To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

He is young and originally was probably giving more thought to ‘what his duvet cover says about him’ than your feelings.
Now he realised he has upset you he thinks it’s better to disappoint you because you are his rock, you will not abandon him or let him down. Your love is unconditional. He knows it’s not the same for his Dad.

I run about and do all the shopping and prep as it's 'difficult' for his Dad to do that
Humph. Practise the tinkly laugh. "It's not that difficult. I was going to do it but I'm sure that your dad doesn't want me interfering. He will manage just fine." (said with fingers crossed behind your back!)
When dropping off, I used to help the DC get their first Big Grocery Shop of the term. That's a hundred pounds you've just saved yourself there.

@EustaciaPieface .. the Ex will not like being shuffled away , he'll expect some appreciation for his effort in driving him over there 😁
@policeandthieves .. thanks that makes me feel better

You've all been great thank you.. from the 'FFS get over yourself' to the 'I feel your pain' . .. MN is great for a crisis however minor 😁

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb you made me tear up again ! and

I'm not planning to go. The University wants as few people as possible dropping off for social distancing reasons. I can say goodbye to her at home and it won't make any difference compared to doing it slightly later. I'll pop by later once she's settled in a bit, to see her room and take her out for coffee/lunch. I can wait for that! Fortunately it isn't very far away.

I think some parents need to make this a bit less about them...

Pressed post too soon . @senua the thought of Ex parting with ££ makes me most pleased , I shall remind him of the traditional uni food shop

@irregularegular .. you've got the right attitude , I do realise that I'm being a bit 'what about me ?' my reaction is clouded by my t**t of an ex wading in .. if DS had decided he wanted to go by train/with grandparents/mates etc then I'd be less miffed , it's the fact his normally disinterested father is in the driving seat and DS doesn't see the issue .that hacks me off

I really feel for you. I know that students and parents do feel differently about it but I would have felt just the same as you. Don't even think of buying all his moving-in food etc - that's for his dad to do since he was so keen to take him. If you visit a couple of weeks later you can take him out for more food then.

I bet the Ex will be shuffled away - keep that thought!

Thanks @HollowTalk

If you can afford it then coming up in 3-4 weeks and taking him and a mate out for lunch would be way more interesting. From experience of much younger brothers feeding their mates provoked a life long worship which helps your own relative actually appreciate you!

I think holding firm on the extra buying beyond what you already have (or already promised) is also a good life lesson and the tinkly laugh approach is the best way forward. Then you also get to ride up saving the day in 3 weeks time if it’s actually an issue (or can spend the cash on a treat instead).

@Womencanlift

OP dont get the stuff from the list. Your son is an adult now and he has made the decision (deliberately or not) to exclude you. But he is asking you to still run around for him?? That would be a no from me.

Why does it all go in the woman to do the organising. He has asked his dad to be involved in this event - he can do it all.

By all means get him a gift of nice stuff but the boring necessities, that’s a dad or son chore now

Yes OP, this is the answer.

And well done for being such an amazing mum.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'already spent a small fortune gathering things he needs and is now petty for not buying the last things? Get a grip!'

But she had planned on buying the last things, now she's sulking and is making some kind of point.

It's a shame that separated parents do stuff like this. It should be about the son going to uni not past grievances with the ex.

Or maybe @GetOffYourHighHorse the OP does not feel like being a doormat. She is not sulking. DS has chosen dad to do the job - do you not believe men can shop for their children? What is it with all the misandrists on this board?

I would say to your ds "do you want me to send you an example shopping list for your first supermarket shop or will he do that?" Make it clear it is expected that if he is taking your son he is the one to pay for it! If you make the list (with your sins help) it will ensure his father won't scrimp.

I think you have handled this very well OP.

It's a shame that separated parents do stuff like this. It should be about the son going to uni not past grievances with the ex.

The OP has gently explained her feelings and accepted that her son has made his decision. My son is a year older and knowing when to step back and leave them to it is an important skill ime.

Maybe Dad wants to get involved in this stage of ds' life? Buying a few bits and the first grocery shop would be a helpful way to send ds off and OP standing back will keep that process less difficult. It's not "difficult " to shop thanks to the Internet and if ds wants Dad involved then op is right to respect that.

"Maybe Dad wants to get involved in this stage of ds' life?"

Maybe.

But Dad suddenly wanting to "get involved" at this stage of DS life (and, lets face it, being involved here means literally taking and dropping off an 18 year old at Uni being one day of DS's life, compared with the day to day sacrifices over many years and all the emotional investment of raising a child to adulthood) - I can see your point but that does not take away the grievance you would feel if you were the parent who did that day to day stuff for so many years.

I don't know - maybe Dad really is going to step up to the plate now and visit the son on a regular and consistent basis at Uni, make financial contributions and really be there emotionally for the son over the foreseeable future. But I read it that Dad just wants to do this one day.

Maybe 18 year olds still need real emotional investment but compared with the heavy lifting of both the early years and the teenage years I dont think you can compare the two.

I may have missed some details about what Dad is really planning to do in one of OPs posts in which case apologies).

DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits

Agree op. I think your DS has been thoughtless but also agree with pp who said this is because he is secure that you love him, which means you're a great mum.

Bubblebu I suspect OP is right and her ex isn't doing it for "good reasons" but a post further down telling her to grow up and buy the stuff is very unfair.

If things go tits up I'm sure that op will be there for ds

Netflix.

Agreed.

OP needs reassurance that this is NOT the big Dad turnaround in his relationship with his son (which, let's face it, is at a point when the son goes to Uni after all these years so even if he does become "super Dad" its still going to be at best a part time role in terms of legwork for Dad) - which might mean son starts to view OP in a different light. Or at least I would hope so.

Uni generally is a growing up / rite of passage for many students (I work at a Uni....) but any distancing son moves towards away from OP will be because of that and not because Dad has suddenly turned up to "save the day".

I'd be upset too, but I genuinely think "He just didn't think"

He doesn't realise this is the culmination of all the effort, pain and joy of raising your child.

I get that it hurts.

Try to see it from your sons point of view, if his dad has largely been uninterested and not shown up, your boy probably can’t help himself when his dad dangles a carrot of interest in him. It’s sad really, but I don’t think it’s a reflection on his relationship with you.

At some point, you will give him a kiss, a big hug, wish him luck and wave him off.* Does it really make any difference if it is at your front door or at his?*

This is the way to look at it. And maybe steal the 'dad role'. Do none of the initial cleaning/shopping/packing. Slip him twenty quid (going rate in the 90s - see inflation) and tell him to buy his new mates some beers. Job done. That's what my dad did, and I remember it fondly.

Interestingly I don't remember drop-off day. I do remember my mum taking me round IKEA and choosing pans and glasses with me. I still own a couple of them. That's the actual #makingmemories. It made me a grown up. Let dad have the drop off. No one gives a crap about that.

tbh i think the real issue here is that DS and his dad were happy for OP to run around making all the preparations and buy the things and that is a complete bloody faff that i refused to take on with mine (i worked out how much i thought they'd need and gave them that money and that was the end of my involvement)

The breezy expectation that OP would continue to do all the grunt work - yeah, i'd also be worried about what sort of son I'd raised too and would be taking a huge step back. And asking when i could expect the reimbursement (not that I'd want it but it makes a point)