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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

160 replies

Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:28

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 26/08/2020 20:31

Has he ever had the baby overnight? It’s quite a step from nothing to 5 days.

jgjgjgjgjg · 26/08/2020 20:31

Perhaps you are intending to combination feed with a view to increasing the breastfeeding element over time? That would make it impossible.

Sirzy · 26/08/2020 20:32

Maybe in a few years but certainly not when so young!

At most overnight for now and then build it up.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/08/2020 20:32

You say no. He's too young for overnights away from you especially 5 days at a time!!

Mumdiva99 · 26/08/2020 20:32

Too much too soon. No no no. If you want to help facilitate him seeing his child for a longer period of time can you go too?

supersonicginandtonic · 26/08/2020 20:33

Could you suggest to him that he comes and stays near you for 5 days, has the baby during the day and then you have the baby with you at nights and may be try one night with dad to see how it goes?

Forevercurious · 26/08/2020 20:33

5 days at 5 months is far too long. Could you go down there and stay in a hotel so he can have the baby for a few hours each day but you’re there overnight? Is he on the birth certificate? I wouldn’t stand for anyone telling me they were taking my baby away for five days, a discussion and compromise yes but this - definitely not!

BlackberryandNettle · 26/08/2020 20:35

Wtf? Just say no

Sexnotgender · 26/08/2020 20:36

Is he on the birth certificate?

BornOnThe4thJuly · 26/08/2020 20:36

Not a chance! Too much too soon. Put your foot down.

BlackberryandNettle · 26/08/2020 20:36

If his family want to see the baby they need to come to you - suggest meeting somewhere

MsWonderful · 26/08/2020 20:36

No, he can’t take him for 5 days. He’s too young. No court would grant him that anyway.

Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:36

Our relationship has broken down quite badly. He was sleeping on my sofa prior to this but now it's like we can't even be in the same house. He does have family that are near me but I think it's his immediate family he wants to show our baby to. Which I completely understand but he's had him once overnight and that was with the help of his sisters and mum!

OP posts:
Comtesse · 26/08/2020 20:36

You do not have to say yes to that. You should NOT say yes to that. Not even a request? “He will be taking the baby” - no freaking way. Far too young.

Meatshake · 26/08/2020 20:36

Oh hell no would my 5 month old be off for 5 days with a bunch of people he or she had no real prior relationship without me.

It'd be different if he was living with you and the baby was used to him but every 10 days? Not enough to build up a firm enough bond.

This is solely for your exs benefit of getting to play the daddy role, it's not in the best interests of your baby.

Dads are so important, but he's not really stepped up to the plate. The baby can't rationalise "ok I'm away from mum, but this is my dad so I'm totes safe and looked after lolz" it only knows "Mum! Mum! Where the fuck is mum? Aaaaargh! I'm gonna diiiiie"

BlackberryandNettle · 26/08/2020 20:38

Were you married? Have you discussed shared custody before? Under no circumstances give him the baby for a long stretch of time

Suewiththeredford · 26/08/2020 20:38

No way.

Shmithecat2 · 26/08/2020 20:39

Absolutely no fucking way. Yanbu at all. Why does he think he gets not only to bugger off and leave you to it when he feels like it, but also that he can tell you when he's taking the baby away? No, no, no. All the NOs.

Cabinfever10 · 26/08/2020 20:39

I'd be telling him to take me to court

notacooldad · 26/08/2020 20:41

Absolutely no chance would I agree to this.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/08/2020 20:41

YANBU I would not allow this.

Doyoumind · 26/08/2020 20:42

Don't say yes. No court would grant him that so don't be bullied into it. There is no benefit to your baby of travelling so far and being taken away from you as his main care giver for so long. Little and often is what is recommended for young children. I wouldn't go along with even one overnight until I knew my baby Wass going to be happy and well looked after. Offer him reasonable contact and if he doesn't accept it, let him take it to court. It will take some time anyway because of the backlog.

TheTrollFairy · 26/08/2020 20:43

I wouldn’t allow this. I did a 1 night stay away from my 9 month old and that was enough for that age!

Alphamayo · 26/08/2020 20:44

5 days is way** too long for a newborn to be away from their mum if it isn't absolutely necessary. I wouldn't allow it, not for the sake of showing the baby to his family anyways.

Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:45

Well we lived together before I found out he was cheating so we never discussed if we break up what custody we would have. I'm assuming that's when he's next off work but it does feel very much like he pops in when he pleases. I don't really want to even rock the boat anymore by telling him no. He said he will take him for 4 days instead but Even when he took him for a night I cried the whole day

OP posts:
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