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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I wish people warned us about having more children"

304 replies

Propercrimboselecta · 28/08/2020 16:43

Didn't know what else to put as the title, but we have received this advice from quite a few people now...
We have one child and have always said we would like two. We have plenty of time for others and aren't giving serious consideration to another any time soon (we have both said in maybe 4/5 years), but at the moment we do enjoy how things are with having one.

When discussing with others (when everyone asks if we have plans for others) everyone seems to say the same thing - I wish people warned us how hard it would be having more than one, we wouldn't have had more if we knew, etc.

I was just wondering how other people felt about this? I'm not sure if it relates more to people that have had 2 under 2 etc.

OP posts:

Sailingblue · 28/08/2020 17:26

It depends what stage really. I’ve found 2 under 4 very hard. I’m hoping it will get easier as the younger one gets older and can play with the older one more. I found it hard to meet different needs but my experience is also coloured by lockdown which heightened everything.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 28/08/2020 17:26

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

I have a different theory

Which is that those saying "I wish people had warned me about having 2/3/6" would be saying "oh its so hard just having one" if they'd decided not to have more.

I think it's this.

Though how the kids will get on isn't something you can control - making sure they're polite and considerate to one another is something you can do but actually like each other is beyond control.

Having our close together though hard work - worked really well less well between eldest and youngest past year or so more but that's I think a teen and tweenager and hopefully will pass with time.

feistyoneyouare · 28/08/2020 17:27

FFS @honeygirlz isn't anyone allowed to ask for experiences or opinions any more?? Sheesh.

SummerHouse · 28/08/2020 17:27

Two is easier than one for me from age 2 and 4. They are now 8 and 10 and best friends and brothers in arms. I thank my lucky stars every day. They are beautiful people individually but absolutely amazing siblings.

I guess it's different with a 4 plus year age gap. I think once we were done with nappies that was not something I could imagine going back to.

Nicknamegoeshere · 28/08/2020 17:27

I have three - 13, 10 and 3 months. My fiancé just has the one (our baby). No regrets but my older two definitely don't entertain the baby!!

amusedbush · 28/08/2020 17:28

@Roseburn

2 is easier than 1. They entertain each other.

Only if they are similar in age. DB is 6 years younger than me and we wanted nothing to do with each other until he was well into his teens as our interests were just too different.

oakleaffy · 28/08/2020 17:28

One child is easy- my DH wanted a second, but I did research and asked adult onlies, and they loved it!
One child fits in, travelling is easy, and am so glad we just had the one.

I was asked “ What is your reason for considering another?” And the honest response was
“ in case anything happens to DC 1”

I was told that a second child wouldn’t ease any grief, and that was a poor reason.

DC was so good and easy, I didn’t want to risk having another that might not be as sweet tempered.
If you are happy with just one, why rock the boat?!

msflibble · 28/08/2020 17:30

People who say this aren't thinking very long-term. From about age 5 my brother was my consistent playmate and we've stayed close all our lives. We've kept each other amused through many family holidays, weddings and other events and we were there for each other during university. I'm sure our parents would have had to pay way more attention to an only child.

As a parent I personally didn't find having 2 much more difficult than having 1 tbh. Three, I think, would be another matter. But it depends on your situation and on the children in question I guess.

QueenofmyPrinces · 28/08/2020 17:31

I have two and I’m so so glad we didn’t stop at one. The relationship they have is amazing, they have ridiculous amounts of fun together and me and my husband love watching them grow and play together. Their brotherly antics have us in stitches every day. They love each other so much and my heart melts when I see them being affectionate with each other.

Bit blimey.......their episodes of bickering can be hard work!!! Today I have felt like shutting them both in the shed so I don’t have to listen to them argue with each other

Seriously though - we have absolutely no regrets about having more than one child.

formerbabe · 28/08/2020 17:31

I also look into the future and think of wider family implications. My friends parents were both only children. Friend consequently hasno aunts, uncles or cousins growing up. My parents died quite young...I'm very grateful for my sibling and their family

RandomUser3049 · 28/08/2020 17:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Piglet89 · 28/08/2020 17:33

@merrytombombadil

“I had this - I actually found 0-1 okay...lots of time to drink coffee with friends and watch homes under the hammer.”

This entirely depends on the child. My maternity leave with my pretty hyperactive, inquisitive son was just not this kind of gig. It nearly broke me and I’m so much happier now I am back to work.

PaperMonster · 28/08/2020 17:34

A couple of people who have big families have said to me that going from one to two was worse than going from two to three or three to four.

