To not want to inadvertently host her birthday?

[Youzam]

This potentially won’t be an issue this year due to the pandemic, but my mum hints strongly every year that she and her husband would like an invite to ours for Christmas. Every year it starts around this time, she started last week saying “it would be SO lovely to all be together. I would love to share a proper Christmas dinner together. Your house is the perfect size for us all” and on and on. She hasn’t directly asked and I just vaguely agree that hI would be nice but don’t actually invite her. Here’s the thing, they live a long drive away and always expect to stay in our house for a few days. I love her a lot but her husband is just... exhausting. It’s his birthday on Christmas Day and he fully expects a fuss (cake, presents, singing, banners). Growing up, half the day always had to be about him and I always hated it. They go to his daughter’s house usually and she goes all out and my mum has said the one year she didn’t do it he sulked all day. I really don’t want to spend half the day celebrating his birthday!!!! AIBU?

Op YADNBU. I can’t believe some of the responses on here, about indulging him on Christmas Day or moving Christmas Day to Boxing Day, so he gets the whole day about him! Not a hope in hell would I do any of this. A grown man in his seventies (but acting like he is 7) demanding banners, singing, cake and then sulks if he doesn’t get them!

In my house, everything revolves around the children. DH and I don’t really spend much on each other (for either Christmas or Birthdays), probably because when we first had children there was very little money, so what there was was spent on the children. I actually think that it is pretty pathetic, to demand this sort of fuss for a Birthday, to the extent you have said anyway. Fair enough on Special Birthdays, but every year?

If you would really like your mother to spend Christmas with you, tell her that they can visit, but you will not host his Birthday, beyond wishing him a Happy Birthday and giving him a Birthday present and card (as well as a Christmas present). Say that if there is any sulking or demands for attention, he will be asked to leave and you mean it!

Why doesn’t your mum host his Birthday anyway, if he wants this sort of fuss being made over him? Is it because nobody would be interested in turning up to celebrate with a spoiled and entitled sulky man?

I get it OP because a) my DF has a partner who we all have to pander to and b) I've had loads of my Christmases wrecked by people who think what they ant trumps everyone else.

There is something about Christmas that turns the most reasonable person into a mad person. I don't know what it is, but I get it. I am quite chilled out but having my Christmas screwed with sending me into an apocalyptic rage.

My dads partner didn't live with us and as an adult I don't see why I have to bend myself out of shape for anything she wants. She is not my family. I used to be told what to buy her for Christmas and it often was really expensive perfume or toiletries that I cannot afford for myself and this used to wind me up massively.

We often have to host in-laws for Christmas and our day is turned on its arse and non of my traditions get a look in. When they are here we can't open presents till after lunch as that's how they like it. We don't have a starter as they don't want one. They don't like turkey, sprouts and stuffing. They don't like Christmas pudding or mince pies and they don't like cheese. Apparently U drink too much to numb the pain

The above often ruins my Christmas and I totally get why you are annoyed. You only get son many Christmases with your DC and I totally begrudge spending it in a way that goes against what I want to do.

@allOngoingOmnishambles

Have a look at my post about being cheerfully selfish about Christmas.

If you are hosting, you are doing all the work, and bearing the brunt of the expense. They are more than welcome to come, if they please, but it is on the understanding that they will fit in with you, what you are doing, and your customs. Including drinking too much to numb the pain. . .

No-one is forcing them to come. They are welcome to come. But they need to understand that they do not get to dictate how Christmas is, or make their hosts miserable. . .

Your poor mum.

You sound pet inflexible and a bit unkind.

Of course he wants to celebrate his birthday!! Not his fault it's on Christmas Day!

mbosnz - It's sad that it limits her mother's ability to share in the family celebration, but she's making her choice too. She's choosing (still) to pander to Brian and put him first, and wanting and attempting to manipulate OP into buying into the whole tedious performance too.

I agree with this. The description of OP's childhood Christmases is horrible & OP's mother enabled that. She accomodated her partner's wishes in preference to giving her kids a nice Christmas. Now OP doesn't want to host the guy & I don't blame her. If he would compromise just once & not make Christmas Day all about his birthday then fine but it sounds like he won't & the sulking is not something I would put up with.
He is allowed to celebrate his birthday the way he wants. OP as an adult now is allowed not to want to indulge him any more and to give her own kids Christmas the way she wants.

I agree with the posters who suggest spelling it out to OP's mother & would say something like "Please stop suggesting you & manchild spend Christmas with us. It won't work. I didn't enjoy Christmas as a child because of his birthday requirements dominating Christmas Day and I will not inflict that on my own children. Since he has shown no sign over the years of wanting to tone down his birthday demands we will not be hosting him for Christmas in our house. You are welcome to attend on your own ( if she is ) but we realise you may not want to be apart from him at Christmas & we respect that choice"

@tenlittlecygnets

Your poor mum.

