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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I wish people warned us about having more children"

304 replies

Propercrimboselecta · 28/08/2020 16:43

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

OP posts:

BubblyBarbara · 29/08/2020 20:16

How are those of you with 4 or more kids dealing with cars? There are only a handful of cars with 6+ seats and most of them terrible or expensive

billy1966 · 29/08/2020 20:25

I think starting again with a huge age gap would be challenging.
But it really is up to yourself.
I felt very lucky to have had each of mine.

OneTooManyBathtimes · 29/08/2020 20:38

[quote PablosHoney]@OneTooManyBathtimes 💐 Lockdown must have made things even harder, I really feel for everyone with young kids at this time, my youngest is 7 and that’s bad enough. Cliche but this too will pass, I won’t feed you crap about treasuring every moment as they are long ass days.[/quote]
It's not just Lockdown, it's the fact that DH just seems to have devolved into a useless ball of slime. Yeah, he'll do the dishes, and he'll do other things, but more often than not he'll leave them undressed, or he'll prefer to watch a film "with them" (read: for him and the kids to maybe watch) rather than actually spend time with them. He won't take them out without me, "but of course when you're at work I'll go out more". That's not the point! The point is you get into the habit NOW so you're ready.

I'm trying to.doso much and it feels like I'm not achieving anything.

Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 29/08/2020 21:07

We have two - 5 year gap. In theory it should be hard but our eldest has
Mild learning difficulties so they are probably at the same level at the moment. Two is harder - but it’s not forever and our all
Our lives would be so much poorer with our second. He wasn’t planned - quite the opposite but he is out icing on the cake and his sister adores him

gingganggooleywotsit · 29/08/2020 21:43

2 kids, 9 year gap, people think I'm crazy but it's just the way life turned out! obvs they don't play together, it's like having 2 only children. However I hope they will be friends as adults.

blueshoes · 29/08/2020 21:50

2 is busier than 1 but not necessarily harder because you already got over the worst adjustment. My 2 are a joy and a complement to each other.

ClaraSais · 29/08/2020 22:53

It was hard going from one to two but I wouldn’t change a thing. I felt sad I couldn’t give all my attention to my firstborn when I had baby two, and also they are close in age so babe was up all night and then I was keeping toddler amused in the day. Admittedly as an older mum with no family it’s harder. If I’d been younger when I had my babies I think I would have had a slightly longer age gap.

grey12 · 30/08/2020 05:00

From what I've heard it's the opposite!! People regretting not having more kids. They say their reasoning was silly.

Having one child is really hard!! 2 or 3 isn't THAT much of a difference.

I would say if you're in the fence, go for it!

pickpickledpeppers · 30/08/2020 05:11

@Propercrimboselecta

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now... We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

I have never heard anybody who said that. Make your own choice.

RidingMyBike · 30/08/2020 07:41

We have one and get comments about when we’re going to have another. Childcare is expensive here so we always knew there would have to be at least a 3 year gap (and, as it turned out the 30 hours ‘free’ weren’t free at all, more like a 4.5 year gap). And now we’re about to see DD off to school and we have zero desire for another child. Have kept all the stuff just in case but the thought of going thru newborn hell again is really off putting. Plus all my friends with more than one spend their time refereeing squabbles! Did wonder if lockdown would have been easier with more than one but I doubt it as we’d have had to supervise more with a younger sibling.

I have a younger brother (18 month age gap) which I think was a mistake - my parents, especially my Mum, struggled to cope and I was expected to be a quiet good girl whilst she dealt with my more demanding brother. Parents were desperate to give me a sibling as they were both only kids and they didn’t want me to have to look after them alone when they got older - as it turns out my brother and I aren’t close (live far apart and see each other about once a year, with maybe a WhatsApp once a month) and he didn’t even remember my mum was going into hospital for an operation!

