To resent siblings hinting they'll expect me to provide emergency childcare

[Youhavetobejoking]

When schools go back....
I've recently given up work to support my DH in a new Business venture. And because our lives had become v stressful with a lot of important things left undone as neither of us had time. All planned to be done when kids finally go back to school. I do still work, but v little & can choose my hours, though I do intend to try to pick up more hours during school-time next month when kids go back. DH works 90+hrs/wk. No days off in since I honestly can't remember when (?Christmas Day??).
I have 4 DC at 3 diff schools, have broken my back to work around school for years to the detriment of my Career. I do everything at home, DH away weeks at a time occasionally, at least 1-2 days + nights weekly. Big house/garden/pets. I find it all tough going but get on with it & really rarely ask for help. DH v good at helping with WFH if kids sick (he basically is a body in the same house, though-no supervision or 'care' provided). We live in the country so I'm on the road a lot with school/hobbies & my youngest DC very dependant on me in many many ways. I do feel v claustrophobic & I do struggle a lot-could possibly do with ADs TBH. Am terrified of this next number of months. It's going to be difficult enough with my own DC in & out of school, but am feeling the weight of expectation to be the gap for my siblings' kids if there are school pick up phonecalls with Covid symptoms & if their working patterns don't suit new school hours.... I feel that my DH goes out of his way to have our kids here when necessary, but none of them seem to expect this from theirs & they ask my mum at the drop of a hat. Also, I feel that we should be sticking to rules of isolating for 14 days if kids' bubbles are impacted or if any of our kids have symptoms to protect the rest of us inc my parents. My mum would be the go to for this generally. If I say no, it'll fall to her, putting her & my dad at risk. Am I being really selfish??? I struggle to say no at the best of times, but because I really don't want to be free childcare it's stressing me out knowing the position I'm likely to be in. Instead of looking forward to my own kids going back I'm dreading it!! Is anyone else feeling like this?

You sound like you have a ton of stuff going on anyway - and even if you don't there is no obligation to look after other people's kids. Both DP and I have got through having twins which was hard at times as we both have careers and work a lot of hours but we had no help during school time (we are not near our families) and only had some help in the holidays for the odd week (obv we paid his DM for this) so we always used camps and clubs etc. You're not under any obligation just be ready to say no, and know what you're going to say if they push.

They could hint all they like; I wouldn't be doing it. You have enough on your plate; time to strike 'people-pleaser' from your CV.

sibling re-evaluated childcare & decided to decline a place, & work childcare around herself & her DP. Now that the school calendar has been finalised, she needs help for at least the next 4 weeks...

^^ her decision, her consequences an therefore her problem to sort out. YOu took a different path to solving your problems to make sure that you wouldn't end up in a similar position so no way should you pick up after him/her...

OP, your mother will have to learn to say No or just suck it up.

You are definitely not selfish.

Why would anyone with 4 children want to look after others?

Beyond me.

Have your answers ready, you are barely coping with your own and supporting your husband.

There Emergencies are NOT your problem.

Some people expect other people to just step in because they are at home.

You need to say NO to them all consistently so they know NOT to call you.

I would be incensed to hear remark about my free time.

The cheek.

OP, start as you mean to go.

You've organised your own life to do the best for your kids. There's no time free to make others' lives easier.
And why would you add a child with Covid symptoms into your mix. That's crazy. I'd send them all a message.

Dear siblings, I'm not doing too badly, what with supporting dh business, my work, my four children and our house I'm being run ragged. I've felt a few hints recently about how I can help with "all my spare time". As you can see, I have none. So sadly I won't be able to help out with childcare or emergencies. I do hope that you won't be relying on mum as it'd be disastrous if she were exposed to Covid. I hope everyone is well and we can meet up soon.

And give your mum the heads up so she can plan her excuses.

If your sibling's children are poorly, why should you run the risk of getting whatever they might have and even perhaps passing it to your own children or husband?
I certainly don't think you're being selfish, more like sensible in my book.
Remind them that you have 4 of your own and a p/t job plus house, garden and husband. That's well enough to keep you busy. You're allowed some time to yourself too. You are not a workhorse or their gofer.
They'll have to organise their own childcare in future. Do not give in.

