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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I wish people warned us about having more children"

304 replies

Propercrimboselecta · 28/08/2020 16:43

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

OP posts:
lowlandLucky · 28/08/2020 17:42

My 3 are in their 30s now and i can honestly say 0-1 is life changing, 1-2 is fine but 2-3 is huge, not in how hard it is ( it is not) but it is as life changing as 0-1. Life is set up for families that consist of 2 adults and 2 children, hotels rarely have 3 childrens beds in a family room, cars never have a straight back seat but instead are designed for 2, attraction tickets are for 2+2.

Capsulate · 28/08/2020 17:46

@Jux

Interestingly, I only know 1 couple who stayed together after they'd had their second child. One. Out of hundreds! Otherwise every couple we know either has more children than 2 (in some cases lots more than 2), or have divorced.

We had both noticed this before we had even met. DH used to say when someone said they/their partner was expecting the 2nd that that was another couple on the way to breaking up.

Now, I don't happen to believe that it is as simple as that, in fact I know it's really really complicated and depends entirely on the strength and honesty of the couple involved. Too many thought that having another would strengthen their relationship, but it actually did the opposite.

So, I think if your relationship has cracks in it a second child will make them wider and more toxic, but if your relationship is honest and good then you will survive the second child and also any more after that.

This is definitely a thing, I think! The sticking plaster second baby thing. I remember reading about it before I fell pregnant with dc2. Probably part of the reason why I'd have been happy to stick at one, if we hadn't had a contraception fail 😂!

Although, the article I read was a female journalist who was the mum in this scenarion and she was quite insightful I thought. She said that the second baby just accelerated what was always going to happen anyway. So she was happy obviously to have the second baby and also not being with the wrong man anymore. Easy enough when you're financially stable though. Probably not so for everyone.

Caplin · 28/08/2020 17:46

I found 2 easier than 1. During lockdown and the red weather snow thing a couple of years ago, it was easier having 2. Friends with 1 found it tough working and entertaining a child.

TiniestFluffiestBunny · 28/08/2020 17:48

Two is hard. I have a 26 month gap, and it's only started feeling easier since around when the baby turned one - though this has been exacerbated by lockdown, I'm sure.

I don't regret having my second, though. If I could go back, I wouldn't change it at all.

Capsulate · 28/08/2020 17:48

@Caplin

I found 2 easier than 1. During lockdown and the red weather snow thing a couple of years ago, it was easier having 2. Friends with 1 found it tough working and entertaining a child.
Yes, I also found this to be true. One of our friends is a military wife who works full time from home, with one dc. She found it horrific during lockdown as obviously her dc couldn't meet up with other children at all.

I wouldn't base a big decision on lockdown though, as hopefully that won't happen too much from now on 🤞.

Velvian · 28/08/2020 17:51

Having heard, "having 2 is just as easy as 1", I was a rude awakening when we brought a baby DS home to 2YO DD. She was not at all impressed, cried every time he did and really regressed in sleeping at night. At the time we both said it was much more than twice the work.

That said, ever since they've been about 3 & 5 onwards, family life has been lovely. They are a real joy and it was definitely worth it. You have to be super strong as a couple and go really easy on each other during the baby and toddler years.

Jamhandprints · 28/08/2020 17:51

I love my 3 children so much but I often wish I only had one. Then I could give them all the attention they need. Now my attention is split between the 3 and i feel like they all miss out. The oldest probably the most, as the younger two are more demanding at the moment. I feel guilty that I "did that to" DS1, as he was such a delightfully happy boy before his ASD brother came along.

Arthersleep · 28/08/2020 17:52

I have two with a five year gap. First one started school and the second came along. Perfect. Quality time with both.

StateOfTheUterus · 28/08/2020 17:52

7 years between the first and second. The first year was a blur of sleepless nights and the guilt of not being able to do everything perfectly for DC1. Then followed the guilt of dragging the younger child to collect older child from his evening activities and an inability to get a decent routine for the younger one.

Thanks to lockdown life is much easier as no cubs, cadets, swimming or violin lessons to accommodate. Funny how things work out.

They have also got very close during lockdown and enjoy making each other laugh (and ganging up on me!).

So lots of stress but I wouldn’t change it.

OhToBeASeahorse · 28/08/2020 17:53

As someone with an almost 2 year old and a 34 week old bump this is reassuring!

liveitwell · 28/08/2020 17:53

I have twins and I feel now they're toddlers it's easier than having one as they play really nicely with each other for ages.

My nephew is an only child and he very much lacks social skills and tbh is very spoilt. Despite going to nursery although much of that is about his parents rather than being an only child probably.

