointed out, nobody except someone in the same household should be picking up a child showing Covid symptoms - that it does seem to me as if the OP is trying to articulate something else, something about the state of her life in general - and projecting it onto the siblings as that is easier than looking at the issues with her dh.

OP, you are clearly invested in the lifestyle and division of labour created by your dh's work, while struggling with it at the same time. I am wondering whether the loss of (most of) your own work identity as separate from his business has been a sort of tipping point? You're wondering if this is what you wanted, yet feel the family set-up demands you plough on with it?

if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.

I wouldn’t do it OP. I don’t mind helping out in an emergency which happens once in a blue moon (talking about non-Covid times here) but I’d never make looking after somebody else’s children a permanent or even semi permanent arrangement. My view always has been that it’s my responsibility to manage my own and family’s life not anybody else’s. You can’t have it all. You’ve sacrificed your own work to make YOUR family’s life easier not anybody else’s.

All the nasty pieces of work came out for this thread.

Op, next time someone hints about childcare, just tell them you are just about coping with your own responsibilities and can't take on any more. It's the truth, and it's not selfish.

Your mother will have to figure out how to manage it herself, maybe you can help her with that.

Your siblings will sort something out, everyone else has to

"Hey sis I just got a call from child's school saying she has a high temp and have to bring her home ..."
"Oh no you all have to self isolate then, so sorry for you."
End of conversation unless you WANT to offer to get shopping when they run out of something.

100% don’t take on childminding, or any other tasks, OP.

Separately from that, I’m worried about the way you and DH are living. His workload may kill him, and you are exhausting yourself to back him up. Can you not rethink? Find a way to cut your expenses and get DH to work more sensible hours and have a life with you and DC?

I know it’s hard work setting up a new business venture. In the past I have worked crazy hours to get things established, always thinking We’re nearly there. But there’s always more to do, and I worked till I dropped. Really not worth it.

And in your case with children — they’ll be teenagers and leaving home before you know it. You and DH will have spent their childhood in a fog of exhaustion and DH will have hardly seen them.

I hope you and DH can sort this out for you all to enjoy a less stressful life.

So they are expecting you to not be able to work so that they can go to work. As said above, say that something big has come up at work and you will both be working all the hours. (Before they ask)

I think we are often expected to be "avaliable" to our siblings/friends whoever just because we are "at home".Surely if they showed signs of Covid though they would be putting you and your DC at risk? Maybe mention to your family that you would not be able to provide any sort of cover in these circumstances ? Same goes for illness as well .I would maybe say yes to an inset day or two cover, if you can but nothing more .Its not up to you to provide cover for everyone else .

I voted yabu because your household work life balanceis ridiculous (though it looks as though you have wisely taken some action to stop thongs getting worse) You are making life harder for yourself by getting angry about things that haven't even happened, but you think they might. Take some deep breaths and try to deal with one day at a time for now.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time OP. I would struggle with 4 kids and a largely absent DH.

Me neither. OP is largely parenting 4 kids alone. I do that with one and I’m often tearing my hair out. Are PP minimising “woman’s work”?

I think the majority of nasty comments are from people who are going to be in the same boat as your siblings and are panicking a bit, perhaps banking on their own family as yours are with you.

First off you have a lot on your plate and you mention needing AD's so I would suggest you sort that as soon as.

Corona is enough of a reason to say no. As said upthread if you have a potentially infected person enter your bubble you shouldn't be sending your dc to school otherwise you risk their class having to isolate. And if with track and trace it comes back to you, you could be liable.

If your mum takes them that's up to her but I would have words with the sibling about endangering their mums health.

As it stands no one has asked so you can't outright say no but drop some hints back about how busy you will be and how stressful you find the whole school run shuffle.

Say no and stick to your guns, it is not unreasonable as you are crazy busy and believe in yourself. As a lot of people say if it's to do with covid you shouldn't be mixing with them anyway! It's not your responsibility just because you work less hours than your siblings and maybe appear more well off.
I think some people are being a bit mean here, and I don't think your stealth boasting, even if you are better off than some people your are still allowed to be stressed!
And I'm not rich myself,but wish you good luck

So much for MN being a site for parents to support each other.

