To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Buy the house and save money by not filling the pond in just to wind them up I say

@topandtailem if I’m honest I think this will always taint your relationship with them going forward.

There’s no way, when you’ve seen someone’s true colours, to un-see them.

However, if you want to move forward my advice would be this:

1. Ensure you and DH are fully on the sane page with how you relate to them in future.

1. Shut down any further discussions of money gifts and never entertain or accept monetary gifts from them again. If they want to provide for your DD’s future they’ll have to save for her in their own account.

1. Buy your new home (whichever you choose) without any input from them and tell them nothing until the purchase is complete. Completely privatise this aspect of your life and if they ask just say you’re still looking.

1. Stay strong on all boundaries with them. They clearly think they have a right to a say in your lives and want to control your DD’s life quite badly. This would be very bad for her and you. Don’t give them any information on plans until they are done. Lips tightly sealed until everything is confirmed and arranged on everything you do. Don’t discuss school options or anything until it’s set in stone.

1. If they try to force opinions on you, simply refer them back to this. Say “well after what happened with the house we’ll be making that decision ourselves”.

Lastly, if they ask, be sure to be clear that they’ve hurt you badly by insinuating that you’d make choices bad for DD, but that you’ve decided they don’t get to make your decisions for you so you’ll simply make your own way in life from here on out. It might make them realise the damage they’ve done.

Lastly I’ll reiterate point 1. You and your DH must be on the same page on this. Good luck.

I think it's spiteful to get your hopes up, then to withdraw their help
It's not a bloody motorbike, it's a house. It's not going to kill them so that's a stupid comparison

Honestly - this probably has nothing to do with you at all, it’s not personal. They just want to control ‘their’ money. Move on, don’t mention it again and buy the house you want.

I'd say lucky escape too. Refuse to engage with MIL over it if she keeps bringing it up. "MIL we accept your decision, there is nothing else to discuss on the matter" (repeat at many times as necessary until it sinks in. She sounds controlling so I think you are better off that she has shown her true colours beforehand TBH.

My parents gave us a large chunk of money to enable a move that we would have struggled with otherwise. It was given as a partial loan (we are paying back a small amount monthly) and part early inheritance. I was overjoyed at the time but my mother has made some comments since that have left me wondering if it was the right decision (things like telling other relatives that they own "part of" our house). Luckily it hasn't gone any further than annoying comments occasionally, but I do worry that it could escalate in the future.

They don’t have an issue with your parenting Op. They just want to control you.
Take a step back and don’t bring up the money again. Don’t discuss anything to do with parenting etc. Keep it polite and civil
You have had a lucky escape.

If it is a fibreglass pond the vendors may want to take it or someone will come and dig it out who wants it, not a big job.

If concrete then empty it and make a giant sandpit (you could also do this with fibreglass) . Some of our friends gave an amazing sandpit that was a pond

All of this... over a pond you're going to fill in? This is awful. They've thrown you under the bus, have proven that their word is not bond, and still, they believe they have authority, above and beyond you the parents, over your child's lifestyle. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. I'd be considering low contact after this.

Next it will be we will pay for her to go to private school, you choose one they withdraw there offer as its not suitable, then followed by we will pay for her university fees, dd finds the university she wants to go to then guess what, they withdraw there offer as they don’t think it’s suitable for her.

Anything they offer say no thank you!

They think there are ‘lots of things wrong’ with the house but the sticking point is allegedly a garden pond that we have already said we would immediately have filled in
Either they really do have clear reasons which they should be prepared to discuss or there's more to.it than what they claim.

As you said, the pond can be filled. I think its worth having a calm conversation with them so they can explain what it is that bothers them and see if a compromise can be reached.

Ultimately your MIL had decided she doesn't like the house and that's why she's pulled the plug.

Lucky escape really. She won't like your choice of kitchen or wallpaper either.

Find another house (hopefully further away) and don't discuss it with them until you've moved in.

My PIL gave us money for our house and they never saw it before we bought it. They would never consider themselves as having a say over our choice.

It is tricky OP but I think you either have to accept that your relationship will change as a result of this - maybe you can reframe it to yourself as this is how the rel'p always was but now you see it clearly - OR you buy the house you can without input from them and then have a very direct conversation with them about how their interference made you feel. An awkward conversation for sure, but the only way to attempt to really clear the air.

Is your DH am only child?

