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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

160 replies

Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:28

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

OP posts:
Oswin · 26/08/2020 21:05

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well, I think YABU caring for a baby isn’t rocket science and I left my 6 mo old with her father for 6 WEEKS due to a work trip. So, to me 5 days is an eyeblink.

(This is assuming you haven’t drip fed some horrorible abuse story on the threat since your OP. )

Bloody hell. This is a 5 month baby. OP is the main carer. It would be shit for both of them.
PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2020 21:07

@Oswin
That’s your opinion that it would be shit for both of them, not a fact and not my experience.

ThursdayAfterNext · 26/08/2020 21:07

I would not let my 5 month old baby be taken 150 miles away from me by a man who has seen him once every 10 days. Not under normal circumstances, but particularly not given his recent bout of illness and a backdrop of Covid.

Your baby is too young to be separated from you for that long. Particularly to go to a place where the people, the house, the smells, the noise, the temperature, the everything will be completely unfamiliar and he will not have you there for comfort.

And it is quite far for a baby to travel. Take a look at www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/warning-over-babies-sleeping-in-car-seats/

Just say no. You are not comfortable with it. If he wants to push it then tell him to take it to court.

Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 21:07

He's not a stranger to the baby, but I'm the only one that can calm him, I'm the one who knows his little quirks. Of course if he doesn't have him he won't ever know but I feel like we're being punished for what he's done. If he never did
that this wouldn't even be a problem.

To be honest I might just go the illness route and say not fair for him for travel and be away from me sick. He would of only just finished his antibiotics.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 26/08/2020 21:08

Are you possibly afraid of him, when you say you “don’t really want to even rock the boat anymore” about it, even though you want to say no (and everyone here, me included, is telling you it’s VERY okay to say no and a court would never grant this)? You’re allowed to say and should feel safe to say no to things like this, and if you’re afraid of him or feel pressured, please call Women’s Aid. They can help you and give you advice on how to keep yourself and your baby safe and together.

Maybe this isn’t the case at all, but just in case it is.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/08/2020 21:08

All this stuff about a 5m old baby needing to be with it's primary carer is absolutely batshit tbh.

Completely agree. All mine were in full time child care/nursery at 11weeks old. Babies are very adaptable.

tigger001 · 26/08/2020 21:11

So he has had him overnight before, but you just cried, but how did the baby get on?

He hadn't actually done anything to make you think the baby would be in danger ?
The baby will have to get used to being with his dad, it's only fair on the child.

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 21:12

All mine were in full time child care/nursery at 11weeks old each to their own but I literally could not do that.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 26/08/2020 21:13

@Sellingsunsets20

He's not a stranger to the baby, but I'm the only one that can calm him, I'm the one who knows his little quirks. Of course if he doesn't have him he won't ever know but I feel like we're being punished for what he's done. If he never did that this wouldn't even be a problem.

To be honest I might just go the illness route and say not fair for him for travel and be away from me sick. He would of only just finished his antibiotics.

Him getting to have a relationship with his child isn't a punishment for you.

Look, the idea of being away from your baby isn't nice. I get that. But let's be absolutely honest here, if your baby is bottle fed, it'll take him an hour or two to adjust to being with someone different and then as long as all his needs are met, he'll be absolutely fine without you. People like to make out that Mummy Is Magic but tbh when they're that little if they're not breastfed anyone will do, it's just a case of figuring it out, which he has to do anyway.

Original poster
Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 21:14

In all honesty he was fine but he doesn't have much patience as a dad. He always says to me he doesn't know how I do it. I'm not worried about him not being looked after because his grandparents will be there.

