To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Has she actually said what it is that she believes is detrimental to your child's welfare in buying this help.. might be useful to try and understand how weird she's being..

For example .. She thinks that buying a house next door to a nuclear reprocessing site is not in your daughters best interests. (Probably see her point and not being weird)

Or

House is 2 miles further away from In-laws and doesn't have a spare room for them to stay in.. (Batshit crazy control freak)

That sounds just plain weird. Did she want you to live closer to them or something? Or did she think the area is rough?

I don't see how you can avoid this changing your relationship, unfortunately. You now know that they want to control your decisions and don't think you can make responsible choices. There's no putting that genie back in the bottle.

I guess you have to decide whether you want to discuss this issue with your oil and see if it can be resolved, or just drop it and continue with a civil, if superficial relationship with them.

They sound hugely controlling, think of it as a lucky escape really - if they've paid into 'your' house you might have found that they felt they had a claim over it. So lesson learned on that one. Find another house within your budget, don't consult them and then move. None of their business.

The main issue is that they have massively insulted your choices and I'd also be feeling really hurt that they thought you weren't putting your daughter first. You do need to unpick this though -
Why didn't they think the house was suitable for your daughter? Was it an issue with safety (a pool, balconies, pond etc?) or was it because it was far from them? The reasoning does make a difference with how you should move forward with this.

Anything safety related can be sort of worked around, maybe they could have valid reasons? But anything else sounds like they're being selfish and controlling, under those circumstances I'd be limiting the amount of time I was around them.

Okay some really good advice coming through here, thank you everyone. Especially what people are saying about just keeping arms length on certain decisions. Whatever happens I’m not willing to curtail access to DD. I think at this time she would be negatively affected by that more than anything.

I can't see how this couldn't change the dynamic forever more. It's pretty funky behaviour from them.

I would start to look for other signs of control from them. I bet you'll find them in spades but perhaps if you're quite laid back you've just accepted them up to now.

Sorry X posted with everyone and your update! 'Lots of reasons' are vague but the pond one might be more valid depending on how possible it is to actually fill it in.

What’s wrong with the house?

Is it on a busy road or next to a strip joint?

Buy the house

Wean them off the childcare

Did they want you to live near to them for after school care?

I bet if the house had been closer to them there wouldn’t be an issue!

I think you are doing the right thing by not curtailing access. I really feel for you and your husband, such a hurtful thing for your pil to do

Tell them you’ve found a cheaper house another 20 miles or so further away, let them think you’re moving there. I bet they suddenly change their minds about the first house. (Not that you would want their money now anyway)

@ScubaSteven

Sorry X posted with everyone and your update! 'Lots of reasons' are vague but the pond one might be more valid depending on how possible it is to actually fill it in.

Dead easy

Get the vendors to take the fish or advertise them free on next door /similar. People will come take the fish and plants

Empty the pond and then either remove it or fill it with soil (depending on what it is made from and want you want to do with the space)

I can understand your feelings of hurt.
Honestly I think all you can do is move on, be the best parent you can be, have confidence in the decisions you make on behalf of your child, enjoy her and being her Mum and never back down from that.
What they think/do/judge should just be white noise around your family unit of three.
This is hard as it is a change from previously where you seemed to value their opinion more. Your future probably looks like you run along together fine but they stay out of your parenting/family decisions. This may need to be enforced for a while.
They can love your daughter and be good grandparents to her whilst you put some distance between your choices and how much you value their opinion on them/let it affect you.
Your boundary is you do what you feel is best for your daughter and ignore their thoughts on the matter. Your daughter continuing her relationship with them doesn't have to violate that if you feel it's best. But you may have to be firm with GPs if they try and express something to you that you don't need to hear their opinion, you will make your own decision, thank you.

I think their behaviour is appalling, and their belief about the new house may be irrational, but it may help you move on to think about how it can feel different to actively contribute to something you disagree with.
Say my son was an adult and wanted to buy a motorbike, I personally feel they're dangerous. As an adult I wouldn't be able to stop him making choices, but I would feel even worse if I contributed financially to something I really felt wasn't best for my son (just as an eg). So he could buy it with his own money but I wouldn't contribute.
So if they aren't stopping you buying a house, they've just decided not to contribute, I think that in itself is fair (though horrible for you and in my opinion that kind of offer shouldn't be conditional on their approval).
So the reasons are faulty but the action is understandable, though hard to take.

It's ok to have an issue with their reasoning, it's ok to feel hurt, it's ok for this to change your relationship with them somewhat, it's ok to redefine your boundaries with this new knowledge, it's ok for your daughter to still enjoy her relationship with them.

It's wonderful your DH had your back, you sound like a lovely family of three so just enjoy that, whichever house you end up in x

What a pair of tossers to even think this is something they have a say in. Tell them to stick their money. God, I swear families are the worst.

I would be really hurt too and would be struggling to be polite to them for quite a while. I would now cut back on how much information you give them and be a bit vague when they ask things so you can avoid their opinions and criticisms .

