"I wish people warned us about having more children"

[Propercrimboselecta]

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

Among the families I know, going from two to three was the most upheaval. It might be partly because there were significant age gaps in each case- five+ years- so they’d probably got used to more sleep and less crying🤣. But, all the families bar one have got through it and seem to have a great dynamic. The couple who split up already had some problems and a surprise third child further strained their relationship (I’m good friends with the Mum and that’s the impression I have). ☹️

I've found having two much harder than having one. 4 year age gap and i had visions of sisters playing nicely growing up. Bring on fighting, squabbling, bickering for at least 12 years and i'm shattered. Spent so much time trying to keep things calm, mediate, referee and keeping them separated. not so bad now they 16 and 20, but they still have their moments

I found having 2 easier than 1 as my DS had a playmate, but then I went on for number 3 and sometimes one got left out

Two under two was great for us and still is

I had two under two (currently 2 and 1) and it is hard. But I didn't need people to warn me of that. It's obviously hard having two so young! It wouldn't have put me off even if they did warn me and tbh I'd be pretty pissed off if people were offering this unsolicited and negative advice

@Stripesgalore

Having two means they have someone to play with.

And to fight with

Going from 1 to 2 I found very easy,they have less than 2 years between them and my oldest DS fell instantly in love with his little brother and they're still besfriends now at 24 and 22.

Going from 2 to 3 was easy because my 2 oldest DS's thought that they're little brother was the best thing on Earth and they're still close now and our youngest son is going to be 19 next month.

Going from 3 to 4 was easy, I had a little girl and all 3 of my DS's really really wanted a little sister(although my youngest DS at only 20 months would tell everyone she was his baby),my DD's now 17 and still very close to her big brothers.

Going from 4 to 5 was the hardest but that's mainly because I became really ill and then disabled when our youngest was only tiny and when our DD was 2 she was diagnosed with some physical disablities and autism but when it came to our 4 older DC's reaction they loved her so much and they still do,she is spoilt rotten by all of them,she's 12 now,13 next month and she still has them all wrapped around her little finger.

I think everyone's experiences will be really different because so much depends on what your DC are like with one another,what support you have around you,weather your someone that gets easily stressed or not,if you or any of your DC are disabled or have ongoing health conditions,most of my friends that have a bigger family are happy,the one's that aren't still give all that they can for they're DC.

I think it depends on your parenting style to some extent. I never saw myself as a children's entertainer so whilst I was happy to parent them I didn't feel guilty plonking them in front of the tv for an hour occasionally and I certainly didn't spend much time negotiating with them. I remember standing at a zebra crossing whilst my friend tried to explain to her 3 year old why she had to hold mummy's hand to cross. All the drivers sat nervously not sure whether to go or not.
Some parents just make their own lives hard imo.

Mine had a ridiculous fight yesterday as DD wanted to borrow DS’s phone, because she’s broken hers. He logically said no, because she’s broken two phones already.

Cue big argument about him being unreasonable. Siblings are great.🤣

In my experience some people find having two harder, but a lot of people find the second child easier than the first one and adapt more quickly. It's not such a shock, the lack of time, the identity crisis, you know the ropes for feeding, sleep. The only thing that really makes two harder is the logistics. How complicated that is depends on your situation.

My mother had 4 and found it was the youngest who was hardest work- but perhaps in many ways also the most rewarding. (she loved us all equally, I hasten to add) Two of hers (no 2 and no 3) were born 16 months apart, but they were also the most easy-going of the lot.

In my own case, it was our eldest who was hard work. Going from 1 to 2 only got harder because of her attempts to assassinate him (slight exaggeration ). And she did actually stop quite soon. Now 20 and 23 and very good friends.

I have a 7 year difference between my 2. Some people were quite rude about the age gap, assuming the 2nd was an accident - she wasn't, I just took 3 years to conceive her. It was a bit of a a shock to the system, but as the oldest was at school, I got to spend my maternity leave with just the little one during the day and do baby groups etc that I would have struggled with if I had a preschooler to entertain too.

IME, lots of people will tell you the "ideal age gap", but there is no such thing - you can't buy babies in Tesco. And people who can plan the age gap are lucky that they conceive when they want to!

The age gap now is nice - the older one plays nicely with the younger and I can ask her to help me with playing with the younger for 10 mins while I make dinner / put washing on. Yes it can be tricky finding things they both like doing for days out etc, but that's the way it happens.

My first, a boy, was a pretty easy baby but it was still a huge adjustment to care for an infant. DD, born 22 months later was much more of a challenge, so we called it quits then and DH happily got the snip.

In our case having them close in age worked out well. It minimized the time changing nappies and they got on well and were close enough in age to play together.

I’ve heard that two isn’t much harder than having one, but the jump to three is very hard. TBH I found the same with cats. I had one, then got another to keep the first company, then a third kind of adopted us. It then felt quite overwhelming - financially and their neediness!

