To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

We had this. We found a house a doer upper which was just off
A main road. Without being asked my in laws went round and had a look and made their displeasure felt. So my husband, withdrew the offer. We went for a bigger house more upmarket area and more suitable in their eyes.I really regret it.
We didn’t get a place
In closest catchment school, ended up going private, neighbours are not friendly, not many parks locally, very competitive middle class type area.
Wr are miserable and my in laws see it hasn’t worked for us. You only have one life. Live yours.

@topandtailem

Okay some really good advice coming through here, thank you everyone. Especially what people are saying about just keeping arms length on certain decisions. Whatever happens I’m not willing to curtail access to DD. I think at this time she would be negatively affected by that more than anything.

This sounds like your best, and kindest, choice.

FWIW my grandparents (Dad's side) had very similar opinions about how I was brought up - always thinking they knew what was best and that being quite different to how my parents did things, especially my Mum. She took this same approach as you outline here.

40 years later and my grandmother's opinion has changed dramatically (grandfather has passed) - she has often since commented what a great Mum I had to have supported/nurtered me in the way she did. In short, the adults my brother and I became have "justified" my parent's decisions on how to bring up children.

They removed the promise because of a garden pond? That's a tad crazy. But I think you're right, don't let this ruin the relationship with your daughter. I wouldn't mention it again, although when buying a house in future don't listen or ask for their opinions or help at all. I actually wouldn't tell them that it's happening until everything is signed. They don't need to know.

@Pythonesque

Rather an aside to the real issues - but -

I always feel a little sad when I hear of people filling in garden ponds to protect children. If you can make them safe another way, they are lovely for children to grow up with, watching fish in the pond, birds that come to the pond, and all the other wildlife they attract. We moved to a house with a pond not far from the patio doors with a baby and a just 3 yr old. Strict supervision in the garden at first, until we were able to have a grid fitted over the pond. There are multiple makes and I don't recall who did ours (kids are teenagers now!), but it was something like this

www.headsquared.co.uk/services/pond_safety_grid#.X0YhrWySnD4

If you can afford to install such a grid, a pond can be safely enjoyed.

Totally agree with this.

In fact, if you do end up buying the house, I would keep the pond as a symbol to show the PIL who is in charge of your DD's upbringing and welfare; and make a big deal out of teaching your DD about both safety around water and the joys of nature that surround pond environments (and give DD lots of praise in front of the PIL for her sensible behaviour around the pond and her knowledge of the wildlife - revenge is a dish best served cold and all that )

The pond issue is just nonsense. It would take ten minutes to fill it with sand. She is being controling. Don't accept any money from them.

Be very of the future OP. What if they criticise you in front of your DD, "Mummy and Daddy are being very silly" "Granny and Grandad think things should be done this way". Do you really want your DD to be piggy in the middle, brake on NOW.

Were they expecting you to move closer to them?

Noooooo far too controlling. They've offered it. You then decide what to do with it - its not their decision. Bit odd tbh.

Definitely keep at arms length. There will be strings attached.

If it was me I'd have to ask them to suggest houses they thought suitable just to try and understand their thinking. If they come up with a house on their road I wouldn't be surprised.

To answer a few questions, I’m 95% confident they do have the money and would give it to us if we found a house they approved of.

They are saying location isn’t an issue but possibly the increased distance is more of an issue than they’re letting on. We’re literally going from a 12 min drive to a 17 min drive. There is nothing to object to location wise. Quiet street, lovely area, great schools, off street parking. They don’t know anyone in the area that I’m aware of. But like I say I really don’t think the objections have logic at the heart of them. I wish they did.

They’ve always been reliable in the past but they’re not good communicators and we have to sometimes force a bit of a conversation if there’s obviously an issue festering.

Someone asked is DH an only child. He has an older brother who does keep them very much at arms length. I’m thinking now there’s a reason for that?

I’ve been with DH a long time so I’ve known his parents for 20 years so they are very dear to me despite any small bumps in the past. My daughter adores them. Hopefully this goes some way to explaining why my reaction so far is a bit more moderate than some of you might advocate. But I do see what you’re saying and I’m certainly switching to a more alert mode from now.

TBH your in laws have already changed the relationship. Sadly that is their doing, it's impossible for their actions not to be hurtful in one way or another.

If they ever call you out on changing agreements or arrangements you can genuinely ask them "but it's ok if you do it?"

Yeah I see where you're coming from, I'd find that really offensive as well, I agree with others (and you) that you just shouldn't accept money from them from now one if it comes with conditions like that but I know that isn't your beef here, I totally get how that would make you view them in a different light

Do you think there's a way you can still but the house then? I hope so!

I also agree with this btw: I always feel a little sad when I hear of people filling in garden ponds to protect children. If you can make them safe another way, they are lovely for children to grow up with, watching fish in the pond, birds that come to the pond, and all the other wildlife they attract. We moved to a house with a pond not far from the patio doors with a baby and a just 3 yr old. Strict supervision in the garden at first, until we were able to have a grid fitted over the pond.

