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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

160 replies

Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:28

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 26/08/2020 21:58

Not a hope in hell would i agree to his demands. This is not a father that is consistant and knows your baby. Even suggesting taking a young baby from their primary carer, routine and all things familiar shows total selfishness on his behalf. Anyone that cant see that perhaps has a serious lack of maternal instinctHmm

Nursejackie1 · 26/08/2020 21:58

Absolutely no way. Tell him to piss off and take some proper responsibility for his child.
He is nowhere near as important to your baby as you are, at 5 months how on earth would they understand what is going on. It would be traumatic for the baby!
Can’t stand these men who think they can leave all the parenting to the mother then make ridiculous demands just to feel in control with no consideration for the baby’s feelings.
Definitely say no. And don’t even compromise. He’s far too young to be away from you. It would set a precedent for the future if u allow this too. Don’t let him walk all over you. The babies needs come first not his.

00100001 · 26/08/2020 22:00

@dwiz8
" A mother is no more important than a father and since you're not BF there is no reason to refuse a longer stay, but if you are uncomfortable try and compromise"

Bollocks. The mother is the primary care giver here, therefore she IS more important. The reason to refuse is because the baby is FIVE MONTHS OLD not five years.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/08/2020 22:00

It sounds like you are hoping the baby will bring him back to you. I hope you aren't using it as "bait".
You are not married to him.
He has not gone to court to establish paternity.
Yet you say you "feel like he is the child's father and want them to have a relationship."
Does the father want a relationship? Is the child a priority of more of a 'well, I got some free time. might drop in and see the kid.'
Does he pay CM? Does he keep up with doctor visits and developmental milestones?
Think about your intentions and what you would see happening in the years to come. Do what is right for that baby.

AnotherEmma · 26/08/2020 22:01

"He has not gone to court to establish paternity."

He doesn't have to, he's on the birth certificate.

unlikelytobe · 26/08/2020 22:02

It seems like you are dancing to his tune too much. Are you scared of him or his family? Is he manipulative, dominating, controlling? Really, you're not happy with this demand or him popping in, whatever he's doing ...the baby is very young, just say no.

Whenwillthisbeover · 26/08/2020 22:03

A no fro me too, no fucking way.

Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 22:05

Well he says the baby is the most important think to him. He does keep up with all his milestones. I don't expect it lt be perfect but he does try his hardest when he's with him.

I definitely don't want him back so not using baby as bait. How would that even work??

I just feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I either let my baby go ' cut the cord etc' but not be happy and god knows how that would affect him. Or I don't let him go cause so much drama, have him here in my house for a shorter amount of time just because his dad will strip and say I make him uncomfortable.

It's like I can't win. I didn't want to go the court route but it seems like that's where we will head

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 22:07

The more I think about it I am scared of his reaction. He manipulates situations to make it my fault. I just wanted to ask experienced mums what they would do so I would feel more confident in my decision.

I will just say no, I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and thinking of the right thing to say.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/08/2020 22:10

You need to agree on a contact schedule that is reasonable for the age of your baby, for a 5 month old I would suggest that little and often is probably best, although that's not very practical based on the distance between you, but he was the one who decided to move away, so he should be facilitating contact by travelling to the baby and staying with family if he can.

Get legal advice about what is reasonable and acceptable for a baby of your age, then maybe try mediation if you are not confident negotiating directly.

justasmalltownmum · 26/08/2020 22:15

Say no. What if he doesn't give him back? You have no court order or anything.

makingmammaries · 26/08/2020 22:18

I would say no and would also find ways to make contact inconvenient in the hope of getting shot of that stupid man. His choice to move 150 miles away. How does that demonstrate commitment to the child? I would also get some binding maintenance arrangements in place.

WoolyMammoth55 · 26/08/2020 22:21

Hi OP - I'm a mum and honestly, 5 days and nights away from you at 5 months old is just too long. Even if baby's dad was living with baby and they had a great bond, your bub would still miss you terribly at that age. Given that's not the scenario and you are the primary carer, with dad very much a "pop in" parent, it's not in the child's best interest for dad to remove the child for so long.

If your ex loves the baby then you can explain it in those terms - you're not being controlling, withholding or trying to hurt him - you're just doing what's in the best interest of your baby, who you love. I don't think he can argue.

If his family want to meet the baby, they can travel. Or you can travel with the baby at dad's expense and he can take bub for the family meet and greet and drop back to you for bedtime.

The wellbeing of the 5 month old is what matters here - the situation between you and the dad is context, but not what's important, IYSWIM?

Gillian1980 · 26/08/2020 22:34

It would be a no from me.

I’d want to build up to it very slowly - the child’s best Interests should be the priority and being away from the primary caregiver (whether that is mum, dad or someone else) overnight can be very traumatic for babies. Separation anxiety is very real and needs to be taken into account.

