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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

179 replies

Youhavetobejoking · 28/08/2020 23:25

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

OP posts:
rorosemary · 29/08/2020 05:57

Don't pick up the phone to them during the day.

If you do invent an important work meeting so can't help.

Frazzled13 · 29/08/2020 06:30

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.

I don't see how it's selfish to not want to pick up and bring home a child with covid symptoms. Im pretty relaxed about the virus but this could mean you (plus your kids if they have any contact with their cousin) having to isolate for two weeks. I wouldn't want my kids potentially off school for two weeks because my sibling cba to pick up their child. And I would never expect anyone else to pick up my child if they had symptoms.

FippertyGibbett · 29/08/2020 06:33

You come across as being very wound up about something that might not happen.
Why on earth would you even consider picking up a child that has symptoms and bring them into your family ? Say NO.
And so should your parents.
Screen your phone calls and have a list of excuses if you can’t simply say no, but lies often catch up with you so it’s best to be upfront.

bakedoff · 29/08/2020 06:49

I’m struggling with 2 kids at home in this current situation so 4 must be chaos! Why don’t you massage the truth. Invent a job. Why have you told them you’re not working? They don’t need to know. You are now employed by your husbands business. You are full time accountant working 9.30 to 6 and your kids are fitting in around that. When they say “can you help out” say “sorry I’m working today” when they say “what do you mean working” you say “I’m the businesses accountant full time and I’ve got deadlines this week” they don’t need to be told everything and how you spend your free time is none of their business

alljustamoopoint · 29/08/2020 07:06

It’s a bit dramatic OP.

ItalianHat · 29/08/2020 07:19

You sound really stressed, and you're stringing things together and anticipating catastrphe.

Don't borrow trouble from the future!

But maybe you need to take some breaths. Leave the house for a day - your DH can parent his children for once - and try to disentangle that jumble of stress that you just braindumped in your post.

Can you work out what makes you mentally claustrophobic & need medication? I'd be starting with your DH, but that might be the mountain ...

And just say No to your siblings. You're working even if you're at home.

And breathe.

BillywilliamV · 29/08/2020 07:28

If I was at home and someone asked me to look after their children in an emergency, I would do it in a heartbeat.
In an emergency!!

Sometimeswinning · 29/08/2020 07:28

You could be at home all the time with no demands on your life it still wouldn't be acceptable to expect you to help with someone else's childcare. Not really an issue them dropping hints either, you just have to say you're too busy and nip it in the bud!

skodadoda · 29/08/2020 07:29

Surely having 4 DCs you don’t have room in your car for any more. That should be enough for the to say no. I can’t believe the bitchy comments calling OP selfish.

Longwhiskers14 · 29/08/2020 07:29

@AldiAisleofCrap

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.
How is she being selfish? If the kids are sent home from quarantine, she can't possibly look after them because she could be putting herself and her own family at risk!
CatteStreet · 29/08/2020 07:33

@SD1978

Fair enough you don't want to- but I'm confused- you said your husband will WFH and do nugget all to help, leaving it all to you, so pointless really- and yet you feel that siblings/in-laws husbands should also take a day off and be useless at hone o stead of asking you? You don't want to- you say no. No one has actually asked you yet, you've decided it's implied. Wait for a situation before you get stressed about something that hasn't happened, and maybe get a bit more support from your own husband- seems utterly lacking.
This. He really doesn't 'go out of his way' to have them at home when they're sick if he does no actual looking after them. And you seem to be struggling with the burden on you as it is, but projecting it all onto an as yet imaginary demand you look after your siblings' children while plunging on determinedly with making your life still more subject to your dh's work.

I don't think the problem is your siblings.

user1487194234 · 29/08/2020 07:41

Your call but personally i would help out with childcare for my nieces and nephews when I could

user1471538283 · 29/08/2020 07:47

You do not do this. Your health already sounds fragile and if you take on more you will become sick. What about your children then? It makes me so cross that people think working from home isn't working and you can just drop it for them. I've asked favours in a true emergency but I've never relied on anyone to parent my child.

AuntieStella · 29/08/2020 07:50

I would always help if I could.

But that might mean 'outside my working hours' and would definitely mean 'not if your DC is unwell, sent home with symptoms or has had a Covid contact'

BrutusMcDogface · 29/08/2020 07:52

Goodness me, there are some bitter people here! How was the op a “stealth boast”? If anything, I felt stressed just reading it!

Op- just say no!

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 29/08/2020 08:03

Please ignore rude comments, OP. You and DH are overworked already so you shouldn’t take on the extra task of unplanned childminding. Give yourself a break.
Brew

Reallybadidea · 29/08/2020 08:04

YANBU OP and there are some pretty nasty posts on this thread, prompted by envy at what they suspect is a high-income household, I would guess.

What stands out to me is that this lifestyle doesn't seem to be working for you OP. Sounds as though reducing your hours at work is an attempt to reduce your stress levels, but it seems to me that the lack of support from your DH is the cause of a lot of this. You sound really unhappy. Is he?

Nottherealslimshady · 29/08/2020 08:08

You're busy, just say no.

NoGinNotComingIn · 29/08/2020 08:08

Just say no.

Your husband sounds like he's driving himself to an early grave, I do hope the big house is worth missing out on his kids for. Doesn't sound healthy, everyone needs to earn money to live but this just sounds extreme. How can you work 13 hours a day, 7 days a week without a day off? I'd find it pointless having a husband that's never there and has 0 input anyway.

KarenFitzkaren · 29/08/2020 08:13

You sound very stressed. This time is for you. Just tell your siblings that you can't be the go to for child care.

Viviennemary · 29/08/2020 08:14

So you're at home while your DH works a 90 hour week. And are thinking about how put upon you are. Yes I'd call that selfish.

D4rwin · 29/08/2020 08:14

Time to discuss with your DH an equitable split on responsibilities vs free time around work, the home and children. Have an idea of what to happen IF a return to home schooling or lockdown becomes necessary. Once you've got all that squared and agreed then the two of you will hopefully be united in a ' No' or a 'we can collect child x but aren't free after 6'. Also laugh more. If people are hinting don't miss a chance to dismiss the notion as an absolute joke. Make it clear you have no free time.

StyleandBeautyfail · 29/08/2020 08:18

@HoppingPavlova

To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

Another who does not get the whole hinting and resentment deal. Seriously, how hard is it to just say ‘are you asking me to provide emergency childcare from now on, as that won’t be possible, thank goodness the weather has picked up, never a fan of constant rain’. How is it easier on your time and stress levels to just stand there, mull it over, worry about it, jump on an Internet forum and write a large post and then read the replies and still have to deal with the situation?

Im reading between the lines that OP takes on far too much and cant say no to.peole. I meant this kindly OP, you sound overwhelmed and catastrophising a bit. I think you need to look at your life and try to dial things back a bit. Why are your DC all a different schools? Thats insane. Are you seriously running from school to school 3 x am and pm? Can the eldest get public transport? I think you need to see your GP and really look at your lifestyle as its not really sustainable . None of what you posted has any relevence to this situation with your sibling. You wont be providing emergency CC as it would then put your family at risk. Done , sorted, no discussion
iMatter · 29/08/2020 08:18

Don't pick up someone else's kid from school with Covid symptoms ffs. That just beyond stupid and a very easy "no".

FlySheMust · 29/08/2020 08:23

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time, OP.

A one-off real emergency is one thing a week long emergency needs to be sorted by the parents.