To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

He doesnt realise that this is the culmination of all the effort, pain and joy of raising a child

He's starting uni not riding into the sunset never to be seen again. He is probably under the impression that he'll be allowed home to come back during the holidays and that home is still his home.

@Bubblebu

"Maybe Dad wants to get involved in this stage of ds' life?"

Maybe.

But Dad suddenly wanting to "get involved" at this stage of DS life (and, lets face it, being involved here means literally taking and dropping off an 18 year old at Uni being one day of DS's life, compared with the day to day sacrifices over many years and all the emotional investment of raising a child to adulthood) - I can see your point but that does not take away the grievance you would feel if you were the parent who did that day to day stuff for so many years.

I don't know - maybe Dad really is going to step up to the plate now and visit the son on a regular and consistent basis at Uni, make financial contributions and really be there emotionally for the son over the foreseeable future. But I read it that Dad just wants to do this one day.

Maybe 18 year olds still need real emotional investment but compared with the heavy lifting of both the early years and the teenage years I dont think you can compare the two.

I may have missed some details about what Dad is really planning to do in one of OPs posts in which case apologies).

At the bottom of all these situations kids KNOW who they can depend on and it isn't usually Dad !

As for this :
Maybe 18 year olds still need real emotional investment but compared with the heavy lifting of both the early years and the teenage years I don't think you can compare the two at this age and on they need you more than ever !

VivaMilton

you might be right about the support 18 year olds need - ive not got there yet, my two are still at primary...

'She is not sulking. DS has chosen dad to do the job - do you not believe men can shop for their children? What is it with all the misandrists on this board?'

Of course they can. The point is the OP had planned to and has now changed her mind as some kind of point scoring to the ex. Why? Just get his stuff as she was going to and wave him off. As I said earlier it's about her son going to uni. Focus on that.

I do understand how you feel, since this is a major milestone you’d like to share.

However, as pps have said, give it a month, go and visit, armed with goodies, take him out for a favourite meal, slip him some cash - I’m sure all that will go down very well.

It’s very hard all round when kids feel torn - or are made to feel torn - between two parents. A dd had a uni friend who was so torn and upset one Christmas about which parent to go to - both were putting pressure on him - that he ended up coming to us, instead, so he wouldn’t have to choose.

'He's starting uni not riding into the sunset never to be seen again.'

Exactly! I feel so sorry for the son, such an exciting time and his mother's spoiling it by projecting and being all cat's bum faced about the dad. Parents who arent together anymore please keep this shit to yourselves! kids should really be protected from it.

@GetOffYourHighHorse I know .. if only we were all perfect life would be so simple (and there would be no need for AIBU threads )

kids should really be protected from it.
The "kid" (actually an adult now) brought this about all by himself by changing plans in mid-flow, without thinking of consequences.
OP is perfectly entitled to say that it will muddy the waters if both parents are involved in the shopping and preparation (too many cooks spoil the broth) so she will graciously step back.

God I know exactly how you feel.

Dds dad is taking her ostensibly because he has a bigger car. But also because he pushes me out of everything.

She doesn’t see it as a big deal and is looking forward to him actually having to spend time and money on her and I’m planning to see her the next weekend and do an Ikea run for all The stuff he won’t have got but I’m upset at the same time.

I just have to think it’ll all not matter when she’s 40, like all the stuff about freeing and naps and prams doesn’t matter now.

I think we make it into a big event, in truth it is a non event and they just want to get you gone so they can start mixing. There is loads going on and its pretty much chaos. My son could not wait to see the back of us, I laughed in the end, now I don't do uni drop offs anymore if I can help it.

'The "kid" (actually an adult now) brought this about all by himself by changing plans in mid-flow, without thinking of consequences.'

Ok then, offspring. If uni drop off is a situation God help the OP with weddings, grandchildren etc in the future. It isnt a competition.

Op, I am far from perfect. However in this situation I would be able to put my ds first and not give him any unnecessary and extra angst.

Will it even matter this year? Most universities as far as I know are not allowing accompanying adults any further than the car parks because of Covid. Only students will be allowed indoors. For instance at Bath parents will be be given a 30min car parking slot and the students have to move everything in themselves.

Give him a hug goodbye at home and visit later.

@nokidshere that's interesting to know and kind of makes sense I suppose , he's not in main halls but I suppose it'll be a similar situation
As a friend has pointed out to me , where DS is going to be living is on a residential street with limited parking etc and I cannot parallel park to save my life .. so probably best Ex does take him !

To those saying I should continue with all the shopping , Ex lives an hour away , DS is now going from there it makes more sense that Ex gets the stuff .. rather than me buying it , packing it , unpacking it into his house then him repacking it the next day into his car - disregarding who 'should' buy it and using it to point score it just makes sense logistically

*feeding

I'd be hurt too, OP
You've been the one doing all the legwork, and now you won't be there for the end bit. Seems unfair and rather unfeeling on your son's part.
I do wonder if he's trying to protect you though, by keeping you out of it. Deep down he probably knows what his dad is like, and doesn't want to cause you any undue stress on the day.

