AIBU to say he can't take our 5 month old for 5 says

[Sellingsunsets20]

I recently had a baby with a man who I discovered was cheating right up until I gave birth. He's moved back to his home town around 150 miles away. He came up during lockdown/furlough around every 10 days when he could fit the baby in with his life. Now he's back at work he's just told me he will be taking the baby for 5 days.

I just feel like such a little baby, who has just spent basically all his time with me shouldn't be without his mum for that long? Maybe my feelings are clouding my judgement. Our baby is now bottle fed so I can't use that excuse. Also our baby has been not very well on antibiotics so I really do t want him travelling but also don't his family to miss out on our baby. What do I do

I Agree with the majority here. Your baby is much too young to be away from you, their mother.

You say that baby takes a bottle, but I would also include saying youre combination feeding, and baby cannot be gone that long.

They need to visit you And the baby.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well, I think YABU caring for a baby isn’t rocket science and I left my 6 mo old with her father for 6 WEEKS due to a work trip. So, to me 5 days is an eyeblink.

(This is assuming you haven’t drip fed some horrorible abuse story on the threat since your OP. )

I’m guessing your child lived with his Dad though? Which is a totally different situation. Surely you can see that? Would you have left them with a friend/Godparent who’d seen them every couple of weeks?

@Arthersleep

I left all of mine for 5-9 days before they were 4 months (and they're all breastfed!!), all with my mum who'd never had them overnight before, they were all absolutely fine, happy as larry and grew up undamaged.

Hmm. And how did that effect your supply? And would you really have left your baby with a woman in a shop? And a baby really has no idea who it is left with? Interesting!

I pumped and froze before i went away, and while i was gone, supply was fine, babies were fine.

And while i wouldn't have left my babies with a woman in a shop, if i had done as long as she'd taken care of them they would have been fine. People like to act as if mothers are these sacred, magical beings, and only they can care for babies, but the truth is tiny humans are incredibly adaptable and as long as their needs are met they tend to manage perfectly fine with whoever is on hand.

No way I would allow this. If the dc was older I'd say fair enough but not at this age. Let the courts decide.

You absolutely need to have a clear agreement on visitation and how long he can have the baby for.

In this case it it’s detrimental to YOUR CHILD to be separated from you for so long at that age. Yes he knows his father and yes that man isn’t a stranger. It’s still doesn’t mean that it’s ok for him to be separated from you for 4 or 5 days.

@Sellingsunsets20 you have to do what feels right for you and the baby. It sounds like too much too soon. I’m all for father's rights but it’s because of his actions that he’s in this situation so if he doesn’t like it tough. Why upset yourself and your baby (and baby WOULD be upset regardless what others are saying) when there are other options?

Anf btw, he is not TELLING you that he is doing x or y.

You have rights just as much as he has some. That’s why you need a clear agreement in how much he will see the child and when. You need boundaries, clear boundaries before he just garages into your life and makes it hell just because he can.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well, I think YABU caring for a baby isn’t rocket science and I left my 6 mo old with her father for 6 WEEKS due to a work trip. So, to me 5 days is an eyeblink.

(This is assuming you haven’t drip fed some horrorible abuse story on the threat since your OP. )

What do you want a medal? 6 weeks away from your baby and your proud about that?

@PlanDeRaccordement

All this stuff about a 5m old baby needing to be with it's primary carer is absolutely batshit tbh.

Completely agree. All mine were in full time child care/nursery at 11weeks old. Babies are very adaptable.

Full time nursery is not even 24 hours though is it? They were seeing you every night. It’s a totally different situation.

The posters who are posting about how they left their babies with their fathers are spectacularly missing the point.
This baby does not have equal relationships with both parents. The father has not put in enough effort to bond effectively, imo. This is all about what's best for the dad, just like it was when putting his dick in other women was best for him.

And to the bollocks about mums not being more important. Who is more important to the baby, mum or dad? If the baby is as important to dad as he says he is, let him stay local to you and he can have longer and longer spells over a few days. And what sort of parent would be happy taking a poorly or just recovered baby anywhere? One who knows fuck all about parenting. And that is my second point, is this man capable of looking after a child and meeting all it's needs. This isn't a grandparent who is a known and trusted figure.

No , op, he doesn't get to dictate you. Are you scared of him or what happens when you two are together? It sounds like you are truly beaten down by it all. How are you doing generally? Do you have a support network? Because if so,now would be a good time to ask for help. I think that if a third person is there and you are able to ignore any goading or outrageous remarks from him, the whole environment would feel less toxic to everyone, including your baby . Something like the Grey Rock method may help.

Your baby is no doubt the centre of your world , that is clear . it's okay to say no to demands which are clearly not in the baby's best interests. Especially ones coming from people who are in the periphery of the baby's life but consider themselves fully central. They need to work to get the privilege of being central to your baby, regardless of the fact they are genetically connected.
I type so slow , sorry if thread has moved on.

Get support, free legal advice is out there, sorry can't link as in phone. You're baby is lucky having a parent who is willing to facilitate with a man who has been a bastard to you. Perhaps he will step up and become reasonable. Or he will get stroppy for a while, discover how much of a faff all this custody, legal stuff, travelling is. He may lose interest entirely in his son which is heartbreaking but less heartbreaking then the intermittent, unreliable contact practised by shit bags.

