Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

160 replies

Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:28

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

OP posts:
Alphamayo · 26/08/2020 20:46

Sorry misread post as baby is also 5 days old so I said newborn. But even at 5 months no especially if he's only ever spent one night with him in the past, the separation anxiety could be hard on the baby.

Forevercurious · 26/08/2020 20:48

He doesn’t get to say how long he’s taking him for when he’s been popping in and out of the baby’s life to suit him! No court would agree to this level of overnight contact at this age.

DianaT1969 · 26/08/2020 20:48

Did you put him on the birth certificate? I'm assuming you didn't. So let him get claim parental rights through the court. I don't have time for men who screw around on their live-in girlfriend while she's pregnant. So I certainly wouldn't make it easy for him. He didn't make it easy for you.

uglyface · 26/08/2020 20:50

I was happy letting my MIL look after our four month old overnight when DP got the date wrong on a night away he booked, so I’m not someone who could be considered overly protective but...HELL NO to this.

How would you feel if he and his family decided that the baby didn’t need night feed so decided to let him cry all night? Or if they decided to start weaning without consulting you? Or if - God forbid - they passed him around loads of family members and he got ill?

Tell him it’s too soon; you either go with, or he takes you to court. Not one single family court would grant this arrangement. They MAY grant overnights LOCAL to you once your boy is older. As in not a baby any more.

GabriellaMontez · 26/08/2020 20:51

Text or email him.

"He's too young. One night is enough for him. When he's older and you've visited him more regularly you can build it up"

Then ignore. Do not discuss, explain or justify any further.

Minimumstandard · 26/08/2020 20:51

Just say no. Your baby will find it massively stressful to be away from his primary caregiver for five days.

GabriellaMontez · 26/08/2020 20:51

Is he paying CM?

Lockdownseperation · 26/08/2020 20:52

No way, totally unfair on the baby. If it was my baby he would be getting max of 2 hours without me there and that would be at a push.

It’s not in a baby’s best interests to be away from Mum overnight with someone he has no maintained relationship with.

villamariavintrapp · 26/08/2020 20:53

My babies would have been absolutely distraught about being away from me for that long at that age (and for years afterwards!). No don't do it. Don't even feel obliged to give him overnights if that's too much. Contact is about the baby not him and his family.

dwiz8 · 26/08/2020 20:54

I would personally compromise at maybe 3 days and 2 nights

He is the babies father and how would you feel if you asked to have your baby for 5 nights and were told no? A mother is no more important than a father and since you're not BF there is no reason to refuse a longer stay, but if you are uncomfortable try and compromise

PicsInRed · 26/08/2020 20:54

That's a hard no.

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 20:56

You’re not rocking the boat he’s rocking your babies boat! Absolutely no way should you even consider this. I wouldn’t even let him take baby for one night incase he tried to extend it! You go or baby doesn’t. They can come to you but it’s way too young and he’s an actual idiot for suggesting it

Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:57

I also feel like he is his parent. It's not fair to say no.Even if he had him at my house and I stayed in the spare room. Fine. But to take him away for 4 days and 3 nights. I'd appreciate the sleep that's it I just said I will go down with him and stay nearby but if he's still sick I'm not taking him anywhere.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 26/08/2020 20:57

Could u offer to travel down with the baby and stay nearby. Then he brings baby back each night to you at hotel?

sarahc336 · 26/08/2020 20:58

This is something I would defo say no to as a mum, not a chance and I think most mums would agree x

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 26/08/2020 20:59

Im sorry, there is absolutely no reason why a bottle fed 5month old baby shouldnt spend 5 days with it's dad. It is so, so hard for non-resident parents to bond with babies, this is an excellent opportunity for them to spend some proper time together. Giving birth to the child doesn't give you ownership, you are one of two parents here. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean you get to veto it.

Forevercurious · 26/08/2020 20:59

@dwiz8
I agree that usually mothers and fathers have equal importance IF they both have an equal relationship / do equal parenting. In this case the father hasn’t been around very often to form a close bond with the baby, so yes the mother has greater importance and gets to say no he cannot have their baby overnight for that long!

Contact should be in the babies best interests and being away from their primary carer for multiple nights could be detrimental.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2020 20:59

Well, I think YABU caring for a baby isn’t rocket science and I left my 6 mo old with her father for 6 WEEKS due to a work trip. So, to me 5 days is an eyeblink.

(This is assuming you haven’t drip fed some horrorible abuse story on the threat since your OP. )

MsWonderful · 26/08/2020 21:00

It’s not a case of what’s fair to the dad, op, it’s what’s best for your son. And it will be extremely distressing for him to be away from you for 5 days. He hardly knows his dad, let’s be honest. Just tell him no and don’t let him make you feel guilty.

ChloeCC · 26/08/2020 21:00

Do not allow this. Five months is very young. Your baby will need his primary career in that time - you. And, arguably, you'll need him too. Mums and babies are still very attached at this age. My partner took my 8-month-old to visit his mum alone for the first time today. They were gone four hours. It was long enough for me.

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 21:00

@Sellingsunsets20 what you’ve suggested sounds fair and reasonable. It’s not a case of being fair or unfair to him it’s what’s best for your baby and at that age being away from you isn’t it! If they had a closer relationship then maybe but that’s not your fault

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2020 21:02

If you don’t cut the umbilical cord now, you’ll be on here in two years time complaining that your Ex never has the DC and you are losing your mind having a toddler 24/7.

PicsInRed · 26/08/2020 21:03

If it was a 5 month old baby who'd barely seen its mother since birth and been raised entirely by the primary parent father, the answer would be exactly the same to an almost perfect stranger NRP whisking baby off for 5 days.

NO.

SoupDragon · 26/08/2020 21:03

@PlanDeRaccordement

If you don’t cut the umbilical cord now, you’ll be on here in two years time complaining that your Ex never has the DC and you are losing your mind having a toddler 24/7.
Don't be ridiculous.
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 26/08/2020 21:04

All this stuff about a 5m old baby needing to be with it's primary carer is absolutely batshit tbh. I left all of mine for 5-9 days before they were 4 months (and they're all breastfed!!), all with my mum who'd never had them overnight before, they were all absolutely fine, happy as larry and grew up undamaged.

Babies just need to be fed, warm, safe, clean and cuddled. Doesn't matter if it's mum, dad or the lady from the shop.