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Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 26/08/2020 17:54

@HollowTalk

I'd tell him that he creeped her out and that she'd asked me not to bring him along.
100% this.
Sexnotgender · 26/08/2020 17:55

Embarrass the fucker when she’s there.

God Keith I can believe the difference in you when Sarah’s here, usually you spend the whole time ignoring us on your phone!

everythingthelighttouches · 26/08/2020 17:55

I’m so sorry OP.

This has been normalised in your life and going on for a while. I think you are focusing on the “who to tell/how to tell” to distract yourself from what is obvious to all of us.

Your husband is being horrible, absolutely hideous, to you and you and it is having such a detrimental effect on you, you are now feeling so angry (quite rightly).

I think you should book yourself in with an online counselling (there’s tonnes now). On. Your. Own.

Don’t talk to him, just work through these issues with a counsellor and see if you can bring yourself to leave him.

It’s what I and most people on here would tell you to do, but it’s easier said than done.

Flowers
Ritascornershop · 26/08/2020 17:55

I absolutely concur @TheSecondMrsAshwell If he’s behaving so far outside boundaries I don’t know that anyone can count on him grasping what women find okay. Some people have said not to drag the friend into it - it’s not about expecting her to fix it, it’s about forewarning her to be cautious in his presence.

lioncitygirl · 26/08/2020 17:57

Please value yourself more OP - this isn’t right.

lovelifehope · 26/08/2020 18:01

How pathetic he sounds.Tell him that because of his hankering for your friend you find him completely repulsive and you dont fancy him anymore, and if he doesn’t up his game it’s over. I just couldn’t put up with this at all Op.

NataliaOsipova · 26/08/2020 18:05

@Sexnotgender

Embarrass the fucker when she’s there.

God Keith I can believe the difference in you when Sarah’s here, usually you spend the whole time ignoring us on your phone!

Your friend knows. She’s hardly going to ask you if you think your DH fancies her, so she won’t tell you that she knows. But she does. This is the only way to call it out in front of both of them. She then gets validation that she’s right and can adjust her behaviour accordingly; he gets made to look like a bit of a prat.
Ritascornershop · 26/08/2020 18:06

@lovelifehope do bad partners really respond to that though? In my experience no. And how do you come back from it, knowing you’ve had to compel him to behave normally/decently? I just don’t believe we can force anyone to behave in a loving way.

JenniferSantoro · 26/08/2020 18:06

Blimey he sounds really creepy obsessing like this. I’m not at all surprised you’re really pissed off with him. He needs reading the riot act. I’m not sure what else to say. You and your children deserve much better than to be treated in this way💐

sideorderofchips · 26/08/2020 18:07

Your friend knows. My friend told me how she didn't want a relationship with my husband. He was just a friend etc etc etc.

Yeah 2 year affair.

momtoboys · 26/08/2020 18:07

Anyone else wonder if something more is going on between the Dh and the friend?

Heffalooomia · 26/08/2020 18:08

she'll be wondering why I've been going along with it, playing happy families and why I'm saying all this now?
and there's the problem, he gaslit you into it and you went along with it because we trust those we are close to and instinctively give them the benefit of the doubt.
He know's that gives him enough cover to carry on and the longer he can keep that plate spinning the more you feel as if you have been complicit (because you didnt call him out) his strategy relies on you feeling awkward confused intimidated and embarrassed

dwiz8 · 26/08/2020 18:09

@SaxonSeverity

Yes but she'll be wondering why I've been going along with it, playing happy families and why I'm saying all this now?
She would be right to wonder that

Tbh OP why have you been going along with this?

Greenkit · 26/08/2020 18:09

I really hope you take everyone's advice on board, just a really disrespectful man.

Heffalooomia · 26/08/2020 18:11

he gets made to look like a bit of a prat
obvs he deserves it but be careful, he will want to punish anyone who embarrasses him, if you publicly humiliate him in-front of the crush you leave him very exposed
he will pay you back

Malbecqueen · 26/08/2020 18:20

This isn't about embarassing him to get him to stop - it's about having some self-respect and demanding better for yourself. Do you think he would stand you flirting away in front of another man? If he would, then why is it ok for him? If he wouldn't, then he doesn't care about you and you should dump him anyway

To be honest, given the way he treats you - it doesn't sound like you've got a huge amount of foundation for a respectful loving relationship. This is even more so if you a) won't stand up for yourself and b) won't confront him on these things

Do you really want your kid learning this about relationships and how to value you or any woman?

Branleuse · 26/08/2020 18:21

I dont understand why youre being so passive.
Just tell him his showing off in front of your mutual friend and trying to muscle in on your girls days out is embarrassing and intrusive. That its clear that he has a crush but you wont allow him to humiliate you further or come between you and your good friend.
Please dont bring it up in front of her. She likely has no desire to be in the middle of your marital problems. It also doesnt matter how long youve been together. Noone is immune to being cheated on

Oldraver · 26/08/2020 18:23

I think you need to say..."DH, stopp sniffing round my friend. You're an embarrassment and it's disrespectful to me"

fuck off you twat

JeremyBeremy · 26/08/2020 18:31

How do you tell your mum? You tell her as it is. She's your mum. She doesn't need it sugarcoating and surely she'd be in your corner?

Then, she can tell DH that she's noticed it. That would probably even be a lot more effective than you telling him, he would be less likely to try to gaslight your mum into thinking she's seeing things, but he can convince you that you're overreacting a lot more easily.

The thing is, if you continue feeling frustrated and yet doing nothing, eventually you'll explode and you won't be able to control what you say or how you say it. I think you should consider tackling this now in an appropriate way before it gets to that point x

ktp100 · 26/08/2020 19:22

If you're prepared to put up with this level of shit because of what other people will think you need to have a word with yourself & sort your self-respect/self-worth out.

Not having a go but really, no adult woman should be taking this.

badacorn · 26/08/2020 19:24

I like @Oldraver idea

He needs to be told bluntly imo. If he thinks he’s being subtle now he needs to have it spelled out.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 26/08/2020 19:27

I have to disagree with a few PP.

Do not bring your friend into the middle of this shit. She's not there to embarrass or discipline, or even witness anyone or anything.

By all means, privately discuss that he's a shit husband. You could even mention "he fancies you - not sure if you realised - sorry if you ever felt uncomfortable."

Dealing with your husband though - friend should have absolutely nothing to do with.

He has no respect for you. It sounds like he has no interest in family life. It sounds like you're getting worn down by his attitude & behaviour. It sounds like it's over. Why not take some time to work out what life you can sort out without him. Do have a job? Could you afford to run a house alone (check benefits etc). What position would you be in in terms of dividing assets in a divorce.

You don't need him. You're strong enough to handle living with the twat so you're definitely strong enough to handle live without him.

Gingerfish91 · 26/08/2020 19:29

I’m not a jealous person at all and I’m sure my husband has fancied other women over the last 25 years! This situation though is weird! He has absolutely no respect for you at all! I’m gobsmacked!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 19:31

Always stick to the truth. 'We split because he's in love with someone else.' You can leave it at that, 'I'd rather not go into details.

He won't 'be told' or have a 'chat' or a rational discussion or see a counsellor. He's shown you what his reaction will be. He wants to carry on like this and for you to put up with it.

Midsommar · 26/08/2020 19:33

Jesus OP. Your husband sounds like a lovesick puppy. You need to pull him up on his behaviour and have it out with him. Hope you're OK.