To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

[Youhavetobejoking]

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

Just say you have your own kids to juggle. Not advisable since Covid too many households mixing together.

Emergency childcare may be different things to different people so the hinting may not be as bad as you are imagining and the only way of finding out is to talk

Them expecting you to have the kids if they are off with suspected infectious diseases (be that covid, chickenpox or any other condition)- absolutely within your rights to say no sorry I can't (and they are CF to ask)

Them ringing (handsfree) while on the way to pick niece up from one of the same schools that your child is at to say 'there's been a multicar pileup and I'm not going to get there on time can you pick up up and take her to yours and I'll pick her up as soon as the traffic starts moving' to say no to that (without a good reason) is selfish (and I'd do that for any parent at the school)

Them hinting around emergency childcare may be a case of they are thinking the second while the OP is thinking the first

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

You're working and busy - just because you're able to work from home does not mean that your time is freely available to look after nieces and nephews when your siblings can't be arsed to take care of their own children. Compile a list of childcare agencies for your siblings, and buy your mum a self help book about assertiveness.

^^ - this is spot on.

Thx to all who replied. Stealth boast??? Seriously???
One sibling in particular is already scornful of me quitting & wondering what I'm doing with 'all my free time'....this past week I've already been asked on 3 separate occasions by 2 diff siblings to help out.
Other sibling re-evaluated childcare & decided to decline a place, & work childcare around herself & her DP. Now that the school calendar has been finalised, she needs help for at least the next 4 weeks...
Thx for the supportive answers. I hate not being assertive, but I have a tendency to be a bit door-mattish; not a stealth boast or anything I'm proud of BTW). I clearly need to grow a set & establish some boundaries.

Cattestreet.....you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I am mourning losing my own identity. I realise this & hate it. Already feel selfish for feeling this way. And then annoyed that it's taken as a given that I'll gap fill for everyone else....

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.

Utter rubbish! Why do so many people think that the world owes them a living if they choose to have children? The selfish ones here would be the siblings who are after free child care rather than accepting their responsibilities.

You know you are being selfish

So? Choosing to prioritise her mental and physical health and her own family is fine. You put on your own oxygen mask before fitting other people's.

Absolutely sick of seeing the word 'selfish' (as if that's the worst human failing imaginable), along with exhortations always to be polite, be kind, and 'just be nice', used to police the behaviour of women.

Another vote for 'no'.

I don’t think OP is being selfish at all. She’s being realistic.

She has her own family to care for with what sounds like none or atleast very little help. If she gets ill her family will suffer. It’s not selfish to prioritise your own children.

Fuck them. Ignore the hints and if/when they ask say 'Not possible.'

But I'm a bit at 'DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided).'
So he ISN'T 'good' at it then, is he?

Now that the school calendar has been finalised, she needs help for at least the next 4 weeks...

Which is wholly her problem given she re-evaluated her childcare - she took a calculated risk (or possibly assumed you’d step in), she will need to worn out cover for the next t four weeks - her children, her problem.

I suggest you print out a sheet of planned responses to whatever they ask in whatever circumstances, and stick it inside a kitchen cupboard. Then you'll never be stuck for excuses and convincing refusals.

Remember: You are NOT being selfish.

Your siblings have had months to realise they need to plan carefully this year, and you don't have to be the plan.

You're allowed to say no, without guilt and without explanation. It just doesn't work for you.

As someone who gives and receives a lot of sibling help, I do not feel you are being unreasonable at all.
You have a lot on your plate and can't afford to add to it.

Just tell them you don't have spare time as you gave up your job to help DH with his business.

End of.

If in doubt, go for the Mumsnet classic - sorry, that doesn't work for us!

I dont understand surely if your siblings children have symptoms they need to isolate as a household so childcare wouldn't be an issue

As an aside, your siblings don't get to put their children on you because their job won't be flexible.

If you're too busy, you're too busy.

If you don't want more kids in your bubble, you don't want more kids in your bubble.

Just. Say. NO!

Utter rubbish! Why do so many people think that the world owes them a living if they choose to have children? The selfish ones here would be the siblings who are after free child care rather than accepting their responsibilities

Indeed. Like all the people who moan on here about uninterested grandparents. I like my son but I chose to have one child for a reason. I wouldn't be impressed if he later had four kids and expected me to look after them. The odd occasion for a special meal out or emergency pick up from school, yes. Routine no.

Just tell them you don't have spare time as you gave up your job to help DH with his business And this - working on your own business is a full time job.

I feel for you Op. YOu've made your own arrangments to cope and deal with your own situation, and they're making unreasonable assumptions about your availability.

I'm sure you'd help out in a true emergency, but to expect you to pick up their slack is CF behaviour. As someone has already said, be very clear to them about not being available at their beck and call. They need to have their own Plan B - one that doesn't include you.

If they ask and you can’t or don’t want to, just say no. If they huff, leave them too it. Don’t think about it anymore and stop stressing. If they don’t outright ask and keep hinting then just ignore the hints.

wondering what I'm doing with 'all my free time'
I would respond 'do you resent the amount of free time I have and if so why?'
Dont let them get away with hinting/implying/gaslighting, ask directly (but calmly and politely b/c you catch more flies with honey:) )
'what do you mean by that'

just ignore the hints
^ or do that if you prefer/find it more interesting:)

Sounds to me like you are concerned because you are about to reach a time in your life whereby you can restore some order and, for the first time in quite a while, snatch a tiny bit of precious alone time. You don’t need to feel guilty for saying no - you’ve endured a long and stressful period of busyness and chaos before you and your DH decided that you should take some time out to organise your family and admin; that in itself is a full time job.

As for some posters telling you you’re selfish for not helping out in an ‘emergency’, children being sent home or being off sick will unlikely be frowned upon by employers in the way it was 6 months ago - due to any symptoms linked to Covid resulting in children having to stay at home until symptoms pass.

Why on earth should you be expected to look after someone else’s children when they might have Covid symptoms?!
I wouldn’t be putting my children/household at risk no matter who they were.

@Youhavetobejoking

When schools go back.... I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??). I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

How can you be the emergency pick-up? If they've got symptoms you'll have to go into isolation. How's that going to work? Bad enough if it's your own children. Can't do it for others!