Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I wish people warned us about having more children"

304 replies

Propercrimboselecta · 28/08/2020 16:43

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

OP posts:
TwiceAsNice22 · 29/08/2020 05:13

I pressed post too soon! I was also going to say that everyone’s experience is different. And I think it’s a shame that people are saying such negative things to you about having more than one child. They might be going through a hard time and feel a bit envious. I will admit that I have gone through times when I felt so envious of my friends having one child - from the outside it often looked so much easier! I don’t think I ever just got to sit and snuggle my babies, the first year was so stressful and busy (They were prem and had medical issues which did contribute to that though). It is great now though (they are 5) and I am so glad that I have more than one child.

Mamabear12 · 29/08/2020 10:46

Hmm. I think it depends really. I’ve had loads tell me not to go for a third and some saying go for it (these are people w 3 dc). In the end we went for a third and now thinking about a 4th! Our third is 9 months and we are so happy we listened to our gut. I have heard this saying about kids. One is like none and two is like ten! That is so true 😀 but adding a third (w a few years gap) was so easy for us. Our first two our only 20 months apart and boy was that hard!!! But now they are 8 and 6 and adding a third has been super easy. We also have a young dog so our hands our full. But it’s a house full of joy and love (and chaos sometimes).

ChurchOfWokeApostate · 29/08/2020 10:47

Totally agree going from 0-1 is WAY harder than going from 1-2.
The second one does just slot in

NameChange84 · 29/08/2020 10:49

My friends all commented that the second baby was easier than becoming a first time parent and that the baby just slotted into existing routines.

2 to 3 seems to be harder. Some of my friends have 5, so 2 seems like a doddle to be honest!

wishfull888 · 29/08/2020 11:01

It depends what you enjoy about your life now that you don't want to change it "for now". Going back 4-5 years when you've got an independent child to buggies and nappies could feel very tying. I had my second almost a year ago with a 3 year gap and I've found it really hard. Much harder than the first in different ways. Covid hasn't helped.

weffles · 29/08/2020 17:28

It’s tricky in the beginning when you have a toddler and a newborn, but it’s great now that they can play together. They’ve definitely grown closer over lockdown. It’s so sweet to hear them playing together. Not to say they don’t fall out!

peanutbutterandbanana · 29/08/2020 18:00

I have three and have a four year gap between 1 and 2 and a 3 year gap between 2 and 3.

Having number 1 blindsided me. I found it incredibly hard. Number 2 was an easier baby but number 1 was very demanding and a wee bit jealous when number 2 arrived. Then we had number 3 and by then number 1 was almost 7 and so well into school and her own life (and was very helpful around number 2 and 3). Number 2 was at nursery when 1 was born and a year later was at school, so I had lots of years with number 3 and me at home (worked PT) which was lovely. It was definitely a juggle but I would say the jump from 1 - 2 was harder than the jump from 2 - 3. Number 1 is now my easiest and most helpful (nearly 24!) and they all bring great joy. Every family is different and a lot depends upon how you parent and upon the personality of the little human. You must do whatever works best for you. Whatever you decide will be the best decision Smile

OneTooManyBathtimes · 29/08/2020 18:00

We had 2 under 2 and it's been a nightmare. I hate it. DS wants to have everything DD plays with so he'll push her over, or hit her/kick her etc. Its made my depression worse. He's so clingy, even more so since DD was born

Minxmumma · 29/08/2020 18:20

I have four. It's fine, bit chaotic some days but lots of giggles and love, the occasional war ruckus but nothing major.

I was am an only child and would have sold my soul to have siblings, if there is only you, you are the object of every parental expectation and dream, and therefore failure to meet them was greeted with a wrath like hell unleashed. As an adult I have no one to share the worries and responsibility for supporting my parents as my lovely Mum dwindles into the latter stages of terminal illness.

I know it doesn't always work out that way though.

Tell people to mind their own business

PablosHoney · 29/08/2020 18:21

@OneTooManyBathtimes 💐 Lockdown must have made things even harder, I really feel for everyone with young kids at this time, my youngest is 7 and that’s bad enough. Cliche but this too will pass, I won’t feed you crap about treasuring every moment as they are long ass days.

Brokeaf · 29/08/2020 18:26

I find 2 really difficult actually. The adjustment from 0-1 is of course harder but day to day life is really difficult now. They fight all the time, they don’t get on, they cost so much and I feel kind of over this Young stage now my eldest is more independent.
Desperately hoping it’ll get easier in a few years as the youngest ages.
I love my youngest to pieces and wouldn’t change her for the world but I didn’t expect it to be so hard.

formerbabe · 29/08/2020 18:27

I think it depends as well on your own personality.

I'm an introvert and like peace and quiet. I'm also quite analytical and over think...I'm not sure these are good qualities to have if you're a mum of a big family. I have two dc...that suits me. I am well aware that if I had more, I would slip into depression...I know I would.

Some women have loads of kids and absolutely love it. Some say they love loud chaotic homes...this is hell on earth to me. I remember a thread on here once and a lady had four under 10s and loved it...good for her I thought but I would hate my life if I had four small children.

mumsmaur · 29/08/2020 18:27

Yes,TwiceAsNice22 it is difficult when like you say: the first year was so stressful and busy (They were prem and had medical issues which did contribute to that though).
This was why I had decided after first baby/child to not have anymore
but after 14 years changed my mind. How it all happened was that I was very young when having first but so very glad that I changed my mind in enough time to have a second.
As if I had not I would have very little to look forward to in my life
because my husband is seriously ill.
I guess some would say that I just need to pick my self up and others would say that our children were not meant to be our saviors,
but you have to actually know the fuller life story before making
judgements.
I say if you feel deeply that you would actually like another and also
feel strong both physically and mentally that is the actual costs
involved, as the putting off for finances could go on and on because
this can be forever, as the love you will hold is going to motivate you into better budgeting, best wishes.