YANBU sounds like you have a really busy life and don’t need to be put on anymore just because you are not in paid work. What you are doing is work and it doesn’t stop.
It wouldn’t be good for the kids either my SIL used to dump her daughter on me and I ended up resenting her. No one should be manipulated into providing child care

I think you sound very much like me IRL, unable to find assertive ways to say no to people, trying to please everyone, make everyone happy, and then I feel as if all I do is pee everyone off. Unless someone is dying, or dead, then say "No I have enough on my plate, ask mum".
It is not your problem to worry about everyone else, much like many women do, whether we know we shouldn't do it or not, 4 DCs is a lot and a sibling worth their salt would know not to be a pee taker just because you are at home. They had the kids, their responsibility, not yours.

I got tired just reading your OP. You are not being selfish at all. You reduced your hours because you needed to. You have no obligation to be a back up for other people's lives. I know families help each other in emergencies and unplanned childcare issues. But they seem to be making you part of their plan and isn't fair on you. Even if you didn't work at all and had not kids of your own to look after it isn't your job to look after your nephews. And it shouldn't be your parents either

No way. You have a huge amount to be getting on with and your own children. You deserve time to yourself as well. Your siblings are more than able to take care days away from work if their children are ill. That's what the rest of us have to do. It's your mum's choice to say yes or no to protecting herself or having her grandchildren there. You don't have to be in charge of running the family. Make a stand and say, sorry I'm working from home, I don't have the time to be babysitter. They'll get over it.

@AldiAisleofCrap

Very telling that you say “your siblings kids” rather than your nephews/nieces. You know you are being selfish.

That's not telling at all IMO, OP may have said that to pre-empt any questions along the lines of: are they DH's siblings' kids? Let him sort it out.

You also don't to compile a list of childcare agencies as per another poster's suggestion, that's the "emotional labour" that women often get lumbered with.

I can understand you stressing about them asking you but I tend to find the thinking about something is usually harder than the actual doing of the thing itself, so my advice would be to sort it out ASAP (as you don't seem to be one of those people who can just completely forget about it and stop stressing over it), then you feel a weight off your shoulders.
With regard to your mum, have a chat with her to let her know the situation, remind her that she could be risking her own health and to give her time to figure out what she wants to do but ultimately, she's an adult so can make her own decision.
I do think you and your DH need to figure out if your situation is working for you though, he may be making himself ill working that much and there doesn't seem much time for you all as a family nor a couple. I realise money my be an issue but maybe work out where you can do without as time is much more precious.

As to whether you're being selfish over this matter, absolutely not. I know what it's like to have family who think you'll pick up the slack but I went LC after they tried emotional blackmail for the second time (I didn't fall for it either time) and have now gone NC after more CF on their part, I gotta tell you, it feels really liberating!
Good luck

Sounds like you have enough on your plate OP, and if they are hinting at you being their emergency childcare, I'd set them straight and tell them no now. They'll have sufficient time to organise alternative emergency childcare. Thus could impact on your own children and their schooling too, so it's not fair of them to assume you will be on standby this way. Make it clear that you'll be busy with work and your own children, and don't let them guilt trip you.

1. your post is too long with too little paragraphing which made it too hard to absorb so please don't write like this again.

2. you give no indication as to WHY you feel this weight of expectation and it appears you are simply assuming it will fall to you.

3. you are not (when the time comes) saying no to the person, you are saying no to the request. Tell them that.

4. your parents are adults and like you they need to learn to fight their own battles and say no.

5. pre-empt this situation by messaging all of your siblings simultaneously saying: I'm aware this is a difficult time re: schools but I have my own issues regarding this, I'm still working (even if it's from home) and I'm supporting DH with his business so sadly I will not be providing any childcare for you going forward, emergency, ad hoc or otherwise. Hopefully you won't be offended by this message but I just wanted to clarify this prior to going back into the school year. Please don't ask mum and dad either as they are in the High risk category and it's really not appropriate. Feel free to contact me if you need to discuss.

Then be prepared to discuss. You're an adult and it's time to start acting like one. Coming on here whining won't help, it's horses and water.

Tough love. Sorry.

You could be not working with all the time in the world, and they would still be CFs to expect this.

Simple: Either speak up to your siblings thus being honest or put up with it!

AldiAisleofCrap
That’s a shitty thing to say to OP. How on earth is she being selfish?

I'm just chiming in to say you sound very stressed and a bit lonely Just the thought that anyone had additional expectations of you has prompted this response. I've been in your position for different reasons so my suggestion is for you to carve out a bit of me time from what seems like a very busy schedule with many dependants. That time should be spent in a way that helps you to feel rested. Could be counselling could be gardening could be yoga could be gardening. Whatever works for you. The other suggestion is that you try getting your husband to carve out a bit of us time too. Could be dinner or some entertainment, could be a night away. I appreciate he is in a demanding business but it really will help to clear the mind for a few hours once or twice a month. Good for both of you to relax together. Then any additional requests will assume their proper proportion. Good luck.

