To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

@mbosnz - please do set up a thread in Xmas! I’ll be there in a flash. I’ve been nodding in agreement to all your posts. We’ve done the same as you for the last few years - the kids love it & my DH & I both love it! Christmas was always such a stressful time as a child and I love our laid back family time now. One year a relative asked if they could join us when we saw them for New Year’s Eve, as they loved the sound of the Xmas we had just had. Yes, I said, more than welcome but just be aware we have a very chilled unplanned day letting the kids play with their toys & other presents because that’s all they want to do. Oh great they say... then before the end of January - yes January! They were calling up to discuss the format they thought the time the day should take and what time the afternoon walk should start and who should play which board games. Now I do love a board game and we often play them over Xmas but we don’t plan them in January... I subtly suggested maybe they’d be happier hosting Christmas their way at theirs and we’d stick to our unplanned relaxed day! We met for New Year’s Eve again instead at theirs so they could have it all mapped out...which I was fine to fit in at theirs.

@Youzam - as someone who’s childhood Xmas were as awful as yours for different reasons, I would definitely recommend making sure you make your children and you the focus of your Xmases now.

I’m shocked at how many people think you’re unreasonable op. Would I fuck be pandering to any adult like that! A cake, sing happy birthday and a toast to them at dinner - all fine . But all that crap? No way. Bonkers.

This is a complete non issue for your H. He's like, 'Guy's a dick, I don't want him around. The end.' If he told a group of men the same thing you told us, not a single one would probably tell him to suck it up, that's he's inflexible, unkind, blah blah blah. Just roll their eyes about his being a dick, say, 'yeah, right, don't invite them,' and move on.

So you know what? Be like that. Either tell her to stop hinting and you're not inviting them and why or just ignore and move on and stop letting it give you another moment's bother.

She can pander to him as much as she wants but she doesn't get to make you do it.

YANBU. But I would vote for telling your mum why you don't want them for Christmas. Then she won't spend the rest of her life hoping for something that just isn't going to happen.

Put her out of her misery. (Might be interesting for her to gain an insight into how others view her husband's behaviour.)

And stick to your guns.

YANBU OP.
Your Christmas is more important than his birthday. Not a problem singing Happy Birthday, cake, cards, banners and prezzies beside Christmas celebrations but not instead.

I’d tell your mother why they are not invited.

Any adult sulking because they didn’t get what they wanted should grow up. Sadly they are usually so self absorbed they can’t/don’t want to see their selfishness.

My MIL is all for celebrating birthday, I prefer low key. She likes fuss being made and she gets full whack of it. After all the cards and prezzies have been opened, flowers put in a vase,cake eaten it’s time to move on with the day.Your DM’s husband can’t rule the day just because he wants to ruining that for everybody including your kids.

Christmas is for kids. You’ve had enough of your ones wrecked by him and you don’t want to impose the same misery on your kids.

YANBU. If he was a kind easy going man you could get a cake, or get your mum to bring one and give him his present, sing him happy birthday then get on with Christmas but if he wants a big song and dance made then it is not going to happen in most homes with children. If he is going to sulk because you have not celebrated his birthday in the manner to which he feels he is entitled to then that will spoil the day. I think you need to be frank with your mum though and tell her the reason you do not want them over Christmas time is because her husband insists on Christmas being about him but in your family you do things differently and he would not be happy with that. It is a shame he cannot go to his daughter and your mum come to yours instead. I bet his daughter gets fed up of it too. Does she have kids?

I would just invite them for Christmas and ignore his birthday. Let him sulk. What does that actually entail anyway, sitting there not speaking to anyone? Great let him sulk away.

@Keeva2017

I’m shocked at how many people think you’re unreasonable op. Would I fuck be pandering to any adult like that! A cake, sing happy birthday and a toast to them at dinner - all fine . But all that crap? No way. Bonkers.

It’s probably because OP has never hosted her DM for Christmas. We have no idea how birthday dude would behave at her house. And given it’s her house she can plan the day however she likes. Lots of people have suggested just tell DM how you plan to mark it in advance (because let’s face it, it would be pretty rude not to acknowledge it at all).

I totally get how if you’re throwing a party/going out for drinks/meal, etc you can easily do that on a different day (and most people would rather do that on a weekend), but who the hell saves up all their cards and presents to open on a different day?!

Page 4 and He's still a Dick OP, nothing anyone has said has changed this fact.

Enjoy your Christmas, minus this Dick

Thisseatisnotavailable - I would just invite them for Christmas and ignore his birthday. Let him sulk. What does that actually entail anyway, sitting there not speaking to anyone? Great let him sulk away.

From what OP has said he does not sulk quietly and unobtrusively in the corner letting everyone get on with things & ignore him but he makes a big production of it & ruins the day for everyone else & upsets OP's mum. He had a tantrum at his daughter's when he didn't get things his way. I don't blame OP for not wanting to impose him on her kids' Christmas. Maybe his daughter is fed up of it too & maybe OP's mum knows that hence the fishing for an invitation? Who knows, but it's not OP's problem.