WankPuffins · 29/08/2020 18:33

I’ve got three - each one made bugger all difference really though as I’ve got big age gaps, 11 years between the first, almost 7 years between the second and my newborn baby. It would have been hard with very small age gaps though.

nogoodsolution · 29/08/2020 19:01

It depends on so many factors, and only you know what would be best for you, OP.

I personally love noise, chaos, mess, etc, so I loved having more than one. I wouldn't have liked big age gaps between them, either, as I liked them being young together. Whatever I did with them would suit them all, as they were all at the same stage. I'd have found it much harder trying to please children of different ages. I'd also have found it a bit tedious having to start all over again once one had become civilised. I also don't find babies that interesting, so the babyhoods of the younger children were more fun (for me) because there was so much going on anyway. I would have found having one a bit isolating, and I think there would have been too much focus on him/her. I liked the muddling along element.

ToftyAC · 29/08/2020 19:16

It is difficult with me for 2, but that’s because my eldest is 18 and my youngest 6. Trying to find stuff that we can all do has been a goddamn nightmare because of such a huge age difference. Also made harder as my eldest is trans so needs a lot of my attention at the min and it’s hard when my youngest also needs attention. My advice is that if you’re thinking of another baby, don’t leave it too long between them.

sweets · 29/08/2020 19:16

I've never heard anyone advising against having more than one. I've heard negatives about having an only child - the urban myth that they will be spoilt and not able to share. I have a 7 year gap between my two. I couldn't cope with a small age gap personally, however it does mean you end up doing school runs forever!

4kidmom · 29/08/2020 19:31

I have four kids. The first two are almost 3 years apart. Going from 0-1 was a huge transition. It isn’t as big of a transition adding a second but it does take time getting used to balancing the needs of two. Having more space makes that a little easier but their needs are very different with a bigger space so that can be a challenge. My third was born when his brothers were 5 and 2. I found three to be very busy but the transition was actually easier. You just keep doing what you have been doing. The key is having a husband who is all in. You are out numbered at that point so it’s all hands on deck. My fourth is our only girl and she is 11, 8 and 5.5 years younger than her brothers. It was pretty easy to add her to the mix. The boys loved her and were helpful. She is 15 now and for most of her life she has complained because she wishes she was closer in age to the boys.

PufferFish · 29/08/2020 19:35

I didn't find going from 1 to 2 difficult. I think it helped that they were so close in age (24 months). However the 3rd arriving 27 months later was challenging. Although, in retrospect more so after the first year. No3 does have SEN though, so nothing has been straightforward. I love the very bones of him but he's single handedly responsible for every grey hair on my head!!!

Alongcameacat · 29/08/2020 19:44

I've never heard anyone advising against having more than one.

Have you read this thread?

I'm an introvert and like peace and quiet. I'm also quite analytical and over think...I'm not sure these are good qualities to have if you're a mum of a big family.

This is a realisation I came to only after I had my second child. The house is do loud ALL the time. I have fantasies of living in my old apt by myself when I chose the level of interaction. Both kids are in primary and the constant arguing, the mess, the need to be ‘on’ ALL the time. It is relentless. Sometimes I go for a walk with the eldest DC and we chat normally as we walk. We go to museums and restaurants and it is normal. It is my favourite time. When both kids are together, I spend my day being a referee. They are so competitive about everything, it is exhausting. It didn’t get better as they outgrew toddlerhood. What makes it more bearable is being able to be with one on their own while the other is doing a different hobby.
I am sad that I watch the clock until it’s their bedtime yet if one comes back downstairs later, I love it as we are both relaxed and can chat and cuddle without interruption or demands being made.

I am very envious of people with one child.

Angelina82 · 29/08/2020 19:47

There are 2 years and 3 months between my eldest too, and I don’t remember it being especially hard at all. I just think some people just like to dramatise and moan.

linmanuel · 29/08/2020 19:49

I have 4 (unexpected twins at the endWink)
People I know who have only one child have been the ones who have been struggling during lockdown

Empty wallets but full hearts

FelicisNox · 29/08/2020 20:07

I raised 6 children, 3 DD and 3 DSD.

The short answer is this: it's harder going from 1 to 2 children than it is going from 2 to 3 or more.

It's the whole juggling of multiples thing.

Also: the thing people REALLY don't tell you is that 1st children are easy: good natured, sleep well and they lull you into a false sense of security.
2nd children are more oftthan ot little sods. Badly begaved and poor sleepers, THAT is what you have to look out for.

FelicisNox · 29/08/2020 20:09

Sorry about the spellings... my phone keeps freezing. 🙄

EllieHJ · 29/08/2020 20:14

We have 3 and I we waited a bit before the 3rd so his brothers are 6 and 8 years older than him. It's been fine and he just got taken with me to all the clubs etc. One problem is that you don't do all the things that you might have done with the older ones. I am having to make sure he gets the same treats even if the thought of them makes me exhausted (at least one whole class party), trips to Legoland etc. that the older ones have grown out of. His brothers have been wonderful though and it may be because they are all boys but they have always included him in things.

Swipe left for the next trending thread