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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

294 replies

teatotalling · 26/08/2020 17:38

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip Grin(and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

OP posts:
IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 27/08/2020 11:50

OP: maybe because you call it " drop off duty": "drop off" = dump and leave " duty " -something I have to do but don't really want to. If you're son is going to uni, get used to the fact that you are not the centre of his universe!

Bubblebu · 27/08/2020 11:56

Igiveup

Seems a bit harsh. Everyone reacts to empty nest syndrome differently.
And I think OP has alluded to the fact that her son's approach to this has felt disrespectful of OP in light of the efforts OP has made for him, which maybe she did out of "duty" or maybe she did out of love or maybe she did them for her son for a combination of the two?

Yeah some parents my approach the going to uni day as "Thank Goodness for that" but everyone is different...........

GetOffYourHighHorse · 27/08/2020 12:05

'To those saying I should continue with all the shopping , Ex lives an hour away , DS is now going from there it makes more sense that Ex gets the stuff .. rather than me buying it , packing it , unpacking it into his house then him repacking it the next day into his"

Ah now if you'd said it like that in the first place I'd have said yanbu, makes sense. But the original 'I've been snubbed, it's not fair! so I'm going to make my Ds feel guilty' didn't sound quite like that.

tillytown · 27/08/2020 12:10

I can't believe anyone would think you have to do the shopping. Its nuts. Your son is adult enough to go to uni, he is adult enough to make a list of the stuff he needs and to go buy it.

HazelWong · 27/08/2020 12:16

can't believe anyone would think you have to do the shopping. Its nuts. Your son is adult enough to go to uni, he is adult enough to make a list of the stuff he needs and to go buy it.

I totally agree. What is going on with young adults these days? My parents did drop me off to university but I did all of my own packing and organising and it would have felt a bit insulting if my parents had tried to do it for me.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2020 12:17

DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits hmm
This is perfect op. You’re his loving mum and you will look after him but you won’t run around any more making his dad look good and compensating for his choices. He chooses dad this time, he and dad do the rest of the work. You can arrive with lifesaving packages in a week or two when it’s just you.

Bubblebu · 27/08/2020 12:35

OP I don't know what is on the list you had thought about and I dont know what (if anything) is going to be provided at DS's destination accommodation - but if you are really worried that DS is literally going to have no sheets on the bed or no spare boxer shorts etc (and some things only you might know how enthusiastic ExH will be to buy new from Sainsburys, make a shorter "really essentials list for your son - for example a sleeping bag, a bar of soap, a towel, and say to your son pack this suitcase and the rest your father and you can get from the supermarket when you get there.

Personally I think this is a reasonable compromise. Noted son is going from your ExH house directly but if you think your ExH will no way kit your son out properly at a supermarket then just tell your son what needs to go in a survival suitcase, he has to pack it,he has to carry it and the rest ExH can either buy or your son will just have to live off pot noodles , baked beans and sandwiches from the local corner shop or whatever until you decide to visit him.

(and even then you need to decide in your head how much you can afford to kit your son out yourself - you never know if he is in shared student digs one of his house mates might bring a whole kitchen with them which they let your son use till you visit and decide what is really missing and essential)

Unlike previous posters at 18 years I do not think this is making your son "choose" between you and father .

Even if his father does not get your son what turns out to be "essentials" at the supermarket he can learn to manage without till you get there at a time to suit you in a few weeks.

It is not easy but a lot of uni is a learn by your mistakes growing up process for students (I know I work at a uni....)

and your son might be partying and making friends so much till you visit he hardly notices what he otherwise could have had if you had packed and taken him there yourself. Or if he is not that type you just make it clear to your DS before he leaves that if his father does not buy it he has to manage without until you do arrive.

ilovebagpuss · 27/08/2020 12:46

I remember my drop off day and you are so keen to go and get on with it my poor parents were practically shoved out the door!
Definitely appreciated a few weekends later them coming up going for a curry shopping etc and I had lots to tell them.

buffywillpatroltonight · 27/08/2020 12:58

I didn't grow up with my dad and we have a strained and quite difficult relationship. I asked him to drop me off/pick me up from uni because I wanted to feel like I'd shared some significant moments with him and I guess pretend to myself that we had a normal relationship. My mum didn't say anything about it and I hope she wasn't hurt (probably more relieved as I went to uni about as far away as it was possible to get). Not necessarily same thing for your son but it's about how the child feels about going to uni, not the parents.