What a load of bitches on here. Not surprisingly, the OP hasn't returned - I hope she can at least take on board the supportive and constructive posts.

Have they asked you? No apparently. Sounds like you feel guilty for having a relatively easy life so are formulating excuses as to why you can't help out your siblings in emergency. Have they asked you to be on the school contact form (schools insist you have an additional contact beyond the parents) it doesn't mean you will be called. We don't know what the next few months will bring but if it's a case of unless your sibling gets childcare help they will loose their job, wouldn't you help? Yes 4 kids = lots of work but those clubs etc won't be running if there's an outbreak. You don't need to justify being a stay at home mum by claiming you are oh so busy. Just say we chose this if your siblings give you grief

So tell them you're sure they can work plans out with their spouses, the same way you do.

You can hardly allow a potentially infected child into your household, to send you all into isolation.

Relatively easy life
Did you read the same op as me?

She's struggling both with the physical work load and her mental health. Yes she's made some changes to make her life easier but she's given up a job she enjoyed to do so.

@D4rwin

"Hey sis I just got a call from child's school saying she has a high temp and have to bring her home ..." "Oh no you all have to self isolate then, so sorry for you." End of conversation unless you WANT to offer to get shopping when they run out of something.

Exactly

OP, ignore the haters above, you have triggered the bitchiness by having a life they would kill to have - husband, house.. Pity them, but ignore them, envy makes people so bitter.

You are not selfish and you are not responsible for your parents. If they accept to provide free childcare, there's nothing you can do. You should be asking them for help too, it will end up with a lot of resentment if your siblings get all the help and you get none.

If you can't physically juggle more kids and work, you can't, you are not selfish. If your siblings were to ask for help, what childcare would they give you in return?

Apart from your husband’s job the rest is a lifestyle that you chose. Sorry, but you chose to have four children and pets.

So what? OP hasn't come on here for sympathy about that, but merely for a view as to whether she should take on yet more. People really should take the trouble to read posts properly before leaping in with criticism, otherwise it does rather make them appear both dim and gratuitously unpleasant.

It's not the first thread where a poster clearly writing they are struggling and upset are being called "smug for having an easy life"

Either some posters are just nasty for the sake of it, or they haven't learn to read. I am guessing both.

Next time they hint you really should take the opportunity to address it.
I hope you have that sorted by the time they go back. Obviously I won't be able to take that on.

Something along those lines.

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish
Wtf! Op you are not being selfish wanting to prioritise your own dc and life. You have given up your work to make your life less stressful and to make it easier when you have childcare/illness issues in your family. This does not mean you become the go to for others childcare and illness issues. If they want an easy option for childcare problems, they need to give up work too.

I’m a childminder. One of my families, I rarely see the dad as he has a ‘very important job‘ that means dropping his child of is not his responsibility. He asked me once if I could have one of his employees children as they were poorly and couldn’t go to school. When I replied that I don’t childmind for poorly children he said he didn’t know that, what happened when his own dc were poorly? Where did his children go When Ill and he would then give them a call and see if they could have the employees child I honestly didn’t know what to say!
Some people have no idea, especially now. If your extended family have covid symptoms, there is no way you want them in your house and in no way does this make you selfish or unkind.

I see the 'eat the rich' mob are out in force.

[quote WaltzfortheMars]@Haenow, in true case of emergency, it's parents' responsibility to look after their own children in this situation. Why would anyone want to spread the virus to other household, especially with school age kids?[/quote]
@WaltzfortheMars

I was kind of imagining a totally horrendous (but unlikely) scenario of parents being injured and unable to collect the kids. Not on the same level as picking up a niece/nephew who has a temp.

I think UABU to think your siblings will expect you to cover for them regarding their children's requirements but if they do -TABU. They must make their own arrangements which is not you or your mother. Perhaps only in an emergency though.

If their child has covid symptoms, the parents can look after them as they also need to isolate and can't go to work.
If it's that a bubble has an infected child, then the rest of the household don't need to isolate, but they shouldn't send the child to different households in case they are infected.

I think you can use the government guidelines to refuse if you wish to