Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 27/08/2020 09:17

Thats awful. I would tell everyone whats going on then leave.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 09:21

@VoldemortsMaid

Why do women put up with shit like this?!?

Sort it out OP you're letting women down with this one Confused

Not just that, but what appears to be other women telling her to get the friend to sort it.

It’s hugely dismaying if you think about it. Partner treating you like shit and hitting on another woman? Get her to tell him she’s not interested. Then he’s all yours babe.

Emeraldshamrock · 27/08/2020 09:26

Jesus your poor friend been stalked by a creep. 🤮
Your DH is the creepy weird obsessive idiot, get rid.
I've chills just reading about his strange behaviour.

Original poster
SaxonSeverity · 27/08/2020 09:28

Thank you for all the responses. I think you're right, this isn't anything to do with the friend. It's all about DH's behaviour, but more importantly mine.

I think I just doubt myself. What if I'm wrong? What if he's just trying to do nice things for a friend? I don't want to come across as an awful, jealous person.

The next time he tries to plan something or tells me what a lovely person friend is, I will definitely confront him, but not in an accusing way. I don't think I'll even mention the fact I think he fancies his woman. However, I will point out that he shouldn't be making so much effort for someone else who does nothing for him, whilst I am sat here doing everything.

OP posts:
Histrionicz · 27/08/2020 09:42

Oh OP, your reply is going to get some backs up... 🤦🏼‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 09:51

Oh dear op, that’s very sad. 💐

Emeraldshamrock · 27/08/2020 09:55

I don't think I'll even mention the fact I think he fancies his woman. However, I will point out that he shouldn't be making so much effort for someone else who does nothing for him, whilst I am sat here doing everything
You bloody well should it is as seen as the nose on your face.
Obviously it is your decision you're very foolish.
Your poor friend deserves better than a friendship with a creepy perv DH hunting her.

unmarkedbythat · 27/08/2020 09:57

Oh, op :(

Yeahnahmum · 27/08/2020 09:57

Next time you are out together I would point out to your friend that he isn't anywhere as near as helpful or kind as he is at home when she isn't there and that he must be trying to impress her. He'll be mortified. You don't deserve this treatment, but she doesn't either, so hopefully she'll see through his buffoonery.

Op. This ^^

And also. This is more then just some silly crush inhis head. This is an actual real 'being in love' scenario. And YOU need to end it. Or end your relationship op.

TimelyManor · 27/08/2020 10:12

OP, please can you take some time to have a think about your marriage, setting aside your DH's thing with the friend?

Original poster
SaxonSeverity · 27/08/2020 10:12

What do I say though? Can I just say that this stops now and he is not to be in contact with her?

Wouldn't I be just as controlling as him if I said that?

To be honest, I have said this before, and he argues that she is a friend and i can't tell him who he can and can't speak to.

What can I do?

OP posts:
nc600 · 27/08/2020 10:19

Who's friend is she?

Just tell him you're embarrassed for him, he's behaving like an utter creep and must be giving her the ick. That you won't accept the complete disrespect he's showing you either.

Why won't you ever say to him what you believe to be true?! Shock

Velvian · 27/08/2020 10:19

You talk about you, what you find acceptable in a relationship, how you expect to be treated. You say that it has made you question your whole relationship and you will be looking yourself a bit more and doing less for him.

You don't need to tell him what to do or what he cannot do, you talk about you. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 10:22

Op are you financially reliant on him? Is this it? You don’t want to risk your position because you’ve four kids and need him ?

Because otherwise you just tell him to fucking stop perving on her or he’s out.

Friendsoftheearth · 27/08/2020 10:22

Ask him to leave as he has no respect for you if you can not understand even why this might be upsetting.

It is not controlling to have boundaries op! To have red lines that work with your values as a human being, if we did not have certain boundaries in the world what would happen - we would live in anarchy and fear. Agreed behaviour, boundaries, consequences are the life blood of a civilised society, so why do you feel they are controlling?

You are telling someone that their behaviour is upsetting you, causing you pain is not controlling!

If he argues that she is a friend and he can do what he likes, you should ask him if his friend is more important than your feelings? Is she more important than you? He is your dh, he should 100% have your back - 100% on your side in the world. What is he doing there if he chooses everyone over you every single time?

Time to stop hiding behind the truth and confront the issue.

JeremyBeremy · 27/08/2020 10:28

@SaxonSeverity

What do I say though? Can I just say that this stops now and he is not to be in contact with her?

Wouldn't I be just as controlling as him if I said that?

To be honest, I have said this before, and he argues that she is a friend and i can't tell him who he can and can't speak to.

What can I do?

I think the best option is to be completely honest, not just about what you've seen him doing but also about what he's been neglecting at home. Give him examples, such as (totally made up) "you offered to carry her shopping bags in for her, but when I ask you to help me in with the shopping you're never willing". Direct comparisons. Honestly, if he tries to argue after that instead of seeing what a dick he's being then I think you'll know where you stand.
OhNoNotMonday · 27/08/2020 10:29

I think I just doubt myself. What if I'm wrong? What if he's just trying to do nice things for a friend? I don't want to come across as an awful, jealous person.

