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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

410 replies

Youzam · 28/08/2020 14:04

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

OP posts:
Roussette · 29/08/2020 11:56

@Alwaysinpain

I know that, honestly I do! I hope you manage to have a restful day with your little one Smile

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/08/2020 11:57

I genuinely wasn't hinting for birthday greetings! I've just realised that's how it reads 😬

Not at all. I think a lot of us are a bit nonplussed at a grown adult insisting on such a palaver, especially when it happens to fall on an established celebratory day and there are kids around. But an acknowledgement, even if it's just a card, is always appreciated.

Have a lovely birthday! Flowers

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 29/08/2020 12:02

Probably stating the obvious but can you not go to her?

That would be even worse though as Mr Grumpy Pants would have free reign to make the whole day about him and enact his ridiculous performance of opening presents deliberately slowly, and OP and her kids would be miserable.

I do agree with posters who’ve suggested that you actually tell your Mum why they’re never invited though. She’s either weirdly oblivious to the fact that she let him spoil all your childhood Christmases or she’s swept it under the rug and assumes it would be fine for him to act this way at yours. I’d give her a chance to decide if she’d rather prioritise his birthday ego or Christmas with her daughter and grandkids, she might surprise you.

Littlemissdaredevil · 29/08/2020 12:19

Tbh it sounds like any day of the the year his birthday would be insufferable. Birthday lists, banners, etc. Why can’t he celebrate at the weekend like most adults. I’ve got three immediate family members with birthdays between 23rd and 29th December so I sympathise how crap it is to have a birthday around Christmas (I imagine Christmas Day would be even worse). However, I don’t understand what is wrong with having a cake and signing happy birthday then spending the other 23 hours and 45 mins of Christmas Day celebrating Christmas then going out for a nice meal or trip to celebrate his birthday on the 27th. He’s is an adult but doesn’t seem to act like one

maras2 · 29/08/2020 12:32

I can't help but imagine a 'mash up' book.
The Grinch who's birthday stole Christmas Smile
He sounds a proper PIA. Don't pander to him.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/08/2020 15:09

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen

Probably stating the obvious but can you not go to her?

That would be even worse though as Mr Grumpy Pants would have free reign to make the whole day about him and enact his ridiculous performance of opening presents deliberately slowly, and OP and her kids would be miserable.

I do agree with posters who’ve suggested that you actually tell your Mum why they’re never invited though. She’s either weirdly oblivious to the fact that she let him spoil all your childhood Christmases or she’s swept it under the rug and assumes it would be fine for him to act this way at yours. I’d give her a chance to decide if she’d rather prioritise his birthday ego or Christmas with her daughter and grandkids, she might surprise you.

Hmm. True!

Its a bit odd. My birthday is near Christmas. Last birthday was celebrated on 31st January!

ThousandsAreSailing · 29/08/2020 15:14

I wouldn't host him and I would tell my mother why. She made her choice and, presumably, pander to him. She let him ruin Christmases for you why should you subject your children to the same
I'm Confused about how many women on here seem to think you should fuss around a pathetic man child. I'll bet he is a pain in the arse at all times if he acts like that on his birthday /Xmas day
I do think you should tell your mother the hard truth though

Scarriff · 29/08/2020 17:32

You dont like him. Guess you Mum knows that. He probably does too. Why not bite the bullet then? Say you are delighted to host Christmas dinner. We have ours about five or six Oclock and dress up for it. Appreciate the birthday boy might like to do something else first. Then stay the night so everyone can have a drink, nice walk on Boxing Day. Left overs lunch. Bye bye. Easy peasy. Think of your Mum. Xx

ittakes2 · 29/08/2020 17:39

It sounds like you don’t like him and he does sound selfish. But I am curious - if one of your children was born on Christmas Day would you really make them celebrate their birthday on another day so not to ‘ruin’ Christmas for others in the family?

roarfeckingroarr · 29/08/2020 18:08

@ittakes2 I think the point would be in that case it's a child, not a grown man in his 70s

UglyBoy19 · 29/08/2020 18:16

You are not vile or selfish, you are realistic I’m not wanting To spend a public holiday sucking up to an add on to your family.