You sound pet inflexible and a bit unkind.

Of course he wants to celebrate his birthday!! Not his fault it's on Christmas Day!

Out of interest, have you read the bits where OP states exactly what this involves, the limits placed on other people while he does it and what he does if it doesn't happen to his liking?

Bloody hell! unkind even!

Most unwomanly.

You go girl.

You do sound a bit horrible to be honest. He's not acting great by sulking if a fuss isn't made, but imagine if your child just completely ignored your birthday? Would you like that? There's always threads on here from women saying their family has ignored their birthday, it's not nice no matter what day it is. You calling him pathetic is quite cruel.

What's wrong with having Christmas in the morning and then birthday cake after dinner? Maybe he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday a different day? You might be fine with that, but not everyone has to be.

Xmas birthdays suck as it generally means what should be your special day for a bit of extra attention is taken over by festive fun and you are sidelined, presents become joint Xmas/BD gifts not of twice the value, it's a bum deal. However, your DM's husband sounds like he's a bit of a prima donna and expects too much.

It sounds like you'd like your DM to come but not him and it's not just about the birthday celebration not fitting in with your plans. Probably best to see them just before or after Xmas and keep the day for your own family.

Um, she's not her child. He has never had a parental relationship with OP.

His child. . .

mbosnz
What's your thread title. I can't see it on the Christmas forum. I'll defo be joining in that chat.

It's a post I did in this one! But maybe we should start a thread in Christmas. . .

Anyone thinking OP is being "unkind" should read all her posts where she details just how much of a demanding self-centred manbaby her DM's husband is and how much he ruined xmas for her every year as a child with his insane requests and sulking if he got the wrong sort of presents.

Also what sort of adult insists they are made a big fuss of on their birthday? I haven't given a shit about birthdays since I turned 21. Even as a 7 year old I wouldn't have dreamt of making the kind of demands this whining prat feels entitled to.

Hearing that he sulked all day when he didn't get a big fuss rang an alarm bell for me.

Sulking is manipulative. After being subjected to it I now personally wouldn't do a single thing for anyone who sulks to get their own way. Sulker see this as weakness. He's got the OP's DM RIGHT where he wants her.

@Lilybet1980 he’s a grown man FFS. Sulking because his daughter didn’t go all out?! Bloody pathetic!

I was going to say you were being unreasonable OP, until you mentioned baby birthday boy!!

He sulked? Is he a teenager then? Maybe you should react accordingly.

I’ve never hosted them for Christmas, just wondering if others would

Then what the fck is the issue here?! I assumed you were going to say you host them every year and are fed up of it but it turns out youve NEVER had them at Christmas?? No wonder your mum is hinting.

I also dont get this weird righteous and pious anger on MN about adults wanting to celebrate their birthday- so he wants one day to be about him?- whats the big deal? I dont get all this scorn and criticism just because an adult fancies having a good day on their birthday.

Sorry but you sound miserable and not very nice.

@KeepingPlain but I’m not his child? His own child does celebrate his birthday in the way he demands. Why should I?

Mbosnz
I've read your post now and you are dead right. I need to take back control of my Christmas.

Oh bloody hell.

Not very nice

How sharper than a serpent's tongue. . .

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter the big deal is that it’s Christmas Day and I want it to be about enjoying my time with my children on that day. I don’t want to celebrate his birthday in my own home in place of our own Christmas celebrations. Why shouldn’t he compromise and celebrate his birthday a day earlier / later if he needs a full elaborate charade of birthday fun?

you could talk to your mum and say love to see her but Christmas is about the children and you'll wish him happy birthday and give him a gift but they day won't revolve around him
But - it could well be that your mum would like to come to you but he'd prefer to be at home with her doing the banners/balloons/cake/singing. In which case he'll probably be a sulky git so he doesn't get invited again any time soon.
You could do a special Christmas meal with your mum a few days earlier or later

Why is it such a big deal . Just have a birthday cake instead of a Christmas cake at tea time ...it really is so simple! Your mothers husband has had to have his birthday hijacked by Christmas all his life ! It’s a shame that you have never hosted them for Christmas .Probably explains the heavy hints from your Mum.If I was your Mum I would be deeply hurt ....how many lovely Christmas days did she give you over your childhood!!

how many lovely Christmas days did she give you over your childhood!!

Not very many by all accounts. Thanks to Brian.