Yeah, you definitely need to make your DS step up re the shopping and list making and packing. He's an adult. And if something gets forgotten it's not your fault.

Sounds like you have been a great parent but no need to protect/baby him anymore.

Also, on drop off day go and do something really really fun and treat-y.

Exactly! I feel so sorry for the son, such an exciting time and his mother's spoiling it by projecting and being all cat's bum faced about the dad. Parents who arent together anymore please keep this shit to yourselves! kids should really be protected from it.

This is really uncalled for. Op has made it clear she has in the past shielded her ds from her ex-husbands 'crapness' in not showing up for his son. She is not being unreasonable at feeling a bit put out that, now it suits him, dad has decided to waltz in.

I totally understand how hurt you are feeling and I'd be the same

However, this is mostly down to your Ex & not your DS. Yes, he could have been more thoughtful & saud no to his Dad, told him it was all sorted, BUT he's probably not realised it was such a big deal for you and is probably still wanting whatever scrap of attention his father will give him.

He's still a bit too young to appreciate all the sacrifices you made for him & how much you shielded him from his Dads behaviour, but he will in time.

Also, definitely keep an eye on his attitude to women, but bear in mind that a lot of it right now is just typical teenage 'becoming independent/selfish/thoughtless' stuff.

Definitely leave the rest of the organising/buying up to them. If they forget stuff he can tap his Dad up to send him money to buy it later. They'll have shops where he's going 🤣

Try to look forward to seeing his place & lunch out etc in a few weeks, let Super Twat deal with the parking/rules/chaos of moving in day!

Maybe arrange a day out with an understanding friend - probably the one that pointed out your lack of parking skills!!🤣

Completely agree with @CoddledAsAMommet. And yes, why all this urging OP to suck it up and help the absent dad out? He can do the list.

My take on it? (Not having RTFT) If your ex has never been very involved, your DS will have felt that. And suddenly dad wants to do something with him and he’s grabbing it with both hands - it’s proof to him his dad actually loves him and cares. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck for you, but it probably won’t be a fun experience this year due to Covid. So be zen, take him for a meal the night before and wave him off! Then have a lovely bit of peace for yourself, safe in the knowledge that anything that goes wrong will be the ex’s fault...😉

Your DD’s reaction is harsh, yes.

I have to say though, my DS starts next month and only one parent is allowed to move the student in anyway-DH is going and I’ll stay at home. One parent will not get to go in most situations.

I totally understand why you're pissed off after doing everything and constantly picking up the pieces from his useless dad!

I was bad enough a couple of months ago when DS was only allowed one other person on campus to clear his room (due to COVID-19) and as he's now moved into a rented flat, I was gutted that I couldn't see him in his uni room for the last time and I couldn't help him move into his new flat but I didn't miss the five hour car journey and the stress etc!

It will be hard for you but smile and put on a brave face for your son and wave him off then visit when everything is sorted.

I definitely wouldn't be buying or sorting anything else because his dad will find it hard ........ TOUGH!!!!!

Putting a little box together like you suggested sounds perfect.

Stay completely out of it, wish him well, but don't help

It is his decision, so let them get on without you doing the admin etc
Leave absolutely everything - lists, prep and packing for them to do
then after a month, ask to visit and take him out for a nice meal - by then he'll be eager for some decent food !

Dd's moving in day supermarket food shop was £150, just saying...
That a lot saved for a meal out and treats when you go and visit.

I wouldn't buy anymore just give him the list to "help his Dad out"

"To those saying I should continue with all the shopping , Ex lives an hour away , DS is now going from there it makes more sense that Ex gets the stuff .. rather than me buying it , packing it , unpacking it into his house then him repacking it the next day into his"

I might be making assumptions here but if you are anything like me you sound really organised and have given this a lot of forthought and maybe I am projecting my own Ex here but I would just be imaging my Ex H and my son wandering aimlessly and hopelessly around Sainsburys but knowing that till you go to visit in a fortnight you can predict your son will have been living without a kettle or something else essential because your Ex wont have thought about it (or your son wont). If that is the case then like previous posters have said write your son the suggested list, give it to him, make clear Ex H is paying and then see it as a life lesson for your son if he has to manage without something essentialfor a short time and is too busy with freshers week (!) to go back to the supermarket himself to buy whatever is forgotten. Your son won't forget next time!

It makes me think of my recent angst when my 11 yr old daughter got quite badly sunburnt when staying with my ExH during the hot spell and he did not nag her to put on sunscreen. Several bottles of after sun later and a few lectures from me and I think she will definitely remember for herself to put it on even if her Dad is totally oblivous..........