To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

I think they don’t want to or can’t spare the money now and they aren’t telling you the truth about why.

My grandmother was very like this with my mother... I would advise keeping a close eye on the relationship they have with your child. My mother has only just become aware of the subtle manipulation I was exposed to by my grandmother/grandparents, and I am now in my 40’s.

A good example from my childhood is stickers, they were a big thing, and if I wanted My Little Pony (or other approved of stickers) I could have 4 or 5 packs (and possibly sweets on the side) but if I wanted Pokemon or Garbage Pail Kids I could only have one pack and no extras. As a child I never questioned this, as an adult is is very clear she was controlling me to choose what she thought was appropriate for a young girl.

Wow id be really angry actually...
I've had this done to me before by my own parents in a similar way in that I was offered money then made concrete plans which I put into motion, then got told at the last minute that they were no longer giving the money... which meant I was absolutely wiped out and it effected my life for years.
And it did effect my relationship with them.. I went no contact for about a year.. not because they could no longer give me money but because of the complete lack of respect for me. They acted like it was no big deal when it pretty much financially ruined me (I had taken a job and made plans to move to the city where the job was with my 2yo son... I still had to go ahead with these plans when they withdrew the money because it was too late for me to withdraw and it was so hard... I won't go into endless detail but it was a nightmare and I was barely able to feed myself for a while and they acted really flippantly about it)
So I totally understand that its not about the money its about the lack of respect and the breach of trust. Of course its their money and they can do as they please but its the lack of thought for you and the plans you will have made based on their promise and how it will effect you.
On top of that you have the added insult of knowing they've only done it for a really stupid reason in that they did not agree with your choose choice rather than a valid reason, for example they suddenly needed the money for someonething else so sadly had to withdraw from helping you.
I'd be absolutely livid tbh... I really feel for you. Its massively disrespectful and treats you like young children. Adults shouldn't do this to each other... if you offer someone money you stick to your word unless there is a real reason you can't... they are prettily using money to try and control your choices and that would really upset me.

Dear God, this is awful. She's trying to control you! What a terrible thing to do. Never accept offers of financial help lightly. Once accepted then the donor often thinks they have the right to judge what you do. Then there's the "haven't slept" emotional blackmail. Yeah, I've heard that before. Make your own decisions, on your own terms, within your financial boundaries. Unfortunately I think this will indeed change your relationship, but honestly, you dodged a bullet. Shame on them.

I would buy a house that is right for you and your family, your in-laws sound too involved in your life and decision making.

I would also start looking into nurseries and stop using them for childcare, I think they want you to need them and this is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

I wouldn't take it as anything but giving you money would make them a but controlling about the house you choose and that you don't like the same things for a house

Definitely odd - but I'd move forward

Its as if MIL wants to live her life through your family and het to tell you what and where you should be going and doing.

glad you got the house, shame the relationship is frayed. Possibly better you brought the house yourselves, otherwise our be in a different situation with them now unwittingly

OP, your MIL is being a cow (and maybe FIL too) - maybe she isn’t generally - but she is here. The issue is control. Whatever she’s dressing it up as, it’s control.

So, thank your lucky stars you found out early. Buy the house you want and can afford with your money. Of course keep them involved, but push them back a little, and draw some firm boundaries.

Get your DP to explain to them thanks but no thanks for money for a house, and suggest they might want to invest it for your kids. Do not discuss it again, if they raise it, change the subject, put it out of your head. They want to control you, if you give them headspace they have one.

It might be an awkward 6 months, but lockdown is your friend here and it will settle down. But draw those boundaries and don’t let them quite so close again.

They do sound like lovely grandparents when they are getting their own way... I would put a bit of physical and emotional distance between you as it is clear they are only happy to help when you are doing what they want. It may be done politely but it is still controlling and will only get more frustrating for you.

I think it will change your relationship but in a positive way for you. You've shown that you have your own mind and won't be swayed by MILs views. I had a similar expereience and when I disagreed and went against what MIL wanted it was as though she accepted me as an equal rather than someone she was more superior to.

