To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

Will he eventually grow up?? Men like him - self-centered, giving too much importance to themselves, are unbearable. I mean... really? My Dad's birthday is on the 1st Jan and he couldn't care less about it. Growing up, it was just us trying to make the NY day special for him, while he was doing everything he could to make it special for us! Just say no, or if you host them, a Happy Birthday should suffice. Let him live with it.

@mbosnz I’m so glad someone actually read my posts 😂👏🏻

@Youzam

Because whether you like it or not, and you clearly don't, he is part of your immediate family. Your mum wants to spend Christmas for once with her own family, not his every year. That must be pretty hard on her knowing that you're rejecting them coming over every year for a simple matter of you don't want to celebrate her husbands birthday.

Like I said though would you be happy if your child ignored your birthday? Feel a little bit of empathy for him because his kid did that to him.

Heh. People can be really bloody funny about Christmas. And about birthdays. And about families.

And women are supposed to turn themselves inside out and in bloody knots, trying to make sure that everybody else has an absolutely swimming time. Regardless of what utter fucking prats they are.

@KeepingPlain I am not his child and he is not part of my immediate family.

I don’t blame you OP. I always found grown adults who expect a lot of fuss to be made on their birthdays a bit sad and pathetic to be honest.
And sulking I just don’t tolerate.
Who does he think he is, the second Jesus?

No, he's not part of her immediate family. He's the man that her mother chose to marry and impose on her children, and that made no effort to become one with the family.

It was pretty hard on OP, having his birthday imposed on the family's Christmas, year after year.

She's not prepared to enable the manipulation to be imposed on her family as well.

He's not acting great by sulking if a fuss isn't made, but imagine if your child just completely ignored your birthday?
Really?!

I'm all for having a quick celebration of my birthday (and I'm probably a similar age) but come on.... spending hours opening his presents while everyone sits rounds getting bored?
My birthday is special (for various reasons won't go into here) BUT my family comes first and Christmas with my family takes precedence.

I also dont get this weird righteous and pious anger on MN about adults wanting to celebrate their birthday- so he wants one day to be about him?- whats the big deal? I dont get all this scorn and criticism just because an adult fancies having a good day on their birthday

I'm old. I've had a lot of birthdays. What matters is those younger than me. I get lovely handmade cards from my adult kids, lots of warmth, special presents... in 10 minutes it's over. What's with these adults making it all about them all day?

@Grandmi

Why is it such a big deal . Just have a birthday cake instead of a Christmas cake at tea time ...it really is so simple! Your mothers husband has had to have his birthday hijacked by Christmas all his life ! It’s a shame that you have never hosted them for Christmas .Probably explains the heavy hints from your Mum.If I was your Mum I would be deeply hurt ....how many lovely Christmas days did she give you over your childhood!!

You could've just written 'I cba to rtft' and it would've saved you some time.

@demelza82

Some of these responses

YANBU - grown-ass adults who expect a massive fuss on their birthday (on any day) and then SULK if they don't get it need to give their head a wobble. So childish and self-involved

This!

I haven't read all posts, but what kind of adult expects a big fuss on their birthday? Particularly if it's not a milestone one. It's lovely to receive cards and a few pressies, but 'fuss'? No. I sympathise OP as I have a prat of a step-father who I have had to host every Christmas for 26 years. I can't stand him and he has tainted every Christmas for me. I always sit him between DM and me as I don't want to inflict him on anybody else, so I have to stomach his disgusting manners and know-it-all conversation every year, while paying for the privilege and doing all the work.

Can’t believe you give him his card and present after his birthday. As far as I’m concerned I want my birthday card on my birthday not after. Present not so much as it can be appreciated after the event but I always get cards and presents to people before their day if I’m not going to see them. I think expecting a party is a bit much but how much effort would it be to get a cake , sing happy birthday and make a bit of fuss.

What say you people actually read what Brian requires/demands/expects/ throws a tanty if he doesn't get/ for his birthday?

On Christmas Day.

From someone he's made no effort to treat as family, but now expects to behave in the manner to which he's become accustomed.

Who flippin' wants 'a bit of a fuss' on their birthday? It's beyond me. As long as my (adult) children and my DH remembers me, it's all over and done with by 9am! (And they are so so inventive and lovely with their presents and good wishes)
My emphasis is not on me.
Who are these precious people that need banners, cakes, opening presents taking hours to do, singing happy birthday and all of that?
Bonkers

What say you people actually read what Brian requires/demands/expects/ throws a tanty if he doesn't get/ for his birthday?

Don't be ridiculous!

YANBU OP he sounds selfish and immature. It's a shame you miss spending the day with your mum though but I understand why you don't want to make a fuss over her husband and have to celebrate his birthday!

It's a shame you didn't have a "family tradition" where your mum goes to you and he goes to his daughter for Christmas.

I've got no sympathy for adults who expect their birthday to be so over the top anyway tbh, it's tedious.

Who flippin' wants 'a bit of a fuss' on their birthday?
all the posters starting sobbing threads because of the lack of such fuss for a start...

I do want "a fuss".
I can make my birthday last a whole week if I book the right holiday! It's great.

I wouldn't be so rude as demand anything if I was invited somewhere, I just would be very hurt if my own family forgot about it.

On the other hand, as an adult, you can refuse to get involved in an "opening presents" ceremony and move on to other things. When it's your home, you do what you want.

so he wants one day to be about him?- whats the big deal?

One day? I.e. Christmas day.

When he's a septuagenarian. And the OP has young kids. And he's not her parent, or their grandparent.

Evidently he hasn't got the memo, even at his advanced time of life. It's not all about him.

He sounds like hard work, he's a grown man, not
a child. Invite them, do a birthday breakfast, sing happy birthday and do his presents, then move on to Christmas day properly and don't mention it again. If he wants a cake your mother can arrange it for the evening as an after lunch treat. Be clear on your timetable for the day and stick to it, make it clear birthday cake is your mother's problem. No banners or balloons

Goodness you're mean @Youzam.

I wouldn't be so rude as demand anything if I was invited somewhere, I just would be very hurt if my own family forgot about it

So would I !
But as long as those closest to me remembers, that's fine. But it doesn't take all day. I'm too old for all that sort of nonsense

@tara66

It is just unfortunate for people whose birthday is on or near Christmas Day. They either think they have less or actually do get less than others. Just one of those things. But most men I have know never fussed about their birthdays whenever it was. All the celebrations and presents of birthdays are for children really IMHO. A grown man can seem silly.

I don't think that they get much less attention tbh. People with birthdays on ordinary days can't have a big celebration on the actual day because everybody will be going to work or school.

That’s so true. I don’t often celebrate my birthday on the day either because we’re usually juggling work/ school/ other commitments. I pick a day near my birthday, usually the Saturday after and we celebrate then. I really don’t see the big deal.

I think you should just tell your mum why you haven’t invited them...be honest with her.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I’d not be interested in entertaining his silly demanding birthday either, stupid man.

@OngoingOmnishambles

Mbosnz I've read your post now and you are dead right. I need to take back control of my Christmas.

This is my favourite comment. You are an adult with your own home and family. You should be making your own family traditions. Good for you! Xx