To be upset by not being on University Drop Off Duty

[teatotalling]

Name changed as this is possibly a bit outing ...

DS , after lots of A Level drama and clearing , finding accommodation etc ..has got into Uni and can move in , in three weeks time .

Me & DS Father split twelve years ago and are both remarried and Ex is currently going through a divorce , DS lived with me throughout and stayed with his Father once or twice a month , depending on his work etc
We do not have an amicable relationship at all .. history of emotional and financial abuse

Throughout the trauma of A Level Results Day his only contribution was ' hope your Mother is doing something about it '

He is currently at his Dads and messaged me today to say that he's booked his moving in slot and that his Dad will pick him up from home , we'll load all his stuff in to his car (that I have been collecting ready for him to pack) , then they'll go have lunch and go do Uni drop off
Explained that I was wanting to go (I drive and have a car ) and DS told me he didn't think it was a big thing and can't understand why I'm bothered
(It's not an option for me to go along with them )and that's it all been agreed and he can't change it now

Ex says he has a right to be there for 'all the big events' but has never shown interest in first/last days of school , school plays , Uni open days etc- just this and out of the blue

AIBU to be hurt/hacked off at being binned by DS on a milestone day or am I over reacting and need to get a grip (and just arrange to go and see him sometime instead , I'm not an emotional embarrassing mum who is going to weep in front of him !)

It's tough .. I'm torn between wanting to make it all go smoothly after the nightmare of losing offer places , getting revised results , then clearing then finding accommodation.. to showing him what happens when you 'don't think' , I was half hoping DS to be adult enough to say to his Father 'Mum is narked she doesn't get to take me so I think it's best if she does after all the prep she's done ' but obviously I'm expecting too much there .

Then I also feel I've failed by having a DS that doesn't think/care ! Siiiigh I need a

He's home Monday

I feel your hurt, but only because I am now a mum (albeit 18 years away from uni drop off!).

On my first day of uni (2002), my mum and I think sister came up with me. But I honestly can't remember much about it apart from we got my keys, went to my room, unpacked some things and then I think I made friends with the girl in the room opposite me so we drank wine.... I don't remember my mum leaving or if we did anything before she went. We didn't take photos or anything.

What I DO remember, and I'm ashamed to say I didn't really appreciate much at the time, was that she'd packed two boxes full of things without me knowing - little things like tea bags, coffee, biscuits, a blanket, bed sheets, a cushion, beer, wine, toiletries... things that individually seem insignificant but when put together in boxes mean a great deal, especially when I know she was very short on money at that time.

I will always remember that, and always remember the thought and the love behind it, much more than her being there to drop me off.

I think it’s ok to be hurt and you should be able to question why your son has asked his dad to take him after a longtime of lacklustre input, but I know teens can be very prickly and it’d be a shame to spoil your time with him.

I wonder if it’s one of two things:

1. your ex has bamboozled/guilted your son into giving him the opportunity to take him (because he’s a shit who wants to steal the glory, so to speak).

2. your son is hoping that he’ll make his dad proud by showing him his accomplishment of getting to university. Those of us with disinterested dads know that it won’t, but that the dad will enjoy performing and showing off.

I'm overthinking it aren't I? I feel robbed if a moment but I've had plenty of others that ExH has missed (out of his choice)
It's one day and there'll be others (I'm bagsying Graduation Day - if he gets there )
The house will be getting sold and hopefully will moving into a narrowboat (there'll be a spare sofa for weekends for him )

@doctorboo I think you have hit the nail on the head there !

DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits.

Exactly. Let his dad do some of the heavy lifting, for a change. I imagine your son didn't think it was a big deal, but I do understand why you feel hurt.
I probably wouldn't give the ex the satisfaction of hearing how you feel about it.

Have some . You deserve it.

I went to university on my own, no parents to accompany me (1988). Why do parents want to baby their kids going? It totally baffles me.

I would be annoyed, sounds like his dad is doing it all for show yet misses all the nutty gritty parenting when it suits him.

Let him have his moment OP and seethe quietly, although I fully understand you probably want to explode at your ex.

Actually, I wouldnt dig the list out like this.
Because your ds seems to basically be expecting to graft all the work and for him to just turn up and have had someone doing everything for him.
It also seems that your ex expects that to happen too. Happy to drive and do the easy/nice part of the move to Uni but none of the work.

So ... my first reaction would be to ask your ds how he is planning to prepare everything so that things are ready for when his dad turns up.