The only way I could get past it is to tell them exactly how they are coming across, and ask them outright if they in fact do perceive you to be bad parents - and if so, why. Tell them that if they don't believe that, they need to change how they're talking to you because otherwise they are driving a wedge between you and them. And if they do think that... Well, then you have to think about how to overcome it. These conversations are never easy, but I would find it hard to truly move on without total honesty.

Gosh. Thank you everyone. Every single post has been helpful and thoughtful. I’m really grateful. After a very tearful and difficult 24 hours you’ve really put everything in context for me and given me tons of perspective. You bloody vipers.

@wineandroses1

Wow how controlling of them. How dare they try to dictate where you live and what's best for YOUR child? I would take a massive step back from them and I'd be looking to increase nursery care rather than have them looking after DD. I would also refuse any sort of financial ties with them, as clearly they think they can control you through their money.

I agree with this. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my daughter in the care of someone who thinks they know better than me about what’s best for her. I simply couldn’t trust her to follow my wishes about anything, however minor. This type of grandparent will only ever undermine you. Take a huge step back, don’t accept any help with childcare or otherwise and let your husband have whatever relationship he wants with them independently of you.

Yes it’s their right but it’s a shockingly cruel thing to do, to allow your son and his young family to get that far through a house purchase and then pull the money you have previously offered up because you want to have final say over the house. I couldn’t get past it to be honest and I wouldn’t waste your energy trying.

This is MN so you’ll get people telling you you’re an obnoxious brat to expect their money, they can do what they like etc. etc. but in the real world if someone has promised you a life changing gift like that and then snatched it back to be petty and controlling after you’ve already started the house buying process, it’s devastating and you’re not being remotely bratty to hold a grudge over it.

Wow that is awful!! Given you have even sold your house, and were so far into the process of buying the new one, and overnight they withdraw their offer because they don't like your choice It is shocking and
and I am not surprised you are upset!

In the long term you will see this as a lucky escape.
This is a really unhealthy toxic relationship that will get worse for sure.

Do not accept any money, offers of help or go to them for anything going forward op, they are using it is a form of control and I am afraid this will get worse. You may want to hold onto a close relationship, but you are doing your child no favours at all.

Of course you are not going to get past this any time soon, nor the motivations behind it more importantly. I would organise your lives so they are held at a distance, do not rely on them for anything - at all.

Move further away if you can. Keep your child safe. They are toxic.

To be honest, it's actually really difficult to be believe. She doesn't like the house, has vague concerns about a pond that is easily filled in? It makes no sense. If the house needs lots of work and will take time and money and she thinks that's detrimental to her granddaughter I'd at least understand (she's still wrong). So benefit of the doubt, I'd really be better trying to understand why she's so resistant.

But I do think you should see this as a red flag. Because it means that she's going to say and do things with your dd that you don't agree with and attempt to exert control elsewhere.

What will happen if she doesn't like your choice of school for dd?

If this is out of character gave you considered that they no longer have the money available but are at embarrassed to say so?

If your dh doesn't feel it is out of character fgs dont let them do childcare, go with a nursery or childminder

I also think you’ve had a lucky escape; if they’d given you the money they’d feel they had a say in everything you do in the house which is not what you want.

Be careful in your think about access to your daughter. Of course you don’t want her to be upset or unsettled by doing anything too sudden but bear in mind that these types of grandparents rarely have their grandchildren’s actual beat interests at heart, it’s all about control and ensuring their own position in charge of the family. There are often threads on here about such grandparents messing with children’s heads, saying all sorts about their parents when they have them alone. After this little stunt I genuinely wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them and I wouldn’t relax for two minutes with them in charge of my child. What’s best for her in the long run might be for you to ensure there isn’t a chance for the grandparents to try and manipulate and control her the way they are to your DH and you.

And I echo PPs, either move or pretend you’re going to move much further away from them and see how they enjoy that.

I’m glad to see how much support you’ve had-usually on these threads people are time to shreds for being upset that they’re no longer being given something they were promised but people are all seeing what a shit thing this was to do.

She's a control freak. X

If I was feeling really petty, I'd offer to lend them money 'as it seems they are struggling'. Obviously they're not, but as they see themselves as above you in judgement, it will be a real insult for them to see that you feel they need your help.

Obviously I wouldn't actually do this, but it is annoying that they see themselves as so superior!

Pull a flanker on her. Next time you see her show her the picture of a horse box and tell her as you’ve sold your house your going to buy this convert this into a camper and go travelling around Europe. And you’ll see them in 4 years.