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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

179 replies

Youhavetobejoking · 28/08/2020 23:25

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/08/2020 00:14

Just say no if you can't do it. If your parents can do it...let them and get on with what you need to.

netflixismysidehustle · 29/08/2020 00:14

Tell them now rather than later so they can have alternative help

MsEllany · 29/08/2020 00:18

@AldiAisleofCrap

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.
It's not selfish, don't be ridiculous.

OP you're too busy to do childcare or homeschool nieces and nephews. Make sure you're not on the list for the school to call and tell your siblings under no circumstances can you support.

Having said, that your mega-OP can be boiled down to 'how do I tell my sibs I won't be childcare for them?' And the way you tell them is that you are too busy ferrying kids about and working in your husband's business.

Rachellow · 29/08/2020 00:21

People are being weirdly bitchy. I think it's cheeky if your siblings just expect you to do regular childcare including pickups. If I were you, I think in that situation, siblings can drop off kids but they'll need to be prepared that kids will just have to come in the car with you and you don't have time to be entertaining them. It's not fair to expect you to pick up children with suspected COVID and expose your little family. I know it's difficult but be prepared with "sorry that doesn't suit" etc. Also if your work hours aren't regular there's an easy excuse there.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/08/2020 00:25

You shouldn't be going anywhere near someone else's child, family or not, if they get a phone call for possible COVID symptoms and need picking up from school or they need to self isolate as either a contact or the bubble bursts. They need to isolate with their family.

Terrace58 · 29/08/2020 00:29

Ask yourself this question, if they had a real emergency or dire situation, would you take a day off work even while your own children are in school/care? The answer is probably yes, because most people would answer yes. This is not that situation. This isn’t a car crash or a broken tooth or even brain surgery. Most of us would bend over backwards to help family through those times. That school isn’t available as childcare is entirely different.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 00:31

"sorry Sandra, I can't pick up Tarquin if there's suspected Corona in his bubble, as I'd then risk skidding it to Honey and Amber's schools"

"

jessstan2 · 29/08/2020 00:32

I would say occasionally is OK but not regularly. You're fully stretched as it is. Don't be resentful, there's no point in that; do what you can do and don't worry about what you can't.

ChloeCrocodile · 29/08/2020 00:47

Just say no. You are too busy, and running yourself in to the ground because your siblings have completely expected childcare issues. The potential for 14 days isolation for any one of us has been known for ages and it is known that it is quite probable that will happen to school children this year.

Your mum and dad are old enough to make their own decisions - you bear no responsibility if they choose to put themselves at risk to help out their other children.

timetest · 29/08/2020 00:49

Say no. Your siblings would be cfs to ask you.

amitoooldforthisshit · 29/08/2020 01:09

put your foot down and simply say no..its your problem you sort it

SD1978 · 29/08/2020 01:31

Fair enough you don't want to- but I'm confused- you said your husband will WFH and do nugget all to help, leaving it all to you, so pointless really- and yet you feel that siblings/in-laws husbands should also take a day off and be useless at hone o stead of asking you? You don't want to- you say no. No one has actually asked you yet, you've decided it's implied. Wait for a situation before you get stressed about something that hasn't happened, and maybe get a bit more support from your own husband- seems utterly lacking.

BlogTheBlogger · 29/08/2020 01:32

Sis can you pick up nephew as he has been sick
No

Sis can you pick up nephew as DH has been in an accident and I am rushing to the hospital?
Yes

HTH

Mothership4two · 29/08/2020 01:55

Have they even asked you? Why are you suddenly concerned they will?

But no one has asked you to, have they?

OP's title says siblings are hinting that they expect emergency childcare.

Personally I would hint back 'no' especially for Covid symptoms (and OP's mum shouldn't be putting herself at risk either)

tricky29 · 29/08/2020 02:04

Am really close to by DB,DSIL,DNS. Love them and vice versa. We make our own childcare arrangements re work.

I’m an emergency contact, would do anything in that situation. but wouldn’t be happy with what you describe. They wouldn’t ask that of me. And I wouldn’t ask it of them. Current issues mean we all have to make contingency plans.

They are being unreasonable. You mention that your mum wouldn’t mind...have you become the default mum in your family? I say that kindly, because I did for a bit, but I had to prioritise my own family. It wasn’t that bad x

Flamingoose · 29/08/2020 02:42

Am amazed that people are taking the time to be shitty to OP who is clearly really struggling right now.
OP - sometimes life gets on top of us. It sounds like you're finding things really hard at the moment. I hope that you find a way to make things more workable.