Tinkerbell1980 · 29/08/2020 19:21

I'd tell my mum that they are more than welcome, but you'd only be celebrating Christmas, because it's all about your children. I'd be very clear that they could arrive in time for Christmas lunch, so they can celebrate his birthday together in the morning. It would all be about Christmas after that & you'll let them decide if that's acceptable.

Tinkerbell1980 · 29/08/2020 19:23

...you don't want your DCs Christmas to be like your childhood Christmases x

mbosnz · 29/08/2020 19:34

@allOfficialLurker, your wish is my command. The thread is set up. . .

FelicisNox · 29/08/2020 19:58

YANBU but come on... you're an adult so have the conversation with your mum.

What IS it with grown adults who cannot communicate??

Just tell her: I would love to have you for the day but I don't have the stamina to host for days on end and Christmas day is about ALL of us not just your DH so unless you're happy to book into a hotel and he is happy with a cake and 3 cheers (and that's it) I won't be putting an invitation out because it's just too much hard work.
His DD wants to have him and make a fuss so she's welcome to him, sorry mum.

Whycantibetangy · 29/08/2020 21:59

Can you not just stick a few candles in the Christmas pudding and sing “we wish you a merry birthday” ?

I share a birthday with my dd so no longer get to have a dedicated special day, but you know what, thats ok cos I’m a grown up who still gets to have a bouncy castle and musical chairs Grin

di2004 · 29/08/2020 22:55

I can see where you’re coming from .. he likes a fuss, but at the end of the day it’s Christmas and he seems to be hijacking the whole event!

It’s unreasonable of him ( and your mum) to expect the whole day celebrating his birthday. Just call round, spend a good hour or so wishing a happy birthday, then get back to normality!

tillytown · 30/08/2020 00:02

Scarriff and Whycantibetangy if you had read all the ops posts you would know why she can't do that.

Shizzlestix · 30/08/2020 00:22

I’m one of those weirdos that quite likes to have a celebration of some sort on her birthday-usually a meal out and a present. However, if there were dc around and it was Christmas Day, I would not even mention it! That trumps a birthday, IMO. Christmas is magical, special when there are dc around.

I think, as pp have said, this is more about your feelings for your stepfather. You don’t like him and you’re worried your mum is with him for not very good reasons. I also think you resent that your mum didn’t stop him being a twat about this when you were a child. Why do you think she let him ruin Christmas for you? (By the sounds of it, anyway)

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 30/08/2020 09:32

I would be blunt.

'Mum, you let him ruin all our Christmases as children. All of them. He never gave two shits about any of us, but you still let him ruin all our Christmases because they had to be about him. He didn't even fucking live with us, but you still let him come in on Christmas day and ruin everything every single year. I'll be damned if I'll let him do that to my children's Christmases. You can come if you like, but he is not welcome. He can ruin his own daughter's Christmas."

OngoingOmnishambles · 30/08/2020 10:05

Moving forward OP you need to plan your Christmases so you are not available.

waitingforachange · 30/08/2020 10:47

I would just keep swerving the conversation and keep the status quo. Nothing will be gained from being honest I suspect but tension and it won't change anything.

Tinkerbell1980 · 30/08/2020 12:43

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

I would be blunt.

'Mum, you let him ruin all our Christmases as children. All of them. He never gave two shits about any of us, but you still let him ruin all our Christmases because they had to be about him. He didn't even fucking live with us, but you still let him come in on Christmas day and ruin everything every single year. I'll be damned if I'll let him do that to my children's Christmases. You can come if you like, but he is not welcome. He can ruin his own daughter's Christmas."

^ this
Redlocks28 · 30/08/2020 12:46

@HunterHearstHelmsley

Probably stating the obvious but can you not go to her?
Exactly.

Anyone who hinted that they would like a social event of their choice but I had to host it, wouldn’t get their own way!

Why doesn’t she do Christmas?

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2020 12:56

But going to her would mean all the children have to go along with the adult birthday extravaganza taking half the day. Or at the very least it would be much more confrontational to say children run along and play with your presents, I know x says you can’t yet but it’s Christmas.