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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up and resentful of DH and his silly crush

309 replies

SaxonSeverity · 26/08/2020 14:18

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 26/08/2020 19:33

I think my pride would not deal with this. I wouldn't want to force him to behave or convince him or give him an ultimatum.

I'd want him sitting there with his head spinning wondering why the woman he's taken for granted for years and who has pampered him and worshipped him suddenly seems to consider him of zero interest. No cutting comments (as fine of said I suggested). Just no interest, no effort.

I would want him on his fucking knees. Not to have to tell him he wasn't allowed to show his raging crush on another woman. Fuck that shit. I'd want him wondering what the hell was wrong with him. I would want him doing the pick me dance.

Oh Op the other half of this is you suddenly start paying a lot of attention to how you look. You start going out (without him) and having fun. You laugh and enjoy your life. And when he walks in it's like a lightbulb has switched off.

winterisstillcoming · 26/08/2020 19:36

Agree with oldraver.

Maybe something along the lines or 'of course, for your special friend' or when you see his mum do an eye roll and mention his 'special friend'. It might make him realise he's being an utter tool. It sounds like he's in denial that he has crush on her. Believe me she knows and is doing the right thing by ignoring him. Poor girl.

riotlady · 26/08/2020 19:39

What’s the actual benefit of being married to this man?

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:41

I just don’t understand why you won’t deal with this op and all you want to do is make him look bad in her eyes, as a way to make sure she’s not interested clearly.

Your husband is basically treating you like an irrelevance. He’s all but hitting on your friend in front of you, ignores you when he can. But you’re just going to take it and let him continue without mentioning it to him, whilst all you are thinking of doing is basically warning her off.

Why are you choosing to live like this? Are you financially reliant on him?

anicebag · 26/08/2020 19:41

Tell him your friend told you she finds him repulsive/ cringey/ desperate/ all of the above. He deserves it

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:43

And don’t bring your friend into this. Your marriage problems are between you and your husband. She doesn’t need to be involved. Sort it with him, She’s doing the right thing and ignoring it. She doesn’t need to be involved in the pair of you’S drama.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 19:44

@anicebag

Tell him your friend told you she finds him repulsive/ cringey/ desperate/ all of the above. He deserves it
What? Why are folks advocating she lies and plays games?

She should fucking just deal with it. The fact she can’t is the issue. Lying and saying things that may come back on her friend is not the answer. What if he says to the friend about it?

kittens876 · 26/08/2020 19:49

I’m really sorry you are being treated so badly. Your husband sounds really abusive and I hope you know this isn’t your fault. He’s just managed to get you used to being treated this way. This isn’t normal behaviour. Please get some help xx

Arthersleep · 26/08/2020 19:53

You haven't got the heart to confront him again? Well, you're in a relationship with this man, his behaviour is inappropriate and he is making you deeply unhappy. So you have three choices: discuss it with him. Give clear examples and tell him how you feel. Out him in front of her or others (again give an example). Or suddenly become attentive with one of his friends and see how he bloody well likes it. Doing nothing is not an option.

willieversleep · 26/08/2020 19:54

I think even if you put him and his awful behaviour and he were to change (unlikely) it would be so hard to gain the trust and respect back for him that the relationship is over anyway. Cutting your ties may be the only way to be happy

lifeafter50 · 26/08/2020 20:02

OP , I feel for you because my situation was similar and I was too embarrassed to do anything about it.
My marriage is over and I regret not having done it sooner because my DC have had to be witnesses to what must have been bewildering for them.
Please at least confide in your mum.
I also think you should confide in your friend as she is clearly not colluding in this snd is probably acutely embarrassed but not wanting to tell you.

RightOnTheEdge · 26/08/2020 20:22

YANBU for being upset and fed up but YABU for putting up with it.

What is the point of this marriage? He's absolutely awful to you and useless with your dc.

I wouldn't drag your friend into it, it will probably embarrass her and make everything awkward. You really should talk to your mum or other good friends though and get some support for yourself.

And definitely confront your H about it. I know he's worn you down and it's probably hard but so what if he "blows up" let him!
You need to stop feeling embarrassed and find your anger! How dare he treat you like this!

Isthisit22 · 26/08/2020 20:27

You are avoiding the main issue that lots of people have pointed out on here- that your husband is horrible. He wants to have an affair and rubs your nose in it. He does nothing with your family.
Think about whether your relationship is worth saving, regardless of this woman.

LilyLongJohn · 27/08/2020 06:26

Most people can have daft crushes or find someone attractive, but they don't act on them. I think my NEXT deliver driver is lovely but it doesn't mean I spend 1000s of £ there just so I can see him!

