AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

[Sellingsunsets20]

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

A massive party of being a mother - a parent probably, though as a mother I wouldn't know- is trusting your own judgement and going with that. It doesn't matter if some people I here get competitive about leaving their 5 day old to go on a 3 week cruise or how they will never leave their 10 year olds for a night with its living grandma. How you and your son do things is what matters. None of those people is in your place.

You have been the sole carer, really, for your son his whole life so far. He has entirely depended on you for everything. Your relationship is more of a single unit than 2 people at this stage. If you don't want him to go for 4 days, he doesn't go for 4 days. No apologies, no explanations, that's it.

When he can communicate differently to you (by showing attachment to his father, for example) you may make a different choice. Right now, this is up to you.

I really would like to avoid court if possible. I know nobody wants to do that. Well he's had him once overnight alone. When he visits he helps out and do half the night feeds, he also might stay for 2/3 days at a time. He is hands on when he's here.

We agreed to 2 nights but only if he's well.

5 days? no chance, especially when he's not been making that much effort up until when he wants to show him off. You probably need to get proper access set up

I think one night would be OK but I definitely wouldn’t agree to more that.

@Dillydallyingthrough

It's not clear how often he looks after the baby. If he does look after the baby often I think a couple of days are fine. I agree that on MN it's like mums are magical beings who are the only ones that matter. Many people leave their DC with people that they trust. I realise you might be upset but it's not about you, its about the baby building a bond with their father. On MN you always get dont let anyone look after the baby unless the DM is ok with it, then in a couple of years complaining that the DF doesnt seem to show an interest! Yes because you haven't allowed that bond to develop! If he doesn't look after the baby much then that is very different. I also hate this 'go to court', its expensive and not always in the best interests of the DC.

The OP has made it clear in follow up comments how often her ex sees the baby. He helps with nights and has had him overnight before

Sorry Op but I think you are a mug who is setting yourself up for years of difficulty.

The birth certificate has given parental responsibility to him and can cause you problems for years to come with holidays, travel, moving home, which can all need his agreement if he decides to say no or go to court.

You are also now setting a precedent for overnight visits years before most courts even consider them suitable. Most reports do not consider overnights suitable for young babies and toddlers.

You are not even attempting to see how much money you should receive correctly in maintenance. Go check the amount on the government website and contact cms if needed.

You have 18 years tied to this man why are you intent on making it more difficult for yourself?? There is being amicable and there is bending over and allowing yourself to be f*ed.

OP this must be really tough for you! I hope you are managing ok.

My first reaction is that 5 nights is way too long not just for the baby but also for you to be away from him and the father to go from nothing to 5 nights. I think it would be best for you all to build up to it slowly.

Can you do 1-2 nights and you go with the baby and stay nearby so you know you are there if needed and there are any problems. I honestly think you’re doing the right thing in letting father have access and you seem to be putting your baby first so he can have a relationship with his dad. But I’d definitely start off slow and all build up to longer stints.

@newmum332

OP this must be really tough for you! I hope you are managing ok.

My first reaction is that 5 nights is way too long not just for the baby but also for you to be away from him and the father to go from nothing to 5 nights. I think it would be best for you all to build up to it slowly.

Can you do 1-2 nights and you go with the baby and stay nearby so you know you are there if needed and there are any problems. I honestly think you’re doing the right thing in letting father have access and you seem to be putting your baby first so he can have a relationship with his dad. But I’d definitely start off slow and all build up to longer stints.

Might be worth checking the updates

Op has clarified he has had the baby overnight before and has helped with nights since birth

The updates paint a very different picture than the original post

@Sellingsunsets20 how are things now? Did you go and stay nearby. Hope all went well :)

I would consult a family solicitor. It doesn't have to end in court, but a third party mediator might help you both to sort out a more formal agreement that you both have to agree to.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable about leaving mine for any length of time at that age - my middle daughter would only settle for me for a very long time and screamed until she was brought back to me. My mum (who knew her really well) tried to test this and took her off for a walk in the pram screaming. She came back after an hour with a still screaming baby.

I think it's important to involve the father as much as possible, and it sounds like you've had a really sensible approach so far in terms of letting him help with nights and having access.

It sounds like you're a bit scared of him and allowing him to call the shots. I think you could do with some help to reverse that - could you manage to get some counselling?

Also, if you do decide to take the baby to where his family are and stay locally, you need to make sure the father is footing the bill. Don't be out of pocket because he has made these decisions.

Finally, you definitely need to try and get a financial agreement in place. Your baby might not need much now, but formula and nappies add up, and he will constantly need new clothes. I think there are calculations on the CSA website to give an indication of what he should be paying - do you know roughly how much he earns? Unfortunately children only ever seem to get more expensive...

If you are planning to go back to work at some point, there's also childcare costs to consider - these should also be split.

I think some family solicitors give a free initial consultation - go with a clear list of questions that you need answers to and they will help you find a way forward that's best for the baby.