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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I wish people warned us about having more children"

304 replies

Propercrimboselecta · 28/08/2020 16:43

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 28/08/2020 17:05

Hmmm.
After saying that about how well they got on when younger mine are now nearly 18 and 20 and constantly bicker like they never did when little.
I'm blaming lockdown Confused

Sunny4876 · 28/08/2020 17:06

2 for me has been a nightmare,6.5 year ago gap,same sex,they hate each other and bicker constantly,been like this for 8 years so don't think it'll improve much until they're adults.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/08/2020 17:06

I have a different theory

Which is that those saying "I wish people had warned me about having 2/3/6" would be saying "oh its so hard just having one" if they'd decided not to have more.

Chocolate4me · 28/08/2020 17:07

It's probably because they are in the throws of smaller age gaps and look at you with 1 and think how much easier it must be. But in a few years I'm sure they will be glad they got the younger years out of the way and can then appreciate a smaller age gap.
I have 4 and had 2 year gaps for the first 3 and it was busy and crazy looking back at the first 8 years, then we had a 6 year age gap between 3 and 4, and it has been much less stressful. We are now expecting a 5th, with a 2yr 9 month age gap, and it feels easier as DS has suddenly matured and can go to pre school. He is also more outgoing as he wants to copy his older siblings.... I definitely find an age gap of atleast 2.8 years much easier. It really depends on each family

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 28/08/2020 17:08

I have 5. 0-1 was definitely the hardest for me. 1-2 was tricky at first as Dc2 was very poorly at birth & there's only 14 months between them. Once home things soon slotted in to place. 2+ never really phased me, I possibly helps that they're smallish gaps (7y 4m between dc1 & dc5). Each age & stage has it's own challenges & rewards & both me & Dh have always made sure we both have individual time with each child. I do constantly head count when we're out though, especially when it's just me & them Grin. I wouldn't not have 5 though, even if I could change it.

MellySandra · 28/08/2020 17:08

I’ve got 5, it’s hard going at times but I wouldn’t for a second be without any of them :)

formerbabe · 28/08/2020 17:08

Oh and however many you have, one less seems like a doddle

SerenaSandwich · 28/08/2020 17:10

I've never heard anyone say this! I've heard people say it about having children full stop, but never about having more children.

I'm another one who found the transition from 1-2 a million times easier than 0-1. Go for it if you want more OP Smile

NetflixandBrill · 28/08/2020 17:11

I am in the same predicament and wonder if people struggle more with 2 than 1

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 28/08/2020 17:11

That's very true formerbabe.

chickenyhead · 28/08/2020 17:12

2 was great. I had a 4 year age gap due to childcare costs, it worked well.

Three and above, erm, i dont know many sane people who have 3 or above. I might just be unlucky.

nogoodsolution · 28/08/2020 17:14

Two are easier than one. I would have found one very, very hard work. Two under two was an absolutely joy.

Tumbleweed101 · 28/08/2020 17:16

I found the biggest 'jump' was going from two to three. That's when it became harder, having two from one didn't seem such a difference. There is a bigger age gap between two and three though so that may have influenced how I feel.

formerbabe · 28/08/2020 17:16

Two under two was an absolutely joy

You must be made of stronger stuff than me Grin

KarenFitzkaren · 28/08/2020 17:17

2 is harder than 1.
1 is lots harder than none!

merrytombombadil · 28/08/2020 17:17

I had this - I actually found 0-1 okay...lots of time to drink coffee with friends and watch homes under the hammer. 1-2 was a massive shock as there was never any downtime...as soon as the baby slept the toddler needed me and vice versa. Also, running round after a toddler at toddler groups, with a baby in tow, is very different to drinking tea and eating biscuits at baby groups.

diddl · 28/08/2020 17:17

Mine are just under 2yrs apart & for the most part get on really well.

Sibling & I 4.5 yrs apart & I wouldn't say got on until adults.

Cineraria · 28/08/2020 17:19

It was hard for me because I found it difficult that I couldn't any longer do exactly what I thought was best for each of them because sometimes I would have to prioritise a more urgent/important need of the other child, e.g. the baby might end up lying down in discomfort (bad reflux) while I helped the older one use the potty urgently or the older one might have more limited activities/interaction while I was feeding the baby. After the baby turned two it was much easier, I think, because they entertain each other but before that I really wished that I had been a bit younger so I could have waited until the older one was at school to have had a second one. My mum did that and it was nice as she could spend time just with my brother in the school day and always made sure she had time for me straight after school.

pipnchops · 28/08/2020 17:19

I am so glad I had two but they were close together in age and my goodness the first two years of DD2s life were really hard going. Lovely moments too but both really bad at sleeping and both very clingy. It was intense. Now they are older they play together beautifully and I wouldn't change it for the world. I do wish I could give them both more of my attention instead of splitting it. I feel very torn between them at times and wish I could clone myself. So I can see the appeal of just sticking with one DC.

lanthanum · 28/08/2020 17:19

I always joked that we'd listened to all those people, but actually we stuck at one just because that was what worked for us. We didn't feel ready to have another straightaway, and as time went on we realised that we were happy with one.
I have friends with larger gaps than most, and that seemed to work for them, too.
The interesting thing is that DD's friendship group is mostly onlys/large gaps.

NoImNotPregnant · 28/08/2020 17:21

I have 2 now and planning a third after Christmas Smile going from 1-2 was a joy to be honest! Hard work yeah, but life had already changed after having DD1, so DD2 just slotted into our new lifestyle.

Tootletum · 28/08/2020 17:21

It depends. I wish I had known how easy having just the one was, yes. And in some ways because we have so many active things we want to do, it would be easier now that our oldest can do all of them. If we just had him, we'd be out having fun with him every weekend. We're sitting around for another three years waiting for the youngest to be ready. It's frustrating. If you have family that can look after younger ones it's not so much of an issue though.

formerbabe · 28/08/2020 17:22

I do wish I could give them both more of my attention instead of splitting it. I feel very torn between them at times and wish I could clone myself

I actually think the benefit of a sibling outweighs the benefit of more one on one time with a parent. My funniest, best memories from growing up involve my sister rather than my parents.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 28/08/2020 17:23

I had three under two then four under five. It was very hard but I don't regret it. I honestly think you cope with the situation you have.

Ultimately you should do what you want to do and ignore the opinions of everyone else. It is your life.

DSsnm · 28/08/2020 17:24

I had 3 in 18 months (twins second time round) and it was incredibly hard. I’m not sure how we survived the first year with the twins. Now they are 4 and nearly 3 and it’s still chaos but in a good way. If I only have 2 children with me for whatever reason though it’s an awful lot easier. I think once you’ve had your first the hardest part is over though, you know what’s coming second time round.