The thing is @SaxonSeverity even if you were wrong about his fantasizing about your friend, you are not wrong about how he is making you feel and it is that which is unforgivable.

I am not really the jealous type and my DH is a real flirt (always has been, even before we were together). A couple of my friends are also a bit flirty so when we go out as couples the flirty ones are flirty with each other BUT if I told him it was upsetting me (which with 1 person I did pull him up on) he would stop and he would make sure that I was ok. Even when he is flirty he still makes me feel special and prioritises me or why would I bother?

He has gaslighted you and made you feel like you are the crazy one for how you are feeling - this is common in emotionally abusive relationships.

He has made you feel like you are worthless and don't deserve any better - this is again common in emotionally abusive relationships.

You do everything to support your family and he goes out of his way to contribute absolutely nothing.

Your mom has probably seen his behaviour or noticed he is vile and is probably worried about how to handle it with you as you make allowances for his behaviour.

You have daughters - do you really want them to think that this is the most they deserve out of a relationship? Will you be happy watching them go through the same situation because it is ok to be treated like that?

Teach them that they have the right to be respected in a relationship and that nobody should put up with something that makes them feels bad about themselves especially when it is meant to be their partner and equal that is making them feel that way.

Explain to your husband that whether he fancies your friend or not he is hurting you and you are meant to be partners and equals and yet how is treats you makes him feel worthless, when he trys to turn it around on you (which he will) tell him firmly that you are sorry that he is upset with you and how he is feeling right now is how he has made you feel for a long time and it isn't nice is it. Then tell him that if things do not change and he doesn't or can't make you feel loved then you will have no alternative but to end the marriage because you are not prepared to continue to feel bad about yourself because of someone else's reactions and that you are not going to allow your daughters to grow up thinking that being in a marriage is all about putting up and shutting up. When he temper tantrums or takes to his bed tell him that you will leave him to think about what he has said and completely ignore him and do absolutely nothing (no cooking, washing, nothing) for him until he is prepared to have a grown up conversation with you about it.

OhNoNotMonday · 27/08/2020 10:30
  • him - meant you
DragonPie · 27/08/2020 10:37

Why not just leave the friend out of it (for now) and raise the issues you talked about. Being on his phone, not engaging with the kids, not coming downstairs etc. Those are all issues in themselves.

Chocolate4me · 27/08/2020 10:38

First of all I'd start off by saying in front of her and him 'I wish you were this atrentive when we didn't have company'
I'm not sure I could stay in a relationship where I felt he was crushing on someone else that we saw regularly

Lillygolightly · 27/08/2020 10:39

I couldn’t be doing with this OP, but if your looking for some things to say here are a few off the top of my head:

Honestly friend I should have you round more often, he never usually makes me a brew/watches the kids/has a chat, he’s normally holed in his office or glued to his bloody phone.

DH stop flipping performance parenting, I think the kids/I have had enough of the charade now.

Bloody hell DH don’t faint but friend is here, come on we are all eager to see your husband/dad/friend of the year act before you go back to being a bloody miserable sod.

Thing is though, these could all easily come across as a bit bitter so I understand your reticence to say anything.

Could not maybe laugh him and just simply say, she (friend) isn’t daft you know, she knows your not really like this. You think your being subtle but your not and quiet frankly is embarrassing and awkward for all of us, especially you. Do you think you could stop fawning like a lovesick puppy, because friend is starting to feel quiet uncomfortable with your behaviour, and honestly so am I. Friend is not interested, it’s never going to happen and I’d quite like to keep my friend, so can you please stop making a show of yourself. Then walk away and refuse to discuss it further.

GabriellaMontez · 27/08/2020 10:40

what do I say though?

Catch him off guard. Be really casual.

"Its so obvious that you fancy the pants off df, "

Await response.

If he denies, ask directly "you definitely dont fancy her at all?"

Otherwise skip straight to.

Your behaviour is excruciating and disrespectful, please stop.

Offer examples of how his behaviour changes when shes there. Ask why that is.

He must think you're stupid.

k1233 · 27/08/2020 10:43

I'd call him out on it in front of her. I'd say something like "friend do you think you could stay permanently at ours? Whenever you're around DH can not be more obliging. As soon as you're gone, well yep, all up to me. Would love him to be like this all the time - do you think you can move in?"

AhNowTed · 27/08/2020 10:44

People are very quick to condemn a marriage.

OP I have had a couple of crushes during my long and happy marriage. It was all in my head, and I had the sense to ride it out and wait for it to run its course. After a few weeks I was back to normal.

I also have a very good friend who's husband has a soft spot for me when he's had a few. She is well aware of it and the pair of us roll our eyes and laugh it off.

In your shoes I would have to tackle him on it.

Capsulate · 27/08/2020 10:47

Yikes, nobody is so financially reliant on someone, (except in cases of financial abuse?) that they have to put up with this. Yes, of course confront him. Find a time to have a sit down and proper conversation, say what you have noticed and say it stops now. If he says you are controlling, tbh, I'm a bit of a cow and would just say, "if you think that is me being controlling, we have clearly very different ideas of what people should do in a healthy marriage. Either we work on this, including counselling and no more contact with your crush, or it is over", and I would mean it as well.