Sorry for typists.

In the circumstances, he doesn't get to dictate when he takes a young baby and for how long. It will be difficult but you'll need to enforce some expectations and boundaries on behalf of your child.

Well done for successfully getting through what must have been a most trying set of circumstances.

Good luck.

Nope no way. I would be getting a court order to set visitation, regather than him demanding

Just say No.

A PP was right in that it would be different if the baby was in his own home with everything familiar, but a different carer. Being taken away by someone who doesn’t know how to comfort him to a strange place could be very stressful for your baby.

You say you don’t want to rock the boat. What boat? Your ex already sank that by lying, cheating & moving away. If he wanted a closer relationship with his child he wouldn’t have run back home. And before you make excuses for him ‘he had to move for financial reasons etc etc’, think about what accommodation (eg. Room in shared house) you’d put up with in order to see your child more often.

Sorry if that sounds more ranty than supportive but your ex is a selfish twat with the incredible ability to piss off people who have never even met him.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

All this stuff about a 5m old baby needing to be with it's primary carer is absolutely batshit tbh. I left all of mine for 5-9 days before they were 4 months (and they're all breastfed!!), all with my mum who'd never had them overnight before, they were all absolutely fine, happy as larry and grew up undamaged.

Babies just need to be fed, warm, safe, clean and cuddled. Doesn't matter if it's mum, dad or the lady from the shop.

I would love it if you would share your professional qualifications on which you base this opinion.

Absolutely not. You are the primary carer, you get to say no.

A mother is no more important than a father

True, but a court is likely to think that the primary carer, who in this case is the mother, is more important. I would definitely say no to his demand/request. Let him take you to court.

You can say no to this. I would.

I was at the more relaxed end of the spectrum and started working a few hours a day when DD was 7 weeks old (my parents had her) and from 4 months a babysitter (who I knew well) looked after her while I worked. I started happily leaving DD overnight at a few months old, but there is no way that it would have felt right to leave her with anyone else for five days straight.

I fully agree with you wanting to facilitate and encourage a relationship between this man and his child but I don't think its a fair expectation to have that you will let him take the baby away for that amount of time.

If he had wanted to have all of the privileges of being a proper dad to the baby he should have treated you far far better than he has.

Exactly what @HoofWankingSpangleCunt said.
He is acting like a sperm donor, not a father and because of this I don't think he is entitled to anything without putting some effort in to build a relationship and be a father. And I dont agree that it doesn't matter who the baby is with as long as his needs are being met. The evidence about attachment theory states the importance of a consistent primary carer and you have already eluded to the importance of this by saying that you know your baby, his quirks and how to calm him etc.
There is no way on earth I would let my baby bear him without me.

Why on earth are you letting this man call the shots?!
Find your backbone and say no to him.
You haven't answered the question about whether he's on the birth certificate or not?
And whether he's paying child maintenance?

Perhaps you should seek legal advice about what kind of contact is usually deemed appropriate for a 5 month old baby. There's the free Rights of Women family law helpline, and you might find a local solicitor or law clinic that offers a free initial consultation. Child law advice website and helpline can be very helpful too.

The crucial point though is that you have every right to say no and there's nothing he can do about it, he would have to take you to court although ideally you would reach an agreement between yourselves - but you need legal advice first because it seems he is being a bully about it all and you don't seem confident in standing your ground.

I’m a family court magistrate - under no circumstances would we ever enforce a 4 night stay away for a baby this old who had only spent 1 night away from mum - just no!

It should be about what's best for for the child. I'm not sure taking a 5 month old baby away from it's mother for 4 days is in his best interests. You're still bonding with the baby, and the baby is bonding with you too. I know he's his father, but your baby will have been with you since day 1. Can you go up there with your ds and drop him off for a few hours a day?

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

All this stuff about a 5m old baby needing to be with it's primary carer is absolutely batshit tbh. I left all of mine for 5-9 days before they were 4 months (and they're all breastfed!!), all with my mum who'd never had them overnight before, they were all absolutely fine, happy as larry and grew up undamaged.

Babies just need to be fed, warm, safe, clean and cuddled. Doesn't matter if it's mum, dad or the lady from the shop.

This just is not true. Babies need much more than that. They need to form a secure attachment to their primary care provider. Of course they can be cared for at times by random strangers but they need their primary carer consistently enough for that attachment to feel secure.

I'm just catching up I'm not sure how to tag people but thank you so much for asking how I am. I really appreciate it, it's been hard because it's just me really. I'm really trying because I'm aware we have to do this for a very long time. But I suppose being a pushover won't make anyone happy.

He is on the birth certificate and he has paid me £100 a month so far. Not much I know but really babies don't need a lot at this age

absolutely no way. unfair on your little boy to be away from you for that long at such a young age with someone who by their own choices is practically a stranger. it's also concerning that you said he has no patience. babies can be hard work as we all know so I would really panic about this and that he would loose his temper easily.

let him take you to court if he has a problem with his current visitations

Do you know how much he earns?
Have you checked the legal minimum he should be paying, at www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance