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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

160 replies

Sellingsunsets20 · 26/08/2020 20:28

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 27/08/2020 00:11

Can you not go to i know you argu with him but surely u can be civil for 5 days my ds dad lives 100 miles away when he was a baby I would go with them I would leave dad to take son out of a day do there thing but was there in house if needed this went out till son was about 4 an i was comfortable with him going alone. You have to try make these things work in whichever way you can for childs sake.

Minimumstandard · 27/08/2020 03:16

You need to say no to this. Prolonged separation from the primary caregiver causes stress in babies and can actually alter their brain development.

Besides this, are you sure your baby will be properly cared for for such a long time? It's tough looking after a small baby with limited experience and when you don't know their cues. One argument I had a lot with DC's dad (actually around and saw the baby every day) was that he slept through DC crying a lot. So poor little DC would have been left to cry for hours if I hadn't been there.

Pesimistic · 27/08/2020 03:51

Absoultly not, if hes not used to looking after young children for long stretches of time I'd be very worried about the safety of your child and the fact he might become frustrated. Perhaps one night but not 5 and certainly not at 5 months or even a year old for that matter

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 03:56

If you don’t cut the umbilical cord now, you’ll be on here in two years time complaining that your Ex never has the DC and you are losing your mind having a toddler 24/7.

😂 To be fair it wasn't that long ago the umbilical cord was cut, but what a ridiculous statement to make. Father doesn't get to demand his 5 month old baby alone for 5 nights solid, so he can't be expected to do anything for the child when they get older. Get a grip!

OP no way, and no court in this country would make you hand over your child for that long either so it's not necessary you do it to keep the peace, or so he stays interested in the child, or whatever crap that poster was trying to scare you with.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2020 04:00

You, know we all had a first baby and from birth, we cared for that baby with no prior experience, no hand book, and often no family help. You don’t need to be used to caring for a baby to be good at it.

And denying the opportunity for a perfectly good parent to bond with their child and have them for a few days because they’ve “only” seen them once very ten days for 5 months is ridiculous. A man can care for a baby as well as a woman. Try and think past the sexism of our upbringing that invokes mother guilt in any mother who dares to leave their baby with its father for more than a few minutes during which we must hover like helicopters with a big sister eye.
OP is making a rod for her own back. If you repeatedly block the other parent from bonding with and caring for their child you are creating precedent where you become the indispensable parent. The child can then never leave your side. Especially as separation anxiety sets in post 9 months. Now is the time to get the child used to several primary carers, not years down the road when the father will have given up and feel a stranger to his own child. Then where will you be when you want to continue your career?

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2020 04:03

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

The only scaring I see is posters claiming a baby is not “safe” with his father for only a few days...the OP updated to say it’s 3 nights now, not 5 by the way. She’s refusing even that compromise.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 04:29

Last I saw was 4 nights. 3 is still too much if the primary care giver thinks it's too much. Again, no court would insist on this so it doesn't really matter how much you try and force the issue. OP is under no obligation to go along with it to appease you and the other ridiculous poster, or a man who hasn't been that involved, and sounds a bit manipulative and controlling.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 04:31

Also, who said the child wouldn't be safe? I must have missed that post. The only post I saw trying to scare the OP was yours, with your "don't complain in a couple of years time, when he takes nothing to do with the child because you wouldn't allow this demand to happen" Bullshit.

TitsOutForHarambe · 27/08/2020 04:37

The wording is strange - he "just told" you that he's taking the baby for 5 days? No. That's not how it works. There needs to be a discussion. 5 days is a bit ridiculous at that age, IMO. If his family are so keen to see the baby then they can travel. Most people don't expect a new parent to drag the baby across country to meet people.

Sounds to me like you really need to go to court. I know you said that you don't want to but given that relations between you are so bad it is the only sensible option. That way everyone knows where they stand.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2020 09:26

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Also, who said the child wouldn't be safe? I must have missed that post. The only post I saw trying to scare the OP was yours, with your "don't complain in a couple of years time, when he takes nothing to do with the child because you wouldn't allow this demand to happen" Bullshit.
Just a short scroll up Pessimistic posted Thu 27-Aug-20 03:51:08 Absoultly not, if hes not used to looking after young children for long stretches of time I'd be very worried about the safety of your child and the fact he might become frustrated. Perhaps one night but not 5 and certainly not at 5 months or even a year old for that matter
PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2020 09:33

@Sellingsunsets20

I also feel like he is his parent. It's not fair to say no.Even if he had him at my house and I stayed in the spare room. Fine. But to take him away for 4 days and 3 nights. I'd appreciate the sleep that's it I just said I will go down with him and stay nearby but if he's still sick I'm not taking him anywhere.
@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

See quote above. 3 nights.
Yes she can refuse, that’s her right to, but I think she’s being a bit precious. She’s said the father is not a stranger to the baby. The baby has seen him and been with him at least a dozen times. As I posted above, I went on a 6 week business trip leaving behind my 6 months old DD. She was fine. Men can care for babies just as well as women. And it’s actually admirable that this father is not too cowardly to try and wanting to bond with his child as a baby.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2020 09:35

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
I think this is also scaring, saying the baby will be brain damaged if she lets his father have him for a few night:

Minimumstandard Thu 27-Aug-20 03:16:57
You need to say no to this. Prolonged separation from the primary caregiver causes stress in babies and can actually alter their brain development.