Our childminder has a pond (with grid) and the kids love it!

**buy, not but.

On MN posters will always try to get you as worked up as possible, OP, and as hysterical too.

The first post in 10,000 that needs this is yours.

Where you live is none of your in-laws' business. Offering money and withdrawing it is very bad behaviour. Not saying why is stressy and attention-seeking. They're manipulative, sadly. And selfish. Over big things - doubtless they're charming day to day, they need to be.

You just found out. BIL found out before you. Lucky escape re the house - tell everyone what they've done, reduces chance of reoccurrence.

Arm's length, don't be lured back in when they try.

Hugely controlling behaviour.
Very hard to imagine how your relationship wouldn't change.
They believe they know better than you.

I would be looking at much further away from them.

I think you may have issues in the future.
Your choice of school, hobbies, sports.

Do they have a right to a final view on all of the above.

They have caused you huge unnecessary upset.
To do so last minute is unforgivable.

Look at houses +30-40 minutes away and leave it to them to visit you.
Tell them the areas that will now be your focus and make it crystal clear their view isn't required.

They are hugely disrespectful of ye.
Narrow escape.

Interesting that you said your DH has an older brother that is very much at arm's length. Sounds like they may well have pushed him away with similar tactics.

I'd just move on and learn the lesson never to allow the in-laws to have any power over you again. They are messing around in your lives and so it just needs to be stopped. Buy the house you can afford on your own without their help. Then refuse all offers in future, their current behaviour makes them unreliable at the least anyway.

Lucky escape.

they dote on our 3YO

and with that excuse nothing you ever do will be good enough. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

By the way, you haven't got a good relationship with them. They've already fooled you into thinking that. I will guarantee they've very subtly badmouthed you to your DH.

she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days.

Send her a pack of Kalms or something to get the message across.

And don't let them have a set of keys to your house.

YANBU

I think if they had a genuine reason, they would have said so by now. The pond is really not the issue- easily removed or filled in. Which you have said you will do- their issue should be resolved. The fact it isn’t and they won’t articulate what their concerns are, suggests that there is more to it. I too think you have had a lucky escape as it seems their gift came with very firm strings attached, which they were not explicit about to begin with. I also think the timing is very poor- they should have “pulled the plug” long before now as these risks that they are so worried about must have been evident from the outset.

I think it’s fair to be upset that they clearly feel you and DH are incapable of making sensible decisions and would put your daughter at risk. Especially as they are unable to articulate is causing them such concern.

I think I would simply not involve them in important decisions and keep them at arms length now. I would also be wary of what other parenting decisions you make that they might choose to ignore or over-ride. Not saying they should stop providing childcare if you feel that’s still best for your daughter but I would keep an eye out.

It will change your relationship. Not necessarily in practical ways eg letting them see DD. But it has impacted how you view them and how you think they view you. It's sad but I always think it's a blessing when someone shows you clearly who they are.
I would tell them I was disappointed that they did not rate your parenting and that they think you would put DD at risk. I wouldn't have a confrontation but I would make it clear that their messaging about irresponsible parenting is not welcoming or accurate. Then they either need to own that view of you and DH, or they need to apologise and think about the messages their behaviour is sending.

To answer your AIBU, I don't think there's any question but that the relationship will change, and since that's their doing I don't think there's anything you can do to prevent it. It will be hard not to reframe other things they've said and done in light of this too, I imagine.

They have behaved terribly and it seems fairly clear it's an attempt at control. I'm sure their agenda will come out in time, but in the meantime I'd be very wary of putting yourself in a position where they can manipulate you again, whether that's money for a house or undermining any other decisions you make for your daughter. Like a pp, I would be reviewing childcare arrangements, and actually - though I suspect you won't want to hear it - I would be thinking about moving much further away than 17 minutes. It looks like BIL has their number.

I doubt this will be the last you hear of this, so I'd be braced for anything else you ever do that displeases them to be characterised in terms of 'this is about the money, isn't it', even though it's not.

On MN posters will always try to get you as worked up as possible

And then goes on to outline every single point of almost every other post super

Your BIL has clearly understood the issues already, probably from experience with your MIL. She will be more careful with you. Same for us. I always wondered why my in laws stayed away from MIL and there was such a tense atmosphere, it took a year or two but it soon became apparent.

Old MN saying 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' springs to mind.

They 'dote' on our 3yr old struck me too in the context of withdrawing their offer so you are now effectively without a home to move to if you can't stretch to cover the loss financially. Yes very kind, very loving I think not.

If this were a book, it would turn out that DH is adopted, and his real parents live next door to the new house...

Totally agree with Pythonesque. Ponds are brilliant for older children. Ours spent hours pond-dipping and hunting for frogs. We used a grid when DC were small, and it worked fine.

I am not as nice as you

I would call her today ask her if she could look after DD as the agent has called about a great house, just on the market, not on right move yet and you have the 1st viewing.

Don’t offer any more info but if she asks name somewhere about 40 minutes away. Or say as you drop her off that you will be about 3 hours as it is in xx