"I wish people warned us about having more children"

[Propercrimboselecta]

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

I have 4

Aged 7, 5, 3 and 1.5. there are hard times and great times. I'm lucky they all play together and the older ones involve the younger ones at appropriate times. They argue daily but they love each other fiercely and I am so proud of how much they care about each other! Family is so important. We are not of British culture so maybe we have a different view point but family means everything and even when you dont like each other you still love each other and stick together!

I hope this cntinues into adulthood

I meant to add. In our culture not many people have just one or 2 unless there are fertility issues or illness etc. Most have big families. It's just us here but we are looking forward to our kids making families in the far off future!

My '1' was bloody hard work. It really was. I hated the first year of his life; it was grim, one long scream-fest.

But there are no cousins. So I sort of figured that going for no 2 was unlikely (barring SN) to be worse. So off we went again, me with actual gritted teeth.

No 2 was considerably easier. He was, and I had experience. I was expecting the worst, again, and it didn't happen. He wasn't the easiest, but he didn't scream non stop for a year. A plus 😂

They're exactly 2 years apart ( like me and my bro).

I'm so fortunate in that they get on pretty well. Now 19/21.

DSs are

@formerbabe

Ha ha - no! I just love toddlers. They are the most random, creative, brilliant human beings.

I'm crap with teenagers, though.

I follow a blog of someone with 6 kids and she said it depends on the temperament of the child how easy it is. I found one fine as she had a really easy temperament but i found a baby and toddler really hard as dd2 didn't sleep, screamed if i put her down etc. She turned out lovely but was just very hard work as a baby. If I'd had another baby like dd1 I'd have found going from 1 to 2 a lot easier

It depends on what else you have going on in your life. If life is easy and chilled then having another child isn’t going to make too much of a difference. But it DC1 isn’t sleeping and you have other life/work stresses then DC2 can push you to breaking point. It’s all about the context and timing I think.

Two under 2 here- it's been shit. Yes, it's easier in terms of sleep dep, nappies, weaning, less anxiety, etc. but fucking hell- the exhaustion, the tediousness of it all. I haven't been left alone or had any time to myself for two years. I love them to bits but I've definitely struggled. Lockdown has tested us even more- my MH has been shit. Wish we'd have waited longer to have second but apparently 'it gets easier'. Take your time OP.

I had a second when the first was under two.

Much less of a difference going from 1-2 than 0-1 but it was a difference. Very hectic for a couple of years and not a lot of sleep. They are, however, now incredibly close and it's lovely.

Children are a choice this isn't 1920

I have 4 ranging from (nearly) 20 down to 7 years old.

None of them were planned.

They are the best human beings I know.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

2 is easier than 1. They entertain each other.

If entertainment includes squabbling, bickering and fighting, then I agree.

My thoughts exactly!

However, 3.5 year age gap here and DS2 was a considerably more laid back baby and toddler than DS1 so it was much less of an adjustment than having DS1. DS1 was much put out at the time that the newborn couldn’t instantly play with him. I wouldn’t go back to having one, I like that they have a sibling.

On a more serious note I know some (not a majority but more than one!) only children who say it meant there was a LOT of parental pressure on them. And then if parents get old and sick there’s only one of you (I do NOT expect material help from my DSs but they’ll be able to share the mental load, I hope). And that’s before I remember the awful situation where an only child friend of mine died tragically young and took his parents’ whole world crashing down.

I had people telling me going from 1 to 2 is so much harder. But I say going from 0 to 1 was harder as I hadn't a clue what I was doing I was more chilled with the second 3.5 years later, so enjoyed it more. I think it can also depend on the kids and parents personality and circumstances as well.

For ease I’d have stopped at one had I known how bone-wobblingly constant and tiring parenting is and contiues to be.

However, witnessing DCs interact together and the bond they forged in childhood, teens and young adulthood via shared experience and memories indicates the sibs route works for them. It’s heartening to witness when not numbed by exhaustion. Bloody hell, I genuinely never realised how knackering parenthood would be. So why did I think ‘one is pretty damned shattering,why not have multiple others?’

This stance is no doubt influenced by having brothers and sisters myself who are on side through good times and bad and where we continue to enhance each others live in a way that is pretty impossible to replicate. They and DC continue to be one of the greatest joys of my life.Yet I’m aware this really is very much dictated by individual experience and each person will feel quite differently. And did I mention it might be a littl e bit tiring? Zzzzz

Someone told me before I had my second that having one child is like having a pet. Having two (plus) is like having a zoo.

It sounded scary at the time, but was accurate IMO.

I have 5 and most of the time I love it. The washing and mess are fairly horrendous though. I definitely don't want any more though.