IsSpringSprangedYet · 30/08/2020 08:40

I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that OP! If you had asked first, I would maybe say "I wish I had been more strict with bedtimes" but you could say that with any number of children. I normally have that Benny Hill tune in my head at bedtime. I did get a lot of "you need a TV in the bedroom"

I have 5, and the first 4 are really close. I had one just started school, two toddlers (not twins) and a newborn. My youngest had just started school when number 5 came along, so a bigger gap. Honestly, I love it, and wouldn't change it at all.

Justacouplemorethen · 30/08/2020 09:18

My second is 2 months old, my first is 4.5 years. I definitely found going from 0-1 harder than 1-2; this baby is quite easy going and has fitted into our lives well. As the age gap is 4.5 years, my eldest can help me with the baby (bringing me things etc) and is self sufficient enough to entertain himself, not need to hold my hand when out etc, and also to understand about and be interested in the baby without getting jealous. I’ve made sure that I spend time with him when the baby is asleep and do some of his bedtimes so he gets enough attention, and we go out to see his friends and do stuff he likes and the baby just comes along (I just have to stop more to feed and change her). I do have mum guilt as I can’t give either of them my full attention now, but both seem happy. I am looking forward to him starting school in a couple of weeks so I can have more 121 time with the baby, although of course there aren’t many Baby groups to go to!
With my first I remember being in a sleep deprived bubble and spending a lot of time watching tv in the middle of the night, and going to baby groups and for coffee with other mums. This time around there’s been none of that; I sleep as much as I can in a night as I can’t nap when baby naps as I’ve got the eldest to entertain, so you just have to cope with 4 hours of broken sleep a night (but you do cope), it’s been lockdown so no baby groups or coffee mornings but I wouldn’t be able to bring the eldest to those anyway (hopefully I can do more of that when eldest is in school).
I had wanted a smaller age gap, but it took more than 2 years to have my second - I had 3 miscarriages between the two children, which was awful. I had had no problems having my first and they didn’t know why those 3 pregnancies didn’t work; they did say it is not unusual to have at least one MC after the first baby. But I am now glad of the age gap.
I have several friends who are only sticking with 1 child, and I can see why. They have their lives back now, they can go on holidays / adventures etc with their child, He can go stay with grandparents so they can have weekends away etc. They don’t envy me having a newborn again!
There is a 5 and 6 year age gap between me and my brother and sister (I’m a middle child) and we liked it - we played with and had to look after our younger sibling, but there was no rivalries as we were all in different stages and no crossover with friends etc. I do know several people who have siblings with a close age gap who didn’t get on at all, until they were adults.
I think it’s all very personal, not only how many kids you have but when you have them. You make it work for you, and there are pros and cons of any situation. I would just say that some people (me included) struggle to have a baby the second time around; so if you want another, be aware that the age gap you plan for might not work anyway. But hopefully you will be fine!

ChooksAndBooks · 30/08/2020 09:27

I have 4 birth children and we foster so at the moment I have 5 kids in the house.

I wouldn't change it, I love it, and certainly don't regret any of them.

I think my life is pretty close to perfect, but it would be some people's idea of a living nightmare.

Lunariagal · 30/08/2020 09:30

4 year age gap. Found the 1-2 transition harder than 0-1 which I wasn't expecting. Have never met anyone who says 2 is easier than 1 including those with small age gaps.

LittleMissMe99 · 30/08/2020 09:35

You love your children regardless. Can you imagine regretting have the child you have now? You won't. I have two. No difference to having one except you feel more confident in what you're doing! I do wish I'd had one more though

Lucy40ishere · 30/08/2020 09:54

@2020iscancelled- this is exactly how I imagine having two to be! And from seeing friends with two it is a very accurate description! I know I would find it very hard too & friends say the same.
I have also experienced a similar thing OP about people warning about having two because:

it’s more than twice the work of one
No one will take two overnight so harder to get a break as a couple
It’s very draining when they argue & to find activities they both enjoy.