PicsInRed · 27/08/2020 09:37

OP, did you know if he's on the birth cert and you have no child arrangements order, he has PR and could refuse to return your baby and you would have to go to court to enforce return - a process which could take weeks or months?

Don't do it.

MJMG2015 · 27/08/2020 09:42

Just say 'No' & stop caring what his reaction will be. The best thing for a 5 month old baby is to be with its primary care giver - and that's YOU

He doesn't have to like it, but HE put himself in this position, not you, so tough. It's not about what he WANTS, it's about what your baby NEEDS

Don't blame it on your baby not being well or you'll be having the same 'discussion' next month. Just make your position clear now.

Thehop · 27/08/2020 09:48

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I’m glad it worked for you, but there’s quite a lot of evidence and research that proves that babies and young children need a primary career with them and caring for them to form positive attachments, and that quite a lot of damage can be done if this doesn’t happen. A quick google shows anything relevant.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 09:49

@PlanDeRaccordement

That's not what that poster said, but you keep exaggerating. Being taken away from the primary care giver for prolonged periods of time, for such a young child, can have a negative effect. There have been many studies on this, but you clearly believe you know better. I will say again....it doesn't matter what you think, no court would tell the OP she had to go along with this contact demand, and there is good reason for that.

Thehop · 27/08/2020 09:50

@Sellingsunsets20 can you compromise on 2 nights and work up as he gets older?

dwiz8 · 27/08/2020 09:51

[quote Thehop]@Sayitagainwhydontyou I’m glad it worked for you, but there’s quite a lot of evidence and research that proves that babies and young children need a primary career with them and caring for them to form positive attachments, and that quite a lot of damage can be done if this doesn’t happen. A quick google shows anything relevant.[/quote]
If you bothered to actually research it you'd know after 4 months is when babies start to look outside of their primary care giver bubble if a secure attachment has already formed (which one assumes it has)

After 7 months infants show a strong preference to their primary care giver so tbh the op is in the overnight sweet spot

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 10:02

The baby has seen him and been with him at least a dozen times. As I posted above, I went on a 6 week business trip leaving behind my 6 months old DD.

Oh a dozen times, well that changes everything.... Not!
By 5 moths my baby had met and played with my friends around a dozen times, I still wouldn't consider handing him over for 5 day, or even 3 nights. The child isn't actually aware that him being his father has any significance, because, you know, he's 5 months old.
You keep hanging on about your 6 week business trip, but I'm willing to bet that your DDS father at that point was your partner/husband, and you lived together. If I'm wrong, all I can say is, I don't know how you did that. Your child must have been pretty confused.

GabriellaMontez · 27/08/2020 10:04

You're going to have to start thinking about your babies needs first.

Its not about what is fair to his father or what his father's 'rights' are.

Is it beneficial for your baby to see his father? Sounds like it may be, but that for you to decide.

Is it beneficial for your baby to spend 5 nights with his father? Not in my opinion.

These threads always attract a couple of posters that left their babies very young. Then they repeatedly tell us how it did them no harm, babies dont care who looks after them, mothers are overrated etc

Their circumstances sound totally different to yours. The vast majority here totally support you.

Pringlemonster · 27/08/2020 10:12

Why haven’t they been down to visit baby by now ,if they are so important in dads life .
I’d be saying no ,not a chance
No court would allow this either

Pringlemonster · 27/08/2020 10:14

Baby is attached to you op ,he will be distressed wondering where you are you for that length of time..
Dad needs to build up to having baby ,by lots of visits ,and the odd single overnight when you think baby knows dad well enough

User563420011 · 27/08/2020 10:14

Get a proper contact agreement set up by the courts. Until then, no.

Dillydallyingthrough · 27/08/2020 11:57

It's not clear how often he looks after the baby. If he does look after the baby often I think a couple of days are fine. I agree that on MN it's like mums are magical beings who are the only ones that matter. Many people leave their DC with people that they trust. I realise you might be upset but it's not about you, its about the baby building a bond with their father. On MN you always get dont let anyone look after the baby unless the DM is ok with it, then in a couple of years complaining that the DF doesnt seem to show an interest! Yes because you haven't allowed that bond to develop! If he doesn't look after the baby much then that is very different. I also hate this 'go to court', its expensive and not always in the best interests of the DC.

Minimumstandard · 27/08/2020 12:11

Some pp are framing this as an 'equality' issue when it is really about 'best interests of the child'. What the OP's ex wants only matters to the extent that it is good for the baby too. Baby's interests come first, not being 'fair' to her ex.

OP, there is research that it is psychologically damaging and distressing to young babies to spend long periods away from their primary carer. Your ex will have plenty of chances to be an engaged, committed parent, including overnight contact when LO is older. I'm sure when he's 2/3 you will be happily waving your DS out the door to spend a weekend or longer with his daddy and enjoying some time to yourself! He'll be old enough then to speak to you on the phone and to understand that daddy is his parent too and that mummy is coming back to get him. At the moment, though, you are his whole world.

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