Having three is a pain logistically because once the third one is over a certain age you will need two hotel rooms wherever you go.. you can’t stay in a camper van.. and even all getting into a normal car is an ordeal. 4 is an ideal number off family members.

I’ve literally never heard anyone say that. And it certainly hasn’t been my experience- your old life is gone once you have any children, so two (or three or more) doesn’t really change that 🤷🏻‍♀️ in many ways I find it easier with more kids - they amuse each other while I get on with stuff. I wouldn’t go back to only having one if I could.

If you know you only want two children, I'd suggest you figure out your tolerance for vomit, poop, and sleep deprivation. The small vs large age gap is really just deciding whether you'd like it in one go or spread out.

If you do have a small age gap, the only thing worth warning you about is tandem BF; it burns way more calories than you'd expect. With a small age gap, maybe consider mixed or FF - or expect to spend a lot of time eating. With a large age gap, it doesn't matter if you BF or FF.

Depends on age gaps. I could still drop him into playschool when sister born. So I had a good break! Mam had 3 us small age gaps two years. Not easy. I have 2 kids

No-one ever said that to me!

I have two who are adults now.

My only advice would be to keep the age gap below 3 years, as then they will be much better friends with each other - this is based on my observations of family members.

@Roseburn

2 is easier than 1. They entertain each other.

Agree with this. It’s true in the end, certainly - although obviously harder to have two when they’re very small (under 2). I am very lucky that my two get on well, though!

Single mum to a 12 year old boy an 5 year old girl its really hard for a mixture of reasons obs there's only me an there age cap is big so trying to find stuff both can enjoy is hard go park older one bored go faor younger one can't go on much playing board games younger ones to easy for younger one an so on an given the age cap you would think they would get along a bit better but no alk they do is argu yonger wants to play with older but he doesn't play much any more trying to find the right balance is proving impossible at mo.

4 kids, two years between each. Going from 1 to 2 was the hardest transition but no regrets. Yes to what a pp said about how ever many you have, one less seems a doddle. DH and I frequently wonder what we ever complained about when we had one or two.. Our house is a lot of fun though and there is far less bickering than people imagine. They all really get along.

My second child was identical twins (totally random, it is only non-identical that run in families) so we went from 1 to 3.

I sometimes wonder whether dc1 would have been happier as an only child, as the twins had quite a big impact on dc1's life - but then a friend of mine with a troubled teen only child says she sometimes wonders whether her dc would have been happier with a sibling!

So while I can't comment on how hard it is going from 1 to 2, just bear in mind that the best laid plans don't always work out how you might expect! Oh, and I had hoped for a 2 year age gap, but it took nearly 3 years of actively ttc to get a viable pregnancy second time around despite no issues first time.

Going to 1 child is a big life change so I'm not sure why going to two would be the same, as you have already gone through that

Because not everyone finds having their first child hard, or it a big life change. There were occasional moments yes, but I found having one child easy. I honestly referred to maternity leave as a long holiday for me.

Having two was a lot more work though (2 under 2.) Again, not initially as I personally find babies really easy, but a mobile baby and a toddler, followed by a toddler and a preschooler is a whole new world.

Take something simple like a trip to the park. One child is easy. One and a tiny baby is ready. With two mobile ones, the 16m old toddles off in one direction, your 3 year old runs off in the other direction. You need to stay with the toddler, but obviously still have to supervise your 3 year old. 3 year old gets into troubke and is screaming for you. You pick up toddler and run across the park. Toddler is now also screaming as you took them away from what they were doing. You put them down to toddle whilst your rescue older one. Meanwhile, toddler has gone as far as they can in the opposite direction and is trying to climb up a slide, although there are kids trying to come down it. Your preschooler is pulling you backwards to stay because they have now got your attention and want you to play with them. Etc etc.

Or you are having lunch in a cafe. The preschooler announced they need the toilet NOW. With one, it's frustrating, but you just abandon food temporarily and go...

But you can't, as you have two. Your 1 year old is fingers & face deep in baked beans. You don't have time in the approximately 2 minutes before your preschooler wees themselves to clean up either and so you have the 1 year old under 1 arm, your preschooler under the other, and whilst you are assisting your preschooler on the loo, your 1 year old is busy painting their beany fingers everywhere. Or rubbing them on the toilet floor and trying to lick them, whilst you plead with them not to, whilst holding your preschooler in the big girl toilet seat.

Having one can seem hard because it's a lifestyle change. Having two IS hard because you're not an octopus.

Remember the trickiest stages with having a baby/toddler - say the sleep regression - no chance of a catch up nap in the day whilst baby sleeps because of your older one. Of if you are unlucky, a toddler sleep regression at the same time as a baby one. Or you might have one early riser and one late to bed child, so you are on the go from 5am -10pm...

Saying that, once the toddler years are over I think/hope 2 is easier than 1, but before then, yeah it's harder. You are doing two different and conflicting jobs simultaneously.

I have four and at the beginning it was 4 under 6. That was really hard work but to be honest I found having 3 harder than having 4. I do wish I'd thought more deeply about how expensive four teenagers would be though 🤦