Saying that some of my friends siblings seem to get on ok & maybe it’s because they are not out of the woods yet that they feel this way. I cannot get my head around the idea that three or four could be easier than one though. Sure they entertain each other but you also have to referee, you have more responsibility including financially & you have go through sleep regressions/ teething etc more than once. I genuinely can’t get my head around how it could be easier overall. But I get that people are different but just baffled by the logic.

midnightstar66 · 30/08/2020 10:00

To be honest I've never heard anyone say that. After no1 you kind of know what you're doing and it all seems a bit easier. I don't regret having 2 not do I know anyone that has

NetflixandBrill · 30/08/2020 10:07

This thread makes for interesting reading, I wonder how many people would admit to regretting a second or third child.

I am terrified to have another!

Alongcameacat · 30/08/2020 10:44

I wonder how many people would admit to regretting a second or third child.

Many regret it. It is hard to say/write because by then we are talking about regretting a person in our lives, a person with a name and personality and bond. It is hard for a parent to say I wish (name) didn’t exist.

My second child is a fun loving personality. If DC2 had never been in my life and I knew then how very difficult having two children would be, I would absolutely not have had a second child.

If you have extended family support, involved grandparents, siblings with kids or live close to any sort of support network or close friends, these factors make things easier. I read here about kids going to stay with grandparents for a night and all these extra supports must help hugely. People’s circumstances vary so much. I expect many people who find multiple children joyful at all times, have nights on their own occasionally or family who will mind children while they go to weddings, hospital appts, hairdressers.

RidingMyBike · 30/08/2020 10:50

@Alongcameacat yes, I've noticed that too - people with good support networks seemed to get on a lot better. Second babies who wouldn't sleep unless held being held in turn by grandparents who came along to groups too. Or who had the older one overnight to give the parents a break. We don't have any of that support, which is a big reason why we found it so hard initially (all the advice about limiting visitors - we didn't have any!) and also why I doubt we'd have a second child.

formerbabe · 30/08/2020 10:56

Yes I agree with @alongcameacat and @ridingmybike

I know a woman with four kids...she finds it easy...that's because her mum does virtually every school run and most of the holidays as well as weekends. In fact, I've rarely seen her with all four of her children at once. If I had four children, I'd never get a moment to myself until they started school.

I think actually lots of people regret having children despite loving them. I have two dc and don't regret them. I think if I had some third, I'd regret it hence why I won't be doing that.

formerbabe · 30/08/2020 10:57

*a third not some third

NetflixandBrill · 30/08/2020 11:04

Yes I have seen that a lot too, it takes a village as they say and it literally does!

SerenaSandwich · 30/08/2020 12:14

We have very little support but I actually found that made the decision to have another easier.

People upthread have talked about how family members will have one child to sleep over but not two.

We never had anyone willing to have DC1 overnight. So if we are already staying home with her, may as well stay at home with DC2 as well 🤷‍♀️

I can see how that wouldn't be everyone's logic but that was ours

If I had family members willing to help with school runs, babysitting etc though that would be the absolute dream and I reckon I'd have three or even four.

Everyone's situation is so different.

RidingMyBike · 30/08/2020 14:52

Yes, I came across a mum at toddler group who had 3 under four. Twins who were a bit older than my DD and then a boy who was a bit younger. And she said it was brilliant and not that difficult. It can't have been easy all the time but she was about 15 years younger than me, and her mum (only a few years older than me!) would turn up and meet her from the group and help with the kids. And three other young grandparents around too - still working age but able to help out around their work. I can't help that we had DD late in life (by the time we met and then had fertility problems we were older) but it did mean that no grandparent help around etc. Even something like me needing a filling at the dentist became a logistical nightmare because no one to leave DD with!

Although there are enough MIL threads on here to make me think we may have got off lightly

Money also makes a difference. Friend had 3 under 5, including twins, but had a v well paid City job. So went out for lunch everyday as it was easier than preparing food for them all at home and then made a lot of use of paid for childcare.

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