To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Just forget about the money, stop mentioning it.

I'd she wants "what's best" she's welcome to buy an entire house.

Also, if she's that bothered, get DH to suggest if she wants, she can squirrel money away on behalf of DD as a deposit for her first house.

But never talk about it again!

They want far too much involvement and control in your lives. I think the worst thing you could do is let them dictate where you live, I would look for a house you can afford without their contribution because it seems to come with an awful lot of strings attached.

I can't imagine letting my family or in-laws have much say over where I lived or how I brought up my children.

@DurhamDurham I don’t want the strings at all, we are planning to either buy either this house or another one alone. It’s the implication that we’re not putting our child first that has devastated me. How can I have a meaningful relationship with someone who thinks that about me?

Can you afford the house without them?

@Polnm even if we can’t, I won’t be accepting their money now as it’s clear the offer isn’t unconditional as it first was. What I’m struggling with is how to move forward now that I’ve seen my parents in law in this different light of wanting to control us and not thinking we can make our own decisions.

@topandtailem I can understand your upset completely. It's treating you as though you are not a responsible, capable adult. Can your husband talk to her about it?

Wow how controlling of them. How dare they try to dictate where you live and what's best for YOUR child? I would take a massive step back from them and I'd be looking to increase nursery care rather than have them looking after DD. I would also refuse any sort of financial ties with them, as clearly they think they can control you through their money.

What does your DH think about what she's said? What did he say to her?

I would take a huge step back, less involvement. You are clearly being judged :(
What does your husband say about what happened?

@topandtailem I doubt that you are part of their decision process OP. This is all about THEM wanting control and THEM wanting to decide what is best, rather then a them actively thinking you aren’t capable of making the right choice. I still think it’s going to be hard to move on from this, even if you are able to act fine about it, as they aren’t going to be very happy about you refusing any money from them now. But you absolutely should refuse.

DH very much united with me on this. He’s spoken to them with me and without me but all he gets back is that they’re doing what is best for their grandchild and it’s not about money. It’s not about money for us, either! I just don’t want to be a family that falls out over something like this especially as DD has such a wonderful relationship with them. But I don’t want that to come at the expense of my boundaries and feelings being eroded.

I know it's hurtful but you've probably had a lucky escape - you might have had years of being beholden to them.

I agree I'd feel very put out that they don't believe you are making the best decision for your daughter. What exactly are her objections?

Not sure i would trust them such unsupervised access to a dc they believed was happier with their choices than mine...

I think they’ve done a horrible thing and I would struggle, for a while at least, to get over it.

It’s not the money, it’s the message. Did they tell you why they think it was such a bad idea? I’m wondering if they changed their minds about the money and used this as a poorly thought out excuse? I know you don’t want it but would they still give you the money if you chose a different house?

That sounds most upsetting, OP, and you're being more reasonable and forgiving than most would be have to have their plans changed like that.

If it were me, I'd move heaven and earth to buy that house that I'd judged to be best and I'd rejoice every time they visit and see your daughter happy. I'd distance a little and would never rely on the in laws again, not to punish but to aboid being in this position again. I wouldn't accept any promises of help and if they asked, I'd tell them why. I'd be mildly interested why they thought this was the wrong house for your daughter and why they left it to the worst time to decide this so I'd ask DP to ask his parents for clear reasons why they'd changed their minds at the last minute. I'd think they were too involved in having such strong opinions about an individual house and, as I'd said, I'd distance from them. I'd try not to tie myself in knots about a presumption of criticism of my parenting choices, rather I'd try and realise how deeply weird your in laws' behaviour has been in having such a strong opinion and letting it manifest at the last minute. For what it's worth, you may have dodged a bullet as you may have opened a door to this weird behaviour presenting in worse ways once you'd accepted the money, just don't rely on them for money again. I'd even be a little wary if they offer long term child care if you return to work, not to punish them but because such strong opinions may manifest in other child-based decisions you may not agree with.

Let's hope your DP doesn't hold this against his parents.

Good luck.

Is the house further away from them?

@Nonotthisagain unclear. They think there are ‘lots of things wrong’ with the house but the sticking point is allegedly a garden pond that we have already said we would immediately have filled in. My feeling is that she’s made up her mind and logic isn’t playing a big part in this.

I'd be pissed off that they so clearly feel that their thoughts about what's "best" for your child trump yours.
Call me a stroppy cow if you like, but I think I'd be backing right off from cosy family get-togethers and severely curtailing the amount of time they spent with my child. They massively overstepped boundaries here, and you need to mark them out again in no uncertain terms.

What's their problem with the house, out of interest?

Focus on the positives of the relationship, but I'd also perhaps keep them a little at arm's length in terms of what you involve them in / discuss with them in future. There are lots of things I just don't talk about to my parents as I know I'm unlikely to get a response I will be happy with.

You are your daughter's parents, they had their time with your DH. What are you doing that makes them feel like they need to interfere. They are watching every move you make with your daughter and thinking its not good enough for her/them. Dodged a bullet there OP. I would be devastated as well and go LC as your relationship with them has definitely now changed.

I completely understand your upset. They are exerting control over a really fundamental decision which is both your right and responsibility to make. They have behaved very badly over this.

In some ways you may have dodged a bullet - as you say, the money clearly wasn’t strings-free, and you’ve saved yourself the hassle of whatever manipulation they would use because of it.

I would be wary of them in future - keep them at arm’s length on decisions etc. They don’t understand boundaries or their role in your life, so you will need to be careful about managing them.

@AbbieFB yes, by five minutes and they’re swearing blind that’s not the reason

Have the told you what it is about this house that is so harmful for your daughter?

Xpost - it would really annoy and upset me that they can't articulate what's wrong with it... I could perhaps understand if there was no garden, or no central heating / dodgy electrics / a bad damp problem etc. The pond thing is ridiculous. We had one and filled it in ourselves in an afternoon. Don't get drawn into an argument about it.