OP posts:
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 26/08/2020 21:15

@MrsOldma

All mine were in full time child care/nursery at 11weeks old each to their own but I literally could not do that.
Lucky you that you didn't have to then, but i can guarantee you'd have been the only one suffering, it wouldn't have harmed the babies at all.
Nanny0gg · 26/08/2020 21:16

@Sellingsunsets20

Our relationship has broken down quite badly. He was sleeping on my sofa prior to this but now it's like we can't even be in the same house. He does have family that are near me but I think it's his immediate family he wants to show our baby to. Which I completely understand but he's had him once overnight and that was with the help of his sisters and mum!
You don't have to allow overnights at all at this age
Arthersleep · 26/08/2020 21:18

The courts would side with you as your D's is still very young. So no! He can show his family DS during a 1 night visit. If he lived with you still, his relatives would have to visit you. If he hadn't moved away, then he could see DS more often. He doesn't get to tell you that he's taking the baby for 5 nights. Also, he's a knob!

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2020 21:18

Why don't you sort out a regular system of access?

He moved away, he needs to be more accessible.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 26/08/2020 21:19

I don't generally let my childrens father have the kids for more than 4 nights and they're 9 and 5 years old! I think they need their mum nearby and he doesn't disagree.

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 21:19

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I know I’m lucky. I’d have been a wreck and worried that they were upset. I think it comes with hindsight though that they will be ok, in the moment like the OP is it’s harder to see that

Megan2018 · 26/08/2020 21:20

Not a chance in hell.

I don’t leave my 11 month old overnight.

Get a court agreement for access.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 26/08/2020 21:22

@dwiz8

I would personally compromise at maybe 3 days and 2 nights

He is the babies father and how would you feel if you asked to have your baby for 5 nights and were told no? A mother is no more important than a father and since you're not BF there is no reason to refuse a longer stay, but if you are uncomfortable try and compromise

Sorry but this is total rubbish. The OP is primary care giver, her baby is attached to her, not his Dad, because his Dad doesn’t live there (because he’s an unfaithful git). It’s not the same as the baby living with both parents and having a very similar and secure bond with both parents.
MadCattery · 26/08/2020 21:22

I don’t live in the UK. I live in Florida and overnight visits aren’t required to be allowed until age three here

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 26/08/2020 21:22

[quote MrsOldma]@Sayitagainwhydontyou I know I’m lucky. I’d have been a wreck and worried that they were upset. I think it comes with hindsight though that they will be ok, in the moment like the OP is it’s harder to see that[/quote]
She needs to get used to it though - she's not his only parent! Mothers don't own their children. Yes, it's not nice to be away from your baby for several nights. Unfortunately, if you don't live with your child's other parent, it's something you just have to woman up and deal with!

Arthersleep · 26/08/2020 21:23

I left all of mine for 5-9 days before they were 4 months (and they're all breastfed!!), all with my mum who'd never had them overnight before, they were all absolutely fine, happy as larry and grew up undamaged.

Hmm. And how did that effect your supply? And would you really have left your baby with a woman in a shop? And a baby really has no idea who it is left with? Interesting!

Californiastreaming · 26/08/2020 21:23

He told you he was taking the baby? No no no, he can tell you all he wants, the answer is NO, end off discussion. Stand up for yourself OP and start formalising arrangements through email only and make it clear he will not be taking baby anywhere currently. If needs be get a Prohibited Steps Order in place to prevent this.

lboogy · 26/08/2020 21:24

Erm I think the fuck not

Nottherealslimshady · 26/08/2020 21:24

No way. You can refuse. He can take you to court, they would never be on his side over this.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 26/08/2020 21:24

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

Im sorry, there is absolutely no reason why a bottle fed 5month old baby shouldnt spend 5 days with it's dad. It is so, so hard for non-resident parents to bond with babies, this is an excellent opportunity for them to spend some proper time together. Giving birth to the child doesn't give you ownership, you are one of two parents here. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean you get to veto it.
Total rubbish, she gets to say no because it isn’t the best thing for her child. It’s the baby’s welfare that matters, not Dad’s feelings because he wants to spend time with his child. He needs to build it up slowly and regularly.