"I wish people warned us about having more children"

[Propercrimboselecta]

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

I had a 15 month old son when I fell pregnant again, so he was two when I had my daughter. I never had any problems going from 1 to 2. They used to play happily together ( most of the time ) and have grown up and are very close, they are now adults. You must make your own mind up and decide if you want a second child, no- one can decide for you. I personally have no regrets at all.

Ive never heard that, and i would never say that either.

We have two together (DH has two close in age from 20 years before ours). 2.5 years apart and they're brilliant friends. It's not always the case, of course, but just the thought of it being just one or the other makes me sad, as they are so good for each other. And I was one of 4 and we had/still have a brilliant relationship. But not all siblings get along!

People also say that about the first baby!

It depends what stage they're at too. I don't know anyone with kids aged 5+ who said they'd wished they'd stuck at 1.

@Roseburn

2 is easier than 1. They entertain each other.

Not necessarily...sometimes they just spend their lives winding each other up.

@BabyLlamaZen

People also say that about the first baby!

It depends what stage they're at too. I don't know anyone with kids aged 5+ who said they'd wished they'd stuck at 1.

Hi. waves Pleased to meet you.

As PP have said, going from 1 to 2 was much easier than adjusting to 1. I had my third when DS was 5 and DD was 3. The 5 yr age gap made activities tricky as they got older and particularly after DH left us when DD2 was 2. As a single parent, you can't take 3 kids under 8 to a swimming pool. Going to see films other than U and PG is tricky, too, until the youngest is 12, by which time the older ones want to see 15s.
There are no guarantees whether they'll all get on, either as children or adults. Thankfully 1 & 3 and 2 & 3 are good friends now, but that's taken til their late teens/early 20s to achieve. Oh, and one I'd never given a thought to when it mattered: try not to mix raising teenagers with the menopause!

IME it gets'easier with each one.
I found having just one the hardest as you are their sole entertainment.
The more you have, the more they play together.
We had 3 in 4 years. The last 2 are 12 months apart and more like twins really.

I think it depends on circumstances and the personalities of DC. My NDN two children have always been sleepers / quite placid even from babies (sleeping for hours from being 6 weeks old). My DS still doesn't sleep and he's 7. I'm lucky if he goes to sleep by 9-9.30 and he's awake at 6.30

I have three and its fine. The age difference was almost five when second was born then 1st child was eight and 2nd was three when third was born.

I dont agree. I have four and only noticed the jump in responsibility when I went from 3 to four kids.

If you have one child, you cant be spontaneous, holidays are harder, cars, car seats all of that is no different with two. Over two its constant clubs, washing, feeding a army. You get logistical harder to attend parents eve, concerts if they all fall at the same time. But it's the same with 1 or 2 or 3. With 4 it's like juggling octopus but with a few years in between age gaps it's a lot easier.

Two was a doddle

I had no difficulties with 2, but then I did wait until the first had left home before having the second

I have three, while it is definitely a lot more running around and a lot larger mental load, I actually find it easier having the three of them. When it’s just me and one of them 1-1 they seem to regress, are completely unable to occupy themselves, constantly demand my attention etc. The three together entertain each other though and that’s definitely a heck of a lot easier!

When we had our first, I had a mini nervous breakdown. I found the responsibility crushing. Then we had two under two, and to be honest it became much easier. Having a third later on was a bit harder as he had a lot of medical problems. But to be honest, after the shock of the first one, we could have done a whole football team.

I had three children under 4 . It was hard and sometimes I wondered what the hell I had done. They are all teens now and it is definitely much easier.