RandomUser3049 · 28/08/2020 17:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Parkermumma07 · 28/08/2020 17:34

Defiantly easier going from 1-2 than 0-1 my life changed beyond recognition after baby number 1. But by the time baby 2 came along I had settled into being a mummy and felt like baby 2 just slotted into the life we had already carved out after having baby 1.

Capsulate · 28/08/2020 17:36

We had a really easy second baby. Really difficult time with dc1. We always say if we'd had dc2 first, we would have thought parenting was soooooo easy and had another one straight away! But dc1 was hard going. If we had a baby like dc1 was second, after an easy baby, I think I'd probably slightly think "why didn't anyone warn me"???

But it's actually quite a stupid thing to say, as nobody knows what sort of time you'll have with your dc2 if you have one. You could have a really easy baby or not. And there is definitely something in the whole two is easier than one in the long run, as otherwise you have to be playmate and parent quite a lot of the time, whereas with two, I find they genuinely do entertain each other. Also they are unbelievably cute together when they're giggling or running towards each other for a cuddle. They are 2 and 5.

That said, one is easier than two in other ways when they're young and probably much cheaper when they're older.

You may get siblings who support each other into adulthood or you might get siblings who hate each other.

So, basically, you have to decide if you really want another child.

I probably would have been happy to stop at one, but we had an unexpected pregnancy and decided to carry on with it. Dh always wanted at least two.

catsarecute · 28/08/2020 17:37

We've only got one, for a few reasons. My friend (who has two) said that going from one to two isn't twice as hard, it's more than twice as hard, as they are both at different stages so you have to think about differing needs. I guess that wouldn't apply to twins though! I wouldn't say that's a reason not to have more though, obviously just a point of view to factor in with your decision making. There's no right or wrong answers here.

Emeeno1 · 28/08/2020 17:37

Six here, normal ups and downs of family life, never really thought about if it is hard or not, it just is.

Sunnyhopefulness · 28/08/2020 17:37

It varies - I had 2 under 2 and I had to be very organised . They’ve always entertained one another - best friends but also worse enemies . I was an only and I was pretty lonely . When my 2 are best friends it’s brilliant

AriesTheRam · 28/08/2020 17:39

We are one and done.Its much easier than juggling several kids.

OhdearSummersOver · 28/08/2020 17:39

Strange title thread

Everyone is different. One is too much for many and others cope and get on with several... depends on priorities/leisure.finances/family help/how organised you are etc etc

Porcupineinwaiting · 28/08/2020 17:40

2 years bw mine and the first year was tough. After that it was easier than having 1 (in many ways) I think.

MotherofPickles · 28/08/2020 17:40

When no. 2 was under a year old then, yes, it was tough and I did on occasion wonder what on earth is done. But now, it's great and I'm so glad we had another child.

They're now 2 years 8 months and just over 5 years old and they're really good friends. Mine squabble occassionally, maybe once every few days, but most of the time they either play happily together. They also genuinely seem to care for one another and will run over and check the other is ok, offering hugs and kisses if the other gets hurt or is sad. DD learns a lot from DS and really looks up to him. It's a lot harder getting jobs done when DS is at school as I'm DD's only entertainment. I love having two, so much so I'd happily have another one or two children (DH less so ) but if that ever happens I'll come back to you and maybe three/four would be one too many! But at the moment, they're delightful and I love having a house with lots of kids in.

The kids telle they want another sibling too, even though I've told them I'd have less time for them if we did. My DS said, "don't worry, Mummy. I like playing with" DD's name" more than you"

Jux · 28/08/2020 17:41

Interestingly, I only know 1 couple who stayed together after they'd had their second child. One. Out of hundreds! Otherwise every couple we know either has more children than 2 (in some cases lots more than 2), or have divorced.

We had both noticed this before we had even met. DH used to say when someone said they/their partner was expecting the 2nd that that was another couple on the way to breaking up.

Now, I don't happen to believe that it is as simple as that, in fact I know it's really really complicated and depends entirely on the strength and honesty of the couple involved. Too many thought that having another would strengthen their relationship, but it actually did the opposite.

So, I think if your relationship has cracks in it a second child will make them wider and more toxic, but if your relationship is honest and good then you will survive the second child and also any more after that.

Kidneybingo · 28/08/2020 17:42

I found that two was much harder than one once they were a bit older, say 8 and 11 upwards. They never, ever wanted to do the same things and I'd look at my friends many of whom have just one, and that aspect looked so easy.

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