So YY to help him take everything, remind him and so on.
But NO for you to dig the lost out, take the boxes, pack everything wo your ds (or ex) lifting a finger

I do think it's different these days One - when I went to Uni - late 70s- we didn't need so much 'stuff' (bedding, kitchen things etc all provided for us) so I just went up on the train with a suitcase ... met some other students in the train and had a great time .

@Onedayatatime43 if he'd decided he was going by himself then I would be proud - although it's a pain of a train journey .. to decide he'd rather have his half assed father there (but me do all the prep) is what's baffling/hurtful but also realise I'm probably menopausal/emptynest emotional

I've had I'm more mellow now

@Onedayatatime43

I went to university on my own, no parents to accompany me (1988). Why do parents want to baby their kids going? It totally baffles me.

It’s truly bizarre. I went 1990.

You want your mum to go with to uni as much as you want her to pick you up from school when you’re a teenager!

I drove myself.

DS apologised for 'not thinking' and asked if I could get the list stuff as thats 'difficult' for his Dad to do , I've said they should do it together that's half the battle of the event , you can't cherry pick the 'not so difficult' bits

Well done for standing up for yourself there.
Your ex might have ‘won’ (in his eyes...) but your ds needs to realise how much you have done for him before. Yes he knows this (that’s why he asked you to pick up x and y) but I dint think he had actually really understood it. Let him experience having to 1- deal with his dad who can’t be bothered/won’t want to spend money etc... and 2- appreciate the amount of work that is involved for himself.

And the in tow weeks time, turn up and have lunch with him. Visit his room and help get the bits he will have forgotten (because he will)

@QuestionMarkNow - I think I tend to agree , I'll be there in a support/nagging role without doing the prep - I can cope with being binned off to a certain degree but I'm appalled if I've inadvertently raised a bloke who thinks women are there to do stuff for him

@TatianaBis that actually makes me feel a lot better

Xpost. It’s not that he’d rather have his father there. His dad was there, his dad offered, DS said sure why not. It was that simple. He didn’t think it was a big thing as he told you, he’s surprised you’re bothered. It’s no reflection on you at all.

I totally understand how you feel OP - even though I was in tears after I'd dropped mine off for their first terms at Uni (4 of them), I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It's not just the drop off, it's the last time they properly feel like they're your 'child'. I'm sure mine didn't know how much it meant to me until they saw how I reacted on the day. My DH was there a couple of times but wasn't really bothered in the same way I was.

I think you should let your DS know how important this is to you (while ensuring he knows you understand it's exciting for him so it's not all about you) - you're proud of him and it's a milestone you don't want to miss out on.

I'm with you, OP. YANBU.

Leave the men to it. I'm sure you can sell this to DS in a positive way, not as you taking the hump. Don't worry about things being left off the list - most University towns are full of shops selling student-y stuff (bed linen, saucepans, etc) so they can sort it on site if needs be.
But be ready to ride to the rescue, though.

Xpost again. Good!

'can cope with being binned off to a certain degree but I'm appalled if I've inadvertently raised a bloke who thinks women are there to do stuff for him'

You haven't been 'binned', his dad is giving him a lift. Why would you think you'd raised a bloke who thinks women are there to do stuff for him? Your his parent' it's part of the job. Put your jealousy to one side and grow up.

Don’t feel bad about it. University drop off I’d drop off child and then parent/s get very quickly ushered away. It might be ds just wants to play it cool and therefore would chose his more ‘removed’ father to do this job. A visit where you take him out for a meal, get him a bit off shopping and spend time with him is much the better deal x

Remember, he’s going to uni during a pandemic, it won’t be a normal drop off, parents will play an even smaller role than usual as accommodation is being reorganised to accommodate social distancing etc. I work for a university and our students have an arrival slot and there won’t be any hanging around for friends and family this year. You’ll be able to see him at a later date and have a lovely time with him.

@GetOffYourHighHorse ..the fact is that that his expectations are that his father drives him there and I run about and do all the shopping and prep as it's 'difficult' for his Dad to do that

@senua thanks .. that's the stance I'm going to take , I have no knowledge of Uni life at all that's probably part of the problem he's the first one to go in our family.. on both sides

I suspect he just didn't think it was a big deal. Virtually every boy I know who has gone to uni ( mine included) have essentially unloaded their stuff and said thanks/see you later and that's it.
With my second we put him on the train and visited a month later by which time he was actually glad to see us.