You sound so stressed.

Don’t help any of them. Just say no.

Don’t be the go to for 4 weeks.

If your mum helps them that’s up to her.

If they have COVID symptoms they can't come to you anyway - they should be going directly home and self isolating.
You've adjusted your life to improve your families quality of life, not to provide free services for everyone else.

@Youhavetobejoking

Thx to all who replied. Stealth boast??? Seriously??? One sibling in particular is already scornful of me quitting & wondering what I'm doing with 'all my free time'....this past week I've already been asked on 3 separate occasions by 2 diff siblings to help out. Other sibling re-evaluated childcare & decided to decline a place, & work childcare around herself & her DP. Now that the school calendar has been finalised, she needs help for at least the next 4 weeks... Thx for the supportive answers. I hate not being assertive, but I have a tendency to be a bit door-mattish; not a stealth boast or anything I'm proud of BTW). I clearly need to grow a set & establish some boundaries.

Under normal circumstances, my siblings and I would.Cover any gaps in childcare. However, some of that goodwill has been eroded too by one inlaw who has taken the piss over the last 10 years. When covid hit, I made it very clear that once back at school I wouldn't be covering childcare issues that can be planned for by their family units. This will inevitably imoact myself too if life truly returns to normal, but I'm willing to work around this. I don't think that yabu. It's about protecting your family and your parents. My advice, would be to send a group message highlighting the risks of involving grandparents in childcare and school runs and for all of your bubbles mixing. There have been horrid examples of whole families hit by covid with multiple deaths and people need to remember that. Obviously, covid is only one element of your post. You sound as though you could do with some sort of talking therapy for managing your thoughts and feelings.

It sounds like these people are used to you always saying yes and trying to please. It will take a while for them to get used to you saying 'no, that doesn't work for me' and expecting them to sort themselves out. But they WILL get used to it, eventually! Although you might need to steel yourself for some major guilt-tripping on the way. Don't explain or defend your reasons - just set some boundaries. It's ok to say no! Good luck - you've clearly got a lot on your plate already and could probably do with some emotional support yourself right now.

You need a chat/message with family. Something like as you know I have taken decision to reduce hours. You could invent reason (taken on X), say you were stressed with all that was going on but that you are not prepared to justify. The only issue with an invented scenario is they are more likely to pick holes in it.

That you made this decision for you and immediate family (eg kids and husband). That sorry to be blunt but it was not so there would be a go to person for childcare.

That while you cannot speak for parents that you think it would be unfair to use them for childcare or use them as a way to make you feel guilty. After all dad is high risk.

Ask them not to rely on you for childcare as there is a strong chance you will say no.

I would suggest you have above kind of conversation now and not leave it until there is an ‘emergency’.

Your sibling made the decision to turn down alternative childcare . It is their right and they don’t need to discuss this with you first if you are not involved. However, if they are factoring you in they should have said we are thinking that us as parents with your help can make it work. I am assuming they did not.

There is helping family out and then there is being used as a doormat. I am assuming that there are financial/career implications to reduced hours. So you are making a sacrifice. It sounds like sibling did not want to sacrifice extra money for additional child care which is why it is up to them to juggle and sacrifice their time. They cannot have it both ways. Expecting you to provide the childcare.

You do not need to justify free time. It does not sound like you have it but if you did it would be because of decision/sacrifice made. If sibling starts quizzing you on time, quiz them on money they spend. Something like if you did not spend money on x you could probably spend it on childcare. They will probably say it is not for you to quiz me on what you see as perceived luxuries. So my answer would be but it is ok for you to ask me to justify my time/decisions but not for me to do the same?

The next four weeks childcare for niece/nephew is not your problem. Unless you are happy to look after them (sounds like not) make it clear you will not be looking after them.

Things between you and your OH sound unbalanced but that is a separate issue that you may or may not want to look at.

I don’t think it is selfish to say no. Not that it is about thanks but I don’t suppose anyone would be thankful when you have run yourself into the ground.

Sorry to be blunt but would they run around after your family if you had a breakdown because you took on too much. I suspect not. They would say the have jobs, lives etc.

If you're working with your husband then I think you need to start saying

"I'm working that day at our business"

Because you're minimising your role to helper / care giver and that's what others are seeing you as.