It's a personal decision. How many kids you choose to have is no one else's business.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 28/08/2020 17:53

I have two with a three-year gap. I found the 2nd much easier as I was confident in my parenting skills- DD had survived intact for three years so I knew I could do it again.🤣

I do enjoy their different personalities and the relationships we have. DD (15) and I do a lot together and she confides in me- and says I understand what it’s like to be a teenager ( even though I was her age in the Dark Ages). DS (12) likes to tell me all about his activities/thoughts in great detail and is still my cuddly little boy in some ways...even though he’s almost as tall as me!

They have their own relationships with DH, of course. It’s a nice dynamic for our family.

GoldenOmber · 28/08/2020 17:53

My theory: people seem to gravitate towards a 2-year age gap, so they're deciding on whether or not to have two children when they have a 1-year-old who slots into their new lives quite well. "We didn't know how hard two children would be" = "we didn't know how hard a toddler would be to adapt to while dealing with pregnancy and then a newborn."

Thomasina79 · 28/08/2020 17:54

There are so many variables. Mine are all grown up now, but three could be challenging, I think partly because different age groups have such differing needs/interests etc (think teenager, primary school age and toddler).

I was surprised at baby number three, as I’d had been happy with two. However he has grown up so amazing I am proud to call him my son.

If it’s what you want then go for it

Oysterbabe · 28/08/2020 17:55

I had 2 under 2. It was fine. Now that they're a bit older then 2 is easier than 1, they entertain eachother.

Mrsmadevans · 28/08/2020 17:57

l had 2 very close together , got the sleepless nights , weaning, potty training , nursery, etc etc all out of the way in 4 years , best thing l ever did .

MsTSwift · 28/08/2020 17:58

To be fair some people’s kids are a bloody nightmare so for them having kids will be harder.

Theterrible42s · 28/08/2020 17:58

It is more exhausting in some ways, but for me 1-2 was way more straightforward than 0-1, it's so much less of a shock. My second was extremely chilled out though.
A few years down the line and they absolutely love each other, watching their relationship develop is my greatest joy (there's bickering too obviously). I've never even for one second regretted having 2; I do regret not trying for a third a couple of years ago.

Notashandyta · 28/08/2020 17:58

We had three under three and by far I found the hardest having one! He was a tri key baby tho!

Ours are 3, nearly 5 and 6 and all get on really well. It was very very tough for a couple of years and I couldn't have done it with a crap OH. Totally paid off tho, they are all best buds.

For what it's worth, for us the easiest bit was having two before the third came along.

MsEllany · 28/08/2020 17:59

I went from 0 to 2 and that was hard, but mat leave was mat leave to be spent how I liked (within reason of course!).

When DS3 came along, there was toddlers needing to be get up and fed, to be ferried to nursery and then latterly to pre-school. And herding the three of them to get groceries wasn't fun.

So for me, adding another child was more difficult, having to deal with night waking of potentially two children plus early mornings - is it obvious I'm not a morning person?!

mumof2exhausted · 28/08/2020 18:01

I’ve not had anyone say anything like that to me. But then everyone I know has at least 2 kids. Obviously having more than 1 is going to be harder work in some ways but the joy is more as well. Personally I’d be advising people against having just 1 child. Can’t imagine not having my 3

mrsBtheparker · 28/08/2020 18:02

Best advice I recall was Don't let them outnumber you, so we stuck at 2!

Lazysundayafternoons · 28/08/2020 18:03

I have a 6 year gap between my two (they are 7 and 1).
It was a blessing to have the age gap in many ways. The only downside was that we had got used to a nice easy comfortable life once ds1 was past the toddler stage, we had a good easy 2 years and then all of a sudden we were back to mayhem again. Looking forward to things being easier again in another couple of years.

Emma1962 · 28/08/2020 18:05

I wouldn’t say it’s harder but I would definitely have more money & time if we only had one! I’ve 2 girls who have an age gap of 3.5 years & they are so different. I wouldn’t be without either of them but my youngest is harder work than my eldest was at her age.

BiBabbles · 28/08/2020 18:07

I remember those comments, first it was never have kids, then it was don't have a second, then it was about how terrible having a third was...

I imagine 2 under 2 would be a bigger strain that farther apart, pregnancy and little ones are a big drain on the body and mind. Many places recommend waiting at least 18 months before TTC again, others say at least 12-18 months depending on different personal factors. People will balance their own risks and benefits, but I can see that being a factor if people find 2 close together very difficult just as stories of people having them much farther apart (10+ years) have their own unique challenges.