Everyone and every family is different. I had the first at 35 and having been independent for years and years I found the transition from 0 to 1 incredibly hard. My time and my body were no longer my own and having a baby altered everything about my very being. Friends seemed to take to it like ducks to water. However I still desperately wanted another. DS was 3.5 when she was born and I expected it to be unprecedentedly difficult. But it wasn't. I knew what to do with her and that nothing would be perfect. The new baby was like a chihuahua in a handbag and I knew what to do and what to expect. Babies cry, are sick, explode nappies and one's grown up wings are clipped. Admittedly there was not much time and I am still aghast 22 years later at the impact of one tiny baby on laundry. But it was fine and joyful. I would say that 1-2 was much easier emotionally than 0-1. My expectations had possibly become more realistic especially as ds1 was far and away the easier baby!

Do what you feel comfortable with op.

Having a 2nd is easier in many regards because you know what to expect, the absolute devastation of your previously childless life has already been done and you’ve rebuilt and found some balance. So second time around is easier in many ways HOWEVER what is not easy is the practicality of two with a close gap.

Example - trying to get a young one to nap when you also have a toddler. You cannot leave the toddler but your baby doesn’t like to nap anywhere but the bed or the pram so you usually walk them early on in the morning so baby can nap in the pram - fine until it’s pissing down with rain or you are unwell or toddler wants to stop and inspect every single stone and baby won’t nap unless they have continuous movement in the pram.... And then repeat this type of scenario for afternoon naps and any other naps! The gold standard is to try and coordinate them of course, but that is almost impossible and you’ll get one dY out of 10 where that happens.

There are tons of other logistical things like this which make young, close gap children REALLY FUCKING HARD WORK

I am hoping that it gets easier and they get older and they aren’t as dependent on me. Having two who are still heavily dependent is really hard emotionally, physically, practically.... I never ever ever get a break from just being needed constantly!

I envy those mums who seem to find it all really easy - you’re lucky. I find it so hard

I had 2 under 2 and if you asked me at that time i would have said the same thing. It was a hard time for us. Second child was extremely difficult and required a lot of our attention as a baby. First child also became more difficult around that time, probably because he wasnt getting enough attention. He was such an easy baby, so we didnt expect any difficulties with a 2nd.
DH and i were at breaking point, because we both didnt handle it well. It was chaotic and really stressful for 2 years. After that it got better.
Kids are 6 and 4.5 now and its amazing having 2 and so close in age.
Now our family situation is perfect and im glad we powered through and DH and i came out the other side stronger than ever. But it wasnt an easy time for us.
My best friend had the opposite though. Very difficult first baby and a very easy 2nd. So i think it just depends on luck.

the biggest disruption is havig your first. A second wont have the same impact.

I think it’s harder to have more than one the further you space the children out. I had my four in 6yrs start to finish and found after the last one was toilet trained that it was very fun time until teen years. The problem with one child is you have to entertain them constantly, or they are playing by themself and you feel guilty. But with brothers/sisters all only a year or two apart to play with, I find I had more free time to myself than other mothers with only one child or more than one but too far apart in age to play with each other.

But having four teenagers almost killed me dead. The drama this house has seen. Thank god it only lasted a year and a half!

It’s so much easier having more than one child in my opinion, they play together and are company, I couldn’t imagine what lockdown would of been like if I had an only child. I would say the first month is hard adjusting to two children but after that it’s a doddle compared to one child.

We had three within 5 years which was great, then a six year gap until number 4. Worst decision I have ever made.

I had 2 under 2 and I actually found the reverse was true. People looked at me in horror when I said I was pregnant again, told me it would be hell on earth. It was fine, I didn’t find it that much harder than having one child and it’s probably easier now they are 1 and 3 as they entertain each other.

We have three. It's great fun and I wouldn't have it any other way. Like all the best adventures, it isn't all plain sailing all the time but I find it deeply rewarding.

Anyway, it is plainly obvious to anyone with two braincells to rub together that having multiple children could be tiring or a bit tricky. Surely that doesn't require a warning any more than a trek up a mountain would need one to tell you that it will get a little steep?

It’s hard when theyre babies but now they’re older, they hang out together and play or watch a film. I can be in the background doing my own thing. Much easier.