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Original poster

"I wish people warned us about having more children"

304 replies

Propercrimboselecta · 28/08/2020 16:43

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 30/08/2020 14:54

Just had to fill in the emergency contact forms for DD starting primary school. No idea who to put as third emergency contact. In the end I went for the one surviving grandparent, although she's four hours away and has long term health conditions so not suddenly going to materialise if DH or I can't get there!

LarryUnderwood · 30/08/2020 14:55

I had 2 under 2 and it was very hard. Parenting doesn't come naturally to me and going from 1 baby to 2 was a huge shock. Now they are older its lovely, most of the time! But the baby and toddler years were awful. I wouldn't change a thing but I would never have a 3rd.

formerbabe · 30/08/2020 14:56

Even something like me needing a filling at the dentist became a logistical nightmare because no one to leave DD with!

Yes same with me. I know if I had another dc I'd be a virtual prisoner until they reached school age! Even with two it was tough as one of my dc had sn and lots of medical appointments...trying to juggle it around the school run for my eldest was a logistical nightmare

YouJustDoYou · 30/08/2020 14:58

I had 3 under 3.5 (now under 7). It was fucking hell the first 4 years or so BUT that was because my oldest was set on hard-core hell setting and I had zero ZERO family help, babysitters, friends etc. I was almost completely alone. Now however...I absolutely would never have it any other way. We never regret for a second having three. I don't give a shit about those saying "just wait until they're teens", I'm happy, I wouldn't change it.

YouJustDoYou · 30/08/2020 14:59

And agree with pp- unless they're in nursery or whatever full time, you really are a virtual prisoner until they're 'all in school 😅

Alongcameacat · 30/08/2020 15:03

No idea who to put as third emergency contact. In the end I went for the one surviving grandparent, although she's four hours away

This is funny. I was in the same situation. I felt I had to put a third person down so stuck down my sibling’s name who is four hours away in light traffic. 🤣

Purplealienpuke · 30/08/2020 15:03

My grandchildren are 7 years apart, my dd is finding the age gap a challenge...
I had one. That was enough for me.

CremeEgg2019 · 30/08/2020 15:08

“2 is easier than 1. They entertain each other”
my two (2 year age gap) do nothing but bicker and fight. They are just completely different personalities.

They individually make fantastic single children, it’s just when they are in the same room that it all goes to pot.
As a family we’ve had to adapt and each grown up takes a child to avoid the inevitable fighting. It’s exhausting.

I do envy those who have children who are friends.

Ericaequites · 30/08/2020 15:29

Don't have children more than 5 years apart. Otherwise, they don't have a lot in common. I know many young siblings with siblings 9-15 years older who have been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by elder siblings. My elder sister manipulated me for over four decades; my brother and I are NC with her.

netflixismysidehustle · 30/08/2020 15:35

I think that you don't realise how easy/hard work dc1 is until you have dc2.

I had a very high maintenance dc1 and super laid back dc2 so found 1 to 2 pretty easy tbh but know plenty who thought that their parenting led dc1 to be easy so got the shock of their lives with dc2.

mumsmaur · 30/08/2020 15:40

Having children that argue/ bicker is saying to us 'we are each different'
and although a pain at times, if they allow you to assist in helping with their differences in reasoning is great, problems arise when
one encounters a challenge to your help, and then we enter a whole newer ball game, that indicates that we have to go about it in a more discreet way.

WankPuffins · 30/08/2020 17:50

@Ericaequites

Don't have children more than 5 years apart. Otherwise, they don't have a lot in common. I know many young siblings with siblings 9-15 years older who have been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by elder siblings. My elder sister manipulated me for over four decades; my brother and I are NC with her.
That’s quite a generalisation there Hmm

11 years between two of mine, one about to turn 18 the other 7. They have always had a lovely relationship. They adore each other and bicker.

New baby in the house too - everything is lovely. My eldest is doting on her.

Not everyone is the same.

ChooksAndBooks · 30/08/2020 17:53

I agree @WankPuffins. My 11yo is totally besotted with my 1 yo and gets along fabulously with his siblings aged 5 and 4 too.

ibblebibbledibble · 30/08/2020 17:57

I went from 1 to 3.
Just be warned you may not get only 2! Two would have been lovely

Roomba · 30/08/2020 18:00

My former colleague once told me that 'Having one child is a bit like having a pet, having two is more like running a zoo' Grin

I found having two much harder than having one at first, but that was almost entirely because DS2 didn't sleep and screamed with reflux all the time. Once that phase was over and I could sleep longer than an hour at a time, it really wasn't so much harder for me. My kids get on well and wouldn't be without each other, despite a 6 year age gap. DS1 gets annoyed at DS2 trying to 'copy him' sometimes, but they share a lot of interests which usually makes life easier.