Definitely prepare cheerful but absolutely firm answers regarding childcare for others. You are NBU in the slightest.

NeverHadANickname · 29/08/2020 03:13

YANBU. I see no stealth boasting or reasons why people are calling you selfish. When they hint I would say that it won't be possible for you to have your nieces/nephews. Just because you won't be in work like usual doesn't mean you are not busy and especially with Covid19 they shoul not expect you to be involved.

MissMeowCat · 29/08/2020 03:56

Just say no- problem solved.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2020 04:00

YANBU
If you can’t have the conversation with your siblings, you could make out you are very far away from their dcs school when asked to collect. Or you could pretend you have picked up some temping work. Can your siblings track you on your phone?

The best thing of course would to tell them you can’t be that emergency care. They would be CF to expect it.

seayork2020 · 29/08/2020 04:13

I dont go with hinting, if someone wants me to do something they need to ask other wise I erase it from my brain and move on. If i am then asked I say yes or no.

It does not need to be a complicated issue

Frenchpastry · 29/08/2020 04:53

Of course you can say no and there's nothing unreasonable about that. What is unreasonable is judging your siblings for needing help in an emergency and them asking your Mum to help. She is also completely free to say no and that's her business to do so. You have the luxury of being able to give up work; not everyone does and they still have to take care of their children and households as well so occasionally they will need a bit of extra support to cover when an emergency comes up and many people do rely on family for that support. You are saying no which is absolutely your right to do so, but don't assume to speak for your Mum if she is saying yes. You haven't actually listed anything that I would think is unreasonable to ask for help for; It's not like they're asking for a babysitter so they can pop down the pub; it's if the children are sick etc and potentially, due to their jobs, they cannot just drop everything to get there; that's not uncommon. Surely you know this from when you used to work. You have done what you needed to do to try and make life easier for yourselves as a family but that doesn't give you the right to judge others who can't or won't give up work for then asking for some help. You're all adults, you're all free to say no if you want to but it's not unreasonable to ask for help.

HoppingPavlova · 29/08/2020 04:55

To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

Another who does not get the whole hinting and resentment deal. Seriously, how hard is it to just say ‘are you asking me to provide emergency childcare from now on, as that won’t be possible, thank goodness the weather has picked up, never a fan of constant rain’. How is it easier on your time and stress levels to just stand there, mull it over, worry about it, jump on an Internet forum and write a large post and then read the replies and still have to deal with the situation?

user1481840227 · 29/08/2020 04:58

It makes no sense for you to collect any of their children if they are suspected of having covid....

I'm not sure of the rules in the UK but would you then have to self isolate? Would your kids? and if not then how would they get to school and so on?

ConiferGate · 29/08/2020 05:17

I think you need to have a clear and simple response... remember... if you can, don’t explain, don’t complain and don’t explain and don’t apologise! If you threw this list of essentially complaints and explanations at them it would really open you up to judgement (as you’ve seen here!).

Tbh I think it’s maybe for your mum to step in too. She would be the best person to say just for now, we all need to make provision to look after and provide emergency care for our own kids until things get better. There are other ways you can help each other out that don’t involve having to pick up / look after etc, I think that has to be stressed right now. Make it simple and fair for all, that way your mum is safe and so are you.

I don’t know if there are guidelines on picking up sick kids, but if you picked one up who was later positive (and let’s assume your DC saw them eg in car too), you’d all have to isolate for 14 days as things stand. That’s not a sacrifice I’d be willing to make, even if not positive surely you’d have to isolate until tested?

It’s also ok to say look if I do it for you Sibling A, I will have to do it for B and C and however many else. and I can’t do this did everyone so I’m not doing it for anyone. Then it puts the emphasis back on fact they are ALL taking advantage if that’s what’s happening.

hibbledobble · 29/08/2020 05:35

What strikes me most from your post is that your DH does nothing around the house or with the children, even if they are sick (will WFH and do nothing according to you, that's rediculous).

I hear that he is working long hours, but most parents still play a role. In addition, can you not afford paid help, based on his earnings, if you are struggling?

Your siblings haven't asked for help, so it's a bit of a non issue. If there were an emergency I would hope that you would help, as that is a considerate thing to do.

It's a bit strange that you hint that they partners should do more, when yours does nothing.