Well I did think I should not perhaps post here but it just got to me and I just had to, you may know what I mean.
But here it is: I have 2 sons that have a 16-year gap.
This was because all of what I went through with the first made me say and feel for a lot of years that I just do not want more, put me right off of having another child.
So you will be saying I messed up but I did not, as I went on a training course and found it to awaken a feeling of wanting another child
and I spent another year after that convincing my husband to
have another baby and there we are.
My first son, had told his school teachers that we were going to give him a brother or sister, and he had told them this for a couple of years, so that when it happened it was no shock to them or to our first son.
Are there any others out there, that went a similar way?

@Motherofmonsters

I've found it way easier going from 1 - 2 then 0-1

Same.

We had a five year age gap, which seemed to be easier than family/friends with closer gap. 1-2 year gap seems to be a bit of a killer

Two close together as thats what we wanted and found going from 1 to 2 a breeze but no. 2 was a very easy baby which helped , slept through from about 2 weeks , and no 1 wasnt quite 2 when he was born and we had no jealousy or anything , but everyones experience will be different.
You just do whats right for you

I found going from 0-1 easy. Two adults looking after one child. A third adult looking after child during working hours. Said child was very relaxed. Decided it would be lovely for lovely for first child to have a sibling, company and a friend for life.

Number two child arrived. Life became stresful. Beyond stressful. Maternity leave was ok as first child continued with childminder but I felt guilty so would frequently take first child out and about and leave baby with minder but I even guiltier for doing that. Second child was never relaxed, never got into any sort of routine.

I got stressed and became an awful parent to both children.

Both children now at primary school. They are complete opposites and do not get on at all.

The cost of having two children, emotionally, practically and financially, is at breaking point. Both are very demanding in their own ways, we have no time for ourselves to the point our relationship hangs on by a string, and we are under constant financial pressure. We need to move into a new catchment for better schools and any move is now just a fantasy. I worry daily about sending the kids to the nearest school which has the worst rating.

Having two children changed our lives to a life of being constantly 'on' and if I'm honest a life of drudgery.

I sometimes hear them laughing together but know that within five minutes, one or both will be in tears and I will be needed to act as a referee. Perhaps things would be different if they were more alike, had shared interests, had similar personalities but thats a lot of 'ifs'.
I look at people who chose to stop after one with respect and wonder at how they didn't fall into the trap of thinking one child isn't enough. One child is more than enough!.

I'm a bit late to the party but here is my two pence;

Going from no kids to one was the hardest, by a country mile. You have become a parent and as wonderful as it, it's a bloody huge shock to the system and completely changes every aspect of your life forever. For me, every kid after that first one is just making things a bit more complex in terms of logistics. You have to be more organised, squeeze more stuff in, and just generally have more to juggle. It doesn't actually feel much different - bit more tired, bit less time, bit less peace and quiet... that's pretty much it.

I really don't think it's the huge change that others have stated. I fully appreciate that it's different for everyone though - that's just my own experience. My first was a very difficult baby and my others were all a bit easier, so that could be a factor for me.

Just seen some of the comments about financial pressure - we're very lucky that we are comfortable. We both grew up poor and I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to have multiple children when you are struggling financially.

So perhaps my above answer is a bit naive of me, because for us, although we have money worries like anyone else, we never have to worry about how we will pay the rent, pay for a childminder or anything like that. It helps massively.

@Propercrimboselecta

honeygirlz I'm not letting somebody else choose for me. It's my uterus 😂. I just wondered if my friends have had particularly difficult second children or if everyone found it ok going from 2 from 1. Going to 1 child is a big life change so I'm not sure why going to two would be the same, as you have already gone through that.

For me, as a mother of two. 13mths apart (2nd wasnt planned) It was bloody hard work to begin with but I made it work. I synced their naps/dinner and milk time etc and it worked for us. 4.5yrs on, DDC 1 is off to school next week & DDC 2 will be at school next year. I think its worked perfectly for us. Our children are into all the same things. Role play nicely but equally fight! Some days are challenging but its all worth it. People told me not to have a big gap. I'm glad I didnt. It wasn't planned but some of the best things aren't! 😊 There won't be a 3rd though. 🤣

We have one child by choice, i just presumed the difficult things about 1 child would be doubled, tripled etc the more kids we had

I am not sure what there is that a person needs to be told by people with more children? What can you possibly not work out for yourself? (Generally speaking not just for the op)

There is 4 years between ours,my eldest is 7 and has ADHD, possibly my youngest does too. Without a doubt 2 is harder for us than 1 but there are so many beautiful moments that I would have missed if we had not had our second, my children do fight sometimes but mostly they are kind to each other and watching them play nicely together is one of my favourite things to do. Do what you think is right for you, don't have another child as company for your eldest as it may not work out that way. I am a twin and my sister and I fought like cat and dog, far from best friends lol.

My situation is a bit different as I have twins (so I don’t know what’s it’s like to just have one). It was definitely hard for the first couple of years, but now it’s fantastic. And it’s been a major bonus during lockdown that they have each other. I love that they have such a strong bond. My sister and I are only a year apart and it was great when we were kids and had a playmate.