I would really struggle to move past this OP and I would be expressing my hurt about it, like you say it is not the financial impact as much as the judgement on your parenting decisions. I wouldn't let them get away with that and I'd be saying so - say you will move on but they should know the damage they have done. I'd also be moving heaven and earth to get the house and since you have said the pond (only Semi legitimate concern I can see they have raised) unless there is something structurally wrong with it they don't have a leg to stand on and are being horribly controllling.

You really need to reduce the care the give DD in readiness for her starting school or that could be a huge bone of contention!!!

Are they going to guilt you in to having her at weekends and school holidays because childcare or Mum/Dad isn't the best thing for their granddaughter??

I would actually consider moving further away if this house falls through...

The attitude that MIL knows best is a dangerous one and very disrespectful of you and DH. What is she going to do behind your back? If they care for her a lot it isn't ok for them to be indulgent etc. It's not the same as granny spoiling them once a week with a few treats IMHO

Terrible behaviour for them. It's not about the money but it is very cruel of them to let you get your hopes up and have an offer accepted then withdraw the offer. The implication that you're not capable to choosing a safe and suitable house for your dd is worse though. They are probably going to have an opinion on any house you buy. But all I would say is reduce their involvement in everything. Never accept money from them again and don't get involved in discussions about the house or any subsequent houses you choose.
There are meddling in laws and then there's this...which to me is incredibly controlling and upsetting. I would remain civil but I'd have to take a step back from them for a while.

I love Abbie's suggestion, especially if you can find one near a nuclear power station and strip joint, before buying the original house without any money from them. I'd struggle not to yank their chains gently given how crazy they've been.

This absolutely will and should change your relationship, because its a huge red flag and youd be a fool to ignore it.

Up until now everythings been cordial and supportive and theyve seemd to be benevolent and generous, involved and loving. Now theyre obviously comfortable in their status and theyve overstepped the mark and showed you how judgmental and controllign they are. How dare they try to influence the house you buy! Absolutely none of their business as long as youre not moving their grandchild to a slum or drug den. Theyve had their chance to raise their children and make these decisions and now thats over.

Think very carefully about the subtext of what is going on here and draw back. Assert your independence and draw some boundaries. It doesnt have to be shouty or confrontational, but stand up for your family and your parenting decisions and dont let them think they have a right to dictate what those decisions will be. If you dont, I can guarantee you that this will not be your last unhappy and troubled post on Mumsnet.

You’re being too reasonable. You should be angry. This was a dick move, you went forward with a purchase in good faith (they offered remember) and they dropped you in it, actually costing you money in fees. They sound controlling and like they need educating that their role as grandparents is supportive not decision making. I would be blunt - they have put you in an awkward situation, they have tried to control your living situation, you will be taking a step back from them.

The adult thing to do is to talk about their views on the house. They have more experience and may just save you from an expensive mistake. (I am hugely grateful to in-laws talking through a school decision with me. I still made my own choice but they had some very useful insights and I was able to put things in place as a result).

They clearly want what is best for your DD. Maybe they have a horror of the pond - easy enough plan to fill it in but it's a big job and somehow it doesn't get done for a few weeks. Why not make that a condition of the sale - ie it is fenced off before completion. I think I wd do that.

In the end they will have a different perspective on things. Ultimately the decision is yours of course but another viewpoint is always worth considering - (hence your asking on MN I suppose)

Good luck with the house - whatever you decide.

It is ridiculous that they won't even say why?!

I can understand both points of view tbh

In your situation I would feel exactly as you do.

But on the other hand if I was giving my son & DIL money towards buying a house, but I didn't feel that a particular house was safe for my GC I wouldn't want to be complicit in enabling them to do so. BUT I would tell them what I was worried about (ie buying on a house on an extremely busy road) I know they're the parents, but I wouldn't want my contribution to enable them to buy a house, that they otherwise couldn't, that could put my GC in danger.

However, considering they won't actually tell you what the problem is, it just sounds like control. And I suspect it IS because it's a little bit further away.

Given their weird controlling attitude to your decisions about your child, I'd be taking. Step back from them & upping DD's nursery hours and not allowing them to have her on her own as they are being weird.

I'm glad you can still buy this/another house without their help and I hope you still would have sold your house? It's horribly late to pull their financial help, it could have really dumped you in the crap.

If it’s any comfort OP, my maternal grandparents (who lived next door to us for a while during my childhood) had a pretty rocky relationship with my mother. Always critical of her partners, paranoid, trying to control things with money. None of their nonsense affected our relationship with them, we just had good times really. We didn’t even know half of the shenanigans that went on until we were clearing out after grandad died and found copies of wacko letters to solicitors and so forth.

People are weird, and judgemental. It’s great that your husband is completely on side and that you can afford to buy without them. Do what you know is right for you and don’t worry about what they think. They’ll come round and it’ll all blow over.

If anything, you’ve had a lucky escape finding out about their controlling behaviour now.

As RuPaul says, what other people think about you is none of your business.