Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 26/08/2020 17:22

Please don’t involve your friend in this. She really hasn’t done anything to make this her issue.

This is one for you to solve with your DH. Speak to him calmly again. Then start discussing it with your mum. You are definitely entitled to chat to other people about this if you need to. Don’t have shouted into silence.

ktp100 · 26/08/2020 17:27

PACK.

HIS.

BAGS!!!!

What a complete and utter bell end.

You don't need to be embarrassed about anything, OP. He's the one acting like an utter cock. Tell your Mum and hopefully she'll tear the twat a new one.

billy1966 · 26/08/2020 17:30

If a friend of mine told me that her husband was mooning over me and behaving like that, I would want to know so I could disabuse him of ANY idea that I would go within a 100 yards of him.

I would not be within a mile of his company and I would tell my friend I was so sorry that she was so sorry she was married to such a sleeze.

He is abusive from the OP has said.
She sounds nervous of him.
He has zero interest in his children when he is not on show.🙄

He's a nasty prick.

Poor OP sounds so lovely.Flowers

malificent7 · 26/08/2020 17:30

Ditch him...keep the friend if possible.

rooarsome · 26/08/2020 17:31

OP, do you want your 4 daughters to see this behaviour and assume this is how they should be treated by their partners when they're older? Don't adjust your mindset to cope or to be ok with this "crush" (it's not a crush, he wants to have an affair), adjust your actual life and leave

BuffaloMozzerella · 26/08/2020 17:32

Tell him you and your friend have a good laugh over his obvious crush and that'll be the end of that. Your friend never needs to know.

Vodkacranberryplease · 26/08/2020 17:32

Ok time for action. Please no talking to him. I know everyone says to communicate but it hasn't worked and it won't. It's the single most ineffective thing women do, and if youve had one of two conversations and it's not sunk in it isn't going to. He doesn't need to know how you feel. He already does.

Time to stop doing all the wonderful things you do. Time to stop being mrs housework and doing the 'pick me' dance. Time to just stop trying so hard.

Instead when he comes in look bored and pick up your phone. Don't cook get takeaway. Just mumble about being busy instead and get one he doesn't like that much - and eat earlier and don't leave that much for him.

Or go on a diet and so feed the kids then just eat your diet stuff and when he asks where his is just look confused and say you are in a diet and haven't made anything. Then leave the room mumbling about 'oh, just got to...'

Forget to do his washing. Or anything that makes his life easy. Don't act pissed off act bored. Like you just don't really care what he thinks.

And how does he know about your social outings? Stop telling him! Be vague. Just go your stuff. Leave him with the kids. Switch your phone off.

In other words treat him like he is the least important man in the world. Not angry, not annoyed. Just nothing really. Then when he starts reacting just shrug and gaslight him for as long as it takes. Eventually he will get it. It will take a while but he will.

And if you are out with friend and him be a little condescending (not bitter) and say something like 'ah he's got a bit of a crush on you bless him' and laugh like you really don't fucking care. Then carry on ignoring him.

TimelyManor · 26/08/2020 17:34

OP, I was in your position for a long time. Mine too was obsessive about things and the 'friend' was no exception. At first I thought he was too close to her, then I thought it was an emotional affair. When I asked him about it he took to his bed for three days! Then I started finding evidence that it wasn't just emotional but I couldn't confront him because he would never have admitted anything, he would have just lied his way to where he wanted me at that time. It was killing me, literally. He was also abusive which got worse as the affair went on.

Please do right by yourself and do not put up with this.

BlueJava · 26/08/2020 17:35

If you feel you can't talk to him about it and you can't stop him doing it then how do you feel the relationship can continue? I would be beyond hacked off, I'd be livid. I also can't imagine not just coming out with it constantly. "Oh I see you have all the time in the world to chat now X has come round" or "Your lady-crush has come round by the way". He sounds a complete disgrace and I think if it was a regular thing I wouldn't feel willing to stay. I'm sorry I don't have any advice apart from face it head on, but that's easy for me to say of course and tell him you want to split (if you do).

PicaK · 26/08/2020 17:35

Do you love him OP? What does he bring to your life? Is life better when he is there?
Think of your daughters. You don't want them to witness you being treated like this and accepting it and expecting that's how they will be treated.
He's worn your self esteem down. Your friends will be there for you not sniggering behind their hands.
Demand couples counseling. Do not accept this. If we won't talk about this you don't have a marriage.
Flowers everyone on here, total strangers with free rein to belittle you if they wanted, are routing for you. Your mum and friends will support you through it. Avoid the embassment thing for you or him - talk.

comingintomyown · 26/08/2020 17:35

I don’t understand your preoccupation with being able to tell the friend or anyone else ? The question should be do I want to be married to a man who behaves in this way not who can I tell about it.