If DS2 had been my first experience of having a baby though, I doubt I would have been brave enough to have number two! Not sure I could have handled a toddler and a non sleeping baby - the age gap was a bonus there as I could try to nap while DS1 was at school.

Tiny2018 · 30/08/2020 18:05

Two for me has been mostly horrific. There's a seven year age gap and they are different sex. They absolutely hate each other, have nothing in common and I'm convinced that if I left them alone in a room for more than half an hour, my eldest would mutilate my youngest. Very rarely, and j mean rarely, they will find a shared activity, but it never lasts long, their relationship is simply too strained and temperamental.
As such, life is often very difficult.

MondeoFan · 30/08/2020 18:42

I like having 2, I always wanted two, nothing anybody would say could put me off and I have a 10 year age gap.
Best thing I ever did in life to have 2 beautiful DC

timetabling20 · 30/08/2020 18:46

Ive got 6 and will Probably if I’m able to, have one or two more

winetime89 · 30/08/2020 18:48

Having two is hard, 20 months between mine, they argue like cat and dog however it's the best thing I've ever done, they have a constant playmate, laugh together often, can get excited about things together, I think I'd find one more difficult as I'd have to arrange lots of play dates land I'd feel like I'd need to play with them a lot more( not that I don't with mine but it's not the same as playing with someone your own age.)

Winecrispschocolatecats · 30/08/2020 18:56

17 month age gap between my two and it's both the best and worst thing 🙃.

Best - pretty much any activity that is age-appropriate for one is also suitable for the other. They eat at the same time, go to bed at the same time, have many friends in common (they're 11 and 10 now) and the whole nappies/nursing/weaning/toilet-training stages were over pretty quickly. Some friends get one child toilet trained just as the 2nd arrives, so years more nappies 😬.

Worst - the early years were horrifically expensive, especially with childcare. Now they're older, the sibling rivalry is insane. And I'm hitting menopause just as the kids are heading towards their teens - DH has invested in noise-cancelling headphones and a flak jacket 😂.

Wouldn't change anything.

Lightline · 30/08/2020 19:54

I think two close in age can be easier than one child. They can play together and keep each other occupied, it’s also more fun. I have a six nearly seven year age gap between my DC and I feel so sorry for my youngest now often stuck with me and DH. She doesn’t seem to mind and I have friends of hers over whenever we can but I am conscious that she might have had more fun if she had a sibling close in age

Sunnyrainshowers · 30/08/2020 19:58

I had 4 aged under 5 for a while and yes, it was bloody hard, and yes, I would do it again, because, once the early years are done, it gets much easier, and they each bring so much joy.

More of an age gap may make things easier in some ways, and according to my friends in this situation, more difficult in others. But if you want a second, go for it, and good luck to you :)

Sunnyrainshowers · 30/08/2020 20:02

@Tiny2018 My brother and I never got along, could not be left alone together, and were, all in all, a horror show for my parents. Now in our forties, we are quite close, although we still wind each other up. But we wouldn't be without each other. My parents are relieved :)

runninguphills · 30/08/2020 20:30

I had 3 under 5. Yes it was difficult. I remember declining a 6.hour discharge from hospital after giving birth to dc3 as I wanted an overnight stay to have a rest!

It was like herding small goats in the beginning but much much easier no they are older.

There are negatives but I feel there are more positives. The children all have a great relationship. I have developed into a very relaxed parent as I am unable to invest the energy and attention I would have given to one child - to all 3. However, I think this is good for them and I can see them "pull together".

They never ask a parent to play with them as they have each other. The youngest 2 are really into board games and play loads together. I thankfully don't have to get involved.

The negatives are that it's getting more expensive - I can really see that with the teenager. My food bill is huge. Also, if we just had the oldest - life would be super easy! I wouldn't have to worry about school pickups/childcare etc.

Also, there are people everywhere in my house. Not just my own children but the extra friends passing through.

I love them and happy with my choice to have 3. It's amazing to listen to them chat together and the fact they love each other (although they still argue as all siblings do).

JM10 · 30/08/2020 20:33

There are 4 years between my two and at first it wasn't harder but as they've got older it's gotten so much harder than 1. I love them both, but if I'd known what it would be like I'd only have had 1. I can only hope as they grow they argue less and it gets easier 🤞