ColleagueFromMars · 27/08/2020 13:06

Just another voice adding to the "it's really not all that" tone. Graduation is the biggie, which you probably want to be priming your son for now that you will expect to be at that one! Also, gentle reminder that it's HIS first day at uni, not yours. One drop off does not make any difference to the 18 years of wonderful moments you've had up until this point, and the many more to come.

He's what, 18 or nearly 18? And very soon going to be living independently. It's up to him to prepare himself for that. I'd leave your list in the bin, and make it clear to him without drama that the list, packing etc is all his responsibility, and that if he would like any help you are happy to advise, give him a lift to the supermarket and teach him how to meal plan and budget, but at the end of the day if he gets there and there's no milk for tea or only three socks then he will have to fix it himself. Not because you're sore that he's chosen his dad for the 1 hour slot drop off but because he's making a major life transition to young adult now and he's going to be responsible for himself, so that starts in the preparation.

mrpumblechook · 27/08/2020 13:09

DH took DD to university by himself because there wasn't enough room in the car for me once all her stuff was packed. I didn't see it as a big deal to be honest. I'm not sure what you mean by shopping but if you in a supermarket shop wouldn't it be better for them to do it when they get there? Otherwise milk, meat etc will be in the car for several hours. It will mean your ex has to pay for it too so win win.

mrpumblechook · 27/08/2020 13:10

if you in a supermarket shop if you mean a supermarket shop

Original poster
teatotalling · 27/08/2020 13:16

Thanks everyone ..
I've got over myself a bit now and think it's all okay and not as big a deal as I was feeling , I was carried away on a wave of emotion ( although will still have a tear in my eye on the day)
The Uni are only allowing one person with the student and there's a hour slot to collect key and move in then need to move the car etc
I will go over in October and take him out for a meal and get to see the room etc then (if he lets me !)

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows Hmm

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 13:16

Don't you bloody dare lift a further finger.

Dad wants to be the Big Parent? That's fine. Go ahead and do it :)

All of your recent comments are correct, OP.

If there's even a hint that actually your son sees you there as the woman who does stuff now is your chance to laugh and say, ah, don't think so.

and if that means that he gets to uni with a small meanly-prepped box of cheap food, well, looks like a good start to him becoming an adult and not being protected by you from what his father is really like. Double win, I'd say.

He knows full well his dad won't do the same for him. Let him feel the effects of that, and put the two and two together, that if he'd not let his dad elbow his way in... well.

And then you can visit him in a few weeks, happy, smiling, full of delight to see his new place, with a great hamper of stuff for him and a wee present, and he can sit back and compare the two experiences. (Especially if his twat of a dad will expect the red carpet rolled out and to get to stay and grandstand rather than being nicely binned off as any proper parent would expect).

I will do a box with bits in (that they'll forget like hangover kit etc ) some alcohol, smelly reed things , febreze and include photos of his cat and the dog

err, don't.

Remember what you said upthread?

Your son will expect that of you. No. He can expect that from his father, and it shouldn't be an issue - right?!

mrpumblechook · 27/08/2020 13:24

@FizzyGreenWater

Don't you bloody dare lift a further finger.

Dad wants to be the Big Parent? That's fine. Go ahead and do it :)

All of your recent comments are correct, OP.

If there's even a hint that actually your son sees you there as the woman who does stuff now is your chance to laugh and say, ah, don't think so.

and if that means that he gets to uni with a small meanly-prepped box of cheap food, well, looks like a good start to him becoming an adult and not being protected by you from what his father is really like. Double win, I'd say.

He knows full well his dad won't do the same for him. Let him feel the effects of that, and put the two and two together, that if he'd not let his dad elbow his way in... well.

And then you can visit him in a few weeks, happy, smiling, full of delight to see his new place, with a great hamper of stuff for him and a wee present, and he can sit back and compare the two experiences. (Especially if his twat of a dad will expect the red carpet rolled out and to get to stay and grandstand rather than being nicely binned off as any proper parent would expect).

I will do a box with bits in (that they'll forget like hangover kit etc ) some alcohol, smelly reed things , febreze and include photos of his cat and the dog

err, don't.

Remember what you said upthread?

Your son will expect that of you. No. He can expect that from his father, and it shouldn't be an issue - right?!

I think you are being a bit bitchy to OP's son. It probably didn't even occur to him that OP would want the hassle of giving him a lift there and maybe he thought she would be pleased if his dad did it. Not nice to suggest that he should have a "small meanly-prepped box of cheap food" to score points over the dad.
GetOffYourHighHorse · 27/08/2020 13:26

Glad you're feeling less rattled op. Good luck for your DS, a new era!

"there's even a hint that actually your son sees you there as the woman who does stuff now is your chance to laugh and say, ah, don't think so'

Oh good grief, it's what mothers do, well dads too but maybe not this dad.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 13:27
Hmm

try re-reading.

I was inferring that if the Dad is left to do the grunt work, it's likely that OP's son will end up getting a far less nice food shop than if his mum had done it. Because his Dad has proven time and time again that he doesn't give much of a shit, but likes the glory. So if the son gets to see that first hand, it's not a bad life lesson.

GCAcademic · 27/08/2020 13:29

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows hmm

Yes, my twat radar told me that might happen.

minnieok · 27/08/2020 13:29

We went together to drop off dd despite being part way through divorce, obviously pre covid. Most kids only had one parent dropping them off partly due to car capacity.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 13:30

Oh good grief, it's what mothers do

And there speaks the mother of the future useless DH who expects his wife to wait hand and foot and is astonished to hear that he's jointly responsible for the shitwork.

Feel free to browse the eleventy billion threads on it!

Good parents teach independence. Good mothers to men also teach sons, forthrightly if necessary, that mens' time is not more valuable than womens', and that doing 'stuff' for other people is not the default role of women.

CharityDingle · 27/08/2020 13:30

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows

I wonder would this be because he has got the message that everything won't be packed up and ready for him. And will he suddenly have the day off, if you do all the hard work. I have said it upthread, if I were you, I would stick with leaving the prep to your son and his dad.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 13:31

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows

Would sending just a crying laughing emoji be too much here? Seeing as hopefully from now on you need to have even LESS to do with the bellend?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 13:35

I wonder would this be because he has got the message that everything won't be packed up and ready for him.

Of course it is. He'd expected a nice day off, a drive out, a nose around his son's house, getting to show off as Dad.

Not to actually do some parenting shitwork like packing and shopping! Um, isn't that for 'Er Indoors?

Aaaaaand that's because he's a nasty entitled male shitbag, and you can bet your bum that he was at least partly BORUGHT UP to be that entitled shitbag.

Which is why he presumably made such a defective, not worth staying with husband!

Which is why, one presumes, that OP made the connections she did upthread. She doesn't want a son who one day will treat his wife like a fucking grunt... and so she has doled out a gentle lesson to that son now. And here's the result. Dad showing his colours once again.

Annasgirl · 27/08/2020 13:35

@CharityDingle

Have had a message from Ex saying he's now not sure he can get the day off but he'll let me know as soon as he knows

I wonder would this be because he has got the message that everything won't be packed up and ready for him. And will he suddenly have the day off, if you do all the hard work. I have said it upthread, if I were you, I would stick with leaving the prep to your son and his dad.

I agree with this OP.

Well done you on getting through this - I can't imagine how upset you must have been yesterday, even more so as the main single parent to an only child. But you will get through it.

seayork2020 · 27/08/2020 13:36

This should be about your son, sure i will be emotional when my son finishes school or if he goes off to uni but those events are about him not me, so it is up to him how the practicalities work, if he want me to help I will in anyway because I love him but again up to him

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