I'm also wondering if there's some fear that goes back many years. You mention the pond, but maybe there's something else? I can't think of anything else that would make her so firm and unmoveable, and prevent her sleeping. It's just so bizarre. Does your FIL really not know what it's about?

Has she visited you since you moved in?

I haven’t read the full thread but I wonder if your MIL is really struggling with anxiety. I have anxiety and can understand the worry about the pond. For most people they would say ‘might be a good idea to get the pond filled in’ and leave it at that but someone with anxiety will be consumed with worry which is a horrible feeling.

She probably doesn’t like being like this but the anxiety will have taken over her rational thinking. Really pleased you got the house but try not to let it affect your relationship, she sounds like a good gran and it’s probably all been done due to her love for dd, even though it’s not been helpful.

Sounds like you’ve had a glimpse of some of their true colours - controlling. You have had a lucky escape. Never mention the money again and try your best to move on. Not easy. I think you’ve had a bit of a shock and I can understand that you feel upset.

Glad for the happy ending. To be honest, if the MIL is nice in other respects, it simply sounds like she was very anxious about the pond which in many ways is understandable as children do tragically die by drowning and it can happen so fast.

She perhaps had a huge fear that if the worst happened, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself since she contributed towards the money for the house. Sounds more like medical issues with anxiety rather than anything malicious so I would personally move on from it as you're doing OP :)

Where they hoping you’d buy something bigger so that they could come and live with you at some point? Whatever the reason, you’ve certainly dodged a bullet!

As a child I overheard argument between my parents and grandparents where it came to blows and my gran shouted at them "you're nothing without us!". It was incredible control due to money, you had a very lucky escape here.

Congratulations on the move OP. I wonder if your MIL had in her mind's eye a house close to her that she thought would be perfect, and hasn't been able to let go of the fantasy. No matter how objectively amazing your choice is, she's not letting go of what she thinks you ought to have chosen.

It strikes me that her reaction is emotional, not rational but that doesn't mean that it isn't sincerely and strongly felt.

I've no doubt you've done the right thing, especially keeping the peace so your DD isn't losing out on a relationship with her grandparents.

@topandtailem

I don’t know if anyone remembers my thread or cares about the outcome 😂 but I thought I’d pop back and update that we’re due to complete on this house tomorrow, without help from the in laws.

As I worried, our relationship is unfortunately very different now. We keep them at arms length and I know MIL in particular feels very anxious about the house and isn’t sleeping. I feel bad about that but ultimately I feel that whatever house we chose would have had a similar result, unless she had chosen it herself.

Putting that aside though, we’re so excited about the better house for DD and feel glad that we stood up for ourselves and drew a line in the sand.

Over the last few months I’ve revisited this thread on and off and the advice was just so wise and helpful. Thank you so much to those who took the time to respond and understood where I was coming from.

It is so kind of you to give an update - thank you.

And I'm delighted that you will be in your new home very soon without any obligation to anyone else.

It's a shame that the relationship with your in-laws had to take this unpleasant turn, but they dd it - not you.

Wishing you an easy moving day (there's always something!) and many happy years in your new home.

[imagine champagne bottle emoji here]

Lovely of you to do an update, thank you. I think you’re right to keep mil at arms’ length.

My parents used to tug the apron strings occasionally re money. They used to give us the max they they can per year and I got sick of being told I didn’t go up enough-5 hours drive and work full time, they’re retired and decided to come when my DH was on night shift, I said no, nasty reaction! We refused any further money about 10 years ago, makes life a lot easier.

Great news, well done OP!