Vodkacranberryplease · 26/08/2020 17:36

And don't ever admit you are doing anything!!! You need to just act like you have gone off him a bit.

Because let's face it. Being with someone that has a crush on soneone else is the most boring, least sexy thing ever. It's certainly not up to you to 'persuade' him he's a dick.

The more you talk to him the more you lose. I'm not trying to say this needs to be a game but the approach of 'talking like adults' when one isn't acting like one will fail.

Though it's what everyone will tell you to do if course.

Sexnotgender · 26/08/2020 17:38

Don’t be embarrassed, YOU have done nothing wrong. He’s a shitbag. Tell your mum.

Pobblebonk · 26/08/2020 17:39

I think you need one final conversation with your husband when you tell him you've had enough of this; if he can be Mr Perfect when your friend is around then he can do it at other times. Give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't shape up he can leave. If he blows up, tell him you're not interested and walk away.

LizaBennett70 · 26/08/2020 17:45

OP do you think there is any possibility that they are actually having an affair? Because this behaviour sounds like way more than a "silly crush".

I think you need to stop thinking of ways to make him stop, and find ways of seeing a solicitor and start to make plans to put this absolute monster of a man in your past.

Ritascornershop · 26/08/2020 17:47

I don’t see the point in ignoring him, not cooking, making cutting remarks etc. Because what kind of life is that, at war in your own house? Get your financials in order, talk to a solicitor, then see if you feel ready to live free of this behaviour. I don’t believe that anything you do will somehow make him be a loving attentive husband and father, humans are not magicians, we can’t make anyone love us. He may perhaps love you in some abstract fashion, but not as a husband should. Btdt, divorce is better. Hard, but so much better.

madcatladyforever · 26/08/2020 17:48

Your marriage is over OP, don't do anything more him, no cooking, no cleaning, not washing nothing.
I would refuse to live with this and I'd be telling him why in no uncertain terms.

justasmalltownmum · 26/08/2020 17:49

Why don't you just ask your DH wtf is he doing?

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 26/08/2020 17:51

I would frankly send this link to your DH, telling him you're done with his awful treatment of you. He treats you with contempt, last on his list ... while going all out to impress another women regularly?

Fuck that.

I'd also be telling him you were sending the link to your friend as well so she understands why you're so angry with him.

Get legal advice for a split first. Don't know why you'd want to live with someone who clearly dislikes you so much ... have an idea of how you'd manage without him, because I'm sure you could ... and then demand he stop being such an arse or go.

ShellieEllie · 26/08/2020 17:52

He needs calling out on it when he is in her company. You mention that he has plenty of time to spend chatting during the day when she's around but not at other times. Next time she drops by for a coffee/chat and he appears l'd ask him if he wanted something?

TheMostHappy · 26/08/2020 17:52

Yeah I just came back to ask whether OP is definitely positively sure nothing is going on already?

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 26/08/2020 17:53

When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested.

For those saying she knows, she may know but not know at the same time. I've been in this situation and thought I must be imagining things, misreading behaviour. I wasn't. In retrospect, it was blatant, but at the time, I just couldn't believe it because he just wasn't that sort of person.

I haven't RTFT, but OP maybe you should consider telling your friend because the day may come when he decides to dump you and turn up on her doorstep with Champagne and flowers expecting him to have her fall into his arms and the first day of his wonderful new life to begin. Only to have her slam the door in his face in horror.

That would be very funny thinking about him, but pretty awful for her.

Ritascornershop · 26/08/2020 17:53

You know him best, but I know if sent a link my now exhusband would have blown up and turned it around to be my fault. I’m not sure that is physically or emotionally a safe course of action.

Standrewsschool · 26/08/2020 17:53

Maybe try explaining it in reverse, and ask how he would like it if you plan days out with Tom Cruise, dressed up whenever he came on tv, watched his films repeatedly, but ignored everyone else.

user1471538283 · 26/08/2020 17:53

Oh my god. He's blatantly trying to set himself up with her in front of you. His bags would be packed if he were mine. Let him move out and gave the children every other weekend and pursue whomever he wishes. Let him feel loss and impact. How insulting