Lots of regular, consistent contact with dad is great. Let a secure attachment with you continue to grow. Allow your son to develop attachment items to help soothe him whoever he is with. All of this will help him when the time is right to be away from you for any sustained periods.

justasking111 · 26/08/2020 22:40

Well thinking of household bubbles who is baby going to come into contact with. He has not had all his jabs either. Just say no baby is way too young.

Branleuse · 26/08/2020 22:41

nope. Just say no

Anordinarymum · 26/08/2020 22:41

@Sellingsunsets20

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

He's told you he will be taking the baby ? No. That's not the way it works. You are the child's mother and the child's welfare is in your hands. He should have asked you and not told you.

Never mind his family. Never mind him. You decide what is best for you and your baby.

If it were me I would not be letting that baby out of my sight, but that is only me

ZooKeeper19 · 26/08/2020 22:43

@Sellingsunsets20 really what @HoofWankingSpangleCunt said to the dot.

Personally a baby after ATB I would not take anywhere. Let alone leave him with someone that the baby does not know well, someone who can't calm him and someone who has, presumably, never had him for more than a few hours. It's nonsense.

I have a 10mo and the only person I'd trust with him is his dad that has been there since day 1. Not even parents. No one else.

Either you both go, or the baby stays. That would be my rule. I see you seem to feel more at ease with grandparents helping, which is nice but if he starts running a fever at 3am, what will they do? It's no laughing matter. 5mo is way WAY too little to be away from his mum for a day, let alone 4.

Pobblebonk · 26/08/2020 23:03

*To be honest I might just go the illness route and say not fair for him for travel and be away from me sick

Don't do this. If it goes legal you'll be expected to produce proof, and it's not an excuse that works indefinitely.

Have the courage of your convictions. At this age I really can't see any court agreeing that it's appropriate for a baby to be away from its mother for five days at a time. Even to have the baby overnight he needs to be in a position to show he is fully able to care for him, including having the necessary cot, bedding, feeding and safety equipment in place.

Somethingsnappy · 26/08/2020 23:04

OP, just a thought.. You mentioned earlier telling your ex that he couldn't have the baby that long because he's just been poorly. But if you say that this time, what about next time he requests/demands it? You can't use the same 'excuse' again. Better just to be honest and say your baby is too young. There is a good reason a court would not allow overnight stays of this length at that age.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 26/08/2020 23:14

No, no way. Baby is too young and should be with you.

(Disclaimer - I did in fact leave my 5 month old with my then husband to attend a family wedding abroad with my older child and all was fine. But if you aren’t comfortable with it then it’s not happening - you and the baby have an important bond and he can’t just come in and take the baby. The difference also is that this father hasn’t been with the baby day in, day out since birth, whereas my ex husband - then husband - had been.)

Shizzlestix · 26/08/2020 23:19

Just no. Tell him he can go to court for access.

Californiastreaming · 26/08/2020 23:30

@Sellingsunsets20

I'm just catching up I'm not sure how to tag people but thank you so much for asking how I am. I really appreciate it, it's been hard because it's just me really. I'm really trying because I'm aware we have to do this for a very long time. But I suppose being a pushover won't make anyone happy.

He is on the birth certificate and he has paid me £100 a month so far. Not much I know but really babies don't need a lot at this age

£100 per month maintenance?

@Sellingsunsets20 with respect please find your inner strength and sort this out once and for all. Go through CSA and let them tell him how much he will be paying you, seriously he is walking all over you! Get Angry !!!

MrsToothyBitch · 26/08/2020 23:46

It boils down to leaving a tiny baby with people who are effectively strangers to him. For 5 days. I wouldn't.

Especially since your ex doesn't seem overly confident and will be a long way away.

ThePangolinsRevenge · 26/08/2020 23:53

OP, how absolutely awful. Many of the things you’ve said suggest this man is riding roughshod over you. That is not good for you or baby.

Do you have anyone you can turn to for support - friends, parents?

You really do need to say ‘no’ to this 5 day thing. I left my baby for a week with MIL when he was 5 months old. MIL had brought up 4 kids of her own, was a nurse & saw my baby every single day of his life! This is a very different situation. Rely on your gut reaction - just say no, it’s far to soon. You absolutely have the right to do this. If he or his family try to bully you, just say ‘this is bullying behaviour, it’s inappropriate’ & put the phone down.

Don’t let him come and stay with you any more - it sounds really unhealthy. Part of effective co-parenting with an ex is having boundaries & he is trampling over yours.

I think also you need to go to the CSA - £100!

And think more generally about how you want contact to work in future. What do you want your future to look like? How will your ex fit into this? What will best promote your own strength and happiness and independence - the qualities you need to be a good mother? What do you need in your future? What sort of contact do you think a child should have with a non Resident father? What will benefit your baby over the next 10-15 years?

Have you ever considered doing the Freedom Programme? You can find it online. It might give you mental resources to stand up to him- as your baby grows older you will need to be a strong mother. Best to start now.

Take care. Your baby is fortunate to have such a loving mother.