I just wanted to add an extra perspective in case it help you move past this bump. My DM is a few steps away from being your MIL. She has an obsession with ponds in particular (filled in hers even though there were no little ones in the family back then in case a random child climbed over the very high fence and ended up drowning in it) and has made some seemingly bizzare comments to her goddaughter's parents, including that they should get rid of their loved pet in case it's dangerous for child. Although she doesn't try to control me and is very respectful of my choices with DS, I know that she would never lend me money to buy a house with a pond. Even if she had previously promised me money. How your MIL worded it is very insensitive, and I can't speak for her of course, but my DM would feel that if she gave me the money and then something happened it would be her fault for having enabled the situation. She knows I don't share her exact opinions on these topics and I (at least think!) That she thinks I'm a good parent.

Not saying any of this is right, or even applicable to you, but the pond obsession was so striking I just had to comment and say - perhaps it really is about the pond! And about her anxiety over her contributing towards something she perceived as unsafe, and no reflection on her opinion about you as a parent or desire to control you.

Oh I'm so pleased your "in" and everything is going well.

I think that your MIL may struggle a little with the boundaries you have drawn, but so long as you stick to clear and firm boundaries with her going forward, she'll get used to them.

Just be a little careful when it comes to your DD getting older, that's all I'll say - she might start to undermine your authority with your DD and do things that you wouldn't like with your DD.

At least your FIL is on your side - that's another huge bonus!

I nearly had an interfering MIL - thankfully (I can say that now!) her son fecked off with someone else before we tied the knot. He was a real mummy's boy, so he would agree with something with me, then go and talk to her and come back and tell me why it was't a good idea. Even to paint colour in our house!! I ignored her "advice" and told him why, and to not bother bringing her opinions into our home (might have something to do with why he fecked off, but meh, it was the right thing in the long run!)

Exactly what Mopheadhas said

I actually wonder if your relationship has now changed due to your inlays or particularly mother in law realising your now on a level footing. By this I mean she has always seen her son as a child, and not an equal therefore her thinking was she could control a situation. The money being offered could have been genuine but when you proposed to purchase the wrong house she withdrew the money ( a bit like a parent would withdraw pocket money if the child wants to waste their money)

This mother hadn't let go and you buying this house regardless means that the apron strings have been cut and she's not sure what to do with them

With time and kindness from you (you sound very patient and kind, only due your reaction to whats happened so its what I perceive on paper) the relationship will move forward on a very equal footing - which she has to now get used to with your kindness it should be easier for her. never underestimate how easy you have made this for her, many others would have not been so very understanding.

@AfterEightMint

Wishing you all the best from me too!

You are right to be alert. Your daughter, your money, your choice.

Any grandparent who doesn’t sleep because of this is over-involved.

I’m sure you will monitor this carefully but be mindful that she doesn’t transfer her opinions and anxieties on to your child. It’s easily done and not necessarily consciously done either. I say this because my sister’s in-laws had an opinion on the choice of school chosen for their daughter. They offered money in order for them to change her mind (which my sister declined). They then told their granddaughter that they had wanted her to go to a much better school and felt her parents had ‘let her down’. Granddaughter then became dissatisfied with her school, this starting a few days after her grandparents had mentioned this to her. Thus resulted in a period of her refusing to engage in school and a deteriorating relationship with her parents who she believed had made a poor decision.

Children are sponges. They may believe what they are told.

I wish you all well for the future.

This is very insightful.

Manipulators don’t just stop manipulating. It’s who they are and how they seems to control others. They just find new techniques.

You will see that MIL has moved from using her money to control you to using guilt - I can’t sleep and it’s all your fault . And “ I’ll be ill and desperately unhappy for the rest of my life but no I won’t seek help “.

If that doesn’t work then she quite possibly will start on your child instead.

Everyone thinks “ Oh well now MIL has learned her lesson, that she can’t control us like that, we won’t put up with it. We have set our boundaries and she will respect them “.

It doesn’t work like that . Shes , what 60 or older ? She’s not going to have a personality transplant now.

Be very careful. You know what kind of person she is and I know you think you can manage the risk.

I hope you are right.

If you accept money from them there will always be strings. My advice is do not accept any money and do exactly what you want - that way you and DH are in charge of your own family and that's far better.