Your dh is being very very disrespectful, creepy, sleazy and just weird

Friendsoftheearth · 27/08/2020 06:33

Op, he does this because he can.

With anyone else there would be hell to pay/end of the marriage, but he knows he can get away with it so he carries on. At some point he will probably follow through (with someone that is willing) because he knows he can, because you are clearly not going to stop him.

He is allowed to disrespect you, humiliate you in front of your friends, neglect both you and your children most of the time unless he is showing off - this is abuse pure and simple.

Please find your strength, and as a minimum get some real life support. You have been worn down by years and years, but that does not mean you have to continue for another decade. Flowers

Velvian · 27/08/2020 07:22

How old are your DC, op? You need a plan for your future. You need to start earning some money in order to set yourself up on your own.

I can understand how you have got into this situation. You have been with a horrible man who has been chipping away at you while you have been having babies and looking after them.

Do you have any financial independence? Do you have any family that would provide childcare if you start to work a couple of days each week?

I understand the need for people to see what your husband is really like, but no one else will ever really see what he has put you through. It is something that you will have to come to terms with by yourself.

I don't think there is any saving your relationship, he is a nasty person and you need to make plans to get away from him. Flowers for you.

Friendsoftheearth · 27/08/2020 07:27

velvian hundred per cent agree with your post. A man like this definitely can not be relied on, and could leave op high and dry when the opportunity presents itself.

cherrybakewellll · 27/08/2020 07:42

Confront him! If you don't he's just seeing you as a walkover! What if this was one of your daughters? Would you think it's ok for her to sit silently by and let a man treat her like that?!

FlapsInTheWind · 27/08/2020 08:00

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful

This is why you need to leave him. He is so checked out. He has no time for your of the DC. He went ages ago in his head. LTB

LeopardsCANTChangeTheirSpots · 27/08/2020 08:17

@SaxonSeverity

I don't even know where to start. DH has noticeably had a crush on one of our friends for a while now. DH and I have been together for a long time and I was a bit freaked out at first, however, I've just tried to laugh it off to myself and put it down to a silly crush.

I have no concerns from the friend's end as they have always been a good friend, and I know how obsessive DH can be about things. Nonetheless my husband's behaviour infuriates me, and now I find myself increasingly angry, resentful and probably jealous I suppose.

I am so tired of watching him going out of his way to be a part of everything this friend is involved with. Said friend invited me and our four daughters out for the day and he created a huge argument saying that I had purposefully excluded him...even though it was a girl's day out.

He was excitedly planning a day out for all of us to go on, because he thinks friend deserves a day out. When we go out together he is the perfect man, he looks after the children, is attentive and interested. When we go on days out by ourselves he won't get off his phone and is not interested one bit Blush

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children. Surprise, surprise when friend calls around he has hours to sit and chat Hmm

I work so hard, do everything for the children and around the house. I could not do more if I tried. Yet I feel so resentful that DH shows no interest in doing nice things for me, yet is constantly thinking how he can make friend's life better.

It impacts every part of my life. I am no longer the happy person I was. I am angry and resentful Sad

What makes it noticeably a "crush"? And what's her situation where he feels the need to "make her life better"?

He does need to pull his finger out with helping out, when he's not showing off, but you're all adults - don't listen to the classic mumsnet "it's already over, you should have planned your escape yesterday" - talk to him, and why not talk to her?

In fact, talk to her first, and get her to ask him if he wouldn't mind taking the kids while you both have a day out, and she'd be "ever so grateful"! Wink

He'll be put off in no time! Grin

XiCi · 27/08/2020 08:27

You've posted about this before a while ago haven't you. I remember reading about it then and thinking how appalling it was. He sounds a truly horrible man. Have you a close friend or family member you could confide in? Get this out in the open. I hope you find the strength to leave him.

FlapsInTheWind · 27/08/2020 08:28

I think you need to tell her so she can tell him she has a massive crush on someone else and then leave him.

It's not a crush though. I agree with PPs there.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2020 09:06

Why make the friend do the dirty work? I just don’t get this thing some folks have of passing the buck to the poor friend.

The op has to tell him herself. Not ask the friend to lie to him she’s a crush on someone else, or lie that she said he was repulsive.

What’s going on in some folks relationships where they think it’s perfectly normal and advisable when your husband does things like this to not deal with it yourself and make your poor friend step up?

VoldemortsMaid · 27/08/2020 09:08

Why do women put up with shit like this?!?

Sort it out OP you're letting women down with this one Confused

Byallmeans · 27/08/2020 09:16

What a disrespectful dick head.

Why are you letting him treat you like this?