I do remember one Christmas he sulked allllllll day and made passive aggressive comments ruining the atmosphere for everyone. He’d been given bubble bath or something (he hates baths and only wants shower stuff) and he must’ve mentioned it 1000 times. My mum cried a little bit that day.

Why don’t you just tell her that they’re both very welcome to come over for Christmas, but he’s going to either have to pick another day to celebrate his birthday or go to his daughter’s for his party because your kids are having the whole day to enjoy just being Christmas.

I'm confused from your original post op as to when you last had your mum for christmas.
All I can say is,life can change dramatically in a very short period of time and loved ones you thought we're here for years to come are suddenly gone forever.
Host christmas,make a fuss of his birthday with grace and good humour and enjoy yourselves.

I suppose if it wasn't for the kids you could always treat yourself to a shot for every little birthday present slowly opened and every sulky remark from the manchild. Get shit faced, accept then day as a write off and do the turkey on Boxing day.

I don't have any time for adults who get bent out shape about others celebrating their birthdays, especially when they're significantly older than me. It's all a bit pathetic and childish IMO.

@Lilybet1980 no but op has said how he impacted her childhood Christmas’s. Ops children’s happiness comes above her mums. A mum who allowed her partner to ruined her children’s experiences. Why should op believe that anything has changed when all the evidence indicates nothing has changed.

I agree op should tell her mum the reason and then it’s up to mum whether tells her husband to grow the fuck up and not sulk, she misses out on family Christmas’s or she ditches him for one year.

@JennyWoodentop exactly! Can’t believe how many people would risk letting this man ruin their children’s Christmas.

This mess is of op’s mums making, she let this shit go down and now her child has drawn a line. The consequences of her actions.

@KarmaStar

I'm confused from your original post op as to when you last had your mum for christmas. All I can say is,life can change dramatically in a very short period of time and loved ones you thought we're here for years to come are suddenly gone forever. Host christmas,make a fuss of his birthday with grace and good humour and enjoy yourselves.

I get what you are saying - I lost both parents a few months ago in the pandemic so won't have another Christmas with them - but I still wouldn't host Mr Sulkypants unless the terms were made very clear. The OP's children are more important than him on Christmas Day - it's just a pity her mother didn't think the same way when her children were small.

@SnuggyBuggy

I suppose if it wasn't for the kids you could always treat yourself to a shot for every little birthday present slowly opened and every sulky remark from the manchild. Get shit faced, accept then day as a write off and do the turkey on Boxing day.

Bloody love this idea! This could be a great way to deal with any Christmas drama!

OP YANBthe slightest bit U.

Your mum's husband sounds like a pathetic man child. Nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your birthday, I love celebrating mine. It must be difficult having a birthday on or around Christmas with everything else going on and if all he wanted was an acknowledgement of his birthday plus card/present then I'd say do it. His insistence of making it all about him and tantruming when it's not to his liking is pathetic, even more so at his age.

I have limited sympathy for your mum too. She chose to marry him and to prioritise him over her own children. Now she's reaping what she sowed. I agree with those who say you should tell her why you don't invite them for Christmas. That way she will know why they don't get an invitation. I suspect she already knows deep down but this way she will either have to accept the status quo or choose to change things.

It's the sulking that would be the no go for me and deliberately sabotaging the day for others through passive aggressive behaviour. But I'm a bit of a cow so I'd take this piss out of him if he made comments about the presents he'd received not being to his liking.

Passive aggressive tennis comments would be:

Wow to have that as your only worry, what bliss!

It's so awful for you, those people sitting alone today at Christmas would be thanking their stars they are not you right now.

Direct ones would be:

My children don't make as much fuss as you do

Thanks for putting a downer on the day for everyone, I guess you won't be coming back next year then.

I've lost a parent so the bending over backwards to make older people happy just in case is largely rubbish in my opinion. It is just plain manipulative conditioning that seems to only be spouted by women who have either done it to others or have been trained to think this way by emotionally abusive family members.

If you mum is happy to make everyone else miserable so she has an easier life, then she is the one I'd be having words with tbh. She needs a wake up call on how others view his behavior and her pandering to him.

My favourite is the shots game - genius

My birthday is tomorrow and as I'm on my own with my small child and only have one friend (who lives miles away), I'll not get so much as a card, let alone a cake, banner or presents!

He sounds very immature....

@Alwaysinpain

A Very Happy Birthday to you for tomorrow!

[quote Roussette]@Alwaysinpain

A Very Happy Birthday to you for tomorrow! [/quote]
Oh thank you!

(I genuinely wasn't hinting for birthday greetings! I've just realised that's how it reads 😬)

Probably stating the obvious but can you not go to her?

I loathe dragging my kids to 'Family' at Christmas... fuck that carryon.. stay at home OP with your DH and Children 🌺